First Grader - Separation Anxiety :(

Added: I'm sorry that not everyone's reading your post thoroughly. Folks, the OP did not say that her older child melted down until fourth grade -- it was mom, herself, as a child who had that difficulty. So no, the sibling didn't model this for the little girl; that is a misreading. And mom did not say that nanny has an easy time with dropoff either, though she doesn't detail what happens when the nanny drops off.....Telling kids to "shut up" as someone suggested is just plain mean, to a child or to an adult. -- OP, talk to the counselor ASAP and meanwhile let the nanny do all drop-offs (for consistency). Make your own departure from home for work very brisk and don't linger no matter what. I want to add too -- please do not ever bribe or reward in this situation.

Original:
I say this a lot on MP -- please e-mail the school counselor today. Don't hesitate. This is exactly the kind of thing the counselor is there to help you and your daughter handle. Yep, in preschool, the teachers and aides are great at distracting kids-- but in "real" school, the teachers have zero time to deal with meltdowns at drop-offs, frankly, and that's why it would help you and your daughter to involve the counselor immediately.

The counselor should be able to give you some ideas about how to make dropoff smoother and swifter (it has to be very brief) and the counselor also can touch base with the classroom teacher to ensure your child's tears through the day are not at the point of being disruptive to either her own learning or to other kids.

The teacher has said your child cries in class; how extensive is this? Does she cry for a short time after dropoff and then is actually OK the rest of the day, or does your daughter cry and mope on and off all day long? Is the teacher finding it hard to engage your daughter in ANY activity, or is your child OK with most activities? If the tears go off and on all day, and/or the teacher finds it difficult to get your daughter's attention for even the most fun lessons -- you definitely need to get some help via the counselor.

The counselor also should see your child one on one, weekly or maybe twice a week, here at the start of the year for a while. A trained counselor should have seen this before and should have engaging, fun ways to help your child gradually cope better. I'd see the counselor yourself, without your daughter there, the first time-- today, if you can arrange it -- then ask the counselor to spend a few sessions with your daughter working on her anxiety. The counselor is not a shrink, but IS very familiar with this exact issue in kids this age.

You do not mention whether your daughter went to kindergarten at all, or whether she went to K at this school or is new to the school. If this is her school where she went to K, I would really want to find out why she's so freshly upset -- she should be used to things by now. If it's a new school, that explains some of the upset, but not all of it.

The fact you have a new nanny could of course be part of it. I do get why you and your husband both tried dropoff in nanny's place, but that may be backfiring because your daughter doesn't know what to expect from day to day. All things to bring up with the counselor.

I'm sorry. That's so tough. One of my kids is a bit like that though fortunately not as extreme. What about friends? That has always helped mine. A buddy to go in with and look forward to seeing. It's not a quick enough fix but playdates at home with classmates helps solidify friendships. That's helped mine too. But if she does have a good friend, try to enlist her mornings. And I don't blame you for almost crying. I think I would have. It's really tough. Have you told her you were like this too? I can relate to my shy, insecure one and I think her knowing I also had these struggles helps her. Finally, I might engage a private counselor (not sure our elementary has a counselor anyway) as your daughter has fairly extreme anxiety and coping skills early will help the rest of her life. I keep a close eye on my sensitive one and will engage a professional any time I feel it's getting a bit too much. Oh - lame but the kissing hand is supposed to help. The book. And little notes in her lunch? We also have a nanny and that is a tough transition right at the start of a new school year. It will all get better though. Mine matures every year and gets stronger and handles things better.

Please talk with the school guidance counselor.
As you've said (and other responders are not getting) this sounds like true anxiety.
It's more than separation anxiety.
There was a kid in my sons K class that had to be physically removed from the car in the drop off lane and dragged into school. ( I know, this sounds really bad!) but he was OK once he got into scho and started his day.
Your guidance counselor is there for this. Tap into that resource ASAP!
Good luck!

this problem used to be restricted to kindergarten and then it was only on the first couple of days. when did it become the norm to walk your children all the way to the classroom? I don't get it. This is what happens when children are highly entertained non stop from birth and are used to having mom/dads total attention. These are the kids who were never told to shut up and go play. To go sit down and play to go read a book. To quit squalling and go to sleep. no you can't get in my bed, no you can't get a drink, no you can't play til your little eyes quietly fall into slumber land.

I am not saying don't play with your kids but kids who never get the chance to self sooth never learn to adjust without mom and dad as a security blanket. you need to tell her knock it off and get out of the car and go to school. stop taking her let the nanny. and for crying out loud give your self the authority to do that.

Get the book "The Kissing Hand" It's about little raccoon who was afraid to leave his mommy to go to school. I read it to my GD when she was hospitalized for mental health issues and was extremely frightened. The next day, the nurses told me that when she would get upset, she would rub the hand that I kissed on her cheek and say the word "grandma" and it really helped calm her down.

Take a deep breath mama =) I know it's hard. It's hard on you and it's hard on her. BUT, first off, you need to be SUPER consistent with her. Make a decision on how you are going to handle drop off and stick with it. If she feels YOUR insecurity or sadness, it's ONLY going to fuel her feelings. SO, make a decision to get ahold (i know i'm being tough) of yourself and BE strong and consistent.

We also have a child who is like yours and what we've found is that we give him a routine that he can handle in the morning. He KNOWS what to expect. We let him ride his bike to school because he enjoys it and it gives him positive feelings. So, try and find something that your daughter enjoys. Maybe she wants to carry her favorite stuffy on the way to school, or maybe she can put a picture of you in her bag to carry with her. Try and figure out something that would make her feel good.

Communicate with the teacher. Create a game plan so that when you arrive it's a smooth transition. It will take time for her NOT to cry, but when you get there to school, give her ONE kiss, ONE hug, tell her you love her and that you will see her at X time and GO. Let the teacher take over from there.

It WILL get better, but you have to be consistent, consistent, consistent.

Talk to the school. The counselor may be able to work with her in the morning or work on her anxiety, and the teacher may be able to quickly point her to activities that help her not be so upset about he drop off. You can also read The Kissing Hand and be quick and positive on drop offs. I point my own reluctant 1st grader at her hall and say, "I'll see you at 3, have a great day!" and off I go. She's had various reactions, from nonchalant to tearful. Some days the counselor (usually out in the lobby anyway) will distract her with a cheery greeting, pair her with another kid, or say, "I'm going that way, want to walk with me?" I try not to linger because it just makes it worse in the long run. The way I read your post, your school is like ours - you point her at her hallway and she's supposed to finish the walk herself. If not, then I would tell her that you can no longer walk her to her classroom, in the hopes that the walk will help her transition to a "I'm in school now" mentality.

Hang in there. You are NOT alone. I know it's tough, but you can all get through it.

FWIW, my DD absolutely gets opportunities and reminders to self-soothe, plays fine by herself, etc., but she's a sensitive soul and is really struggling with adjusting to first grade. I completely sympathize with this mother.

Okay, stop it.

Leave and go to work. She doesn't act like this with the nanny right? So stop doing this to her.

She doesn't need anything. She needs a mom who doesn't get swayed by this. If she sees one tiny crack she wins and is rewarded by you feeling guilty and paying her attention.

She saw big kid do this all the way through 4th grade. OF COURSE she's going to do it too...and she's teaching little sibling to do the same thing.

So stop, just give her a goodbye hug and hand her off to the nanny.