Friend Troubles

I think you got some very good advice from Sue Ellen. I would follow her approach. It is not necessary for you to end your friendship, or your childrens' interaction. You all have valuable things to learn from eachother. Your friend will benefit just as much as her son from your firm, yet pleasant, corrections of his behaviour because you will be modelling effective parenting. I am not suggesting you send him to time out, but rather give him the words he should be using to express himself (and your son as well) so that they more readily learn the concept of sharing and taking turns. It is important to remember that this boy is not an inherently bad child. He just hasn't learned how to work it out yet. This is extremely common.

For ex., you say (when the first snatch occurs) "Oh, would you like to play with this toy too? Well, Shawn was playing with it first and we don't snatch, we ask nicely if we can have a turn." Then say "why don't you ask Shawn if you can have a turn too?" And if your son says no, that is okay. Say to the other boy "Well, I guess he is not done playing with it yet, but when he is you can have your turn" and then encourage your son to let him play with it for awhile. If he still says no after a bit, tell him that it is important to share with our friends and that he will have to give it up after a couple of minutes because that is what is fair. This will take a lot of back and forth and a lot of communication, but it is effective. If it still descends into a major conflict, put the TOY in time out and tell them it is in time out because they cannot play nicely with it. If the other boy gets so mad that he starts hitting, pinching, etc. Tell him more sternly that that is absolutely not okay and if he does it one more time you guys won't be able to continue to play together and you will have to go home. And then do it if it happens...
...and then schedule another play date to do this whole process all over again.

If it was his own toy that the boy snatched back, this fact should be respected while at the same time correcting the behaviour. You tell your son that the other boy wanted his toy back so he should find something else to play with or wait for his turn. And you tell the other boy, you understand how much he must like his toy, but it's still not okay to just snatch it out of someones hands. He must use his words, and you hope he will let your son have a turn with it soon because the best way to make/keep friends is by sharing (or something to that effect). Bringing a toy you know the other boy likes (like a special car or plane or something) for them to trade is another effective approach when the conflict starts.

My son is almost 3.5 and was a major snatcher. Up until he started preschool last fall my approach was to just tell him "No no, you can't just take that away from him/her." and then I would give the toy back to the other child (which resulted in meltdowns). But it just kept happening over and over. From watching his teachers I learned the words that needed to be spoken in these situations. And this, together with consistent correction has nearly comepletely stopped it. My son plays very nicely now. I couldn't be more grateful for what I learned from his teachers and other parents.

K.

You have a lot of great advice. Hopefully if it is phrased correctly, she will understand. If not, you have to let that go I guess. If you have to choose between her friendship and what is best for your son, you already have your answer. She needs to stop her husband from playing those games in front of him! I can't believe she allows that. I can't imagine my husband playing video games at all! They are clearly parents with a lot to learn and you are not responsible for teaching, so please don't feel badly, no matter how she reacts. Sorry you are in this position!

When another kid snatches or tries to take something from my 2 yr old daughter, I immediately intervene by taking the item and telling the child, "Oh, no no no - you don't take things from her. If you want to play with that, you ask 'please' and when she is done playing with it, she will give it to you. Won't you, sweetie?" The hitting your little boy is doing is out of frustration, and understandable if he has had enough of the snatching. Intervening quickly will keep him from hitting and will keep the other child from taking. I do it as often as needed, especially if the other parent is not handling the situation. I have never had a parent comment on my approach, except to then disciple their own child or chime in with an agreeable comment.

On a side note, I would never let someone else's child snatch something from me, pinch or spit on me without immediately setting him straight. Then, in the case of pinching or spitting (good grief!), I would inform his parents (even if they saw the whole thing). Let them know that this is unacceptable behavior and you will not condone it. You don't have to be mean or loud, just confident and firm. If they do not respond well, they are not the type of people who respect others. You don't allow your child to mistreat others - don't you deserve a friend as good as you? Good luck.

I had a friends child act the same way - I put it politely as possible to the mom and she still doesn't talk to me after almost 2 years! She told all our other friends that just because my child is (get this) "naturally well behaved" that I shouldn't disprove of her childs behavior! HELLO! My child isn't naturally well behaved - I raised him that way - He was punished when he was bad and I made him appologize after, I made him say please and thank you, and use other manners! Parents who do not PARENT their child are L-A-Z-Y and usually are just going to be defensive because they know they are too lazy to put a screaming 2 year old in time out 75 times in a 20 minute period.
Honestly - just make your child unavailable for playdates or ask for girls outings only if you want to remain friends wiith her - because Lazy isn't going to change her style and she won't care about your opinions of her rotten child.
LOOK AT THE NANNY SHOWS, LAZY parents too tired, work too much, lost control, they won't listen - ARE YOU KIDDING ME - GET OFF YOUR BUTT AND PUNISH THE KID, DON'T WAIVER IN YOUR PUNISHMENT AND LIKE MAGIC - YOUR KIDS WILL START TO LISTEN AND BEHAVE!

AND JUST THE SAME: "oh my kid will only eat chocolate chip pancakes and chocolate milk with a lollipop on the side, she won't play outside and she's over weight - what Can I do??
GET OFF YOUR LAZY Butt and take her outside to play and when she's tired and hungry hand her a glass of water and a banana and I bet she'll eat it if you don't give in!

(Apparently I'm still upset over my sitch I just can't stand LAZY parents - that's why we have all these bratty teenagers running around, and bratty 10 year ols and bratty 5 year olds - WAKE UP PEOPLE - PARENT YOUR KIDS! - Anyway I hope it helps!And good luck)

Tell her the truth. You may lose a friend, but it's not fair to your son to be the only one disciplined. If she doesn't do something with her son now, the little guy is in for a rude awakening later in life. The world is not going to cater to him the way mom does. He's headed for a life of deliquency if she doesn't get a handle on him.

If it were me I would stop letting my child interact with him. It's doing nothing good for your son and is teaching him that other kids can play unfairly and that it is frustrating. Not to mention the potty mouth! YUCK!

I agree with the other post that the parents are very uninvolved and lazy. Their son has no respect (for kids or adults), doesn't know how to play appropriately, has developed an inappropriate vocabulary- and has no guidance or direction in learning appropriate social interactions. SAD! The parents need to be more involved in guiding him the right way and discipline themselves as to what their child should be viewing on TV or video games. You can not change your friend or their parenting, but you can keep your child away from it and keep you from feeling frustrated. Maybe you could mention that you have been concerned because your son was repeating those horrible statements that her son learns from his fathers video games (whether he has yet or not). Maybe you could gently suggest that the child not be allowed to view the games or that maybe the father could consider actually playing age appropriate toys etc with the boy and save his video games for after the boy goes to bed??

If it were me, I would maintain the freindship via moms night out, a mom only shopping outing etc but nothing with the kids...

Oh, no. I would certainly limit contact with her. If she asks, just tell her the truth. I'm sure she knows that her son has a serious problem, but is as frustrated as you are. Maybe this will be a wake up call if you gently tell her your concerns and the fact that your child is picking up her son's bad habits. You are not being overprotective, you are being a mommy -- a good one.