Friendship Endship

Just stop accepting and extending invitations. Say I am sorry we can't come over, sorry can't meet you a chucky cheese, sorry we can't go to the park. No need to offer any reason...just sorry can't. Eventually she will stop inviting you.

It sounds like you and your son are "social workers" and that's it.
There is no "relationship" with them. It is just people using you, for convenience. But you know that, and it is not enjoyable for your son, either.
It is NOT a friendship and is a dysfunctional family tie.
Just make like you and your son are BUSY with OTHER things.
Does your son have other friends? Then make yourselves busy with other aspects of life, and your own family and friends.
Not with them.
They cannot, just be an albatross around your neck.
Relative or not.
And make yourself busy too.
Don't be so, at their whims.
Practice saying "no..." to her.
She sounds to be the type, that if you talk to her, she will make it a huge drama etc.

Ewww, she and her kids/Husband sound so, icky.

People like that, will never change.
And if it is not you they are using and lambasting, it will be someone else or some other relative.

When I was a tween (in a new town) my parents had a group of adult friends who all had kids around our ages. These kids were so freaking mean to my sisters and me, and I couldn't stand them. I HATED hanging out with them. And then they drug us into negative behaviors and my parents couldn't believe we would misbehave! GASP!!!! Gee, I wonder why!?!? Perhaps it was to fit in with these miscreants?

At the tender age of 12 I determined that I would NEVER do that to my own kids. I will never, and have never forced them (as far as I know) to be around other kids for the sake of my own friendships.

JMO . . . I would cut them off in a heart beat family or no. Friendships are two way streets. Kudos to you for recognizing that fact. Trust your instincts.

P.:

You don't redefine it. You let it go. It has worked its reason/season for you.

If she asks why things have changed? tell her the truth...

You don't feel like the relationship is working for you - and that's the truth. If she needs further information - be blunt - I'm tired of being your social worker and counselor....I don't need nor want the drama in my life or my son's life....

Yes. It will hurt. But it will help you with closure on the relationship..

Good luck!

i would just start being "busy more often" - eventually the friendship will fizzle out and when you do have to see each other at family events and such, treat her really respectfully and freindly. If she asks why you havent been coming over or calling... just say "I have been so busy with ________" If you are not into outright lying... this would be a good time for you or your children to pick up one or two time consuming hobbies.

I doubt she realizes how unbalanced your freindship is; You could be candid with her and simply say- hey, I think you have some issues in your family that might need to be worked out, and maybe a counselor or therapist could give you tools that I cant! I have a lot going on in my life too and I get so worried about you sometimes, so I think I am going to step back for a bit and focus on MY own stuff...

Of course you cant control how she'll react. Maybe it will give her a lightbulb moment and she'll take it as a jumping off point to find some help (I am not saying your cousin is screwed up... I think EVERY family could be improved on with therapy, even the "Joneses") the point is that there is a point where you are not a friend anymore- you are a counselor... and unless you have a degree in that and are receiving a paycheck... you probably are just stringing her along with advice and temporary fixes rather then getting down to the heart of the issues... hence why she is having "crisis after crisis". If she works seriously on herself and her family first, then maybe she'll be better able to serve as a better friend to you and others!

Good Luck to you both!
-M.

She never wants to come to your house? Easy out, next time say we are staying home this week, but you are welcome to come over after 2 PM (or what ever time will be best for you and your child)....also let her know you have plans with friends at 6 PM and will need to leave the house by 5 or 5:30. No need to give details...she probably won't come over anyway. The next time she invites you over, just say "SORRY we have a play date coming over." If she wants/trys to invite herself over, say "SORRY, the child is shy and the mom perfers just one playmate."

Gently back away and see your cousin at family events.

If you get stuck on the phone, say "gotta run someone is at the door, I"ll call you later."......AND later could mean next month.

Get together less frequently and when you do, for less time. No more Chuck E. Cheese. See about choosing a location that's not nearly so over-stimulating. Don't get together at times when it's close to supper time and the kids are more likely to misbehave.

Encourage more get togethers at your own house. If she refuses, then say, "I'm sorry but I was really hoping we could meet here today. I guess we can try again next week." In your own house, you get to set the rules for behavior. Plus you don't have to see her snarky husband.

If she asks to use your car, you say, "I'm sorry but you know how gas prices are lately. We try not to fill the tank up unless we absolutely have to and we've only budgeted enough gas for weekly errands." If she has her own car, she can use her own car.

When you're on the phone with her, don't stay on for hours and hours. That's taking away time from yourself, your child, and your husband. Set your stove timer to half and hour tops, and when it goes off find something else to do that's urgent that's making you get off the phone. "I'm sorry, Angela, but I have to go. I have to take care of something really important. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

It's all about you changing the rules on the relationship, and you don't have to tell her.

I used to be gentle and honest. I felt it was the adult thing to do.

It never went well. You are BUSY, BUSY, BUSY. Then, no matter how bored you get, don't get sucked back in.

Doesn't sound like a friendship. It sounds like you provide services to them for no fee. Sounding board, taxi service, prize tickets. You are treated rudely by her husband (the least of your problems, actually).

I think if you tell her the truth, it will create a huge drama which she will then need to unburden onto someone else.

Be too busy, say your kid is tired of Chuck E Cheese, you have other plans, it's not convenient to drive her kids because you aren't coming right home after X or Y, or you have plans with another family. You'll still have holidays or other family gatherings with everyone around, but the kids have different interests. Don't make a lot of excuses - just "Sorry, we have other plans" or "That day isn't going to work but thanks for thinking of me. Bye bye." Be cheerful and matter-of-fact, and don't make a huge production out of justifying your excuse. That will create more drama which she seems to thrive on.

Let it go and she'll figure it out and probably lean on someone else to say how lonely it is. But you probably inherited her because someone else got tired to it.

No one can take advantage of you without your permission, as the saying goes.

My take is that it is easier to just "let it go" rather than attempting to set up new perimeters and boundaries. I have had a very similar friendship with a gal I have known since I was a teen. We have been very close with her family and our kids are close in age. But the friendship has not worked for me for a very long time. It is a very uneven friendship and very draining. I finally just allowed it to drift apart, now she is just a "facebook friend". I don't invite her places or try to set up dates, I don't call or text her. To be fair, she hasn't contacted me, either. I think that this is better, though, than saying, "listen, you have all these character flaws that drive me crazy, and in order to stay friends with me, I need you to change this, this and this". If it was just a few things that made the relationship difficult, sure, I would try to talk it out and come to a compromise. But that is not it at all. I care about her as a person and hope she has a good life, but she is not a good friend for me. I can do better. I choose to spend my time around people who are not takers, who value me for my company and not what favors I can/will do for them. And she is not going to change, I just don't see that happening. So, if I hear from her, I can always politely say, "Oh, yes, it's been so busy, haven't talked to you in a while, hope all is going well for you!" and hopefully her feelings aren't hurt. Anyway, that is what I would suggest,especially since you will still be seeing her at occasional family functions.

She's an energy vampire.
She just sucks the life right out of you.
She needs a professional counselor - you are not qualified to be dealing with her problems.
Just make other plans and be too busy - to see them, to talk on the phone, etc.
She calls, set a timer - 5 min later "Oh! I've got to go! Supper's burning in the oven! Luv Ya Bye <click>".
Make exceptions maybe around the holidays but this only has to be several times a year and totally at your convenience.
Families (even cousins) grow apart.
She might get mad, but as long as she finds someone else to dump on for hours at a time - who cares?

Just be too busy to be with her whether in person or on the phone. Don't ignore her or not answer the calls. Just have a "reason" not to talk or get together. You have already figured this out, now just make it happen. She's toxic and NOT a good friend/cousin. Spend time with your friends who actually care about YOU and your kids.

I think I'd just happen to be busy when she calls/wants to hang out. When you see her caller ID on the phone, and just let it go to voicemail. Then text her later, saying, "Oh, I just saw you called. We're shopping at Costco. Crazy loud here. Talk later!" (and then just kinda don't call her...). Or when she wants you to come over, tell her you have to go to Junior's soccer practice, or volunteer at the school, or whatever. Just be really, really busy ALL the time for a while. She will find someone else to entertain her drama. :) She can only monopolize your time if you let her.

I can tell you what NOT to do... don't leave her with no reason. Don't just end the friendship by ignoring her.

It's perfectly fine to tell the person, "you know, I'm so sorry to have to say this, but over the past year my son and I have changed a lot and I find this just isn't a good fit anymore. I will always treasure the friendship we shared."

You might want to do this in a card as that is easier then in person. Honestly tell her why, it's much better then not knowing - if you leave her hanging she will never know what the issues were and she may be very upset.

I know that it's really hard, but, for the sake of yourself and your kids, you have to put an end to this relationship, at least to the social part. By sticking with this friendship you're showing your kids that it's okay to stick with someone who takes advantage of you. It's sad that you're son is being taken advantage of by her kids. No need to continue this relationship past family get togethers-it isn't a friendship, unfortunately, but a great way for this person to get free therapy, carpooling, and a chance to vent. The topper on all this is the husband-he's making things even worse! You don't have to be worried about hurting anyone-she obviously isn't. In fact, it would be a favor to end the social part of the relationship and tell her, in a way that she will understand, exactly why. Maybe it might lead to some soul searching on her part(probably not on the husband's part-there isn't much hope for him at all, sadly). When she calls, either don't answer or put on a timer, and that's it. No need to go to her house-she can come to yours.
You will thank yourself greatly in the future for ending this relationship and your kids will, too.