Getting over Arguments

Well, I haven't yet suffocated him while he's sleeping in 30+ years, so, yeah, I have to move forward even though the issue is never resolved.

Thing is, I love him anyway, so what can I do?

:)

i think it's a personality thing. i'm a brooder, and i don't like it. i work on letting things go after i've expressed myself (either in person or through writing it out) but i still find myself clutching to negative thought patterns and imaginary conversations.
my dh is much more likely to either say what's on his mind, or decide it's not really that important, and let it go. i'd love to be wired that way.
but it is possible to change the way one processes. takes lots of practice, repetition and reinforcement. i'm working on it. you can too!
:) khairete
S.

It really depends-- these days, most of the things which I get upset with my husband about might be termed as "not my hill to die on".... that is, I really try to think about what is important in the big picture and ask myself if perhaps my emotions aren't getting in the way of what's likely reasonable on his part.

Does that make sense? I try really hard to own my stuff.
And if I notice that we are having disagreements/discomfort regarding the others actions, then I try to think about what is driving those actions and how I can be solution-oriented in presenting 'this is what I would prefer/these are what I consider reasonable expectations and I'd like to know what you think.'

We've recently solved quite a few conflicts with that sort of approach-- we don't just say "I don't like that and this is why" but also say "you know, what I would really like is if we could get it to this (usually middle ground)" and then be open to some flexibility.

I guess at the crux of it is that I married a guy I respected and knew was a reasonable person at the start. When you believe that other person is a reasonable person, you can hear what they have to say, try to see things from their perspective (because you are giving them the benefit of the doubt that they aren't be manipulative, but genuine) and try to solve the problem together. If both have good faith in each other, it's easier to let things go when maybe we don't get exactly what we want because you know, hey, that's a decent, reasonable person over there.

K.-

The truly enlightened manage to disagree without arguing, and come up with constructive solutions, for instance agree to disagree, compromise, do both etc. without hurt for either party. Not there yet myself.

I usually manage to let it go effectively. Sometimes though I recognize that I have some things which are simmering, and I try to make sure to raise them before I get to a boil. Sometimes I'm gobsmacked because I come out with a boil to a small infraction, because apparently hubs has pushed a button.

BTW, just because it's been discussed doesn't mean that the same issue doesn't crop up again and again. Were one talk all it took to fix a thing, even among couples who are loving and willing, the divorce rate wouldn't be what it is.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Read gently:
What does "discussing the issues" or getting closure for you really mean?
Do you need to have the last word? Or hear 'I'm sorry'? Or get a blood oath that it'll never, ever, ever happen again?

Holding onto anger and bitterness is like holding onto hot coals- you'll burn yourself. -Ghandi or someone cool like that said it.

Oh my gosh there are things I have tried and tried to let go, bring it up again and it gets ignored again. We just have a truce. I cannot get over my husband: he is able to just act like nothing happened immediately. My head spins and I want to put it in the sand somewhere I can feel so mad. So he just lets it go and I make plans on where I will hide his beers when he comes home. Of course I haven't done that yet.

I tend to address things before it can become an argument. Generally an argument is a stupid comment followed by a come back that makes the other person think. The look on the face is enough and moving on.

Neither of us choke down anything unresolved since that is unhealthy so we are fine.

I have to say endings like, agree to disagree, yes dear, or whatever, are not constructive solutions, they are not enlightened at all. They are passive aggressive dismissals and should be avoided. If you feel you need to agree to disagree then you need to accept the other is right an move on. Otherwise you are just ginning up the next argument.

Look at it like a thunder storm.
There's rumbling, lightning, a downpour - and then it slows to a trickle and the sun comes out and sometimes there is a rainbow.
Same thing with arguments.
But you need to resolve the issue(s) in order to move on and put it behind you.

Well, the whole point of arguing is to work with each other to come to a point where you are both feeling better about the situation and have a game plan as to how to deal with similar circumstances in the future.

I get frustrated when my husband thinks the purpose of an argument is to win. Win? What the heck does that mean if it doesn't mean to find a way for both of you to be heard and be ok again?

Now, if we're talking about petty things like he forgot to take out the trash again, that's something you might need to try and let go. But if it's more like he very often makes plans to do things with his friends and you're lucky to get a night out with the girls once a year, that's something you do need t discuss and not just let go.

If it is something that needs further discussion, try to make sure you approach him when you are calm and not upset. Talk to,him about very specific needs you have.try not to make it about anything that he's doing wrong or how he's unfair. Don't say, "You get to of things with your friends. I never get time to myself." He'll most likely be more sensitive if you say, "I could really use a night off. Could we talk about the possibility of Thursday's being my night to just go out with the girls or be alone or take a walk or whatever?"

How you approach the problem is very important. But I really do think sometimes you do need to come to a mutual agreement about things.

ETA - LOVE, LOVE LOVE Nervy Girl's answer.recently my husband and I have been trying to remind ourselves that when we argue it's usually because we've forgotten to assume the best of each other. Jut because we don't see what the other person did that da (folding laundry, paying bills, etc) doesn't mean all they did was sit on the couch eating Bon Bon's. Try to assume the best of each other, and you'll find your attitude when talking about a problem is much better.

I'm not one to hold a grudge or stay mad for very long. I'm very transparent and I say what I have to say then I'm done with it and try to move on. We don't always discuss things to death but oftentimes come back to the argument/discussion (if it's serious) a few days later when we both have had time to think about things and calm down. Staying angry will only hurt me, nobody else.

I love my husband and I know he loves me.
We have a great marriage. The kind others have told me they envy.
Is it perfect? No, because people aren't perfect.
We disagree on stuff.
We don't hold grudges.
We talk out the big stuff and try not to sweat the small stuff.
There are things we'll NEVER agree on and that's ok. And normal.
I don't think a happy marriage is O. where both people morph into O. person. So, individuals are going to have differences.
As long as they are respectful differences, why hold a grudge?

I don't stay upset.

If you engage in an argument, your focus ought not to be the end state of winning or being right. It should be coming up with the right solution, whether it's yours or theirs or a combination of the two.

I've started in a disagreement with one point of view and had my perspective completely changed after hearing my husband's thoughts. I'm open to what he says because I love and respect him, and he loves and respects me. So, whatever we end up with is built on mutual love and respect, and therefore the right answer for us.

Always discuss until you find a solution. And don't "fight to win" because there are no winners with that mentality.

This is the difference in my relationship too. I like to talk everything out and come up with some kind of solution to everything. Him? He likes to ignore it and pretend it never happened. It drives me crazy!!! Lol so I guess I'm in the same boat as you are... Learning to let go!

I blow up and then I'm over it. My husband mulls things over, so he waits and then talks about it. I yell and then I'm over it. But we don't hold grudges. Except about poopy diapers. 7 years later I'm still hearing about how many he changed when our daughter had rotavirus. :)

I am a person who needs to address issues before moving on. My husband believes that time, alone, fixes things; I think that if nothing is done with/in that time, then, once "time" has passed, the people involved are right where they stuck a pin in it.

If someone has offended me, I can move forward in relationship with him/her once I have some sense of understanding of why it happened and then we can share an understanding that we'll work not to allow it again. That's not always as cut and dried as this sounds, but I do allow for people to be who they are. Everybody's got "stuff" and everyone is on a journey, trying to figure out life just like everyone else. Intellectually, I know not to take it personally, so I tend not to. The part that I take personally is how we agree to move beyond it, if that person desires to make amends. If we consistently cannot have a mutual understanding, then the level of intimacy in our relationship changes, drastically.

At the foundation of my relationship with my husband is the understanding that we never intend to injure each other. In order for me to be his wife, I HAVE TO believe that hurting/disrespecting/dishonoring me or our marriage is NEVER his intent. (By the way, this is an actual discussion that we had before marriage, our understandings and expectations of each other in marriage.) When I do feel "violated", I sometimes have to remind myself that it's not about me. AND I work to figure out what role I might have played in my state of being hurt and offended.

It really is that simple and that complicated, which is why I don't understand how people who claim to be growing and learning can have so much free time to be busybodies in other peoples' lives.

Last night I thought everybody was on the same page and we would o swimming this morning. It's not something my H or son are big on but rarely do I ask them to do something I want to do. This morning my normally schedule tight H sleeps till the time we were going to leave. My son is complaining he doesn't want to go. I am seriously POed. I go to my room.

Both come in at different times to play nice but I'm having none of it and tell them I need them to find another place to be! I pout for about 20 mins and then decide to do something productive. I go grocery shopping. By the time I get back, I'm fine. We go bowling.

So, about an hour and twenty, tops, for big disappointments. Get by yourself, pout, do something productive, get over it.

I had boys. My understanding of their temperament has improved my life because I get over things much quicker and developed an appreciation for their ways. I'm still a girl. I still hang on longer than them!

To me, it depends on the topic of the argument. I have walked out of the house and been gone for several hours. I was really upset and didn't even want to be in the same house with him! BUT generally speaking it is over in a couple of hours max. Sometimes, the second something comes out we are like "OMG, I did not mean to say that". OR "I so meant what I said". =)

We say our peace and then find a middle ground. We will celebrate 28 years next month so must be doing something right.

My husband and I don't really argue about the big stuff - we tend to be on the same page on major issues.

But we do bicker and argue about little stuff. I get peeved. He gets annoyed. We blow up at each other. And then we get over it pretty quickly actually. I KNOW we yelled at each other about SOMETHING recently, but I cannot, for the life of me, remember what it was about. Something unimportant, I guess. I try to live a stress-free life. Truly, the little issues are so unimportant. I get angry, I yell at him, but then I'm just done with it and I get over it.

We're healthy, our kids are healthy, both sets of parents are still alive and healthy, we have a nice home, are financially stable, good job, kids are getting a good education, they're becoming pretty great individuals themselves, my husband and I are doing a lot right together. All the other little stuff doesn't matter. The love, respect and trust is always there, no matter what. As long as THAT doesn't change, the petty arguments will simply fizzle out.

I absolutely can't hold a grudge. Usually, after a fight, I'm completely over it within 30 minutes. Lol. The longest I have been mad over one thing was overnight. I was still grumpy about it in the morning, but by the time breakfast was done so was I.

To me, it's just not worth the headache. I hate to feel mad, so I don't. I have always been like this though, so it's just my personality. I can't think of anything to do that would help you, other than to make a conscious effort to find something to be happy about of you are mad about something that, when you look at it objectively, you don't think deserves so long a grudge.

Yes, sometimes, but you choose your battles. If something means that much to you, you speak up and let it be known. If it is insignificant, you ignore it.

I also let my husband win sometimes. If he says he does yard work, I ignore it like I never heard him say it. I know, as well as the entire neighborhood knows that we pay someone to more and blow the yard and I do the trimming.

If he says he puts out the trash, I let him have that too. He does...when I open the garage for him to see that the trash should be pulled to the curb.