Going Away Gift for an 8 Year Old Neice?

My parents live 1000 miles away from us. One of my 8 year old daughter's most prized possessions is a fleece blanket my mom made for her. She sleeps with it every night, but especially wants it with her when she is sad or sick. Maybe the two of you can make matching tied fleece blankets. They are really easy to make.

When I was a little girl my big sister gave me a plain gold ring with my initials engraved in it. I loved that ring. I felt so grown up. I never took it off. As I got bigger I moved it to my pinky finger and I still wear it today. I like the idea of a ring for a child better than a necklace. It won't need to be taken off, so it won't get lost, and it won't get broken like a necklace can.

i think it's lovely that you have such a bond with your niece. i have a Cookie Aunt myself, and i adore every minute i get to spend with her. it's a sweet and special thing.
i think it's troubling that you're 'terrified' to have your own kids because of how much you love this little girl, and that a 3 hour distance is 'terrifying' to you.
she's only 8. she cannot be your emotional anchor to this degree. that's a love that will strangle and drown.
please consider working, with a therapist if necessary, to love her boundlessly but appropriately. it's very worrisome that you're weighing her down with your need. what does her mom say about this?
as for a gift, i think a little locket with a picture of you on one side and her on the other would be sweet, and allow her to keep you close to her. nothing wrong with that.
khairete
S.

A locket with a picture of you and your niece.

This is not your fault. It's life. This is one of those difficult situations. There will be hundreds (or more) times in your life that you will face loss. You'll want to learn how to deal with loss

One way us to make decisions based on how they will impact your future. Emotions often get in the way of making a decision based in what has to be done to have an overall successful life. As you mentioned, you need to make this move for the practical reason of needing the income as you begin married life. I suggest that focusing on your marriage and how decisions will affect that life.

Of course you'll miss your neice. I'm concerned that her move was a part of your depression as if their move was crucial to your well being. Continuing to feel that loss after a year is not helpful for you and your neice.

Her presence seems to be so important to you that you'd consider not leaving. I'm glad you're choosing life with your husband. I suggest that your anxiety will make it more difficult to move forward for both of you. You're saying to your neice that you need her. That if you are separated you are unhappy. That's too big a burden for a child. You're giving your fiance the message that leaving your neice is more important than sharing in the excitement and planning of your new life with him. Both of you need him to make more money. Both of you need to feel that the other is the most important person in their life. You need to support each other.

Sounds like your neice is the center of your life; that you can't be happy if you aren't living close to each other. This is giving her too much responsibilty. You and only you are responsible for your happiness.

I adore my grandchildren. If they would move away, I'd be very sad. But I wouldn't cling. Clinging makes the separation more difficult. I understand a little of how you feel. In my younger years, I often felt that I couldn't be happy if I didn't have certain things or people. I learned to grieve losses while being happy with other things/people in my life.

My 2 and 4 yo granddaughters frequently cry and plead with me not to leave even tho they see me several times a week. I give them a hug and remind them I'll be back. 5 minutes after I'm gone they've moved on.

Leaving your neice is more painful. It will take longer to move on. I hope that you can still be happy with your marriage and building a life in a new place. Your neice needs you to be confident that this move will be OK. For you and your neice it is a big deal but not a tragic event. Let her know you love her and will miss her. Let her know that your move is just a part of life. Let her know you both will miss each other and you'll both will be OK. Briefly commiserate but don't wallow in your sadness. Accept that this is one of many events in which you'll feel sad. One of many times you'll have to accept decisions that you'd rather not.

Sounds like you're thinking she needs you and you're letting her down. You're not responsible for her happiness. It's good you can do things that make her happy. Loving and wanting to be together is not a need. Both of you will move forward as you adjust to this new way of spending time together.

I urge you to get professional help in learning how to let go and still remain a happy person. Repeat "I am OK" to yourself over and over until you feel OK. if you leave thinking you'll once more be depressed, you will be depressed.

Think about her personality and interests. If she would treasure the music box, that's a great idea. I love jewelry gifts but they do get lost, or never worn because they're treated as "too special to wear." Another option that isn't a keepsake, but will be a constant reminder of you, would be a membership for something she enjoys doing -- museum membership so you can visit once every six weeks or so and take her, and she can go with others at other times, or even a magazine subscription to something she would really be eager to receive each month.

Like others here, I'm concerned for you. You sound very loving but also very attached, and while attachment is good to a point, it might be getting in the way of your happiness as an adult here. Please, please go back and read Marda's wise post below and think it over with care. Can you step back from your emotions here and maybe try to look at your relationship with you undoubtedly dear niece as an outsider might see it? You are not, as Marda rightly says, responsible for her happiness, and you are not letting her down somehow by leaving -- you are building your own, adult life, with your husband to be. That's appropriate. Focus on doing that, and don't focus as much on how you will miss her. Be aware that your relationship with her will change and be ready for that change, so it doesn't cause you to damage your own marriage--that could happen, if you move and then are so invested in thinking about your niece that you aren't focusing on making a life in your new location with your new husband. He was handed a great job with hours that will allow you and him to see each other and truly be a couple -- that's wonderful! But you're seeing it now as "how could I tell him no?" That's troubling, because this is a good event that you're perceiving only or mostly in terms of how it affects your relationship with your niece.

If you were depressed last time you and she were separated (and it's good that you can see there were other factors, and it wasn't just her being away that depressed you), please take action BEFORE you marry and move. See a counselor or therapist and be sure that you are ready to embrace your marriage, this move, this job as totally positive. If you go into this new life clinging to her as she is now, at eight, by the time she's a bit older you're going to be hurt and confused when she naturally pulls away from you; you'll blame it on the move, on the marriage even, but it will be only because she's getting older and kids change and pull away from even the most loved and adored adults as they get older. It would happen even if you were still living close to her, but you might start to blame yourself, your move, your marriage, your husband's job. Stop that before it can even start and get an outsider like a counselor to see you before the marriage. You don't have to go forever, just enough to figure out why you're so invested that you feel so guilty about taking what is the best step for YOU.

Please update us here. I think it's lovely that you and she are close, please know that! You can stay close despite a few hours' distance, and sending her snail mail etc. is a great, fun way to do that. But I hope you can get past the guilt you're feeling, with some help. Enlist your fiancé to help too, and be sure you and he are communicating well and often about your feelings.

I'm going to "borrow" Felinestroller's answer!
LOL
Make bracelets/necklaces together.
You can put names, symbols, phrases in them so that they are special and unique to your relationship.
Then when she misses you (and vice versa) she can hold, rub, touch, play with the bracelet and think of you.

There is always loss/ change in life.
You all are in a unique position in that you can process the change together.
In most cases the change/loss is permanent.
Please have the foresight to use this situation to gain tools for the both of you on how to manage loss and change......help her prepare for life.

So many good suggestions already!

Dammit B!!!

I just went to get another cup of coffee, and when I came back, B had 'stolen' my answer!!

As a former army brat, I had several pen pals over the years (many of whom I am still in touch with even now). Get her stationary! Get yourself some!

Also, google 'mitzpah' (sp?). They make them in necklaces where each person gets one half of a heart. she would love it!

Think of this as a growing adventure for BOTH of you! If YOU approach it as a positive opportunity, she will as well. You will each have adventures to share with each other individually!

Likewise, if YOU treat this as a tragedy, she will as well. Don't do that to her. Be the adult here. Get some professional help if you are unable to do that. Please - for BOTH your sakes!

Best

A locket would be nice - she can keep it - but it's an easy thing to lose.
A small stuffed animal she can keep on her bed might have a better chance of not getting lost.

Do you and she have a way you can Skype each other?
Maybe you and she can set up a weekly time to 'visit' one another over the computer.

Or - there's nothing wrong with being old fashioned pen pals - letters written and sent through the mail.
There's still something special about getting a letter or post card - and she can keep the letters in a scrap book and you can do the same about hers.
Yes - that could work nicely!
Give her a scrap book (you buy one for you too), some cute stationary, some stamps and you both are set up to be pen pals.
It's a nice habit to get into for a girl her age and the reading and writing is excellent practice for her school work too.

You could email each other - but they don't work out as keepsakes as well as actual letters do.

Additional:

felinestroller w. - Sorry! I guess great minds think alike! It's all good! :-)

Make sure she has all the electronic ways to communicate set up. I think Skype is still used, face time, all of that. There is no reason to miss someone in this day and age. Three hours is nothing if you only see each other every other weekend.

Find some neat things in the towns in between and do meet ups. The biggest thing is stop getting pulled into this is the end of the world. She is a child, she gets to see everything as the end of the world. You are an adult, it is you job to show it is not the end.

When I read your question, I too was concerned that you seem overly attached (as in needing) your niece.

I like Marda's advice about not being dependent on a child. That's a real disservice to do to a kid. My husband's mother is needy/clingy to her sons, so much so that one still lives with her and he's middle aged. He got messed up young because his mother wanted to be his best friend and he felt responsible for her. My husband grew up resentful of his mom, because she would be depressed if he chose his friends (and eventually me) over her. It's a terrible burden to put on a kid.

If you have depression then I think the greatest gift you could give to yourself and your family is to take steps now to get help - before you begin your family.

Remember there's Facetime or Skype (that's what we do in our family), and texting, etc.

For a gift I love the music box idea from Michelle below. One of my kids has one from my mom. She listens to it every night as she goes to sleep. I also love the locket idea with a picture of you both. I think that's very sweet and something she can keep for years. Another idea is a charm bracelet. My nieces have these. You could add to it over time for any celebration. Girls love those.

I know it's hard - I would live closer to my family in a heartbeat. Mine live farther away than 3 hours. I'm sure you can manage weekends and holidays. Try to remain positive. You don't need your little niece feeling your upset. The best way to make it easier on her is to remain positive and upbeat. Good luck :)

Life is about change & how you handle it. I moved 1000 miles away from my family 5 years ago. Do I have days that I miss them badly? Sure but I talk to my nieces often and send gifts thru out the year.

For an 8 year old, I would suggest a build a bear that has your voice in it. Make it together & learn ways to stay connected.

Maybe a music/jewellery box with a favorite song in it. Could you also get her a prepaid cellphone to call her auntie whenever she needs to talk? I think they have some where you can only call certain numbers.

I appreciate the love you have for your niece. Go once a month and give the parents a night off. You and your sweet niece can bake, play with makeup, go to a movie, etc. I wish more aunts and nieces had such a bond. Blessings.

I think the locket idea is lovely - it was my first thought - but then I thought about her possibly losing it and it being even more tragic for her. I love the idea of a museum membership that she can enjoy with various family members, including you when you visit. A scrapbook would be nice too if it doesn't cause you both to dwell on the past instead of on the future.

Is she going to be in your wedding? It's a normal place for a niece or nephew to participate, regardless of how close the child is to the bride. But it has to be positive, and not a symbol of your "divorce" from her. It would be awful if she viewed your husband as the interloper and the cause of her, and your, misery.

Like others have said below, I am very concerned that you are "terrified" to have your own children because your niece is your "whole world". That's pretty unhealthy for everyone involved. Is that how you will feel someday when you are expecting your second child, that you won't love him/her as much as your first? And I'm concerned that you considered telling your husband-to-be "no" because you are so close that your mother is your best friend. This is not a healthy way to begin a marriage, and I really hope you will get some counseling to hash out your feelings and make sure that your priorities are in order before you make a big change.

You mention that your niece has been going through a lot of changes for the past 1.5 years, and since we don't know what those are, we can't really say much about how this intense closeness developed and whether it was necessary to get her through some trauma or difficulty. Since you can't go back and "undo" it anyway, that's not a helpful direction to pursue.

Children need their parents, and your future children will need you. They don't need you to be their "bestie" - they need you to be a parent. That also means that you might not, actually, be able to 'be there' for your niece no matter what/when/how. Does that make sense to you? You must be able to choose your own family first - and that means your husband and future children. It sometimes (as in this case) means leaving a town and making a life together somewhere else, without being terrified. Your niece, likewise, needs to find friends her own age and not have all her hopes/dreams tied to you or anyone else. She needs to be able to face the changes in her life without being terrified either. How in the world would she ever survive a move of her own family, or be able to go to college or get married herself, if she is terrorized by depressing thoughts and regrets?

I hope you can see this as a positive adjustment for all, and the next step in the adventure we call life.

I agree with Marda P and Elayne J with things you can give your niece.

As an adult you are responsible for your own happiness and no one else. Perhaps some counseling is in order to help you through this time in your life about your fears. Your new life with your husband should be the priority right now and your niece will come second or third.

Many of us move from the family unit to start families of our own in different parts of the country or the world. Telling your new husband no is not going to set a good tone for your marriage and there might not be one. Military families don't get a chance to tell the commander no they move and move on.

The only thing constant in life is change and you need to learn this and so does your niece. It doesn't mean that you don't love her any less it is part of life and we have to adjust and cope.

Please keep us posted.

the other S.

PS The website ate my original post.

Etsy has some beautiful jewelry. You could get matching necklaces? I've seen pieces that feature handwritten sentiments....maybe a personal message?

i think you should get something she can have fun with and is into, but also a cloud pet. that way the two of you can keep in touch. let her pick it out and tell her its a cute long distance walky talky that she can hug.

Hi Mudly,

matching lockets with either pictures and/or locks of hair. I know she's 8 but if you get her a standard 16" chain, she should grow into it just fine.

also, I like the idea of going once a month. plan a special mani/pedi day and go get facials too. she'll treasure the experiences and that will help to maintain the clear bond you are blessed to have with her. I wish I was closer to my niece. She's also 3 hours away.

Everything will work out. :-) S.

I am the second oldest of 5 kids and we grew up Navy brats - so we are all very close still. I had my kids young (20, 22, and 24) so all of my siblings are very close to my 3. My older sister lives in SC and the older of my brothers lives in VA...one is 8 hours and the other is 3. We don't see them as often as we used to because financially it isn't possible right now, but we still see them a lot. We do Skype with them and my daughter (12) has instagram to keep up with my older sister and her kids.

I take a million pictures anytime I go anywhere and those are amazing for my kids to look at - for all of us really.

3 hours is really not that far. You could still make sporting events, lunches, school events, etc. Yes, it would be long days for you - but so worth it. Even for your niece, they can come visit you.