Going from SAHM to Back to Work/ School - Feeling Guilty and a Bit Dummy

Wow. I am wondering how you think you are going to handle working full time, getting your MBA, and caring for your children. You will definitely end up divorced because there will be zero time to work on your marriage! I am a SAHM who is in grad school and let me tell you the demands of grad school, kids and marriage are enormous. Do you understand the amount of time it is going to take to get your MBA?

I'm sure your children would appreciate their mom staying at home, working on her marriage and getting her MBA. Your marriage is worth preserving unless he is abusive or unfaithful. You fell in love with this man and married him for a reason.
Go to school online. It will be easier on you and your family.

Good luck!

Hi K.,
I've only been married 5 years, but we go through those disconnected times as well. All I have to do to snap out of it is look at my kids, and how they react when Daddy comes home. I couldn't leave our marriage b/c of something I'm feeling/thinking, when I have 2 other people to think of. I know it is hard, but when you really think of what it is like to 'share' your kids, and deal with all the little problems... including your ex finding someone else that will play 'mom' to your kids... it becomes really clear to me that we can work through the patches. I also have gone through a LOT of moments when I want to get a job. No one ever says thank you for all the things I do at home.... which you get bonuses and recognition for at a real job. I do miss that a lot (I was a nurse), but I also know this is a stage in my life, and I will go back to work when the kids go to school. My parents, grandmas, and in laws always are telling me that these are the best years of our kids lives.... to really enjoy them while we can. I'm trying to really do that as soon they won't want to play with Mommy anymore, and will be too busy with their friends and electronics to notice me!

Good luck and I really hope you can work things out with your husband-- maybe you can work part time or something? Just something to get you out of the house and focus on something else would be good.

No matter what, you are how you feel about yourself.

Some people, do "nothing" as they say, because they are SAHM's. BUT, these women are very fulfilled and happy and really are okay about themselves and where they are in life.

Some people, no matter what they do in life, will never be satisfied. Even if they are some hot-shot in the business world. And they will never appreciate, what they have or are.

What a person feels about themselves, are either internally or externally based. Some people need external cues, about how they are in the world and if they are 'successful.'
Some people, go according to their internal cues themselves and are self-reliant and know themselves, inside. They don't need outside/external things, to validate themselves.

I know someone, who really has a great life. But, he never is satisfied. Always bitching about his wife, about his kids, about his in-laws... always just bitching. I pity, his wife. He is a hard personality to please. Some people, are not even capable of being pleased. Ever.
Well that is just one example.

So, how you feel about yourself/your life... is really, based on what you have. Not on what you do not have.
Or, the cup half-full or half-empty.

all the best,
Susan

I am in the opposite position right now. I have a 3 year old and I have been working since he was 6 months old. While I understand your position don't forget that what you have been doing is important and even if you do not get external recognition for it. Raising healthy happy loved children is an important job and you have gained other skills from being a mother.

you're not doing yourself any favors by being a martyr, nor are you doing your kids any favors by not leaving them with others. be proud and firm with the choice you have made to go back to work/school. it will probably be good for everyone in the family.

good luck mama!

I been a sahm for so long and my now 7 y/o DD always ask why I don't have a career or a job :( ......so do the best what makes you feel happy and safe, on the other hand my sister has the working mom syndrome, (she has 4 kids a government employ and she's a tax specialist so this time of the year works around 80 hours a weeks, ) sometimes she's supersensitive about anything that her little ones say, (or other people) but this are one of the most happy families that I know....

I envy you for having the opportunity to stay at home. I had to leave my son when he was 12 weeks old and go back to a full-time job I don't like. Also, I'd love to have a second child but we can't afford it. It's tough times for a lot of people out there.
I see that you want to go back to work. I just hope it's for the right reasons. You don't really get people patting you on the back and appreciating you at work either. That may sounds rude or harsh but it's usually the reality. At least, that's the case for me.
If you want to get up to date on some new technology, I think that's pretty easy. There are a lot of 1 day classes you can take to teach you the basics of different programs. As someone said, there are people who've been out of the work force for much longer gaps of time. Best of luck to you! I hope you're interview goes well and you get more self confidence. It sounds like you are way more established in the career world than me. And I've been working 10 years at my job.
I'm sure the kids will adjust. Hopefully, you still can get in a lot of quality time with them. Personally, I'd find this near impossible though. If it was do-able to go to school first and then work, then maybe that'd be the route I'd choose. Doing all 3 will wear on you, but if you have enough support then maybe it could be done.
What does your husband think?

If you are the type of woman who likes to work then go back. You need more than what you do at home. I liked being home but I was a better person working in the real world. My children are/were my life but my life wasn't my children they were a part of my life. I kept my individuality as woman, wife, mom in that order. So when my children did leave home I did not have the huge gaping hole of empty nest syndrome. I could go on.

Take a few brush up courses to get up to speed. You will do great.
Congrats on knowing what you need.

The other S.

PS Your mom is there to support your decision and it will help your children know that more than one person is available to them to help them in their life.

You sound like you need to get back into the workforce for more than one reason. You have your own mom to watch your back. Do it.

Hi there!

First of all...you are SOOO not alone...we all go through this many times in life. And remember that "the grass is not greener" even though it may appear that way! I am a worknig momma with a full time career, and I am the "bread winner". I go back and forth depending on my mood...one minute I am crying wishing I was a SAHM and the next I am thrilled to have a wonderful career. Trust me when I say "life" is never perfect and change is tough but can be rewarding : - )

I think you should go back to work if you are doing it for the right reasons...not in fear that you are getting a divorce. REALLY think about it. I think you can do WHATEVER you put your heart into...whether that is saving your marriage, finding fulfillment everyday enjoying your kids at home, or juggeling a rewarding career...!

Good luck in whatever you decide!

Hi K.,
Take care of and make time for yourself, and know that your life is going to get a little easier as your kids get older, even though it gets busier. You're focusing on your family needs, your professionals needs, but what are the "you" needs? Even if it's something small, make time for yourself. That will help smooth out the anxieties in other areas, I think.

Women have returned to work with much larger time gaps, so don't let that stress you out too much...you will get there.

If you are not familiar with "personal renewal groups," google it and see if there is one in your area, it can be a very nurturing way to connect with moms who are going through transitions.

All the best to you!
L.

My first words of wisdom are for you to IGNORE the people who tell you that you're harming your children by doing this or that you are going to cause a divorce. I think that you are being extremely smart by protecting yourself and your family financially. If your marriage is going to make it, it's going to make it regardless of your employment status. Same thing if it doesn't. And you are not selfish for wanting more with your life. You can be a great mother and something else too. Just like there's always more room in your heart for another child, there's always space in your life for something fulfilling. Yes, subsequent children don't get the same attention, and life gets harder, but it also makes life better. You can feel the same way about a job/school/whatever.

As for the practical advice, I would do some positive affirmations. You CAN do this. You did it once, you can do it again. Read the newspaper every day, even after the kids go to bed. Remind yourself that you will always always always be your kids mom, and even if you went to the moon, nothing would change that. Kids are remarkably adaptable. Think about how you want them to see you when they're older - a competent woman who took charge of her own life, or someone who let things happen to her?

Good luck.

I think that when we get to a point where we feel like life is passing us by, etc...I think changes need to happen. Going to school, getting a job, continuing a career path, are all things that a person can do.

If you and your husband have only been feeling this way for a couple of months then perhaps you can try spending time together and sharing your thoughts and feeling again. Trying to reconnect is often hard to do and takes practice and time. It is usually uncomfortable to open yourself up to someone who has the power to hurt you deep inside. Where you are the most vulnerable.

Going back to school is pretty easy if you balance your time and efforts towards each area. Understanding the effort it takes to study and and get to classes is important too. I studied late at night when my daughter was in bed. She was one of those who had to be awake if anyone else in the house was up. I would pretend to go to bed and she would drop off. Then I would get up and turn on only the light over the desk and sit and study for hours.

The other times I would study was between classes and days I didn't have class. Child care charges by the week so I took her every day even when I didn't have class. Just so I could study and spend time doing school papers.

It comes down to this statement:
If you like yourself, if you are happy deep inside, love life, if you feel fulfilled. Then you are a more desirable person, a more interesting companion. Life will be exciting and more fulfilling in all areas. Whether you are married or not, you will be a better person inside.

Taking time to follow your dreams and becoming the person you want to be is always a path worth following.

Listen to yourself and you will find the right answer - everything else will fall into place. No choice is "best" and there is no, one way to do it. Take care of yourself and your children and you will know how best to proceed.

I saw your post a day or two ago and sat on it for abit before posting.

I believe that maybe your feelings come from simply not believing in how important YOU are in your home as Mom and Wife. It is not glamorous and there is no paycheck or financial bonus that comes from what Moms do. Hours are looong...days are looong and never do you get a paid vacation. Rewards do come...but in very differing ways. It takes looking at things with a different perspective to see the rewards of what you do as a Mom/Wife.

I have a degree..taught at a private school before kidlets came along. Once our first child came I left work and never looked back. I throw all my time and energy into my new position..Full time Homemaker. I don't call myself a stay at home mom..it is sooo not fitting for what I am and what I do. I am sooo much more than a mom that stays home. Until you feel empowered by your role you will just feel like a woman that wipes butts and noses and do it day in and day out. If you view the work you do in your home as mundane and anyone could be paid to do it then you will not find enjoyment,fulfillment or empowerment.

I take my role very seriously and don't want a job or schooling to get in the way right now cuz I simply don't have the time or energy for them. Are there things in life that I would love to do?...or would I like to make a difference in the world?...or throw myself into a hobby? Yes...but if there is time to do that after my "job" now then I will get to it someday. The things I get involved in have to fit into my life...I don't make my kids and hubby fit into my outside of the home hobbies/choices.

I think you are looking for ways to escape...and granted it might be rough right now especially since you mentioned a rocky relationship. Don't plan the rest of your life out of fear of what might happen. Throw your time and energy into what is right before your eyes..your kids..your husband. Put on a smile and own your role...embrace it! I really think that when we change our attitudes and take a more positive approach to things then we can make what may seem mundane,boring and routine into something rewarding and fulfilling. Maybe this seems a bit "Pollyanaish" but it has worked for me. From toilets, sick kids to sex....a change in attitude can work wonders for the soul!

I feel sad that you are feeling so unappreciated and it sounds like you are just "existing'. Good luck with what you choose and I hope you find joy,fulfillment and happiness. Life is not meant to simply endure from day to day ..but to enjoy!