Going Out

T., I have it so easy compared to a lot of moms, I have 3 kids (4, 2, and 7 months), my husband works but is home every evening, and I stay home. And I still need a break from my kids! I love them to death and think I am a good mom, but sometimes I just want to jump out the window. And when I get a break, I come back a much nicer mom and wife. It is necessary. No company would force you to work around the clock with no break. Take the time, and even though it's hard, do not feel guilty about it.

Honey, not only do you need to get out, you deserve to get out!! Four kids, school, job, mom.........wow, that is amazing! Keep this in mind, your children's happiness is directly related to your happiness! Go shopping, get your nails done, see a movie..........go for it! Let them talk, you are grown-up and there is nothing wrong with taking time out for yourself.

A.

Everyone's already said it, but I'll say it again: You are not only NOT BAD, you need time for yourself to be the best mom you can be. You need alone time, time with no one tugging at your elbow to get them something from the kitchen, time with friends - to be whole. Alone time is like a safety valve that helps you let off steam so you don't combust around the kids.

I'll bet one of the things that makes this situation harder is that you probably leaned heavily on your sisters and family for support when the divorce came down. You were probably happy for their advice and consolation. Now, they're probably somewhat trained to think they should advise you all the time about everything! Oh well - time for the roles to shift a little. Sis is back on her feet, 30 years old, a GREAT mom (obviously) and the best judge of what will and won't hurt her four kiddos. Just thank your sisters profusely and sincerely for everything they've done for you to get you through the mess, ask them to suspend judgment since they can't really walk in your shoes, and tell them that if they can't, you hope they will be able to bite their tongues because you're gonna have to agree to disagree on this. Then start getting together a list of great sitters from friends ("friends" who refuse to share sitters aren't "friends," btw), so that you don't have to listen to your family caw at you if you use one of them to sit.

By the way, everyone does things differently, but here's the approach I took with my daughters when I was ready to start dating them. I sat them down and told them that grown-up mommies needed to have friends and play dates just like kids, and that I was going to do that sometimes. I told them that some of my friends would be guys, some would be girls. At first I decided not to introduce my kids to any of my dates "unless it got serious," but then they were intensely curious about where I was and it seemed to cause them anxiety that I was leaving and they didn't know anything. I realized I was making it too mysterious (and consequently more serious than it needed to be) by hiding stuff from them. So I took a deep breath and the advice of a friend: I started to introduced my children to my dates by saying, "this is David, one of mommy's friends I told you about. We are going to a movie." At one point, my older daughter asked me, "are you going to marry him?" about one of my dates, and I said, "no, sweetie. We are just pals, just like you and Jacob (a school pal). When I am ready to get married to someone, you will be the first person to know." They seemed to accept this very well. I ended up glad I took this approach, because I was single for a really long time, and it would have been horrible to try to hide dating for so many years!

Good luck with your family and have fun!

There is absolutly Nothing! repeat Nothing! wrong with you. As a mom if you can not recharge your own batteries with a little "me" time then there is no way you can continue to be at your best for your kids. Together my fiance and I have 8 kids. Trust me without a little bit of recharge time neither one of us would be worth anything! I have an idea you might be able to try...you may not be able to do it in your area, but if you could find an activity, like scouts that the kids could be in around the same time, then you could get an hour or two of mommy time. Something anything that would give you a sometime to yourself. And you are only 30 years old. Just because you are a mommy doesn't mean you have to become a nun...someday they will grow up and leave the nest, there is nothing wrong with you dating to try and find someone to spend your life with because you will always be a mommy but they won't always live at home. Take care and don't let anyone get you down!
K.

No, you are not at all selfish and you do deserve to have a life! When my kids were small (they are 20 mos apart in age, girl and boy)my hubby would sense I needed a break and tell me to call a friend and get away for a while and he would stay with our kids. He, as well as the kids, enjoyed having a wife and mom that returned in a better mood and frame of mind. You, being a single mom, have it all to deal with all the time and very much need time away sometimes just to relax and regroup and you DO deserve it! You deserve to have adult interaction as well as your children needing interaction with other children and it is important that you do. Maybe you could make an arrangement with a friend who is also a single mom to take turns babysitting for each others children so the other could have a break if it is not possible to get help from your family. I don't see anything wrong with an occasional date either. You've already stated that you would not bring them home or around the kids on a whim so you are considerate of your kids in the decisions that you make. Good luck to you and don't let others put a guilt trip on you. It is not their decision and they should not be aloud an opinion if they are not willing to help you.

Hi T..
I am in the same exact place as you. I am 32 a single mom of 4 outstanding kids. You and I are in the same exact place. I think you need some you time. You love and adore your kids and it proves that. It is very important to get "You" time, to rejuvenate you and your spirits, energy, or whatever. Breaks are healthy and it is not a reflection on you or as a mother. Everyone needs breaks from time to time. No worries. Take a break and enjoy it!! If there is anything I can do to help let me know!!
Best of luck!!
J.

I understand exactly how you feel. It is hard to decide what to do. First of all let me start by saying NO-YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM-because you want to have "me" time. I feel the same way at times. I do have my mother-in-law and my mother, but my mom-well she doesn't watch my kids very often for me to go out, but she is good about watching them if they are sick or something so I don't have to take off work. My mother-in-law helps out with my little one-she watches my 2 year old while we attend sporting events for my 8 year old, but still back to ground zero no me time or no me and my husband time.
What are the ages of your children? And what area do you live in? What type of work do you do?

YOu are not a bad mother to want "me" time. My husband and I are trying to work something out where we can have "us" time. We have a great sitter durning the day, but I would hate to ask her to keep her latter then 4:15-4:30. I would not trust my MIL with a bag of turnips and expect to get them back in the same shape I left them. So I sure wouldn't trust her with a child. I wish I knew someone to recomment to watch your little ones. I know it can be hard to find a good sitter. I am still looking.

Yes, in an ideal world moms would have time to themselves. However, in this world it is not always possible. I have a sister in a simular situation and my mom has watched her kids so much that she became hateful. I think if you want time for yourself, try to find a babysitter once in awhile. (one that you pay) This way you are not asking any family for help.

T.,

I saw lots of good advice on your problem. You should NEVER feel guilty for needing "me" time. If you do not rejuvenate yourself then you will wilt and die inside. That will do your family no good. Have you ever heard the saying, "if mama aint happy then no one is happy?" That is true, so true in more ways than one.

Try this......join a church. Within the church are Sunday School classes for adults and children. Within a church may be a youth group and singles groups. Within a church is a nursery offered for special events and church events. within a church is bible study classes. Within a church is support and love offered. You can meet men and women. Mine offers volleyball, softball, scrapbooking, square dancing, shopping trips, yearly musicals and plays, baseball game getaways, St. Louis trips and so forth. Find a church you feel a part of and enjoy the time you start feeling refreshed! You will soon find "me" time within your weekly comings and goings.

Then....maybe you'll find a little "date" time and the children may come to understand it better. One, because they see others, hear others doing the same in broken and blended families. And two, they may already know the person from church and not feel so full of anxiety over not knowing anything.

Enjoy life.....God planned it that way. Lilly :)

T., there is absolutely nothing wrong with you have "me" time. You need it to survive raising kids,even though your family may mean well, They are not the ones that are raising 4 kids so, they need to be more supportive to you.

T., You need time to yourself! Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for that. I am a mom of four kids. I am married to a truck driver. He is gone a lot and I need a break from them. I occasionally have someone watch them while I go out....even if it is just to the grocery store! When us moms have time away we come back being better moms. SO, schedule lunch or dinner with a friend and go.....enjoy...have fun! Do not feel guilty about this! C.

YOu are not selfish, you are human. I admire you. My husband is military and gone alot. I have 2 kids under the age of 3 and my husband has been gone 2 out of the last 3 years. I am lucky that I don't have to work, the Army pays well enough for me to stay home with the kids. But, I had to find some "me" time. I found a MOMS group in town and we share babysitting times so that we each have a chance to go out. Some of the Moms are single, some are military wives, and some just want some companionship. Sharing the babysitting has helped us get through deployments. I think you are doing great. Go easy on yourself. Remind yourself that your family just doesn't get it. I have to tell myself that about my family because none of them are military.

Maybe you could pick one weekend a month that you could convince someone to watch your children. One weekend a month would be more than none. Just discuss the need to have some "me time" with your mother, hopefully she would understand.

you are not being selfish. it sounds like you have a full plate. you definately need a break, you should maybe ask a non-family member to babysit, so you don't have to listen to it.
maybe your mom is just so use to working and wasn't there for you growing up she thinks it would be better that you stayed at home because she didn't. i don't know, but you should go out with friends or even alone. people have known to go a little nutty not having a break and stress isn't healthy.
i hope this helps.
N. k

I am s SAHM -- I used to be a work at home mom doing accounting. AND HECK yes you need time to yourself, sometimes I tell DH, that I want to go on a " date" ~~
We dont have anyone to watch the kids - even though my parents are near by, but we just cant go there.

BUT YES YOU NEED JUST " YOU TIME"

just my two cents

B.

If you don't have time to yourself, you could start resenting your life, and that's good for nobody! If your family won't help you out (and boy, are they being selfish, sorry to hear that!) then find a friend or neighbor to give you even an hour here and there.
My dh's schedule keeps him gone most of the day. He mainly is here to sleep, so I don't get "me time" either. I count myself lucky to go to WalMart by myself, yipes!
You need to take care of yourself, mentally, physically, and everything in between, so you can be at your best for your kids. It's not selfish, it's self-preservation. Good luck!!
J.

You are not selfish, everyone needs time to themselves occasionally just to recharge the batteries, so to speak. Even Dr. Phil says that if you are continually making withdrawals from your emotional bank account and never make deposits, you'll be overdrawn and no good to anyone. You might try babysitting swaps with other families, some weekends you might have extra kids but it'll be worth it to have a weekend off.

I have been feeling this same way lately. I am a single mom of an 8 year old boy, work full time, and go to school full time. I often times feel guilty when I want to go out and have me time, but after reading all the advice for you, I see I shouldn't feel guilty. Though it is hard for me to find sitters and to know what I should pay them. I work on either saturday nights or on sunday days or I have to find a sitter for those times and often times feel bad when I want to go out for me.
I can to a decision a few nights ago that I am going to send my son away to summer camp next year, just so I can have some good alone time. I thought this would be a good idea for me as well as for him.
Good luck with the stress, I know it's hard and I can only imagine how much more difficult it is with more then one. I understand.

I guess I must be really weired. First of all, I don't think your crazy. But I personally don't understand. I am with my kids and daycare kids 7 days per week, 24 hours per day, and I NEVER feel a great need to get out alone.

But.. on the other hand.. I can't wait until I become a grandmother. I know I will want my grandchildren around me all the time. So as long as my kids are not being neglectful toward their kids, I'll definitely watch my grandchildren for free. That's saying a lot since I do earn my living that way. I've also felt this way for 20 years, so I don't think I'll change my mind.

Sounds to me like there needs to be some sort of daycare co-op formed for those of you living in the KC Metro. I know when people call me for a couple hours of care, they never like that I charge a full 25 dollars for the shift no matter how short it is. I'll do up to 10 hours for the 25 dollars. But I won't do an hourly because it's too disruptive to get used to new and very part-time children for just a few dollars. Also, I wouldn't likely be able to find other children that would come from 8-10PM to make up for the kids that only came from 6-8PM. KWIM?

I guess the one question I have for those in this situation.. If your working and going to school, when do you study? If your working even 30 hours per week, going to school another 10 or more hours per week, when do you sleep and when would there be time to go out? What if your working 40 hours per week and going to school 10 or more? Don't they say you need to study 2 hours outside of class for every 1 hour in class? Wow.. I can't even imagine and I applaud you all for doing it.

Suzi

Of course you need some time "just to be"! I value the time I get to go to the grocery store alone! Try trading some sitting with a another mom or group of moms if your sisters and mom won't pitch in. If you lived near me, I'd be glad to trade with you!
You are very smart to date casually. You read the boards on how hard it is for kids and step-parents to blend into one family. If the right man comes into your life, great! But, I'm on the Dr. Laura side of things. Raise your kids, and take a few hrs. a week to "raise a little bit of H**L!!" (Dr. Laura doesn't agree with the raising H**L part!)
(before you ladies rant on me...you know what I mean! LOL)
Good Luck and don't feel guilty!

HI. Stay at home mom of 4 that homeschools and has grown in the Bible and Christ very much in the last year. You should get involved in a good Christian church. That will solve everything. Get more involved with Christ and he will lead you to the right man for you and your children. Doesn't matter what family thinks if you are doing what God says!
God Bless and I know where you are at. I have been through a divorce. Feel free to e-mail me at ____@____.com.
S., Independence, MO