Grandaughter Dating a Punk

If he treats her well and is respectful to you, the way he looks doesn't matter. Better she learn that now than later, eh?

Please, don't be embarassed to take them places - be proud that she's dating someone who is nice to her and nice to you and ignore the "looks."

Many people are judgmental, many people don't like it when they see someone who doesn't "fit in" in one way or another. If you support her in this now, she may be strong enough to not let these unfortunate realties affect her personal choices later.

Good luck.

Im 19 and I've had my share of losers. I think she will learn on her own mostly but still give her some advise, dont let her get out of hand. She still need to feel she is making her own way in life

I think that as long as he is treating her good and is nice and respectful, then it doesn't really matter what he looks like. I wouldn't care if my daughter wanted to date someone who looked like that as long as he treated her right and was a good guy

If he wore a blazer, had politician hair and beat her would you like him better just because he looked presentable to a crowd? Of course not! What if he were a burn victim? Or an albino? My advice.......the usual stop judging a book by its cover. If he is nice, treats her well and she is happy then you need to try your best to get past what he looks like? If you find you just can't get past his mohawk then don't go in public with your granddaughter and her boyfriend.

My daughter dated a Goth kid in high school. I thought he was nice and always never a problem when he came over. I am very close to my daughter and gave her plenty of support and kept an open line of conversation with her. I really did not care how he looked or how other's looked at him. My main priority was keeping my daughter strong mentally so she could make the best decision for her. Be her support and always make her feel like she can come to you if she has a problem. People find a way to be judgmental about anything so just make sure everything is kosher for her and she is happy.

he sounds like a cutie to me. he treats her well, is low-key and polite when you talk to him. if you're embarrassed by him, i suggest you work on your preconceived notions.
for all you know, he's embarrassed to be seen with you too, but he's courteous enough to deal with it.
khairete
S.

Ahem, as a former blue-mohawked, chuck taylor-wearing, leather-jacket-having, safety-pin-earring-sporting punkrocker, I say, "PUNX NOT DEAD!" It embarrassed the heck out of my mother, but she would have (and still would) rather had a daughter who is creative, can think for herself, and doesn't follow the herd than a daughter who is always worried about what other people think. Let me think back 20+ years ago to a day in AP chemistry class...my assigned lab partner was one of the "in" crowd. She was supposedly smart. Every teacher sang her praises. After she couldn't understand the instructions, I followed them easily and finished our lab assignment in no time flat. She said to me, "Wow, I didn't think you were smart." Anyway, my point is that punk rock style is often, but not always, an indicator of an intelligent kid who doesn't fit in with the "norm," whatever that may be. I would guess that 85% of every punk I've ever known was in the gifted program at their respective schools. So, yeah, don't judge a book by its cover.

Oh I remember several punk rockers at my HS!

Although I never dated one since I dated the same guy from Freshman until I went to college.... I can tell you at my 10 yr HS reunion, the one punk rocker who looked the most extreme, had become an attorney.

Go figure!

Please accept him for who he is. He treats her well and she is happy. What more do you want?

Keep the lines of communication open with her and let her know you trust her.

Then don't take them places.

If your granddaughter is happy, who cares what her boyfriend looks like? Would you rather her date some pompous jerk who looks "normal"?

Ok, what a kid is at 16 doesn't reflect on what a kid will be at 25 or that they are not a good kid. Real life example is my sister. All of high school she had blue, pink, green, violet, or any combo of the above. ALL of high school. she also had 39 holes in her head, most in her ears but still! What were her hobbies? She was leader of our church rock band... she was a straight A student with all honors classes... She liked to memorize Bible verses and read books on theology. So you look at the cover and say, "messed up kid" but if you KNEW her, "wow, she is just rebelling in her looks, and is actually a really good kid".

Also she is now 25 years old and her UNDERGRAD degree was in Biomedical Engineering... she is the TOP of her field and has different foreign countries begging her to do her research in their country. She doesn't dye her hair now and she has let the holes all heal up but she learned so much from those things.

She is one of the bravest people I know because of the BS she got for her looks in high school. She knows how to deal with it gracefully when people blow her off and they are wrong for it. It is part of the reason she is at the top of her field.

You can be embarrassed all you want, but I suggest you talk with him (and I do mean talk with not give orders about how you wish he would change). I bet the reason that he doesn't say much in front of you is because he already knows that you judge the book by the cover and sees no reason to fight you on it so is gracefully just keeping his mouth shut.

I would say you cant judge a book by its cover. If he is nice and treats her nice that is the main thing. I bet if she dated a nice dressed boy and he treated her bad you would want her to go back to the school punk. You may not like how he looks but if your grand daughter does not mind then you shold not be embarrased either. He may not dress like that foreever either. Everyone is different. Everyone looks different and hair color, style cloths, peircings really should not matter as long they are happy and he treats her well.

He treats her well. Leave it at that. So long as she isn't feeling pressured to do things and she isn't changing her looks just to match his, I would try and be a good example and caring to both of them, and do that through kindness and acceptance. Try putting the emphasis on the kind of a person he is, not how he looks. I dated punks like you described, and I also dated popular guys, the kind who looked accepting to society. This preppy popular guys were often more perverted and disgusting. I think so long as your granddaughter is being taught about making wise decisions, her own personal value and morals, the importance of being smart... then she'll be okay.

Oh, my family Dr. used to have a blue mowak and pierced lip, major punk... now he is a family friend who plays golf on the weekends and wears khakis and polo shirts. It's most likely a phase.

Judge him on his character NOT his appearance. I know it is hard to do, but his character is MUCH more important that his appearance. And who really gives a rats @$$ what some stranger thinks when they see you out with him. Their opinions don't matter, you will probably never see them again in your life. Worry about the things that matter......

Unfortunately, you are just grandma...As long as he is treating her right you'll have to let it go. Do your best to get to know him and be pleasant.

I really am not trying to be rude, but if you could put yourself in her and his shoes, you might see that it is equally embarrassing for them to be seen with you by their friends. He is polite - what would you do if he had a hare-lip? Be embarrassed? or look at the whole picture, your granddaughter is happy, he treats her well, and really - so what if he looks a little bit different? His appearance may be an attempt to set himself apart from the "run-of-the-mill" other guys, or it may be an "in your face" kind of statement, but the reality is that you are unlikely to be able to change this, and ultimately what is important is that you maintain a relationship with your granddaughter - right? Take him as he is.

I went to high school during the 80's when punk rock and new wave was in. I have to tell you, during my recent high school reunion, what do all these punker guys look like now? Middle aged men. Correction: Middle aged men who have careers, a wife and children, a mortgage and a SUV to go with it.

High school is the time for kids to find their identity. Some kids who rebell with their appearance are rebellious but a majority are just experimenting with fads and having fun being young. My advise would be, don't judge a book by it's cover. Find out what's inside because that is where the truth resides.

Ya I can see how embarrsing it would be to take them places but you need to also realize this is how he is expressing himself.I laugh so hard now at what I use to wear,& how I painted my nails black & wore really dark lip liner in HS that all passed I would never wear just lip liner dark polish great thats all the rave but the gothic style no not this mama I laugh at those who do wear them because it brings back memories & how silly they look.At least he has a pink mohawk :) Mismatched the style here is mismatched socks & they purposely are selling this way it was also on QVC before Christmas.
Your granddaughter seems happy that is great it would be the changes the unlike her personality decisions she would never make is what I would be worried about he is the PUNK of the school so there for it is so cool to have him as a boyfriend maybe not the greastest deciosnon on a boy but it'll pass

If he treats you with respect, is kind to your granddaughter, your granddaughter is happy.... what's the problem? Doesn't sound like a punk to me.

If you don't like taking them out to places, then spend quality time at home.

I always say "Never judge a book by it's cover". I was a "Goth", albiet on the "milder end" of things and dated "punks". They were some of the sweetest guys I knew so much of the time. I felt far more respected by them then when I dated some of the typical guys people would think to date. Those "typical guys" were actually the ones who wanted to pressure me into sex (of course I said NO but they didn't want to accept no and would simply break up with me) whereas the "punks" accepted no and moved on! I remember one of my friends confided in me once after we'd known each other for a good while that when she first saw me in a class we took together I scared her. Only because of what I wore. She was glad she got to know me in the end and we became great friends. She was the prototypical shy, straight laced, polo wearing kid. I had friends of all types...still do!
I was a great student, never once have I done drugs and I never enjoyed alcohol. I was in Drama, technical theater and choir. In other words I was (and still am) a "good kid" I just liked that style of clothes and music.
Try to get to know him. Look past the things he wears. He may surprise you :)

If he treats her nice its all good. A lot of teens go for the colored hair, piercings and oddly shaped shoes. My 14 year old wants her hair blue but it takes more than just looks to be a punk. a Punk is more someone who is cruel and mean this boy just sounds like average teen. What about hs looks embarrasses you? if its the hair have him wear a hat

Treat him/them like you would anyone else.
And take lots of pictures.
Someday they will be grown up, married (maybe not to each other) and have kids of their own.
Right about when they start complaining about what ever fad their kids are into is when you whip out the photo album and show their kids how their parents use to look.
It's priceless!

As hard as it may be...embrace her choices. As long as you set another example of lifestyle for her she will always have a choice but ultimately she will be the one to choose which one she wants for herself. Right now, she may love the "punk" but remember, guide with love and support and maybe you will pull her over from the dark side without her even knowing she was nudged!

Lots of good responses! I think it's great that your grandaughter found a guy who treats her well and makes her happy. That in itseld should speak volumes for his character, even if he's not verbally saying much. If he's respectful, it wouldn't matter to me. It's a phase. 10 years from now she'll be asking you 'remember that mohawk kid I dated?!' and you'll get a good laugh about it. In the meantime, don't worry about what other people think about you taking them out... you would want to teach your grandbaby to be proud of herself and love herself no matter what other people think or say, right? Lead by example. You wouldn't want her feeling bad about herself just because someone tells her that she's not pretty, or isn't as smart. She needs to learn to hold her head high, and she needs to learn it from you :) Hope she finds a handsome football player soon!! ;)

Hahahhahaha this makes me smile!!!!
I was a strait A student very social and popular until I dye my hair bright pink, and start dating "punks" .....only last thru my high school years,
Now I see the kids at the mall and is kind of mixed feelings because. I use to do it but know I see how bad looks......
Is just the appearance what's bother you.... remember the Craigslist killer?? He was a dream guy..........
I agree with B take pic when you can because in 10 years you will be laughing at this.....