Grieving a Child

Well I have experienced the loss of twins

Its hard and painful either way, Sometimes the distraction of a Good friend, is just what the doctor ordered,

I have a receiving blanket I kept to remember them by,
And some days are more difficult than others.

Perhaps you could Give her a Locket to keep his picture in.

( They make those new digital laser pictures but i think the locket allows her close it and forget when she wants.)

Don't give her a card, or anything that might make her TOO weepy,

Also very good might be a manicure and pedicure, or something to keep her busy,

Either way it will be a hard day for her, having people who remember her son in her life and know is a good thing, we never want to forget altogether, Just quietly being there for her is enough, listen to her if she wants to talk,
Good luck

M

PS if there is a group of friends perhaps you could do something more monumentous like buy a stone bench for his grave site, or just help pay for the expenses, headstone, ect... As this was very costly, and the bills are a constant reminder of what was lost.

I would do something to celebrate her as a person and not so much her as a mother. If she needs to talk about it, she will. Take her out to lunch and maybe go get your nails done, take a nice walk if the weather is nice. Just take her out for a "Girl's Day". She is lucky to have a friend like you who cares so much for her.

I'm sorry for your friend's loss... I know this might be hard for you too, as you are her friend...
If I were you, I would do what I know heart tells me.. which is... whatever you think might be best for your friend. We all know our friends best. So think of how your friend nowadays, is she out and about, or is she still home... that makes a difference. Because she might not be ready to go out on that specific day. It's your call you know.

But I read some of the advices here and they are all great.. but I really think "Mary K" advice is best as she is someone who has been thru a loss of a child, and knows that having someone who is there for her is best.

I like the bench idea for example..;

Buy a bench in memory of your friendship and engrave something a friend would say, like
"I'm here to sit by your side - your name"
and take some tea, or something to do with her on that day, her nails, etc. Just spend some time with her, and let her state of mind lead you to where she wants to be. I'm sure you know what I mean,. and this does not have to be on mother's day. It can be the day before or after.. But do see her on mother's day and give her a hug. Everyone always needs a hug, specially someone that knows it hurts.

You are a wonderful friend. God bless you and your friend always.

C.

T., i say have a girl day or a weekend out with her.
Go out and have fun get your nail and hair done. go to the movies, go out for drinks.

Sorry about your friend's loss. She's blessed to have a wonderful friend like you by her side.

Wishing you both strength, hope, and peace.

T.-
You should absolutely acknowledge this day to your friend. I have worked with many grieving individuals who have expressed feeling isolated in their grief as many of their family and friends avoid the subject.
Good luck,
NT

My condolences to your friend. My heart goes out to her as death is such a difficult experience, one would never want to associate it with ones child. Mary K's advice is the best I think. Even more so because she has been through this and can best tell you what to do. The locket sounds like a beautiful idea. Give thingsremembered.com a look see as they have many affordable, engravable pieces to chose from and it would definitely be an intimate memory, one she could share if she liked or not. Good luck.

Please don't acknowledge it or Ignore it... She knows it's Mother's Day. You simply be there for her as a friend and support her with whatever she needs. By all means don't tell her she WAS a Wonderful Mother...Your role should be Support, not a Reminder. Don't make her re-live that pain by your words, or sympathy. Embrace her as a friend, who is just there for whatever she needs. Don't refer to Sunday as MOTHER"S DAY, you might want to see if she'd like to go to the Movies (careful which movie you pick, not Baby's Momma), or to the Spa, somewhere FUN and somewhere you two less likely to run into Families taking their Mom's out...Let her decide. You can approach her by saying, Let's Do Something Fun this Weekend (attention away from the "MOTHER"S DAY" holiday...

You can do this, good luck girl! CC

I miscarried at 17 weeks and it was incredibly hard for me. While it was different to your friends story, I had felt my child move, I had to give birth.. it was tough especially when people glossed over it. I even had people say "Oh well, you can have another".

It hurts.

When it came to the first mother's day after it I was in pieces and one of the best things to happen was a friend sending me a mothers day card. Whilst I sobbed hard and bitter tears I was just so grateful that to someone else, my child had existed, was real and was grieved for. You can't take away the pain but you can share it and that is about the greatest gift you can give her at this time.

God bless you both
H.

I don't think you should acknowledge or ignore it. You should just let her know that you are there and available for whichever way she wants the day to go. Having a nice lunch in the backyard would be nice. Going out to dinner might be tricky, since most restaurants will be "celebrating" Mother's Day. You could bring all of the food to her, this way, she will feel comfortable to express whatever emotions come to her. This is a hard situation either way and I wish you and her all the best.

I would say ignoring it would be the worst thing.. Although I have not been in this situation, I remember my first mother's day after my mother passed away. I appreciated very much when people were honest with me - I had a friend say "Listen, I know next Sunday is mother's day and I would like to spend it with you since I know it will be difficult." I responded much better to that than to others who were too much in- my-face over it or didn't say anything at all. I would avoid outdoor-activities (so she's not "pressured" to be in a "good" mood, and maybe suggest coming over to her house and ordering a pizza, etc. SHe might want to just stay in PJs... Another tip - try to avoid TV as much as possible: watch a movie or channel surf during commercials - I never noticed how many mother's day commercials there were until the mother's day after my mother was deceased.

well that all depends on how her state of mind is...has she spoken of her loss???i would give her a "thinking of you" card that says if she needs anyhting or needs to talk then you are there for her but i wouldnt "push"the mothers day thing...i htink it would mean alot more to her knowing that theres someone there to listen rather then keep bringing up the the baby....i dont know ive never had to deal with this kind of loss but i know this is what i would want...

This is an old request but I just saw it and HAD to respond. I lost a child too. Everyone grieves differently but we all grieve deeply. Some people will want to be distracted others will want to weep alone all day. It is soooo wonderful that T. is such a thoughtful friend. That means more than anything. It's hard to say exactly what she could have done for her grieving friend without knowing either of them.

However, I would recommend calling and asking her friend what she has planned for the day and if she would want to do anything (T. doesn't have to say why she is asking--the grieving mother will know very well why). If her friend seems to want to grieve alone, T. could leave a small, meaninful gift for her friend to find when she is alone. A paper crane or a small flowering plant and a card saying that T. is thinking of her and her angel would be nice. It is SOOOOOO important to any grieving parent to know that others remember their little ones so any small gesture of rememberance would be nice.

I definately would not organize an effort to purchase a memorial stone or bench without talking to the grieving parent first!! They might become really upset about any memorial that did not include their input and may not even want one. This is such a touchy subject but showing genuine care and concern is always going to be helpful. Just be sure to think carefully about how your friend is feeling. Keep n mind that her feelings & actions might make no sense at all to "normals" (people who have not lost a child) so, please be careful, thoughtful and patient.