Guilty About Not Giving #2 Attention

YES! I feel the same exact way! I don't know how to fix it and I don't have any advice. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone!

My 4 year old also demands a lot of attention. But, when my husband is home, I take my younger one out for mommy dates (I do this with my older one as well). Also, I put my older room in his room for an hour for his alone quiet time, so he can learn to entertain himself and is a little nap time replacement since he no longer naps.

I have this time for lots more one on one time with my younger. Also, play with your little one while talking to your 4 year old. Set him up with little crafts, toy train, books, drawing, painting, little activities that he can do some fun busy work and teaching him patience so you can also have more time with the baby.

It's all about managing the time you have and creating little pockets of time to spend with the less vocal of the children.

Absolutely felt the same way!! The guilt I felt during my 2nd child's first year was so thick, I could almost taste it. The reality is that, you will never, ever be able to give your 2nd child the same attention as the first. You had nothing else to do but spend time on your firstborn -- it was much easier then. But now you have no choice but to portion your time between the two kids. And, the split will NEVER be equal -- one child's needs will usually be more urgent than the other child's. What's worse is that the workload has not doubled with the second baby -- it's much more than 2 times the work.

I'll tell you the same thing I was told: do not hold yourself to some "standard" you set with your firstborn. Continue doing the very best you can...which is what you are doing now. Your second child will be as well-adjusted and happy as your firstborn. But instead of just having you, your baby has you AND your eldest -- that second child is a very lucky baby and will learn from both of you.

Hang in there...and Happy Mother's Day!

Yep, going thru the same thing. I asked this question before here, search for the answers other moms have given. My sons are 14 mos and 4 yrs..and I work, so my time with either is limited. I am already tired when I get home, I then have to breastfeed my younger one while listening to the stories of my older in preschool. It's tough, and I wish I could take that guilt away, but as my M. told me before, take care of the one with the most critical need at the moment. Try to listen to your 4yr old while holding your baby. The touch and feel will help your younger one feel connected.

I think you should feel less guilty. The younger one isn't unhappy, right? Just not attended to all the time. Same thing with my younger one. He's much more independent than his sister ever was (and still is). I held my first pretty much the entirety of her 1st year, and I do think that's contributed to her need to constantly be circling around me, but my second got put down a lot more, and he's much more content figuring out how to entertain himself. Different parenting styles helps to contribute to differently acting kids, but it doesn't mean that one way is better than the other. I actually think my son is better off in many ways than his sister because he wasn't the sole focus of my attention. Anyway, I'm rambling, but if you can let go of the guilt about it, you should, because you love them both and other than that it all comes out in the wash. Good luck.

Don't forget that your younger child also has the benefit of getting attention from, playing with, and communicating with a sibling.

I think it's just not possible to give each child the same experience. And that's not necessarily a bad thing!

It's a sad fact but this is what happens when you have more than one child , I used to sit and play with my first child for a long time , we did flash cards , played with his trains etc , then my daughter got less attention because I was busy doing the other extra stuff that comes with having more than 1 child , now my 3rd child get's even less when the other 2 are around , during the week days when my eldest is at school all day and middle one at preschool , she get's my undivded attention for most of the time. It will get easier as your older one get's older and goes off to school , so don't beat yourself up about it.

Hi S.-
I am a single mom with a 6 yo and a 23-mos old. I have felt the exact same way about my two boys. What I do is play with my younger one while I am changing his diaper and when we are eating. I also sit on the sofa with the younger on my lap and my older one sitting next to me. Then we all play together or wind down for the night together. I give them baths together so we are all playing together then also. I tried to keep in mind when my youngest was even younger, that he would not remember but his older brother would. So, if they both are fussing I usually go to my oldest boy first. It's getting a little bit different as they get older - my oldest will play on his own now so I can bond a little more with my youngest. And when I go to the oldest boy first I tell my youngest that I will be right there and he can see me so things work out. I have kept up encouraging my older boy to play with and bond with his younger brother. So that helps when I can read books to or play with both at the same time. There is not so many jealousy issues. I hope this helps out a little bit for ya!
J.

It's a common problem! Do try to teach your four year old about interrupting now. That way you can sit down and read a book to your 10 month old all the way through. It's good for all. Also, include your 4 year old in playing with the baby. It doesn't need to be one or the other. There are things all 3 of you can do (modified, of course). If you go to a park, considering bringing a friend for your 4 year old so you can concentrate more on playing with the baby. You didn't say if you were a stay home mom or not, but if you are - use preschool time (Kindergarten will come soon, too!) as one-on-one time with the baby.
Then, worry less. Enjoy.

As a mother of 6 (1, 4, 7, 8, 9, 15) I have learned that like in all things you must multi-task. Have your older child be your "big helper". Wether its helping with daily chores or helping with the baby, you get some extra time with your 4 year old and everything still gets done. This makes it a little easier to spend time with the baby. My 4 year old daughter gets a kick out of being "mini mom". She has fun "helping me arround the house, grocery shopping, running errands, helping with baby brother, ect. Babies require a lot of time, but toddlers want to know everything and love doing anything that makes them feel big and important. Just don't forget to split the kids up between mom and dad at least once a week for a little "just mom or just dad time" with some one on one attention. It doesn't have to be anything fancy. Dad likes to take the kids one on one for "lunch dates" and - like to take the kids one on one for walks or to the book store or yard saling.

Have you tried setting a timer, then switching your focus (to the other child) after it goes off? It doesn't have to be a fancy timer... You can use the one on your oven... Try increments of 20 minutes. Plus it's a good way to teach your 4 yo to learn patience and how to play with the baby too.

You don't have to feel guilty! It is a natural part of having more than one. As long as the second is happy, don't worry! If she turns out to be a "middle" she will give you a hard time about how she was ignored, and if she stays the baby, your son will think that you payed too much attention to her...what ever you do, they will remember that you loved them but it won't be "just right" anyway! You love them both, and the baby has no idea what you did with your son, just make the best of what you can do today!

Good luck,
M.

I had 2 kids back to back, then 7 years later I had baby #3. I have far less energy and patience this time around.... but when I start to feel like I'm not doing the things with him that I did with the first 2 kids, I just focus on what IS being done with him that is different than what the others had. For example, my 3rd child has older siblings who spend quality time with him, teaching him all kinds of things, and playing with him in ways I don't have energy or imagination to do. You just have to reframe your thinking--- instead of trying to make everything even (which is impossible anyway), just focus on what is done differently in a positive way. Each child is different and has different needs.

First of all YOU are the mom. Set the boundaries with the older one. Let your older one know that your younger one needs mom time too and that while you're playing with the younger, the older one can have some special time with a dvd, or a play date etc. Your 4 yr old is old enough to be in a pre-school program three days a week or pre VPK program. Get them enrolled for your sanity and theirs. This will give you time to yourself and for your younger one. You NEED to bond with that little one. Setting boundaries for the older one is NOT going to be a damaging experience and teaches them that they are NOT the center of the universe. it's tough but you need to do this.

I felt the reverse -- but similar problem. When my #2 was born, she was colicky and cried all the time, if she wasn't on the breast. She had problems nursing so she was nursing much more often, I was sitting most of the time nursing her or holding her. My son was 2.5, and he was so easy going... so laid back.. he was such an understanding kid when I would tell him, "Mommy will get (whatever that is) when she's done nursing, ok?" I felt awful.

Kids are very adaptable. Now that they are older I make deliberate choices to give them time alone. Little things -- our 5 year old stays up while the others nap. I take turns only taking one child with me to the grocery store, or on other errands - so we get time alone. I play with my 3 year old when my 5 year old has a playdate over at a friends house. You find the time.

Worrying is normal -- but you will find the time as things settle down. Don't worry! Keep in mind, your older child is 4 -- she's off to Kindergarten soon. You will have LOTS of time with your younger child when that happens.

It is always harder to split yourself between kids... I have said many times that it is harder to switch from a parent of one to a parent of two then any other addition when it comes to kids.

Soemtimes I do things with all 3 of mine at the sametime... like read a book - even at 10 mo & 4 yrs they can enjoy a story together. Even when I was nursing one, I would read to the others. Is their any baby play stuff that you can include your 4 yr old in also? Something that will bring the kids closer also. We also liked doing finger food "picnics" - even if it's in the backyard. Or if possible take only one kid w/ you when you do your running & switch it back & forth so they both have time out with you.

Try not to feel guilty, eventhough I know we all do from time to time. I'm able to spend more extra time with my almost 3 yr old because the other 2 are in school or preschool. Not sure if that is an option for you or not.

Hope you are able to feel less guilty soon - just try to show them love & all should be good.