Dividing Your Attention Between Children

Hey H., I completely understand, I have a daughter who will be 3 in a couple of weeks and a son who is 4 months old. My son was on a heart/apnea monitor or a little while. When he was on it I couldn't do very much because the cables were pretty short and he had to be held all of the time. I found myself asking my daughter to do things for me, like bringing me a diaper or pacifier. After a couple of weeks I noticed that she was getting into trouble a lot. After my son got off of the monitor I was able to take care of the little things again and my little girl was herself again. So I still try to do most everything and not ask her to do much for me if it has to do with brother. Although it would be much easier if she could be my little gopher, it isn't her job, it is mine. Now, she does help sometimes because she enjoys it, but I try to let her be the sister and not the mother. Another thing I do is brag on her to my family and friends. I will praise her for what she is doing while I am on the phone when I know she is being nosy and listening to me. I also try watch and see when baby needs more attetion and then give her some so she doesn't feel left out. For example, when I put them in the car, it takes a little longer to get him buckled in and settled with his lovey, pacifier and mirror. So after I have him taken care of I will go to the other side of the car, open her door back up and give her a quick kiss. It only takes about 5 seconds and she loves it. With my daughter it seems like the little things throughout the day mean more to her than a long drawn out conversation/time. Another thing - I put the baby to bed first so that I can read her the bedtime story and talk about her day or whatever she wants.

I hope this helps. Try to catch your older son doing good and brag on him and make the biggest deal ever out of it. I don't think you could ever praise a child too much, especially when a new baby is in the picture. I wish you the best!

S.

H.,
I have been there. I nursed all my babies until past a year, and yes it is hard when there are older children. What I learned to do is have something special for them to play with when I nursed, then it got put up again. Sometimes that lost its effectiveness, and I would resort to a special movie or show.

And, to make you feel better, they sometimes just had to deal with it for a while. I had to relax and know they would not be scarred for life. Really, it will be okay.

To be honest at 4 I think you do get on to them more. I have a 4 year old and a 3 year old and I feel that my 4 year old gets into more trouble. I think at this age they are testing us more and trying to develop a "line" to see how far they can go. Also as they get older we naturally expect more from them, like remembering that you aren't allowed to jump on your bed. :) As for the nursing baby, my mom always told me that when I was little she would have reading time with me while she nursed my brother so that's what I did and it worked. My oldest has a love for books that I have never seen, she would rather read than do just about anything so I feel the nursing time was well spent. Also preschoolers get into trouble when we expect them to entertain themselves for too long. The other side to this coin is that you don't want to get caught in the "battle" with him and lose. Just be consistent and your son will understand the boundaries. If you feel bad every time he gets into trouble then he could "feel" that and begin to take advantage to stretch the limits. Children are like sweet puppies who can smell our fear. :) Be loving and reassuring and you will raise a very confident well behaved little boy. Good Luck 4 is tough!

When my son was born my daughter was 2.5, and I always read to her while he was nursing so she didn't feel excluded. She had some regression (wanting to wear diapers so she got changed just like the baby), but I kept telling her that he was hers too and when he got bigger she'd always have someone to play with. She's pretty possessive of HER baby now. You might also have your son come with you or your husband on short "big kid" errands, where the other parents stays home with the baby while the big kid helps you grocery shop or something like that.

I know how you feel my baby is almost 3 months and my little girl is 3. At 3 I naturally have to get on to her about more things, I think this would be true even with out a new baby. That said nursing time is a special time between me and the baby, I dont make a big deal out of it, just Im feeding the baby now, I dont read to her or anything, I usually let her watch a cartoon and play with her own toys at that time, this is because she needs to learn that sometimes the baby will need my attention and others she will get my attention and then other times they can share the attention. Kids are smart, they may be a little jealous but they are going to have to learn to share the attention eventually anyways because your new baby is gonna grow up and need 1 on 1 time as well; then what will your older 1 do, will you have to read a story to them as your trying to help the younger one with a problem. I just dont make nursing as time Im stealing from my oldest its just feeding the baby there is no reson to feel guilty, she has more responsibility b/c shes older she knows there is right and wrong things to do and no she doesnt always or even usually choose the right thing, she gets disciplined thats her stage of life when this new baby is 3 or4 she will get disciplined for the same things. You just cant treat a newborn and 4 year old the same and he does understand more then you think. Keep letting him know how very much you love him, I make a habit to tell my daughter a lot I'll just say hey sweetie and she'll answer I'll say I love you, I dont do this to make up to her when Im nursing I just do it randomly thru out the day or just tell her how cute she is. Also I get to eat lunch with her just the 2 of us. The one thing I have noticed is since I'v had my new baby my older daughter has gotten so good at playing by her self, her imagination has soared and she can really play good by herself, this is a great thing to know b/c in life we do spend lots of time alone and its great to know how to be your own best friend. Good luck!

I am sure your 4 year old is a little jeaous of the baby and that is only natural. Maybe he does some things to get your attention even if it is negative. Be sure to be a little understanding, but firm in what you expect from him. Always make sure you take time out for just you and the 4 year old like when the baby is taking a nap. This way he feels special too.

There is an old saying that says if the two kids are crying at the same time, deal with the older one first, then the baby. The older child will remember, but the baby wont. Its very true! Make sure your older child knows that he is just as important to you as the baby. After 4 kids, believe me, Ive been thru this! Being a working mother is difficult at the best of times as far as making sure your kids are feeling loved enough. Just try to make some time just for him. Dad can take care of the baby while you do his bath/bed routine every night, for example. Just something that he knows is just his time and he can count on that. Good luck!

I know exactly how you feel.I also felt this way since having my second child and still do.I find myself having to get on to my 5 yr old more now since the baby was born and I have always felt guilty afterwards even though I know he was in the wrong.I was worse when the baby was smaller but now that the baby is almost 2 it is getting slighty better since the baby also does things that require disipline so my 5 yr old feels less of the target,but nonetheless I always told myself I wouldnt punish the oldest more than the youngest because my mom would do that assuming that my younger brother was more the victim when in fact he was the starter of 90 percent of it since I preferred to be left alone.What I do to ease my guilt is to make sure I use the time the baby is napping to play just with him or when the baby is napping I will give my 5 yr old a treat to make him feel special.You have to make them feel special sperately as well as together.It gets alot harder when their older too because you get less and less of a chance to hide what you give 1 from the other and vise versa.Sometimes just wrestling on the floor with both of them at the same time gets them going or if I go around chasing and tickling them.It might take some time since your were thrown into a new schedule but it will fall into place soon and use the time the baby is sleeping to color,make brownies or w.e with your son.One night after dinner and after the baby was asleep I invited my 5 yr old to make some pudding with me me.I let him do everything minus me making sure it was completely sturred afterwards.But after it was made he ran up to me and gave me a big hug and thanked me for letting him help and told me how fun it was.God that made me feel so good and now thats hes big enough to help he'll be doing alot more of it with me.Its so much fun.

Hi H., I know that you are really busy with your new baby, but your 4 year old needs more attention right now than the other baby. I am sure that the new baby sleeps a lot and that is the time you need to be spending as much time with the 4 year old as possible. Your house work will wait, but that 4 year old will be gone before you know it. Take it from a mom who has 3 grown children. Our oldest two boys were 21 months apart and it is very important that you spend as much time with the oldest so that he doesn't resent the baby. Hope this is helpful

My daughter was 6 when I had my son and I felt the same pull for attention. I just made sure that when that when she came home from school and the baby was napping that that was her time. On the weekends during his naps was also her time. I also got her involved with him like handing me diapers or the butt cream. If he was awake, the 3 of us would play together with his toys on the floor. She finially got over it within a few months and life went back to 'normal'. Now he is 2yrs old and drives her nuts because he wants to do everything his big sister does!! It's never a win win situation I tell you!! lol

Good luck
S.

Hi H.,
I just went through the same thing except my little one is now 1 year old. My son is 6 so a little bit older. I was on bedrest for 3 months!!! Ive never felt so horrible in my life. My son basically didnt have a Mommy for half a year. I would draw or paint with him whilst in bed but that was about all I could do because Iwas heavily medicated. The good thing is we tried our best to prepare him ahead of time telling him that we were not going to be able to spend the same amount of time with him ect... but even still to this day he says to me he misses me and wishes we could spend more time together. He also says why doesnt Chloe (the baby) ever get in trouble like I do? Well, the only thing that has gotten me through this is realizing that women have 2.3,4 and 5 kids all the time and I think it is natural for kids to feel this way. As long as they know you love them they will be fine!! Also speak with your husband and tackle a plan where you both can have some individual time with him special time. Each weekend, I would take my son (the oldest) to a movie or to get icecream so I could get a little break from the baby and he had something to look forward to and so did I. I told him every day how much I missed him and loved him and one day things were going to get back to a routine and we would all feel better. Our baby was colic right at the age yours is now and we thought we were about to jump off a cliff. We literally could only get the basics done with him. Bathe, feed, clothe, get to school. We didnt know if we were coming or going. But I will say the only thing that would calm her was strolling her so we used to all go walking together every night during colic time and that was our family time.
I guess what Im trying to say is your kid will be fine and it will actually make him much more independent and confident in the long run. My son is so much more confident and self sufficient which I feel is important for boys anyway. He is now the BIG brother and he loves it. Just get to 6 months and you will feel like you can finally see straight again and by the time the baby is 9 months you will be so used to it all (and so will he.she) and you will be able to spread the love alot easier. Right now you main goal has to be the baby. You cant be perfect so be okay with all ya got. ITs not easy. I know. I feel for you and really understand your pain.
Just get one day at a time right now. IT will all sort itself out soon.