Just Had Baby #2, Does This Guilty Feeling Ever Go Away?

Hey A.,

I'm pregnant with #2 right now and am already having guilty moments about taking time away from my son. You've got some great answers that I hope I can remember in a few months when I have my new bundle of joy! Congrats on two wonderful children and don't forget how wonderful of a Mom you are to BOTH of them.

He's not even two! He hasn't lost his babyhood yet. You'll have plenty of precious moments with him for years to come.

You need to be happy he gave up on trying to get you to play with him. Because the reality is, he's not ever going to have you all to himself again. And he needs to get used to that. If he didn't get used to it, you would have a lot of acting up to deal with.

Just make time for special time with him, and he will be fine.

Aw Hon, you have a lot of totally normal emotions going on right now (on top of crazy hormones!) and I totally understand where you're coming from. Yes, those feelings of guilt will resolve themselves (only to be replaced by other great guilty feelings for something else! =-) I promise you, in the months to come, when you see your little boy become the light of your baby girl's life...when you see her light up at the sight of him...when you see him give her a kiss on her head when he doesn't think anyone is watching...and when you watch them both laugh uncontrollable with each other...it is "payment in full". You are not taking anything away from either of them, although it might feel that way right now. You are giving them both a gift...the gift of each other! The arrival of your daughter might have spurred some of the behavior changes in your son, or maybe not...he's reaching the age where those things begin regardless of whether or not the changes of a sibling happen. (I remember saying, when my DD was about 22 months old...that someone stole my little sweet angel and replaced her with a monster at times! I remember saying that she was VERY good birth control at that point (and about a week later, realized that she was a bit too late...her brother was on the way!) He's growing up...yes...and it can be hard to watch them as they find their independence...but he still needs you 100% and he loves you his dad, and now he has another wonderful person to fall in love with too. You're doing a great job! Keep me updated and be sure to PM me when they share that first belly laugh together. It really is priceless!

The short answer is yes, it goes away! ;) First off, remember that you are way tired and way hormonal right now, so even the tiniest thing will make you sob! I had many months of guilt over not giving my son (#2) the same things I gave my daughter. They are exactly 2 years apart and it is really hard. 2 is a great age b/c your son is becoming more independent, and trust me, you will savor it very soon while you're busy with baby! I think some of his new behaviors (hitting, coloring on self, etc.) just happen to coincide with the birth of his sister and I doubt they are because of it. He's almost 2, and 2 year olds are a handful! But they are also super loving and cute and funny and fun...so I promise you will rediscover those old feelings and connections and make them even stronger. You will also get to share the joy in watching him connect with his baby sister. I longed all those sleepless nights for it just to be over, for him just to sleep through the night, feed himself, just turn 1 so I can get rid of the pump and the formula and on and on...today my baby turned 1 and I got a little misty and already started, just a tiny, tiny bit, to miss that cuddly baby...so you see, even when you get what you want, it can make you sad! ;)

Try to spend some alone time with each kid each day, even if it's only 5 minutes or to read one story or to do one snuggle and you will have had a successful day! Hang in there, it DOES get better!! Congrats!

I remember feeling all too well. I cried my eyes out because I didn't want to be away from my older daughter(now 2) for more than a day to give birth to my second daughter. I felt bad that #2 was stealing #1's thunder so to speak. Watching them play together now makes me feel like I did the right thing--even though they are 19 months apart(soooo challenging at times). No, they won't get along ALL the time, but who does with everyone all the time. :) I came from a family of four sibs total, so I knew I wanted at least another child. Just remember when you get that guilty feeling that your son has a friend for life. Of course, they won't get along ALL the time, but that's part of them being individuals. That feeling will go away eventually. Give yourself some grace, girlfriend. God bless, and enjoy your babies to best of your abilities--guilt-free!

Oh my goodness! Sounds to me like you have a perfectly happy healthy well-adjusted and completely normal household! I think you are pulling it all off beautifully! (and wondering how all the while?!)

Felt the same as you, and then again, even more with number three.
Went to bed every night regretting the thousands of things I didn't get to, shoulda done, shoulda said, thanking God for my fantastic kids, and fully expecting them to be fantastic kids when I get up the next morning.

And they were!
Congratulations on your awesome family, Enjoy!
(I'd say just RELAX, everything will be OK, but you'd only laugh!)

Yes, the feeling does go away, but it takes a little while. My daughter is 4 1/2 and my son will be two and I think it was a while before it went completely away. It's normal to feel that and don't worry...when your little one is older and can play with your son and you see them laughing and giggling together (even if it is because they are into mischief) the guilty feeling will completely go away. Then you might want number 3 ! :-)

I felt THE SAME WAY!!!!!!!! my 2nd is about to turn 1 (next month) and it DOES get better - tho I have to say it didn't totally dissipate for me, but it got better at least. My oldest started turning to daddy more, which I was happy about yet jealous of at the same time. ;) I just tried to explain as much as I could that mama had to be with the baby sometimes but I still loved him just as much..... praised him for being such a great big brother and helper.

HA. wait till you feel like you like the 2nd one better than the first one, cause that may happen too!!! eventually, the 2 children will play with each other and you'll be left twiddling your thumbs!

My first was 2.5 yrs when I had my second and boy what a tough transition for all of us! My first was the first grandbaby on both sides, the first boy in forever, I had one sis, my husband is the oldest with four younger sisters. So he was the super star and he has such charisma!!! He just lights up the room with his bright smile and outgoing personality. Before baby bro showed up he would go to bed with absolutely no problem. When my baby was about a week, hubs went to his sisters sweet sixteen bday party. I stayed home with our kiddos. My son absolutely refused to go to bed. He would literally jump out of his room and and roar and then just run around the house. My husband had to leave the party, come home and discipline him. That was something that had NEVER happened!!! I really think my son wanted to see that he was still important. That if he needed something we would still find a way to drop everything and see about him, weird as it sounds. When number two was born, big boy was potty trained and doing good, he TOTALLY regressed back to diapers. I also grieved the loss of his baby hood, it was hard. Plus he was so rough with the baby I felt like I was always correcting him with regards to his brother, I was so worried it would drive a wedge between them. Those are just a few of the issues, I won't even go into my inability to keep up with house work while nursing and caring for a toddler, my venture into weight loss and exercising, my desire to get back into the swing of things only to find that just getting out of the house was an all out marathon!!LOL So now fast forward 8 months..my big boy and baby boy LOVE each other, like they are already partners in crime:) They play all the time, my little one is crawling all over and my big boy keeps him laughing all the time, it is so cute. My big boy is back in undies and doing really good with the whole potty training thing. My big boy is now three and yes I have seen a huge leap in his development since his bro came on the scene. He can get his own capri sun, he can get all kinds of snacks, independent play was unheard of and now he is pretty content to narrate all kinds of wild adventures with his toys, he can get his own movies and put them in, all kinds of things, and he just loves how independent he is getting. He feels like a big boy and takes pride in that. So it will get better and I think you will love watching your older one mature a bit, in the end it is really neat. I did see some pics of my big boy when he was one, and I was really sappy and tearing up, but I am still really proud of how he is growing. So try not to worry, having two growing up together will be so wonderful for them, this is just a trying and transitional time. We still have our moments, the laundry continues to wage war against the family, but all in all it has been so worth it and I just absolutely love having a baby in the house and falling in love all over again. Hang in there mama, and congratulations!!!

I have sooooo been in your shoes. Honey the best thing you could ever give a child is a sibling. You are coming off pregnant hormones. Give it a little time and soon you will realize what a gift you have given him. He is going to learn so many important lessons like how to share, be kind, gentle.....and many more to numerous to type. I went on to have six kids in all and each child has taught the older children something different. My children know that their brothers and sisters are a gift no money could ever buy and they are thankful for each other.

Hi A.,

My kids are now 5 and 6 and 20 months apart (January and August birthdays). The biggest joys of my life!

The only thing I can tell you is that it gets better. Be sure to give your little guy lots of attention when the baby is sleeping, and that will help ease your feelings of guilt. At the baby's tiny age they do require lots of care, but also sleep quite a lot, so it's a great way to help the older child adjust (relatively slowly) to not have your undivided attention.

I always tried to involve my daughter in helping care for her little brother and made her feel important in all the ways that she was a big girl. We kept the baby close while we colored and played, and I got a sling and took them to the park. My daughter soon understood that I had time for both of them, but that she had to sometimes wait her turn. This is a good lesson for them! One of the best things I was able to do is get the baby and my older child on the same nap schedule, so I could have a much needed break.

Your are still being flooded with hormones, soon to be replaced with exhaustion and sleep deprivation. Remember to take good care of yourself so you have enough to give to both. We do the bast we can with the information and energy we have.

You'll figure out the schedule and how it all fits together. It will be ok!

I could have written this post just over a year ago when I had my daughter. My son was 23 months old at the time. I started feeling guilty as soon as I got pregnant again, like I was betraying my son. People looked at me like I was crazy when I told them I felt this way. My son is very attached to me and he has had a very hard time transitioning to having a sibling. Like your son, mine acts out when he isn't getting all of the attention and now that my daughter is over one and doing things like sitting in the chair he wants to sit in, he pushes her and is mean to her sometimes. Then I go from feeling guilty about him not getting as much attention to feeling protective over my daughter and very angry and my son for picking on her. It is really tough.

I will say that it does get better. When my son spontaneously said last weekend "I love baby. She's my friend," it just melted my heart. Watching him offer her little bites of his food or hug her or play with her makes me see it is all worth it. Some of the lessons he is learning about sharing me, his toys, and everything are tough for him to go through but I try to remember that I will be watching him go through tough life lessons for the rest of my life and most will make him a better person. It is just a long period of transition for the whole family, including you. Give yourself some time, try not to be too hard on yourself trying to give 100% to both kids, and remember that you gave your son a huge gift in the form of a sister, he just can't appreciate it just yet. Oh and also, some of your emotional reaction to the situation is hormonal, so cut yourself some slack there, too. You will be less tearful about it before too long.

Hi A.,

I can TOTALLY relate to your situation!!!

I had my second daughter, Rylee, on 2/4/10 and my first daughter, Marlee, was 23 months old. Much like your son, Marlee was our universe. It was extremely difficult at first, and I felt like I was always nursing Rylee. Marlee would come over and try to cover me up and say, "Mommy, put that away." Kinda funny now, but I still feel like you do - that aching part of me not wanting my older child to grow up and become so independent, so soon, because I am not able to spend more time playing with her.

I recently stopped nursing Rylee - well, she is almost 8 months now, and started supplementing with formula at 2 months. It killed me, because Marlee was strictly nursed until she turned one year and weaned when she was 14 months - it was just her preference and I was happy to oblige...lol I had to remember that no two kids are alike...and formula babies live long, healthy lives too...

Now, also like you, I feel like Rylee did not get the attention Marlee got at this age. Rylee can fall asleep on her own, and is almost walking on her own...crazy early. I held Marlee ALL the time her first year, and she didn't walk until 14 months. I loved the connection I felt with her - like I could give her all of me.

My mother in law, of all people, put it in perspective for me...

Marlee had mom's love and dad's love. Rylee has mom's love, dad's love, AND her sister's love, nd Marlee is adding her new sister's love. Siblings, no matter how much they pick on each other, have a bond that cannot compare to any other, much like the bond we felt when our first little one's were born. Rylee knows no different - she has three people that love her and isn't mentally comparing and thinking, well, ya know, mom spent more time with Marlee when she was my age...a lot of it is in our head in trying to keep things fair.

As far as your son's behavior, it may take a while. Marlee and Rylee play and laugh together all the time, but Marlee still has her melt downs...she is two and a half after all. Not all of his behavior is from his sister; it is partly from his age. I do notice that as Rylee is able to move around more, and actually 'play' more with Marlee, Marlee has calmed down a bit. At first, she was like - what is this thing you brought into my house - she doesn't play with me, so she must not like me. Now, she is realizing that she is still loved as much if not more so, and her sister can do more and more with her.

Hang in there! Stay firm with your son - hitting is also a normal behavior for his age - not acceptable, just normal...lol (Marlee is a kicker). It is much easier for us now, but everyday brings a new scenario to face and deal with.

And yes, the guilty feeling does go away...it drifts back every once in a while, but it is never as hard to deal with as those first few weeks...When things settle down, and schedules fall into place, you will find that amazing bond/connection with BOTH children and husband and your son will come to realize that he still holds that special place in your hearts!!!

All the best,
L.

I have felt the same way since my second child was born. She is two now. For me the feeling has not gone away, but I have gotten used to the guilt. Neither child gets what they could have if I could focus all of my attention on him or her. However, I try to keep in mind the positives of having a sibling to play with, being forced to learn to share, hopefully learning that the world does not revolve around them, etc.

Sounds like a normal reaction! I also have an older son and a younger daughter. Those first months with the baby were hard on my son -- he used to try just about anything to make me put her down -- one of his favorites was unrolling an entire roll of toilet paper into the toilet -- he knew that would make me run before he flushed and clogged the toilet, even if I was feeding the baby. And I still feel that he gets more or our time. It's normal from first child to second child. The first child, you try to do everything exactly right when they are babies -- they have strict nap and feeding schedules and you play with them constantly. The second baby catnaps in the car as you take the first one to where they need to go. The second child will also be more independent from the beginning (playing by themselves for example) and yes, you will feel guilty. But, now,my kids are 8 and almost 6. And both will on occasion tell me that the other is the favorite. However, they are both very close with each other and with us, their parents. My daughter who was more independent at first just lives for hugs and kisses. My son will protect her from anything that bothers her -- he seems grown up for his age sometimes, but he still demands his time and attention. You will see. It gets better -- he adjusts, you adjust -- and the family changes a little bit, but it will turn out wonderfully. Also, within a year or so, you might miss playing with them, but you will like them playing with each other. Don't worry, just go with the flow.

The feelings of guilt will go away once you start thinking more rationally about the situation. Introduction of a sibling is a huge transition for most people in the family. It's a change that's often for the better if it's a healthy family to begin with. Your children will know what you provide them, so be balanced with what you can give attention-wise. It's very common for the first born to get all sorts of attention until a second child comes into the mix and for subsequent children to not get as much attention. Change does not equal bad, it's just different. Don't be so hard on yourself about this one. There's enough things moms need to deal with to contribute to guilty feelings. Having a second child does not need to be one of them. The kids will deal just fine like most sets of siblings in the world.

it will go away!! hang in there!! it can take a few weeks:)

i will never forget dropping off my son at grandmas to go to the hospital to give birth to our daughter. i was hysterical, i couldnt stop crying. everyone thought i was crying because i was scared of delivery, but i was terrified of what was going to happen with my son and our relationship, he was my best buddy and i loved him more than life itself. i cried for almost a whole day, basically until i delivered. yes, it was hard afterward, finding a balance and dealing with my own hormonal emotional mess, and dealing with his jealousy. he was the first grandchild on both sides and it was like the second coming. just a side note, a spoiled toddler is cute, but when they get older its not so cute anymore. anyway, you will find your balance, and so will your son. my own advice is to give him the extra attention whenever you can, the baby really doesnt know the difference right now, and especially since you are nursing you are giving that baby so much wonderful intimate bonding time that she wont miss it if you give your son the extra he needs when she is content. the splitting up of your attention will do them both a lot of good. my 2nd 2 kids are a lot more easy going than my oldest, he also never left my arms as a baby. nothing wrong with that, but he is definitely more needy than both of them. and the best part is that you have given them both a best friend for life, long after you and hubby are gone, and nothing can compare to that. you will see, when you see one of them hug the other, or hear the sound of their giggles together, you will know what its all about. something more immediate... pump and let your son feed your daughter, nothing like it :) enjoy

I went through this, too. It's normal to feel like you are forcing your beloved first child to give up being the center of attention, but i honestly think it's good for all kids to not live in the spotlight. Our first got lots of attention and made me so happy I could cry. I didn't know if I could share my love with a second child, but didn't want to have just one. Our little girl was 21 months, just like your son, when our new little boy came into the world. And to my surprise, I had no trouble sharing the love. And my firstborn learned to share the spotlight. It was hard on her at first, and she has certainly had her moments when she wants to be a baby, presumably because her little brother can get away with things she can't because he isn't old enough yet (go on the potty, for example).

The upside far outweighs any concerns I had early on. Sure, they fight over toys and attention, but they also love each other dearly and play together very well. I love the sound of laughter in our house, and am glad that I don't have to be the playmate to just one. It's healthier to have kids play with kids, although I do play with both of them a lot.

In short, this guilt will pass and and when the clouds part, you'll find yourself smiling at your beautiful children.

Yes!! It'll get better!! I can't even believe I'm going to admit this, but I remember not even really liking my second one that much b/c she was taking me away from my first. Talk about guilt!! It took a few months for me to get over that. I can also vividly remembering trying to play Candy Land with my 2 year old while the baby slept, and falling asleep on the floor every time. My 2 year old would shake me awake. More guilt! My girls are 9 and 7 now - our whole family is close and I love them equally, but what I marvel at every day is how close they are to each other. Sure they fight like any sibllings, but they are truly best friends. And THAT, is a joy to watch. Enjoy yours too :)

Just wanted to encourage you and let you know I had very similar feelings when my second was born. Felt like I was pushing away my first who had been my buddy by my side up until then and also felt I wasn't giving #2 nearly the amount of attention I wanted to. You'll get into a new groove and find new ways to interact with BOTH your little ones. Hang in there!