He cheated..now What?? Can We Really Move Forward Together??

Ruby,

I am so sorry that you are going through this nightmare! Does this seem like the first time he has been sneaky? Or has there been a pattern of him not being honest? I guess a big question is this a reflection of poor character or just a really bad mistake by a basically good guy? Please go to counseling as a couple and then see someone separately for individual so you have someone to help you sort out all this! Blessings!

Ruby, we are almost 6 years past finding out that my husband had cheated on me. His was much worse - it was physical and started while we were engaged and continued past our 3rd anniversary, through the pregnancies and births of our two younger boys (we each already had a child from before marriage). Mostly one woman but others here and there as well. At the time my little boys were an infant and 2, and our older kids were both 8. At the time, we had two mortgages because our old house hadn't been sold yet. It wasn't easy, but financially it was impossible for us to split at the time and even if it had been possible, I wasn't ready to walk away from our marriage. Not yet, not without a fight.

Since then, I went to individual therapy for about a year just to have a safe place to vent. He has seen a handful of individual therapists (not just for this, he has had a mood disorder for many years) and we have seen maybe 5 couples counselors and a family therapist. I read a lot of books. Distracted myself with hobbies and volunteer commitments. Took up running, biking and swimming. It all helped. We are better - not the same, not perfect, not sunshine and roses and rainbows every day but we're solid.

This will change your marriage forever but it can make it stronger in the end. You have learned that your husband is vulnerable and has weakness in him. We all do - that's what makes us human. His imperfection has been laid bare before you. Now he has to gain back not only your trust but your respect and his own dignity. You will figure out through this where your lines are. What you can accept and what you can't. What you can forgive and what you can't. You will know yourself better because you are being tested. No matter what you do, stay or separate, it will be hard. So you will learn how strong you are (and that may be much stronger than you think). It's hard work but it can be done.

So when does it get better? There are lots of books and websites out there that outline the steps and time line (After the Affair is particularly helpful). For me, the crying stopped in about a week (like you, I told only a couple of close friends - to this day my family doesn't know anything). We went out on a date and tried to re-connect physically after about a month but that was kind of traumatic. It was about a year before things went back to normal in the bedroom. It was probably another year before I stopped having a visceral reaction to cheating (movies, TV shows, songs would literally make me get a sick feeling in my stomach). Now I can watch The Good Wife without wanting to cry. Probably another year before I considered really forgiving him. I still haven't said the words "I forgive you" but in my heart, it really doesn't upset me anymore. It happened, and it's over. I haven't checked his phone or e-mail in a long time. At one point my husband said "honestly if I had any idea how much this would have wrecked you and our marriage and how long it would take to move forward I wouldn't have cheated because it so wasn't worth it. I really thought that when I got caught you would just get over it. I really didn't think you'd care that much."

I read a stat years ago that in the aftermath of an affair, about 1/3 of couples split immediately, 1/3 stay together for 3-5 years and another 1/3 stay together longer than that. So yes, plenty of couples stay together. You will feel better. You will immerse yourself in the functions of day to day living. Bring the kids to school. Cry. Do some laundry. Sniffle. Vacuum. Read about affairs on the web. Pick the kids up from school. Slap on your happy face and stifle your emotions for the rest of the day. Put the kids to bed. Cry in the shower and then got to bed and not sleep well. Hate your husband. Hate HER. Plot revenge. Cry some more. Lather, rinse repeat. Then one day you'll forget to cry. Or you'll unplug from the internet and go for a run instead. Or be so busy running errands you don't obsess about it all day. Your husband will do something funny and you'll laugh because you forgot for a second that you're so angry. Or you'll wake up after actually sleeping all night. You just move forward - before you know it, you'll be busy with Halloween costumes and Thanksgiving plans and holiday shopping. Life goes on and you will too.

before I start let me say that he needs to get over any feelings he has about you snooping and all his emails and texts and social media now need to be open for you to examine when ever you feel the need. He gave up his right to privacy when he betrayed your trust. Don't give your snooping a second thought.

Now I will tell you my story. A few years ago my husband had an affair with a co-worker. Not just texting, but sex that went on for several weeks until her husband found out and called me. I was crushed, hurt, and full of rage. I called him when I found out and told him I wanted a divorce. I filled out the paper work and packed my bags and my kids bags and was ready to walk out the door. Then someone told me I might want to wait just a while to decide rather then making the choice when I was still so angry and hurt, so I decided to wait 6 months. During that time we went to counseling weekly, both individually and couples sessions. It was a lot of work and at times it was emotionally exhausting. After the 6 months had come and gone I found my anger was less, but I still did not love him. I was afraid that he had simply hurt me too deeply and that my love for him could not recover. My therapist suggested that if I was not yet ready to leave, to simply fake it for a while and see if my emotions caught up. They did. It was almost a year after I got that phone call before I could say for sure I was not going to divorce him, but I got there. It took a lot of hard work on both of our parts, but our relationship today is stronger then it was before. We understand each other better, and ourselves, and we understand how to communicate with each other is a way we never did before.
I still have moments when I remember, when I feel a pang of sadness over what we lost, when I feel a hint of that rage, and when that happens I let myself feel it and then I move on, move forward once again, and as the years move on I find those thoughts come less and less, and with less emotion behind them.

I think if he owns up to it and is remorseful and realizes he did WRONG then you will be able to stay together. It's when they take no ownership and disregards your feelings on how it affected you that makes it harder.

If it was not sexual he probably didn't think much of it, but she did and that hurts.

I have just got a divorce based on many issues that he didn't want to work on so if you can avoid it do. It is by far the most excruciating thing I have been through. Nothing tears you apart more and will effect your kids forever.

Now, if he doesn't want to work on it and it becomes a continuous pattern then that is another issue.

Give yourself some time then start healing. The hurt will fade over time.

He has no business feeling betrayed. If you hadn't followed your instincts and checked the phone, which you did have every right to do as his wife, he would still be cheating. It's only snooping if the phone belongs to someone who doesn't live in your house.

He feels "betrayed" because he got caught. What he's doing is trying to place blame on you.

"I'm not the only one doing anything wrong! I was cheating but YOU SNOOPED ON MY PHONE IN ORDER TO CATCH ME! If you hadn't SNOOPED YOU BIG MISTRUSTFUL SNOOPER you wouldn't have caught me! It's all your fault!"

Not only that but after you caught him the first time, he intentionally downloaded an app in order to HIDE THE TEXTS PROVING HE WAS STILL CHEATING! So how in the world is that your fault? You FORCED him to hide it? He locked his phone tipping you off that there was something else to hide. He's clearly not very good at cheating.

And I'm sorry, but so what if your household has been stressful? So has mine regarding finances since my husband lost his job in March and I've been a SAHM until this past week. Neither of us has ever cheated.

"But girl, I've been SO STRESSED OUT! I just needed to relieve some stress! She's so understanding and kind and it's so nice to be around her I have so much in common with her!" Do you see the insinuation there? You're none of those things therefore you drove him to it. Sorry, but that's not how it works.

Sorry, I'm really ticked off for you. I do think you can get past it and heal your marriage, but I do think it's going to take a lot of mutual work. I think it's going to take a really good marriage counselor. I think that ought to be a requirement of your willingness to consider staying together, and if he says he won't go, you should still go on your own. But it will say a lot about him and how he feels if he doesn't make an effort.

You're right. You need some counseling for this one - an impartial person who has wisdom about this sort of thing. You don't trust your husband - and he doesn't think a lot of you either. Before you start anything legal, talk to a counselor. Hopefully, your husband will be willing to go with you. If he isn't, go by yourself.

Marriages take a whole lot of work, no matter what. "Happily ever after" doesn't mean the work's done - only that it's just beginning.

It can be done, but both of you really have to want it.

There is no quick fix, you have to work through the emotions and he has to give you the time and understanding to do it.

Remember, we are all human. That means we make mistakes, we screw up and sometimes we just don't think before we act.

He cheated because he felt really low about himself. That's not an excuse, that's the reality. So the next question is what can be done to fix that? Not necessarily what can you do to fix it, but what does he feel will help fix those feeling?

You two need to really talk to each other, and you really need to hear what the other is saying. I have been there, only mine had two children with the woman, two children that I have been raising and claim as mine. I know it can be done, and i know it won't be easy, but if your husband is an over all decent guy and dad then there is hope.

You need to go to this site and read their healing library and then check out the various boards on there. You will find helpful information on how long it could take to heal from this. Thei second link is for their healing library.
http://survivinginfidelity.com/welcome.asp
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp

O honey he's feels betrayed because you snooped? You have 3 kids and YOU don't want to wreck their lives? This is not your fault. Any person that cheats does not deserve another chance. We don't lie and cheat to our spouse. I know it's easier said then done but me personally, I know I would not be able to forgive and forget. He should have thought of you and his children before doing childish things. I'm very sorry you have to go through this. No one should have to feel betrayed in that way especially by the person you sleep with every night right? Don't waste your time and show your 3 children to respect themselves and to demand respect when they get married. GOOD LUCK TO YOU. I truly mean it.

Everyone is different and you can certainly get past it if you want to...a lot of people have.

I do focus on your conclusion when I read this. Comments like HE CHEATED, I want to hope that it can work out, I believe he has been honest, did not have any sex, he has been so honest, makes me feel worse, I shut him out, but I do not excuse what he did.

Ruby, take a look at your words. You still have very mixed feelings and can't move forward until you sort your own feelings. He cheated and he lied. This is about him and has nothing to do with your mistakes. You can search a lifetime and you will never know why he did this, only he knows. He admitted he was attracted to her, where does this say this is your fault.

Here is the thing about marriage. We are all adults when we get married (most often). We are all at our own free will. We are human, we have feelings and emotions. We are all in control of ourselves. He made this decision on his own and in no way should you feel this was your fault, yet I hear it in your post.

So he did it and now it is up to him to prove himself to have made a stupid mistake or be an idiot and do it again, because he can.

I suggest you go to your counseling and give yourself the time to sort things out. In the mean time, it is up to him to work on himself to try to be a better husband. He has to do that and without coaxing or control from you.

I am sorry you are going through this...best wishes.

I don't know how old your kids are, but I would try to work it out with some counseling through a family and marriage therapist.

Lots of men cheat, and it doesn't mean it can't be fixed as long as he is motivated to make the marriage work.

If you didn't have kids that would be one thing, but divorce or separation is really hard on the whole family and I wouldn't put everyone through that if you can work it out.

I agree that if you want it to work it will take tons of counseling and you will have to learn to look at him the same way again. I for one am not as forgiving. The fact that he pointed out that it would have turned sexual if you didn't find out is a huge red flag and that alone would have been the answer for me. What was his face like when he asked if you were going to divorce him? I think that would also tell you whether he truly loved you or was just scared of the turmoil of a divorce. If my husband ever strayed or made that connection with someone else I dont know if I could because all I would see behind his eyes is what happened. I have told him that if he falls out of love with me to be upfront and honest because that does happen, but to tell me before he finds someone else or acts in anyway towards that person. I can't imagine all the feelings going through you right now. I hope that you are a forgiving person if you want this to work, and it does. But don't stay with him for the sake of the children if you cant work past it. Things will just be akward and strained and your children will feel it.

You'll get through-you can do it