Help - 4 YO Has near Constant Tantrums!

First of all, cut out the warnings. Tell her one time that from now on, every time she tantrums she's going to her room. Then, when she tantrums, don't say anything, no warnings, nothing, simply put her in her room.

It's probably a phase she's trying out.

To add to the consistence theme, if you don't give in, when she's a little older and acts up, you can ask her "do you get what you're asking for when you act like this, or do you get in trouble?" I use this with my son. It makes him think about the fact that HIS behavior is driving what happens. I also tell him that no one gets what they want all the time, even grown-ups, and that if it's doable and makes sense, I can often do what he's asking. But NOT when he's whining/tantruming. He's a logical thinker so it's easier usually.

Do not engage or give into tantrums. She is testing you and believe it or not, she needs and wants to to set the rules. I promise. Children have so little control.

If you give her a choice only give her 2 choices. no negotiations. If she cannot handle this, then move on along. I know there will be times when you may have to say, I am sorry, your choice is to eat this or go to your room as you did today.

Later it may be that you can say, If you do not want what I prepared, you may have a bowl of non sugar cereal. Heck even I sometimes do not want what I planned, purchased and prepared!

Remind her that you do not give her the things she has a tantrum about. You will give her a minute to decide.

Sometimes I would ask our daughter, Do you need a hug?, you seem upset. Or do you need a quiet moment? You seem frustrated. Many times they are tired, or frustrated, but they have not learned to communicate this to you. But they can and will learn to figure out when they are overwhelmed.

And mom, learn to say, "I do not understand whining."
"I do not understand begging voice." "Please use your words." you will say it a 100 times and then one day she will get it.

I agree with Rosebud. No more discussion, no more chances, no more engagement. She's getting a payoff which is your attention and your reaction. Don't be at your wits' end. Just be matter-of-fact and 100% in charge. You're saying "If you keep it up, then XYZ" - which allows her to keep it up. She did it several times in one day so she absolutely knows how many chances she's going to get and what's expected of her.

She wanted to open the door? Too bad -she had already hidden from you and that used up the time. "Next time don't hide. Get in the car." Then no discussion about anything. Ignore her. If you absolutely have to go somewhere right that second because you have an appointment, go, with no talking and no music and no fun toys for her. If you have some leeway, leave her sitting in the car, buckled in, with you outside. If you're somewhere besides your home/garage, stand where she can see you (so she's not afraid) but do something else (play a game on your phone, make a call or at least pretend to, fix your lipstick, anything that shows you aren't involved with her). Let her be good and bored. She doesn't do what she's supposed to, you're not dealing with her. If she screams, let it continue and don't get angry or appear upset or impatient in any way. You have better things to do that watch or listen to her nonsense - that's your message to her.

She didn't want the dinner? Too bad - in the room if there's a tantrum. (And this worked for you because she came out and ate later.)

I'd consider taking fun things off her breakfast menu. Pop tarts and some cereals are more like dessert so just give her healthy options instead of fun ones. Or, take away her choices until she can behave - "choices are only for big kids who don't scream and have tantrums over food".

I think, if you react sooner to each tantrum, you can limit them or eliminate them pretty quickly. Just be incredibly consistent and allow less leeway. Be sure your husband is using the same exact language as you are so your daughter can't have any question about what's allowed and what's not.

I love Laurie's post! (I frequently love Laurie's posts, btw!)

I will add to the last one she said about whining. Tell her ONE time that you don't understand whining. If she wants to talk to you, she has to talk in her big girl voice. And then ignore every bit of whining. Make it as if she is not talking at all. As soon as she starts using a non-whining voice, "turn on" and answer her THEN. She will learn that whining gets her nowhere.

If I were you, I'd buy a pair of earplugs to put in your ears for when she is screaming in the car. That is ONLY for if you have a deadline and will be late. Otherwise, I'd stop the car in a safe place, get out and shut the door and make her be by herself to do all that crying and screaming. You can read your phone and act like you don't care.

I will tell you that anytime my kid did this, he was in his room in a flash and not allowed out until there was no more tantrum. If we were somewhere else, out and about, I dropped whatever it was, even if I had a cart of groceries, and took him to the car and buckled him in. Even if he was kicking and screaming. And then I told him we weren't going ANYWHERE until he had straightened up. I would stand outside the car until he stopped. Then I'd open the door and say "Are you ready to behave?" If his tantrum was EVER over wanting something, it was a sure fire way to guarantee he wouldn't get it, that's for sure!

Honestly, I was working and there was NO way I'd let a tantrum make me late for work, so I was very business-like with my kid. He learned, given time, that he couldn't get away with any of it. I was tough. Given that she is pushing buttons really hard (that thing with your husband near his eye is REALLY pushing the envelope), I think you should be tougher with her until she gets it. And it might take a while, but absolute consistency and loss of fun, especially if you are at the park, library, store, pool or whatever, should help her learn to start thinking about the consequences of her actions. Good luck!!

I second Laurie's whole post!

I would add one thing: Time outs in her own bedroom aren't a great location. Her room is her personal nest, and is probably full of her favorite stuff. Try time outs in a neutral, boring, toy-free location like the end of a hallway (that was our spot), the bottom step of a set of stairs (but she cannot get up, climb the stairs etc.). The "I'm sending you to your room" time out might just be OK with her, despite initial protests, because you're sending her to where her own toys and books etc. are. That does not let her reflect on what she's done, which is the point of a disciplinary time out. It does give the adults a break but doesn't teach her that certain behaviors are unacceptable AND bring with them the enforced boredom of a time out in a place with nothing fun in it. Check out books by Jo Frost (TV "Supernanny") about time out techniques--she is very good on that, and on consistency in time outs.

Otherwise -- this is pretty typical behavior for four and you do want it gone by five and kindergarten age. Consistency is key, and calmness on your and dad's parts.

I mean this with good intentions but how is her diet? Diet can absolutely effect behavior and some kids are a lot more sensitive to food. I mean this with no offense but if I fed my kids pop tarts for breakfast(which you might as well give 'em a cupcake) they would be terrors. What kind of cereal was it? What are some of the things she normally eats? I would try eliminating sugar and dyes from her diet and see if her behavior improves along with consistent discipline. The idea would be to keep her blood sugar steady to avoid all the highs and crashes. Also is she getting enough sleep? I know with my kids we aim for 11 hours at night or it will be awful. Two of my kids love sleep and my other two act so hyper when they are tired and they fight it.

I never sent my kids to time out in their rooms. That would be like sending them to Disney World for not listening because they had a million things to do and see in their rooms. Nope instead I sat them on the bottom step of the stairs. Nothing to do there except sit because you weren't complying to my requests.

Daughter #2 was just like this. Hard headed and a battle of the wills with everything. I never bought into the battle so its hard to fight by yourself. You are doing a great job with being consistent. She's just at that age where she's trying to figure out what buttons to push. Let her push them all. Just stand your ground being as calm as possible. This situation will get better/worst/better/worst as the years go on.

Although both of my kids have different personalities both of them were their worst age at 4. In fact, I've never met a 4 year old that wasn't a nightmare at least some of the time.

Keep being consistent with consequences and not putting up with her nonsense and it will eventually pass. Make sure to give her attention when she is being a sweetheart. It will enforce the good behavior.

Four is worse than 2, IMO.

But the other part of it is perhaps you need to build on things like emotional maturity. My DD has been a mercurial little girl and we have gotten professional guidance for her to help her go from "this isn't what I want, I will scream and cry" to "this is how I can handle this problem." Something I have not yet bought but was suggested to me is Emotional ABCs. You might also try How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, but that may be better for 5+. What might be a good takeaway from that book is how to teach them what to do *instead*.

My DD learned that screaming = no. So you want to scream? I'm leaving the venue. I'm putting your dinner away. You absolutely do not get a snack/treat.

I also tried to give her warnings and choices. "DD, we are leaving the park in 5 minutes. This means you need to finish up your game." And I carried her out, even if she was crying about it. "DD, do you want curly noodles or straight noodles with your dinner?" "DD, it is cold today. Do you want a purple jacket or the pink one?" And sometimes, I let her be cold. No jacket? Want to be insane? Fine. It'll be a Teachable Moment. I once got a call from my SIL when she had the kids at a park. Bear in mind this is a special education teacher. She said she could not get DD to calm down, so I took DD home. DD learned that we were absolutely serious about this behavior. Her cousin got to go on a carousel and see butterflies, but DD went home to her room.

Hang in there. I know it's not fun.

The book 1,2,3 magic. You are already doing it just be consistent. No reminders no reasoning. Just this is it and then count. You won't get to 2 after the first couple days.

This is developmentally appropriate. It will pass if you are consistent with not giving in.

decline the dance.
not that doing so is easy, mind you.
but if your parameters stay strong and inflexible, your gorge doesn't rise, and you keep your sense of humor, you will weather this insane-O brain-O phase.
oh, and putting her in her room is great because it effectively removes her from your immediate presence and earshot, but may just be too fun for her. i always loved my own room. maybe find a less hospitable siberia where she can decompress.
good luck, mama! this too shall pass!
khairete
S.

Like some of the other posters said she is testing you to see what she can get away with. My daughter was like this at that age. A lot of times I would ignore her and let her have her tantrum which really made her mad. Sometimes I would tell her that she is acting like a baby so I would grab her and tell her I was going to hold her like a baby. That would really make her mad. I think I tortured the tantrums out of her. :) Whatever you do don't give in. Good luck!!

Boy, sounds like you are talking about my DD! Some days she is an angel and some she is super controlling, stubborn and wants things her way. 100% of the time or else. I find I have to constantly rotate the consequences on the bad days to keep her barely under control: time out, taking things away, going to bed early, and me just walking away and saying that although I love her very much, I just can't listen to all that noise. Frankly some times she gets so worked up that nothing short of a pop on the rear followed by some time in her room will bring her behavior to an end.

Most days she is a pleaser though so praise really goes a long way with her. I would suggest if you see your DD doing something good, give her lots of praise and in the event of really good behavior get her a treat, whether it is more books, a special activity, a gift etc.

I think you are on the right track with what you did about dinner. She can eat it or not but you aren't going to listen to all that. It is her choice. One thing that has worked for me is to talk real quiet and try to take the emotion out of it and then throw in a "crazy idea" strategy. For example, if her fit is about wanting 3 cookies instead of the 1 cookie I gave her I get real quiet and say something like only 1 cookie is allowed but if she can yodel for 5 minutes straight she can have 20 cookies and stay up all night. After we discuss what yodeling is and I give a few funny examples she then proceeds to tell me how silly my singing is, that it would be against the rules to stay up past 8:30, 20 cookies will make her sick, and by the way she can't stay up all night anyway because she has school. Fit is over real quick and replaced by laughter. Obviously you can't take time to do this all the time but in the right situation it works and my DD goes from a total brat to laughing her head off at my crazy suggestions and apologizing for her behavior.

Finally, I offer that as mine gets a little closer to 5 I think life is getting a little easier. Her self-control and maturity are better and she remembers what is ok and not ok on her own. If nothing else just keep calm, be consistent, hang in there and soon your DD will be a little older too and it should sort itself out. Sounds like you are doing the right things, might just need a little more time. Good luck!

Stay consistent with your time outs and it WILL get better. She has to learn that screaming will NOT get her what she wants AND will cause her to lose something she wants. But it will only work if you keep doing what you're doing and don't give in.

I have 2 kids, now ages 12 and 15. They have been spanked exactly 2 times. The first time was when they threw themselves down on the floor in a tantrum. I spanked them right then and there and said they better NEVER act like that again! And they didn't. The second time was when they opened the front door and ran down the street. The got spanked when I finally caught them. They didn't do that again either. I don't know what I would do if my kid was acting like that but you may need stiffer consequences then just a time out. Good luck.

There is a reason that our parents spanked us, it works.

You need to put your foot down and decide today is the day that this stops, Mom is in charge and this is how it's going to be. You'll have to start out being very strict and not letting her get away with ANYTHING and then as the behavior improves you can lighten up a little.

Good Luck

M

Time outs and taking toys away have absolutely no impact. So continuing to use those tactics is teaching her she has no consequences for her actions. Because to her they are not consequences.

She's getting on the old side to handle, but "Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson teaches how to nip tantrums. Instantly in 2 year olds, but may take way more consistency in 4 yo.

Also, here's an article about why French kids don't have tantrums but American and English ones do:

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/jan/01/paren...

If this behavior is new, something has changed in her life. Does she get enough sleep? Has her diet changed? Is there someone new to her life/someone left her life?

Most of my kids tantrums were because they needed more sleep. Either they had a disruptive night, missed a nap, or were heading into a growth spurt and needed extra z's

But a mild food allergy can do it. Or missing grammy. Or a lost binky....

Find out what has changed and chances are that's the culprit.

In our house, if you screamed, you were not listened to.

If you carried on in public, you didn't go next time. Even if it was a really fun outing (you stayed home with dad).

Usually - they got the hint after one time watching us all pull out of drive.

Mine are horrible on sugar, over tired, or over taxed (too many activities).

Good luck :)

sleepless in america. a good read that will help explain how not getting enough sleep will cause this behavior. it also gives simple ways to fix it.