Help for My Husband (And Me) Who Was Fired

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Reading your statements, it is clear that your husband defines himself based on work alone. Maybe you can search for a book that speaks to men and relaying to them how life is more than their work and other participation is so worth it. God bless you and your husband to weather this time in your marriage.

He sounds like my BIL... the boss is always inept and unreasonable... problems are always someone else's fault... not meeting expectations isn't a flaw on his part, but a flaw with the system.

Bottom line, your husband promised his boss that his project would be completed by a certain date and at a certain cost and he didn't deliver. If he had been on-time and over-budget or vice versa he may have been okay, but he didn't and they let him go. No matter how amazing the product was, it was late and too expensive so the quality is somewhat irrelevant.

Your husband has an external locus of control, meaning that he feels that things "happen to him" rather then stepping back and realizing that many things happen "because of him". You are enabling his behavior by making excuses and allowing him to continue with this behavior pattern.

If it's not okay with you, force the change in his behavior. If you aren't going to force a change, then it won't get any better. He's depressed and putting all responsibility on you. He checks-out b/c he can (you give him the excuse to do so). He sleeps on the weekends b/c he's depressed and he's "not into" counseling. If you pack his things and tell him that he can either seek-out help or find an apartment, he'll at least make the effort b/c he'll have to.

Good luck with this whole situation. I'm a psychologist and have watched my BIL deal with this behavioral pattern for many years. He's walked away from wonderful jobs, lost jobs, lost friends and lost relationships b/c people simply get tired of the excuses and lack of responsibility.

i sort of went through something similar a few years ago. Hubby did the job as directed but other's were playing political games and he was pushed so far that he knew the firing was coming so he quit first. very bad situation. he has since moved on and is doing well and feeling more or less successful, BUT i still don't think he has shaken the fear and all the other crazy emotions he went through. He never did counceling or really read anything good, it was more he just had to keep going because there wasn't an option.

maybe encourage a hobby or volunteer work that would help keep him busy and not thinking about what happened. still won't solve your main problem but he may Re-engage at home to some level once he heals a bit.

Poor guy. I can't imagine how badly he feels right now; all that hard work, for a product that will probably be profitable for the company, and he was fired. Though this could be a good turning point for him, because it sounds like he identifies himself way too much with work. He needs to balance his life with other things--focusing on home and family, getting some hobbies, and trying to be a happier person despite how work may be going for him.

There is one book that I really like, called "Learned Optimism" by Martin Seligman. It talks about how there are many people who are pessimistic by nature. It sounds like he fits into this category; he tries really hard at something, but if it doesn't work out he falls apart and becomes depressed. The book has techniques on how to learn to become more optimistic, and how to pinpoint your thought processes when you are being pessimistic.

Another good book that I like is called "What Should I Do with My Life?" by Po Bronson. It has a lot of stories about people who have found different career paths, and really helps put things in perspective.

However, he sounds depressed and should see a doctor and a therapist. You said that he's followed this pattern of depression since you got married, and being a workaholic is a symptom of depression. I know he doesn't want to get help, but you need to tell him that he needs to do something about his depression, because it isn't fair to either of you for him to be so depressed all the time. Good luck, and I hope things get better for both of you soon.

Try reading 'The 10 Things To Do When Your Life Falls Apart' by Daphne Rose Kingman.

But if this is a pattern with him he may have a problem with depression. The naps and just laying on the couch are indicators of depression. The best thing for him is get him up and moving. Since he is so work focused have you tried to get him to do projects at home. Not regular housework or yardwork but real projects like re-vamping your landscaping or putting in a water feature in your yard. If he is able to work hard he may be able to work out all of the stress induced adrenaline and feel less tired.

Sounds like they used him for his talents and made an excuse to cut the cord. I would contact Labor Law Compliance in your are to see if they can do anything to get his job back or at least get him compensation for lost wages. I had to do that with a company I worked for last year...and won.

Depression stinks...the more you give in to it the more useless you actually become. The only way to get out of it is to change the way you think about things. Yes he got a raw deal, but maybe it was in order for him to get something better...maybe branch out on his own. (Still check with Labor Law).

* Mindy, I know society deems depression as a medical condition, but it's not. It's a mental condition that causes medical conditions. Books can help change your mind-set and get you out of the negative thought patterns that lead to depression. "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer is an excellent book when facing depression...as is my personal favorite..The Bible.

8-9 months? What is the longest time your husband has been employed? Is he a job hopper? Sounds like a pattern going on with him. Maybe it's time to show a little tough love!

Blessings....

Maybe a lawsuit would do him more good than a self help book. I am half kidding, really. That's odd that they could fire him based on a product being a month late. How over budget was it? Did he have a contract saying it has to be done exactly on such and such a date and at a specified cost? Didn't he have to have regular meetings with the boss or a review board to discuss cost and schedule? We always have senior management reviews regularly and if schedule or budget is at risk, we come up with risk mitigation plan and strategy.
As for the being too tired to help at home. I don't know what it is, but men seems to just crash when they get home. My husband does a similar thing. We'd get the same amount of sleep, but when he gets home he's completely burned out. If anything, my work is way busier than his. When I get home, I have to do all the things to get ready for the next day, get the kids ready for bed, etc. I eventually snapped and yelled at him. It worked some, he started to help out more and complained less. Gentle hints didn't seem to help as much as finally snapping at him. Maybe the advice on how to handle a toddler in a tantrum works on husbands too. Get in their face, match their emotional state and bring them back to normalcy.
Good luck.

Oh have I been in your shoes!! I am sending you a HUGE hug!!

Go out an splurge on a huge Starbucks or Ice cream or something. That's my trick when I get in to the 'when is it' mode...

Ex. hubby and son just got their ATVs fixed using my OT $$$$ and tax refund. Then they spent $200 going on a weekend trip in April. I love to go to the beach, but can't because we don't have extra $. Hubby is now trying to plan his next riding trip and figure out where/how to get the $200. I'm like, hello, when do I get a fun trip??

Sounds like your hubby might have some manic tendicies. Very typical in the programming field (i'm a programmer :-) ) The key is the work. He needs to work. Whether its helping out your local pool with a new website, or helping the church organize stuff on the computer, its all about the work.

As for the unemployment. I too was laid off at the same time my husband was laid off. Your husband does have a job to do. When he is not working on his consulting work, he needs to be out there drumming up consulting work or looking for permanent work. I put my hubby on a M/W/F schedule. On M/W/F he needed to go online and look for work, fill out applications, etc. On Tu/Th and weekends he had a list of stuff to do around the house.

When we were searching we used www.indeed.com. It compiles multiple job listings into one site.

Hugs
M.

Well, unless the company has a pattern of keeping management level employees who deliver projects late and over budget without prior approval, hubby needs to accept responsibility and realize that his management skills cost him the job. If he suffers from depression and you can't get him to go for treatment, then he won't get better and your choices are to live with him this way or not live with him at all. Depression is a medical condition and a book does not treat medical conditions. IF he has always lived for work, perhaps it is time for him to start cultivating other interests as well.

The fact is your husband did not meet the deadline. It wasn't the CEO it was your husband. He lost the job not the CEO or you. He did. This isn't going to change until he changes and from the looks of it he isn't going to change. You have to decide how far to push this. You can decide how you want to respond to this. If you want him to change, then require him to seek counseling. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you are tired of carrying this burden alone and that he needs to take ownership of it.