Midlife Crisis or Just Depressed?

It sounds to me like "mid-winter" crisis. Get a blood test-you're probably very low on Vitamin D. Take care!

wyoming is 30 below..on a warm day, a sunroof in the kitchen means it will leak all over the kitchen table, a home out in the middle of nowhere means the compute from hell..the grass is not always as green on the other side of the fence as you might think..its called perspective K. h.

J. I gotta ditto Sally R here, why DON'T you send your kids to school? I realize that's not an option in some places (bad/dangerous neighborhoods) or for some kids (special needs) but I don't think that's the case with you and your family. I get the feeling that you are trying to do it all and be the supermom. Talk about a RECIPE for feelings of inadequacy and depression!!!
Send your kids to school!
Give yourself a break, and give your kids a break from each other, and you.
You will meet people. People who love their children but also have other interests.
You will have TIME during the day, both mentally and physically, time to read, write, sew, build airplane engines, WHATEVER.
It's not natural to be "mom" 24/7. Up until about 50 to 75 years ago kids were fairly on their own, because moms were busy cleaning, cooking and running the home. Today's domestic technology frees us from that drudgery but it also gives us less purpose, and too much time to fret and focus on our kids (who in turn suffer from our constant interaction and supervision.)
Okay, off my soapbox!
Seriously, think about another track, the school track, before you write yourself off. It's not perfect, but it's not awful either, and it HAS to provide a better life balance than what you're getting now.

I really agree with the posts below. It DOES sound like you are ready for a change. Sure, you can call it a mid-life crisis, but I think it's just restlessness.

Looking at where you live, let's face it... the weather sucks (sorry for language) in Chicago right now. Snow, grey days, stuck inside... who wouldn't want a change right now?! :)

I admire your resolve to keep depression at bay. I admire that you know what you want, yet you know what your priorities are and are firmly committed to them.

So how can you find your 'escape'? Start with a conversation with your husband. What if the reality of your huge house and awesome lawn mower (a ride-on with a cup holder, I hope) could be within x-amount of time, like one year from now? Could that help you see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel?

What about a vacation? You work so hard with your family, schooling, husband, life, etc. Maybe a break is what you need to charge your batteries.

Whatever it may be, keep us in the loop. I know I speak for many people on this forum when I say that we care!

I know you're entrenched in homeschooling, but have you thought about sending your kids to school? This would give you a break and allow you to go get some fresh air outside or do a few things that make you happy.

Maybe it's neither, maybe you're just ready for a change. Things usually run their course, and then we need something new.

What's wrong with moving somewhere else, if your family can make it happen? If that's something you want, and it's possible, then do it. You don't need to label that "depression" or "mid-life crisis." Maybe you're just ready for something new.

You wrote:

"But, at the end of the day, clinical depression runs in my family. The black clouds are ever present (especially in the dark months). And hubby calls me grumpy boots. But I choose JOY. Depression is a thought process. I have lots of elaborate mechanism to handle it (diet, exercise, sleep). And in my current life, being "depressed" isn't an option."

I just want to address the above (and of course you know this, with your history) but for most, depression is NOT a choice. It is a physical condition. I just want to put it out there for people who are suffering, but might interpret your "so what happened" statement as a suggestion to "just snap out of it!" You have obviously put in the work to learn how to keep your depression at bey. But for people without that experience, it is important to get help!

J. G, I hope that you get the change you need! (I also find change exciting!)

You need to stop trying to define yourself by possessions, by things external to you that people see! It does not work and it leaves you miserable. After all there is no such thing as a house that says J.! There is no such thing as an area that screams J.. Your decisions do not define you either like homeschooling your kids.

You are who you are and I would suggest actually figuring out who that is instead of trying to find things that show it. After all if you do not know who J. is you could buy a home that you think is J. and then you get in there and think, this isn't me....and never be happy.

To me it sounds more like you are just ready for a change.

You are realizing what makes you happy. Ready for the next chapter.

The next part is to speak with your husband and hear what he has to say and what his needs are and then compromise and start a plan.

I do recall when our daughter became more independent, and had her own friends and school activities, I felt that all of a sudden I had a bit of freedom. I was able to pursue some things I had put aside.

Depression makes me feel like I cannot think of what I want to do. I cannot make myself become motivated to even consider changing anything.. Yours sounds like the opposite.

Go for it..

hm. neither? dreamer?
i don't know. you would know if you are depressed. depressed feels like you don't want to get up in the morning, and just wish you could sleep the day away. no energy or will to do a dam thing.
midlife crisis? ha. that's old wive's tale…i hope.
but i relate to you…a bit. i have dreams. a lot of them won't come true, but many of them i have made them come true. why not look for a job for real somewhere else?
we left NY a year ago. my god, i love the south. i love things being slower. the weather. pleasant people. now, i'm not buy a house in the middle of nowhere kind of girls because i'd have to deal with snakes, bugs, and god knows what else. but i love the green. i love trees, and fields filled with nothing as we drive around. we wish to never move anywhere else.

I'm not intending to downplay your feelings when I say that this sounds like February in the Midwest. I LIKE winter and this time of year can be extra work to keep from slipping into these thoughts. Still, I'm one that believes we can design our life to be what we can envision. We can do it by first deciding what are the most important thing we want, and then making small, daily changes that lead us in that direction. To me, depression is the feeling of having no options, no way to change the life we are leading right now. But, we always have the power to make change, no matter how small (or big), to move towards the life we want.

Do you talk about your dreams with your husband? Can the two of you enjoy the vision together first, and then come up with short and longer range plans to move closer to the life you want?

(BTW - I know logically the suburbs have advantages, like the great schools my kids attended, but I find them "soul-sucking" and I now live the life I envisioned in the city.)

I have a history of depression and medication and plenty of struggles now, including not being where I want to be and not doing what I want to do. And I homeschool. But you know what all that is? Financial. Couldn't everyone be in the perfect home with all the time in the world with enough money to pay people to do their work while their kids were at the best schools on the planet? But you know what financial is? External. I changed my outlook on that and now I am much freer to make changes even with way more constraints and limitations than I've ever had. Yes you need a bigger house. Noted. But people who have dinky houses can be happy, so if you want to address the depression factor you have to acknowledge its not really about the house.

In my early 20's, my depression hit an all-time high. I even got severe adult acne and other stess/health issues from it. Largely because (I thought) I lived in Los Angeles. And I had horrible relationships or I was single the whole time. And I struggled in horrible jobs with very little money-actually way below poverty level. I painstakingly saved up $600 for a beat up car that always broke down so I could get off the dangerous busses. Soon after, my car was booted and I couldn't pay the tickets (that I would get when I couldn't run out of my job during meetings to feed meter), so I lost it. then back to the gang member-infested buses to save for another car...I HATE driving. I HATE the sun. I HATE season-less places. I HATE newish ugly architecture and mini-malls. I hate smog. I hated struggling to pay my rent in an ugly little apartment in Hollywood with crack smoke wafting through the windows from the alley. You see where I'm going? Horrible. Those were legitimate complaints. But you know what? Those were all external factors, and now when I go to LA, I take it for what it is and maintain my own happiness. I worked through those struggles, I got myself to NY (also struggled there in tiny rat-hole places for several years before my income picked up), I conquered depression, and I have those dark early years largely to thank for my resilience.

Now fast-forward 20 years and I'm living somewhere I never wanted to live and I'm just out of an extremely painful divorce and separation. Lots of cheating and betrayal done to me. I left my beloved job in my beloved NYC to live on one income more cheaply to pay out-of-pocket for 3 child-births. We then had some unforeseen, MAJOR, financial chaos and our plans to save and move back "to civilization" were disrupted and now we have split. I have 100% custody of my kids and ZERO time to myself. I homeschool and live on a tight budget. I too wanted to always travel and be creative. I'm a painter and I never get to paint these days. I've always wanted to get out of tiny apartments and live in a funky and character-ful old house, and now I do. But I see the cost of heating and challenge to keep it repaired and I realize, meh, it's not so important exactly what type of house one has. I could be happy in various living situations.

Am I happy? HAPPIER THAN I'VE eve EVER BEEN. Why? Because I know how lucky I am. I am healthy. I have my amazing kids. I can achieve my dreams with patience and action. And I DON'T WORK!!!!!! Can you even comprehend how luxurious and coveted that is? Yes, I may have to very soon, and yes I'm on a TIGHT budget, and yes I work hard as hell doing EVERYTHING to keep our household afloat, but I DON'T spend 40+ hours of my life working for someone else right now after 17 years of doing so and I thank God for that EVERY SINGLE day. I have financial (not emotional that's for sure) support from my ex, and as far as I am concerned, as long as that's the case I have NO GROUNDS to complain. About anything. Ever Again. The kids are excelling in academics, music lessons and martial arts. We live in a safe neighborhood near nice people.

Know what I'm doing right now? Gradually cleaning out the house to prepare to sublet it in the fall. Selling selling selling stuff on ebay. In Sept the kids and I are subletting a TINY apartment in France so they can go to French school (free, public) for a year and become bilingual. We're going to camp altogether in one bedroom! I cannot WAIT to be unbound from my countless hours of housework and yard maintenance and cost of private lessons. I will write all day while they are in school. I have a project I've been dying to get to for years. All I need is a chair and a desk. We'll be on our exact same tight budget as now, but I won't be spending my days homeschooling. Know what I'm doing after that? Coming back here and going back to work. Maybe. We'll see what life brings. Someday I'll get to paint.

I know you don't mean to sound ungrateful in your post, but you have a very long list of "things you want" and external environmental factors keeping you unhappy, like McMansions and middle class America etc. I get it. I've had that attitude before (for 6 years in LA). But none of that matters. Be thankful for what you HAVE, and strive to move in the directions you want to move into. Who gets to sit in an ivory tower with books? Trophy wives with nannies or rich women with no kids. Yay for them. But if that's what you want for yourself, make some money and simplify accordingly to move you closer to your goal of a big house in the country where you can mow the lawn all day. MOST PEOPLE do not ever have that kind of luxury, so you shouldn't allow yourself to be depressed that you don't have it yet. Put your creative energy into making a plan to get it. And don't hate on the present so hard in the meantime.

And ditch leading the homeschool network. Teach your own kids and focus on enjoying your blessings. Stick to your good routine and take positive action. I know in the end you can always resort to the fact that depression runs in your family. Ok. But lots of people have that challenge too. You can be happy if you are truly grateful. Look at the list of sadness-provoking stuff you have: It's all material. Sunroom kitchen with view?? Everyone loves beautiful homes, but very few people statistically have them. That's OK for a goal. Make a plan. And sounds like you have your husband talking about moving to the middle of nowhere. Things are not hopeless.

If you keep that "Things I need externally are what I need to feel happy" mentality though, even concerning your creative endeavors to an extent. You will NEVER be happy. Because you'll have a great house and everything you ever wanted, but there will be new things you don't have that you want. There are ooooodles of depressed rich people in gorgeous houses with idle time to be creative. Doing drugs and choking on their own vomit.

It's VERY true when they say it's not about having what you want, it's about wanting what you have.

It sounds like you are overwhelmed ,overworked , lack of sleep…maybe ? and yucky weather outside ….Hang in the spring is coming !!!!!!And we r in the middle of nowhere with pretty views outside , i feel longly most of the time as we are so far from everybody else . We put kids in school after 3 years of homeschooling ……it took some stress off me . Sorry I am not any help . hope it gets better for u :)

It sounds like you've got a pretty good handle on things.
It may or may not even be a midlife crisis but just time for a change.
If you can sit down & outline what that change would be, discuss it with
your hubby & make it happen? Why not?
Just try to think of everything (selling the house, getting jobs in the new
area, changing the kids' schools etc.), put it down on paper, discuss it
then work towards making it happen.
If you're both on board & have realistic goals, there's no reason why you
can't do it.
The main thing is money & jobs.
So be smart, be realisitc, have a plan & try to exact it.
Best of luck. Hope one you day you get to look out your kitchen windows
to green fields or pastures! :)

Maybe get a job? Being a SAHM is not for everyone.

:)

you sound overwhelmed, babe.
you've been in a whirlwind for the last few months, judging on your posts. i think you just need some time to take a deep breath and re-center.
absolutely pass the running of the homeschool group onto someone new. it'll be good for you AND the group. that's a huge responsibility and needs to be shared. (that being said, most of the people i know who are organized and energetic and creative enough to start one are also controlling enough to have a hard time giving it up. that's not a pejorative judgment, just an observation. since i'm none of the above, i actually appreciate people who are!)
i wish you could have got your wyoming ranch too. it sounded pretty dang perfect.
the last house you were talking about sounded kind of mcmansion-y. no?
i hate my husband's commute too. it's brutal. it's a choice we made to move where we wanted to live, but he pays a high, high price for it. there are rarely perfect solutions. i do everything i can to make this the perfect haven for him so when he makes it home after his long drive, it's welcoming and wraps its arms around him just like i do.
remember that the big bonus check from the universe when you successfully raise and homeschool your kids is that you WILL have time to mow, and read, and write, and garden. i'm there. it's pretty awesome. empty-nesting is sad in some ways and glorious in others. but you have to hang in there.
i do think you're exhausted. i hope you can get a little clear mental space to regroup, and figure out how best to arrange the next few years so that you and your family can learn and grow together, and so that you can work your way back into your ivory tower (for me it's an enchanted bower<G>.)
good luck, hon!
khairete
S.

This is meant kindly:

Take a battery test for depression. If you don't qualify, great. Start to look at your life and see which changes you can make more immediately and which ones might take a while.

You might consider letting your homeschool group know that it's time for new leadership. Tell them that there is an opportunity for someone new to step up and lead the group. I'm going to say this from experience: groups are hard. My husband and I led a poetry group for years, one that he was reticent to leave or close. Eventually, he realized that if the group couldn't function without us, that would be okay. We were doing/organizing 100% of the events, which people always appreciated, but we were done. (I was more than done, I was well-done going on burnt.) It's healthy to let go of things that can't exist without us. So, you could continue to homeschool just your own through the remaining school year and then re-evaluate come summer.

I'd also just encourage you to enjoy what you have. I would love a sunroom too... but I have a south-facing picture window in the kitchen nook and that is enough. (It's actually too bright for the laptop part of the day.) I am savoring that I don't have a job I have to be at every day. Please, ENJOY that part of life, being the boss of your own time. You have a liberty so many do not enjoy- try to make the most of it.

So, make the small changes you can, and if you are still feeling at ends about things, maybe talk to someone or again, check and see if you are depressed. Remember, depression just isn't about attitude... it is about brain chemistry. I know you are vehemently opposed to psychology and medication, but if you find that the small fixes aren't enough, do look further for help. A happy mom means happy kids, as they say.

change is good! Someone commented that in our life things just tend to run their course and then it's time to do something different. I'm a rural girl who moved to the suburbs at age 23. I've had three kids here and the suburbs have been a good place to raise young children. Now we're ready for a change and I want what sounds a lot like what you want--natural land, more natural living. Less structured "activity" that amounts to very little of lasting value, ya know? So we're moving back to CT, to find some land and live a different kind of life, because for us, it is time. My husband's job is moving with us, so that's a huge factor that is not an issue.
Anyway, it is good to make plans for change, no matter what--indulge in that. It kept me sane some dreary days, for sure:)

You say you don't like superficial people who tell you to get a manicure, and who live in "mc-mansions" (I assume you are referring to any house that is big - not only mansions). However, you say your house is too small and you want a big house. So, does that also make you superficial?

I promise you that a big house in the country with a sunroof/sunroom (whatever it's called) is not going to make you happy. Happiness is found from within, and can be achieved from having good personal relationships in your life. Do you have good family relationships? Do you have good relationships with your friends? You don't have to have good relationships with both family and friends (although that would be ideal), but you do need to have good relationships with some people, whomever that may be.

Also, I do not think you should be homeschooling your kids. You are not in the right frame of mind, and will only be a downer for them (in my opinion). I think it is in your childrens' best interest to go to school so they can socialize with kids their own age, instead of being at home with their depressed mother all day, every day.

You mentioned you took meds throughout your life - on and off, I believe you said. What about now? Are you currently on meds? If not, you should be.

I do, however, agree with you about change. If you want to drive on new streets, then go for it. I do believe that change is good, and that for some people (myself included), starting a "new chapter" in your life is as essential as it is refreshing. Sometimes people get stuck in a rut and want a "do-over." There are not always do-overs in life, so if you are lucky enough to move and drive on new streets, thank your lucky stars and be very appreciative! Just know that the new streets you drive on don't HAVE to be rural ones in order for you to be happy. But if you truly believe you will be happier driving on rural streets out in the middle of nowhere, then go for it. Just know that you might not be any happier. As long as you have good relationships in your life (especially a good marriage), it shouldn't matter all that much where you live.

Someone I used to be friends with was always miserable!! She complained about everything. Examples: the autumn leaves in Dallas don't change properly, and if she could only live in Colorado, her life would be great b/c the leaves would be so beautiful, for starters. She claimed her boobs were way too small and that she feels like a little girl, and if only she could get a boob job (which, she did, and wasn't any happier). And, (and here's the biggest one) if she was only married to someone else - her husband is not the one for her). She can't stand her husband, and had an affair and considered divorcing him for years, but didn't, mostly b/c of financial reasons. Then she was sooooo depressed, b/c she decided she wanted a 3rd baby. It was either go back to school for a career change, or have a 3rd baby with her husband that she can't stand). She is 8 months pregnant with their 3rd baby now, and I know that she will NOT be any happier with a new baby at 40, sleep deprivation, and everything else that goes along w/ a new baby, and all with a husband she doesn't like. My point in telling you about this person - she always wants more. She wanted a boob job and got one, and wasn't any happier. She wanted a 3rd baby and is about to have it, and I know she will not be happy (I believe she will be even more miserable, b/c now she will have an infant to care for on top of all of her misery).

So, another point I am trying to make - you want a big house in the country. If you end up moving to a big house in the country with your big lawnmower and your sunroom, you will probably focus on wanting something else. I feel like it will always be something else after you get what you want.

Try to find happiness within yourself, and get on the right anti-depression meds for you (as I'm sure you know, there are so many anti-depression meds out there, and it is trial and error with what will work best for you).

Best of luck, and I hope you will be able to rise above your family's history of depression and find happiness within yourself.

I don't think either. I think it's midwinter likely affecting you again and you're really tired and confused what to do. And in a way no wonder as so many possible moves have come up over the past couple of years. Three little kids will drain anybody on top of that. You said once you're a city girl. You like where you Bc you have friends etc. and you're not in a 2 bedroom apt in a city. Your yard at half an acre is more than many or most so I'd think you look out at some trees vs a cement wall. You once said you'd miss the diversity and shopping if you moved to the country. Now that's your nirvana. Try to put off any big decisions till the spring maybe. Get some rest and sun and see how you feel. You've always made it sound like homeschooling is the only way to go but maybe it's not. Except for a few percentage of people all day all kids would get to most people. Teachers get to go home and on our school they have little breaks. You need to be realistic if homeschooling while taking care of a baby is really doable for you. Can you all take a vacation to somewhere warm? You may be lacking enough vitamin d after this winter.

probably a combination of both, with a higher percentage being mid life crisis and the depression not being the kind that lingers and pulls you down
I have had a hard few years and this winter sure is making me want to move NOW, not in 7 yrs when our younger daughter finishes high school, NOW. Today. Immediately.

It sounds to me from what you wrote that you find joy in lots of things and for me depression is more you know there SHOULD BE joy in those things and you may have once had joy but behind the joy is this shadow of sadness, sometimes for no reason at all and you can't explain it. So although you may have this as an underlying issue (after reading your so what happened part), I think the issue that you described is not related to your depression at all.

Mid life crisis though - yep, that's it, wanting all those things you really can't have, wanting a change, a different thing to do. Realizing that the things you have been doing that take up your time but you don't enjoy should just be phased out because time is slipping away, the kids are growing up and you are not getting any younger.

I was talking to a young man who had just had a job interview. I asked him how he did and about his fiance' and such. He said he wasn't sure what he would do if he didn't get this job. I told him that he was young, he was not tied to this place, so do not stay unless you have a deep desire to be here. I also had a daycare family that was debating moving to FL or staying here in IL. They had lots of family in FL, could easily transfer jobs to that area, were able to sell their house and go and I told them to.

You don't want to be stuck, it makes everything else more burdensome. So go, chose your happiness by picking a place you want to live in. For me, I really am dreaming of Hawaii.

A couple years ago I was feeling this way. Very bored with my surroundings and wanting something different. As it happens my husband was looking for work and most of the jobs were in a different states. So we left Northern California and moved to the Chicago area. It has been fantastic. New places and people - everything is different and new. And new weather. For once I feel really content and love where I live. We live in a suburb and while I'd love to live in a rural area and raise chickens, that doesn't work with my husband's work. So a change can be GREAT. I'm not sure I had a mid-life crisis but change can really re-energize your life. Re: McMansion and those manicured women - there are other people out there who aren't like that. They might be the quiet person in the background who you have never noticed...Good-luck.