Help for My Niece!

Try getting her into some dance, music lessons, art projects or a team sport like softball. She has very low self esteem and until she starts recognizing herself as someone she likes this will continue. Work hard to find her something she is good at and can become passionate about. She sounds very confused and she FEELS not valued.

Uh . . . . a new one that will actually focus all on Alayna
and not trying to do family therapy.

Take three steps back.
No. More than that.
Take SIX steps back.

Now . . . . let's see.

There's this professional person, who, let's assume,
KNOWS WHAT SHE IS DOING.

She KNOWS she cannot work with Alayna in a vacuum.

Alayna is part of a family . . .
consisting of her mother, her aunt, and I don't know who else.

There is NO WAY a therapist is going to work with a young child
without also working with the family.

Does your sister want the therapist to FIX Alayna?
That's not what therapists do.

Therapists work with people and teach them ways to take care of themselves and how to interact in healthy ways with one another.

Your sister's expectations are probably innocently misguided.

I do hope you and she -- and whoever else is involved --
will cooperate with the therapist's instructions
and work TOGETHER with her and with Alayna
to help Alayna learn how to be the very best Alayna she can be.
================================
In response to another mom here -- in my opinion --
whether or not Alayna has a father, or a father substitute
is not going to make a difference in the current situation.
She and her mom (et al.) can get some guidance
and help from a good therapist for the current situation.
Marda summed it up very well.
The dad question can also be dealt with,
if and when the parties want to.
But for now, the issue is with Alayna and her mom,
and learning new ways to communicate and grow together.

I think that the problem is with everyone and not just Alayna. Your sister should go to a therapist with her. If a child is so insecure than the parent must learn ways to make her feel secure. Is your sister insecure?

Try sympathizing with Alayna when she's feeling hurt, upset, angry. she doesn't need to be convinced that she shouldn't feel this way. She needs to know it's OK to feel this way. Tell her you know she feels like she has no friends. Don't try to convince her she's wrong. At the same time realize that she is over reacting and that this too shall pass. Once we accept our emotions, allow ourselves to feel them and grieve if it's a loss, as with a fight with a friend, or be angry when we feel mistreated, we are eventually able to let go of the feelings and move on. But when people are telling us we're over reacting, should get over it, shouldn't even be feeling so sensitive then we focus on defending those feelings and usually add more emotion because these people don't understand.

Most of us were taught that we shouldn't feel certain ways or that we should snap out of our feelings and we pass that belief on to our children by denying them their right to those feelings. This results in not learning how to accept and deal with how we feel.

I also strongly urge your sister to work with the therapist. No one, especially a child, lives in a world separate from others. How Alayna feels is directly related to what she's learned from others as well as how she feels about herself. She now needs to learn how to relate in a more satisfactory way to others and life events. Her family is part of the others. Her family also needs to learn how to act with Alayna. to help her change her world view. In family therapy, Alayna and her family will learn new skills and new ways of relating with each other.

What you've described as Alayna's behavior sounds very normal. All children have on again, off again relationships. All children say or do things to upset friends. They fight. Children are grossly unskilled in relationships. They have to learn how to deal with the ups and downs in life. The family is the most important place to learn this.

Did your sister not see the humor in the two girls yelling at each other? If not, I suggest that she takes a very serious view of things which makes it natural for her daughter to also be overly sensitive. Perhaps counseling would help both of them to take this sort of happening less seriously. Humor lightens the serious parts of life so that we can see them in perspective. Having a fight with a friend as something not so important and which will happen over and over in our lives. How we think and act greatly influences our happiness.

The two girls yelling at each other is very normal and to be expected. It really is no big deal except that it feels like a big deal to the girls with whom it's happening. As adults we can laugh because we've been there and know it's no big deal. At the same time we need to realize it is a big deal for the girls and sympathize with them while reassuring them that their feelings are normal and will pass with time. Hold her,. Tell her you know it hurts. It's good to feel the pain. Then when the crying stops tell her about your own experiences with fights and how next week they'll be friends again. Alayna may say, no she hates the other girl. Tell her that's OK too.

When the parent has confidence that this is a normal part of learning how to get along and can be accepting of the feelings and offer reassurance the reaction will pass more quickly. It's very important for this to not be a big deal for the parent. When the parent is anxious or upset the child will continue to be upset.

Perhaps your sister has had difficulties with friendships and fears that her daughter will too. Counseling will help her become more confident and help her to learn some skills that will help her help her daughter. Whatever she's doing now isn't working. It's not just a matter of the counselor changing the way Alayna thinks and reacts. It's also a matter of changing the way everyone around her is affecting her and she them.

You have good questions about how you can help her at home. The therapist can answer those questions. Answering questions and teaching skills is what therapists do. That is the reason for family therapy.

I suggest that your sister is also very sensitive and feels threatened at the idea of family therapy. Reassure her that the therapist is going to teach her new ways of looking at things which will increase her self-confidence. Then she'll be better skilled at helping her daughter. The therapist knows that she's doing the best that she can and that she is a good person and a good mother. All of us have sensitivities and fears and when we learn to overcome them we find that we're happier. It does take a leap of faith, an acceptance of our fear, and the knowledge that with help we can be a happier person. For her she'll learn how to help her daughter.

If she prefers she can focus on helping her daughter in family therapy. She doesn't have to be in therapy for herself, though I suggest that once she's able to relax and accept help for herself, too, she'll feel relief. I suggest that if she'll try out family therapy, with the idea it's to help Alayna and learn skills to help her she'll find that it's not so threatening and actually helpful.

Later: My 7yo grandson often refuses to try to do new things. If he can't do it the first time, he gives up and feel hopeless. There are ways to talk with children that can help them overcome their feelings of helplessness. I recommend Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson. It has a two page chart that lists the behavior, what the child is thinking/feeling, how it makes the parent think/feel and how to respond. The other resource is How To Talk so Children Will Listen & Listen So Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

This therapist may not be a good fit for your sister and daughter. A student is less skilled and may not be as helpful as someone more experienced. It would be reasonable to ask for a different therapist to see if she's more comfortable with the therapist. At the same time it's important to be involved in family therapy. Another therapist is going to want to do family therapy, too.

About Shira's post: BRILLIANT!

I feel for your neice and truly believe she can get through this and learn resiliency. Why many families seeking help for a child turn to therapy is because they believe it is because something in the child that needs to be fixed. Fair. And what ends up happening is, without intention or even awareness, they view 'needing fixing' as negative in various differnt ways...by fixing, I mean the problem solely has to do with your neice and "working around" the emotional upsets isn't owning influence. It's great you all want to help her work through "her" problems...but see, it's all about her. Thus, yes, I don't mean offense at all but I think your sister and maybe you believe something unrelated to anyone but your niece needs repaired, or fixed.

When the therapist asks to include family, what happens is the family members not seeking therapy for personal struggles think it must mean they need to be 'fixed' with all of the negative perceptions. Resentment over being in such a position can either take shape in passive denial or a more verbal denial. Unfortunately, this prevents some parents from participating and treatment either fails with increase of symptoms, or it takes much longer.

So family members need to all be on the same page and willing to walk WITH your neice on her road to wellness.

That all probably sounds very cheesy (sorry!) But it's what I believe...her family is in a better position than the therapist is to help your neice. The therapist is simply there to help everyone along in the process...a facilitator. Wouldn't it be amazing to play an active role in helping a child learn resiliency and how to regulate emotions? And to watch this girl grow into confidence because you played a role in helping her with such an acheivement...how fortunate her family is to experience participating in a positive transformation!

And along the way, the family transforms for the better because of participation. Win-win

I think the parents of your neice and you should just keep doing what they are doing and stick with the therapist if there are no other issues asside from wanting to involve family. The benefits are much more likely with family participation.

Where is her father? Does she have a relationship with him? I ask this because you wrote that she "has some very bad abandonment issues" and "feels that no man will ever want to be her dad."

To me, her relationship with her father is the root of her insecurities and low self-esteem. I don't think you can successfully address her sensitivities regarding making and keeping friends without addressing her needines for her father, wanting a father-figure, and feeling incomplete without this relationship. This inturn fuels her surrender/hopeless perspective.

We obviously don't know the details of whether her father is in her life and if so, how well the relationship is, but without this paternal void being addressed, I don't think she'll be able to overcome her insecurities. Otherwise, you'll just be trying to "make the bed without any sheets on". You've got to address the inner turmoil before you can stop those issues from manifesting in other aspects.

What's with the "But she's blond if that also helps." comment?!

Hi,

Here are some things that may help Alayna:

1. color a pic when she is upset- have her describe her feelings after she has calmed down.

2.write a list of all of her friends. explain that people have fights and doesn't mean the friendship is over for all when that happens.

3. Does she have a pet? If she doesn't I would consider it---pet therapy can be soooo wonderful. She will have a built-in best friend and can start healing from some of the bigger issues.

4. Have her go to a child psychologist-- work on the issues and really build her self-esteem

good luck.

molly