Is There Any Way to Toughen up an Overly Sensitive Child?

Wow that sounds like me and I am way old. Whatever happened to letting her know,acknowledging that her feelings are real and reminding her that she can and will get through it?

Look into books on emotional intelligence and raising resilient children. I have a son like this and I can be on the sensitive side myself. I always learned in early childhood classes that they need acknowledgment of their concerns, sensitivities and feelings. Not that you can't also try to teach them appropriate ways of channeling their emotions, but the first step is to acknowledge them. It's a struggle for me with my sensitive one, but we are working on it. It seems to make it worse if you tell them or imply that what they are upset about isn't worth crying over.

FYI, sensitive kids can sometimes also be kids with sensory issues. Ever notice any of that?

When my son, a big crier, did this I would just let him cry and give him a little comfort.

She'll grow out of it.

Instead of the "toughen up" approach to her, and making her feel like she has to, "toughen up"... teach her coping skills for it.
ie: take deep breaths, close her eyes and focus on getting over the moment, telling herself it IS okay... that she feels things, but it can also be a private thing, etc.

You see, this is not necessarily a "bad" personality she has, she just has to learn how to cope, in the moment.

And if at all possible, don't criticize her for it... but like anyone needs to, they need to learn how to manage it... and cope, with it.

One thing that can help also, is to teach her, that IF and when she feels like that, to just PAUSE first... before instantly reacting. Pause. THEN, after a minute or so, find herself... and her feelings about said situation, and then, use her logic... to overcome it. Self-talk... ie: its not so bad, I tried my best, I know who I am and critiques can be helpful to me not a bad thing... I do not have to take it personally. etc.
It takes, practice.

My daughter who is in middle school, has classmates like that. And well, no one makes fun of them. They have friends, they know who they are and they are self-assured. But "sensitive." But they are okay. With it and themselves. But, they mature and then become better at managing, their feelings.

The fact that she is a more feeling type person is okay.
On the flip-side, there are kids that ALWAYS try to be tough and not "feel" anything.... and that is NOT good either. It is not good, that kids feel like they have to "ignore" their feelings. They should be able to KNOW how to express themselves. And with you.
I work at a school, and some kids, are just so un-feeling. And that is really not good. They just are oblivious to others and situations and are just so unreachable.

I'm going to tell you the effects of what people said to me because I believe that it's just as important to know what not to do or say.

I was told frequently:
Stop crying!
You are too sensitive. You shouldn't let that bother you.
If you don't stop crying I'll give you something to cry about.
You are being ridiculous.

Most of the time these things made me feel worse. I felt that not only did I cry easier but I was also weak because I couldn't control myself. So I felt even more defeated.

What some (not saying you) fail to understand is that most of the time sensitive people DON'T choose to be sensitive. It's part of our make up, just like our eye color and height. Yes I have learned tools to help me along the way but I am a sensitive soul.

Because I am sensitive my friends are able to share things and know I won't judge them. I will love them, warts and all. I've been described by people that I would give them the shirt off my back and it's true. I have the ability to sense when someone is hurting long before they tell me. I give hugs easily and frequently. I sense when my older sister is having a hard day and call her. She is always amazed that I am "tuned in" to her. I've been told I have a big heart. Not a bad thing.

I am like JB below. I can be an advocate for my family and I will fight to the death for them. I stand up for myself when I need to. I run two successful businesses and am very capable. I don't run from challenges.

I think most people are uncomfortable with sensitive people because they don't know where to put themselves. It's okay. Your daughter will develop her own ways of dealing with the challenges set before her.

With her coach, I'd be willing to bet, a certain amount of her feelings had to do with feeling like she disappointed him or her. Maybe saying something like I can see you're upset by what was said. It makes us feel bad sometimes when people we think a lot of say something negative. Do you think they said it to hurt your feelings or to help you improve? Helping her think through it might put it in a different light and let her see it for what it was.

It always amazes me how people want to toughen sensitive people up. Why? Why can't tough people be more sensitive?

Blessings!
L.

The first thing I'd think about is whether or not she wants "help" in becoming less emotional. If it doesn't bother her, then let it be. If she's embarrassed by her reactions or wants to better control them, then of course you offer her help with that.

I am a sensitive person in many contexts. I tear up at least once a day, probably more, over something. If someone shares bad news with me (serious illness, death) I'm that person who will have to fight back tears while hearing it even if I don't know their loved one. I was reading a "One Book, One School" book to my second grader this morning and was bawling so hard through a sad part that my 4th grader took over so I could pull myself together (the kids are used to it and just hand me a tissue and carry on). I cry with joy, I cry with sadness, I cry over songs, TV shows, commericals, books, movies, and real life. I also laugh - a lot - often to the point of tears.

All that said, I hold myself together when needed...I don't cry over work stuff at work (but will cry for a colleague going through something awful), I'm great in an emergency, I can be tough as nails when negotiating on behalf of my kids or arguing with my husband.

It's been a long process to learn when and where it's "safe" to be fully emotionally present and where I have to act a little tougher. You can role play those kinds of situations with her so she's better prepared. Another things that helps me is to have a mental vault of funny things I can think about when I'm getting upset and don't want to show it.

Good luck to her (and you) - being very emotional isn't always a bad thing but it's just something that eventually has to be controlled a bit - there's a time and place for all feelings, but we can't express them all everywhere, all the time.

In addition to coaching her on what might happen, would you consider coaching her on alternative ways of handling her sensitivities- i.e. a few deep breaths, brush it off (with her hand like she were wiping away dandruff), clench her fists hard and release, stomp her feet, count to ten, and there are many others. Each that I suggested, can be done anywhere, don't require tools, and aren't terribly disruptive.

See if any of these might work. She might surprise you with something altogether different and better. Some people can carry the feeling, and wait till they can paint, clean, journal, do exercise, pull up weeds, have sex, groom the horse etc, or as someone suggested today, channel it into a triatholan.

Lastly, don't dismiss the power and effectiveness of a good cry, all sorts of endorphins, and other brain chemicals are released. Since it is short lived, and quickly forgotten, maybe your kid has already found her release valve.

Best,
F. B.

It's just her personality.

My youngest has been like this since birth. Two and a half years of pure hell for our family. She screams and cries about everything. Plus she always wants to be held. Her whole life she's never been able to fall asleep for naptime on her own.

But she gets it from me. I'm like a volatile tornado.

On the flipside, my oldest and her father are both pretty easy-going individuals.

I have to say, as an emotional being myself, nothing irritates me more than being told I need to calm down or that I have a problem.

I just finished reading the book "The Highly Sensitive Child". Amazon for $8. You won't be disappointed. There are lots of insights to this personality trait as well as hands on tips on ways to understand it.

I don't think she needs to "toughen up," just help with coping skills and resiliency. Is she bothered by crying a lot? Does she get embarrassed by it? If not, I wouldn't mention it to her as though it were a problem. Just be there for her and support her.

Please don't tell her to toughen up or think for one second she is being immature or needs to grow out of it. This is who she is! You've already seen all the positives of her sensitive nature. You can't have the positives of a personality trait without the flip siide.

Sometimes things my husband says can be very hurtful. His family is much more blunt than mine, so that's part of it. But part of it is the fact that I'm just much more sensitive by nature.

I told him once that if I try to stop letting those comments hurt me, I'd actually be trying to teach myself to stop caring about what he said. The thing is, I can't really stop caring unless I stop caring. I can't just stop caring about the hurtful things. I would end up not caring at all, and that would mean not caring about all the good things. You can't have one without the other. It's a package deal.

You can help her learn ways to deal with it better sometimes. Over the years I've learned how to hold things in while at work or in public. I've learned how to put on a brave face and cry when no one's around. And I really have learned how to let some things not bother me so much.

I find crying to me very therapeutic. I usually feel a very strong emotional release when I cry. It really helps. I've also found that if I feel like I'm going to cry about something it means it is something I feel very passionate about. If it wasn't something I cared about I wouldn't have much reason to be upset or cry.

So please don't try to change her. This is who she is. She needs to know that what she is feeling is ok. Don't make her feel she's doing anything wrong. You can pull her aside and talk to her about what's bothering her. There are probably times when you could help her put things in perspective. But she is who she is. The best thing you can do is teach her to embrace herself for who she is.

Feeling her feelings is the healthiest thing she can do. We are now beginning to understand how harmful our "don't feel your feelings" is to our health, both physical and mental. Requiring our children to "toughen up" is what has created so much addiction, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and illness.

Your daughter is releasing negative energy when she cries. She is allowing herself to honor how she feels and sees the world and then move on to the next thing.

Please be careful about deciding for your daughter what is "cry worthy." I know you love her and want the best for her, however, you are not living her life. You are not experiencing the things she is experiencing and therefore can never really know what is "cry worthy" or not for her.

She will learn for herself what works and what doesn't. She just needs you to listen and hold space. If you are uncomfortable then you can address your own stuff separate from her. Allow yourself the time and space to explore why her expressing of emotions feels so uncomfortable. What are your beliefs about emotions? Were you embarrassed, shamed, or hurt because of emotions you expressed? What were you taught about "being sensitive?"

Emotions are a normal part of being human. Unfortunately, much of our society has decided that they don't want to have this part of humanness and therefore have shut down their "sensitive" parts. This is how we have created so much addiction because everyone is desperately trying to avoid something that is a natural process rather than learning how to just sit with the feeling, let it move through, and then moving on to the next experience.

If she is looking for ways to be able to not cry on ocassion, and has tried other ways with little success, it's possible that she can reprogram her response to tears by saying to herself "Cry, go ahead, cry!" Silly, yes? But effective for some of us. It seems we spent so much effort into not crying (with our internal voice saying "Don't cry.", that the opposite works. For me, it's like magic. It doesn't make a person less sensitive, but more able to control the situation. That alone helps to make a person feels stronger and more capable.

There's a difference between tearing up and feeling sad with self-control type sensitive, and temper tantrum crying. It's unclear in your post what you mean when you say she sobbed the whole way home....that almost sounds like borderline temper tantrum-even if there was a legitimate trigger. If so, a little firmness wouldn't hurt along the lines of discipline. Setting expectations and reprimanding that behavior does not always equal cruel shaming that will make them feel worse. Sometimes you need to explain that excessive crying is inappropriate behavior the same way screaming or getting angry at people is, and like any rule, it needs enforcing. We all have FEELINGS, but you can't act on them whenever you want. I KNOW people lose it when you suggest anything other than absolute sympathy for sensitive kids, but MOST KIDS will cry and cry if allowed from what I've seen. Maybe not at age 10, maybe she's MORE sensitive than most, but she's also able to control the actual crying unless there is a serious issue.

I'm an EXTREMELY sensitive person. I'm overly sympathetic to people and situations and prone to bawl and dwell on things and sting myself with regret, YET I am also extremely self controlled and was never allowed to "carry on like that" as a child. SO I controlled all my out of control emotions-and still do. Thank goodness or I'd have trouble in life if I wore my emotions on my sleeve all the time. Sensitive people can't just go around falling apart at the seams, and most functional ones are just that: functionally self-controlled with sensitive emotions inside. This is what you need your daughter to become.

My second child is sensitive, but not overly so. He went through phases where anything would set him off crying but he was not allowed to act that way, and now he's OK. My third is even more sensitive and sort of rageful, so it's easy for her to cry or get angry. I had to be very tough with her to get her to control herself, but she does. More like she channels herself well even though she's very passionate. She needs to be an actress because she can EMOTE BOY OH BOY. If she starts to cry inappropriately I warn her, and she stops, even though I can see she's red, with tears in her eyes, etc, that's OK, but she's not allowed to just bawl and freak out every time she feels like it or no one would like her. Sometimes there is nothing wrong with a good old fashioned "Quit Crying!" when kids are milking it. Or even a "Quit crying or we will not___(fill in privilege they're about to lose)."My oldest child is like me. She's VERY sensitive. She hurts for other people and a stern word makes her very very sad. I'm gentle with her, BUT YET: She's not allowed to throw fits either, so she too has self-control, I just didn't have to be as "tough" on her, because she is so sensitive.

So I don't know. Could you be a little less tolerant of the crying? Or have you tried to be firm about it and it has no effect? It's a tough one! If you have tried to lay down the law on the fussy behavior and she just cannot control herself, maybe professionals could help, but if you think she's just moving within her allowed boundaries, it's up to you to judge how to handle. It's basically bad sportsmanship to cry when a coach corrects you. It's OK to tell her that and expect her to improve. Many people will be offering her criticism in life, she needs to learn to take it gracefully no matter how she feels inside. So don't feel bad if you decide to treat it like any other important behavioral lesson and enforce it as such.

This is normal to an extent for many people.

First of all is Gymnastics held after a long day of school? She could be tired. Tired of holding it together all day long. After school activities are usually for fun. Gymnastics is more like training.

Make sure she still loves Gymnastics.
Is she a perfectionist? If so she is way harder on herself than anyone else can be. She needs to be able to tell the difference in what she is feeling.

Frustration, because she cannot get the move down to meet her expectations.

She did her best and feels good about it, but is upset because the coach is not pleased.

She is not able to do the move that is necessary. This makes her angry, because others seem to make the move with little effort.

She does not like making mistakes. She does not like to be growled at.

All of these feelings can be shared and discussed. They are normal. Let her know she is having a normal reaction, not to be embarrassed, but to tel herself, I can do better next time. Or, I will now work on that until I can do that without even thinking about it.

I am still having fun.

Coach knows I can do better.

No one is perfect. (mom admit when you screw up, make a mistake, make a bad choice) She needs to see that even the most beloved people in her life are not perfect and have made some mistakes, even really bad ones.

Also, it is ok to cry. Who cares what others think. We are allowed to have our own feelings.

I read something a long time ago that John Rosemond said about this subject. His daughter was forever coming home from playdates crying because one of the girls did or something that upset her.

What he said he did was send her to her room everytime, telling her that all her crying must be because she's "tired". She wasn't allowed to play, or be around the family. Eventually, she stopped stomping out of playdates and crying, and trying harder to handle herself.

Perhaps that is what you could try.

I agree with Amy J that sometimes the crying can go to far. I'm also very sensitive like she is and your daughter but self control is a big factor in life. One of my daughters is very sensitive and I typically console her for a little while and eventually say "enough!" If no one tells them to stop, they can wallow and I know from experience wallowing is not good and it can almost be addicting. A certain amount of discipline can be necessary to just stop it. So I see nothign wrong with listening to her, letting her have her feelings of course, showing her the bright side of a situation or something and then saying if she continues "ok, enough." What I've done specifically too is to walk through the worst outcome of whatever she's crying about. I do that for myself for a while now and it really helps. ie: someone doesn't like me/her etc? Does that mean NO ONE does? Does it mean NO ONE WILL EVER??" Obviously the answer is no and that usually helps my daughter say "oh, ok, not so bad." Did her coach mean she is the worst gymnast in the world?? If so, did she plan on going to the Olympics? Is it impossible to find another activity?? I kind of go to the negative extreme verbally to help them find perspective bc that's what this is kind of about - perspective.

As a parenting instructor, I can tell you that if it is anxiety, then, this needs to be looked into by a therapist. It is a serious mental illness.

On the other hand, she just might need to learn skills---See if there is a local parenting educator...or ask the school social worker.

I have one friend who used to come to my parenting classes when her child was little. She brought her daughter for outside testing by a specialist and it was anxiety. The daughter attended therapy sessions for 8 months and she is doing MUCH better.

The book suggested below is good, too.

One of my kids was always sensitive---It went hand-in-hand with her sensory processing. Occupational theraphy did wonders for her.

Kids that age may not know exactly how to communicate the extent of how she is feeling.

She may or may not grow out of it.

See pepparent.org

Hi, Sally:

Yes, you need a different approach with your daughter. Your approach is not working.

How to fix your approach? Your approach needs to come from her point of view instead of the coaches!
Here's the example:
(I'm sure it was run of the mill stuff and I told her the coach just wants her to do well. I've seen the things that set her off and they certainly aren't "cry worthy"--at least in my opinion).

Here are the questions to ask her when she is upset. Remember them and use them consistently, please.

1. What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. What impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

Come from her point of view, Not yours or the Coach's.

Good luck.
Thanks for asking.
D.

I have a sensitive 10-year-old son and I wish I had some earth-shattering insights to share, but it may be something that she grows out of with time and maturity. It sounds like you're on the right track with her, anticipating and discussing situations with her before they happen. I like S.H.'s answer about teaching her coping skills that she can use in the moment. My son has had to learn to not take things too personally, and he has learned to channel his negative energy into activities like karate. Positive reinforcement is also very good for a sensitive kid.

I wouldn't call it 'toughen up' but she needs to learn coping skills. Seeing a therapist is a great way to do this. Mainly because kids take what their parents say with a grain of salt because you love them unconditionally. If a therapist/another adult says it, they tend to believe it more. My son has learned a lot of coping skills and it has made a world of difference. It is a type of anxiety, as they rely too heavily on what others think of them.

if the child is only going on a crying jag after gymnastics, then the problem might be the gymnastics teacher, not the child being "overly sensitive" . have you talked to the other kids and parents of the kids in the gymnastics class??is the teacher only being critical of your daughter, or the entire class? have you talked to the gymnastics teacher about it ? have they actually bothered to listen to you and your child?better to talk the potential problem over with everyone involved then to have to deal with the possibility of the gymnastics teacher decided your child "needs medication" and calling her ped. without your input. and yes, i have read postings from parents who discovered their kids teacher called the kids ped. and demanded they be medicated, without parental knowledge or consent. K. h.

As a sensitive adult that was an extremely sensitive child, I'd like to tell you that there is a way to toughen her up. It just doesn't work that way.
If she wants to cry, then let her. Honestly, it will make her feel better. Bottled up emotions like that just are no good. My son is very sensitive like I was and I encourage him to put his head down, close his eyes, and count to 10. Then take two deep breaths, and open his eyes. This actually does help. If he really feels like he needs to have a moment, then I have him go to his room (or the bathroom is we are in public) where he can work it out on his own. After a few minutes, he feels better and comes out good as new.
Anyway, just a few tips. I don't chastise him for getting upset. Honestly, I don't think he can help it.
Sensitive kids also do great at artistic hobbies where they can express themselves easily and without high levels of expectation. If you find that gymnastics is just going to rough for her, or is causing too much stress, you can ask her if she wants to switch gears to another hobby, like music, art, or writing.

While you can't "toughen" her up, you can help her navigate the times
that are hard for her.
While she should be allowed to express herself & never encourage to
suppress feelings, you CAN help her by steering her towards letting less
get to her.
You do this by talking to her.
Best example? What you said to her already about "it being the coach's
job to let her know what she can do better"!! Good job on that one.
Keep telling her things.
It's okay to be sensitive. What you want to do is to steer her, in a healthy
way, to a spot where she's not always breaking down crying as this can
be cause for kids to make fun of her etc.
She will most likely outgrow this stage as she ages.

Does she have a journal?

Encourage her to write these experiences down, being as detailed as she likes.

This will help her feel all the emotions she was experiencing at the time, connect them to what was going on, and allow her to express her feelings without shame.

As she writes more experiences, she will start to read ones from the past. This will help her see her own pattern of behavior, i.e., certain topics, people, moods, situations that bother her more then others. She will then be able to develop a bit more self awareness ( I'm having a bad day, so and so is having a bad day, etc) to implement coping mechanism when and before things happen. In other words she will develop an internal healthy framework for dealing with sensitive situations.

Help her keep this private.

At times, and with kindness, when new situations come up help her to "review" the old ones in her journal and how she got through them, and how they impact her now. It will give her a new perspective on the current one without anyone interfering with her need to process it.

This is who she is. It is a gift but help her learn how to best use and protect it.

I also believe that some people are "expressors" and "internalizers". The expressors say/what is on their mind. Thoughts feelings are right on the surface, come out and they are over it. Internalizers have tons of filters on thoughts and feelings, process them before expressing them and often continue to analyze it after the fact or "hold on" to them.

I tend to be more of an internalizer, let things bother me, hold on to things, but also really pick up others emotions and am overly sensitive. My oldest son is the same. My middle son is the exact opposite and I struggle with the free, unrestricted expression of emotion.He is SO expressive, speaks his mind, and just puts it all out there! I have learned that that this is who he is, love him for it, and have learned myself from it. We are just opposite in nature, and neither is wrong or right.

I think your daughter is an "expressor".

Hope this helps :-).