Last Day of School - Washington,DC

Could she be getting hormonal?? I know that can really side swipe you at any age! I don't have tips, that was just my first thought due to her age, good luck!

I think there is a middle ground between comforting and telling her to 'shake it off' as it were.

My little guy goes through short seasons of being extremely tender, and it's HARD...especially around transition times(much like your daughter's transition of leaving school and her class for the year). Everything then seems HUGE for him. One thing I do is to give a bit of empathy (like "Oh, I know, you really wanted that sticker, huh? That's a bummer!") and then to put it back to him "What do you think you can do so you can feel better?"

Notice, I did not say "how can I make you feel better" or "what do you need to feel better" but "what can YOU do so you can feel better". I hand it back to him as often as possible. Some days, it works, he is able to decide to find something he enjoys doing and it moves him along. Other days, "Wow, sweetie, that/today has been a tough one? Huh? How about we see if there are some stickers at home for you?" or another possible solution. Sometimes, the solution is to offer a small snuggle/reading time, or an art project (why don't you draw something you'd like to see on a sticker, and we'll make it stick on with some tape)...

And sometimes, there is just no "win". I believe that learning to cope and live with disappointment is actually a really good thing for kids. This is why I don't offer to *fix* things as often as I might; I have learned a lot from being around my son's school librarian-- she is so great at saying "that's a bummer" or "wow, that stinks, huh?" when a child can't check out a certain book or didn't return their books or missed out on a special library event the week before because they were absent. She doesn't even address "fair/that's not fair" issues, just "that's too bad, maybe next time" and moves on. I love how she has modeled this in her daily practice: there's nearly always a 'next time' and that she *believes* they are capable of picking themselves up, dusting themselves off and moving forward. And 9 times out of 10, they usually do.

Good luck. I know some days can be tough!

It's just a personality type. I recommend reading The Highly Sensitive Child and The Highly Sensitive Person.

In terms of your response, I think you'll be able to handle it perfectly if you strive for a halfway point. Give her a quick one-armed hug across the shoulders and strive for a tone that's warm but maybe a little gruff. Say something like, "Yeah, that sounds disappointing. Looks like your friends all want to play with you right now. Why don't you join them and have some fun."

The good thing (one of the many good things) about this personality type is that sensitive people really pick up on other people's emotions. So if you model both acknowledgment and resilience, she'll probably pick up on that.

She should be old enough, too, at 10, for you to have a frank and straightforward discussion about how it's fine to feel sad, but it's also great to have a strategy for not letting that sadness overwhelm you. You're lucky having a girl -- they actually talk about their feelings!

I've known some kids like this and they tended to be MORE sensitive when their mom's around. Does she cry a lot at school when you're not there?
Also, peer pressure will start to kick in soon. At ten I bet most of the kids are getting pretty tired of her crying and they will let her know it. It probably won't be an issue by the time she starts middle school.

I treat crying like masturbation. It's ok to cry and everybody does it, but if you need to do it go to your room and do it in private.

You tell her to shake it off. She's not a toddler anymore. She needs to differentiate between "cry-worthy" events and events where she needs to keep her emotions under control. As her mom, it's your job to help her to learn.

My daughter is 10.
She has some girl classmates that are like that.
They have been like that since Kindergarten.
The other kids just know that these girls are emotional and sensitive.
They just don't react to them anymore.
They don't tease them either.
But they just are desensitized to these girls already.

The teachers know this too, about these girls.
They don't give attention for it.
Nor do they coddle the girls for it.
They don't stop the class or everyone, for it.

Has your daughter always been this way? Or not?
It could be her age.
From 9-12 years old, they are Tweens. Pre-teens.
And sure their hormones and emotions are changing.
Its hard for them.
But they need, COPING skills.
And this is taught. Or they muddle around with it themselves and may or may not, obtain coping skills for it.

Once in middle school... then what?
Kids these ages are different.
They may not be so kind about it.

Talk to her.
Teach her how to self-manage.
She does not have self-management over her emotions.
But then again, many adults don't either.

As her Mom, comfort her but that does not mean you are "giving in" to it.
Comforting is different.
And talk to her.
Ask her why.... she does this?
And what else can she do besides what she is doing now?
And, does she have friends?
If not, then she may always be feeling left out?

Teach her how to verbally express herself.

And yes, not everyone has to deal with, her crying.
Especially in school.
But at home, with Mom, you... you can talk with her. About it.

Get her the "American Girl" book series. They have it for all topics from their body changes to choosing friends.
It is for this, age.
And to be read by the girl and discussed with the Mom.
It is age appropriate.
Some girls at 9 years old, get their periods already.
They are changing a ton, at this age.

If your daughter didn't get a sticker... then instead of crying over it... she COULD HAVE, just spoken up, in a mature way, gone up to the person handing it out and said "Sorry, I didn't get one yet..."
There is nothing wrong, with saying that.

And you need to tell her, that everyone does NOT have to stop what they are doing, just because she is crying.
She is also, responsible for herself. Not expecting others, to make her stop crying.
If she is crying just to get attention, then that is disruptive.

It's time to take the "shake it off" path. I work in an elementary school and believe me, her friends and classmates will tire of the constant crying and may even come to resent her putting a damper on everything because she is crying again.

Of course, there will always be certain situations where you should be sensitive to her emotions, but a 10 year old crying over a sticker? That's much too much over the top. It's time to start helping her learn some perspective.

Good luck- it's going to be hard at first, but it really needs to be done!

My girlfriend likes to tell her kids - "you get what you get and you don't get upset." she also has choice expressions - like "fare (play on the word "fair" is what you pay to get on the bus." and "I understand you feel sad about XXXX, but if you need to continue crying, you need to do it elsewhere."

Her kid's seem alright despite her tough love.

Just this morning, a man told his son who was whining on the subway- "Things don't always work out the way we would like, nothing we can do about it now, if you continue to whine however, there will be consequences."

Our DS is still a little young, but he doesn't seem to cry excessively, or to cry to be the center of attention, so we haven't had to use the above as yet.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I'm currently reading a book about negative thinking and children. It may be that your daughter is taking such silly stuff personally, as indications of her worth. If she tends towards the glass half empty, it might be worth checking out this book: freeing your child from negative thinking.

My 10 yo son is the same way. I don't know why but he cries very easily also. And gets upset easily. I just tell him to stop or go in his room. I too try to be sensitive to him, but sometimes its so ridiculous. I don't have any advice but will check back to see if anyone else offers good advice for us. =0)

Is this new or has she always been this way? Read "highly sensitive child."

Ut oh, saw the post title and thought it was about me!!
Answer: no but I do...

My 6yo has always been like this. It is part of her nature. I try to get her to shake it off and don't give her much sympathy unless the specific situation warrants it. I expect she'll learn to moderate her reactions (though maybe not the underlying emotions) when she gets her executive brain function in her 20s.

My 9 yo has always been like this. And as I remember, I was like this too as a child. that doesn't make it easier for me to deal with it though. I remember around grade 4, crying suddenly became socially unacceptable with the peers and I was the cry baby. So I have really been trying to get her to find other coping measures. It seems like her class has several criers this year though, so apparently it is pretty normal with 8-9 year old girls. I have recently been trying not to give in to it, because that makes it even worse. And I remember as a child that the more someone told me to stop, the harder it was to stop. So I would tell her to go and get herself together and come talk to you when she can be calm.

I would work with her on coping strategies. My DD can be sensitive, but if she's milking it or her behavior/reaction is not appropriate to the venue (like hollering in school) then she needs to react a better way. She has learned to take a break if she really needs to (in a bathroom or in her bedroom). My mantra before school has been "use your words". I think it can apply to an older girl, too. What upsets her and what can she do to resolve it and get past it? I understand that she might be disappointed that she didn't get a sticker, but making everyone feel like they have to stop and comfort her is manipulative.

My daughter is like this (she's 12) but she usually cries over things that happen to others. Such as a friend whose mom was in a car wreck (no one hurt, just a fender bender), or when her sister was bitten by a dog. She is getting better, but she says she can't help it.

I'm not sure what to do, I was never a crier myself, I just wrote or drew out my emotions.

Hi, J.:

Everyone received a sticker but your child?
That is, indeed, a reason to cry. Just because she's a child, doesn't mean she doesn't sense wrongdoing.

Suppose It was you? Suppose everyone in your office received a certificate, except you? Wouldn't you feel devalued?

Your child felt devalued by not receiving a sticker. The teacher needs to be called down for not having enough stickers. It is her responsibility to make sure all students feel equally valued. She needs to be held accountable for her failure. The teacher needs to give your child a sticker in the presence of her class mates to make amends.

I would suggest that you learn about sensitive, empathic people. Appreciate her ability to let you know when injustices are being done.

Good luck.
D.