Need Advice for 13Yo Who Is Super Sensitive and Cries Easily

This is so normal. As teens hit puberty their hormones go haywire and it is common for them to have issues controlling their emotions, both crying easily and/or being quick to anger. I have talked with my son about ways for him to step back when he feels strong emotions and give himself time to process them before reacting to them, but that is a hard skill to learn, even for many adults.

It seems to me like the issue is not that she's too sensitive. It's that she doesn't know how to deal with her sensitive feelings. Being sensitive is not a flaw. Think of the people you've met in your life who instinctively knew you were having a hard day, or sad, or struggling. Think of the people who knew you needed a hug, or someone to listen. Think of the kind, quiet, thoughtful people who sense what's going on around them. We need them, just like we need the non-stop action go-getter take-charge rough-and-tough people.

The problem happens when the sensitive people don't know how to use their gift. One time I remember a family member was in the hospital with a serious illness. He was on the long road to recovery, and he had a friend who came and visited every day. But the friend just sat silently by the bedside, with tears in his eyes, like he was keeping vigil at a funeral or something. It was so depressing, to the patient and everyone. We finally talked to the friend and said we appreciated that he sat by his friend's side, but the sadness wasn't helping. He explained that he was the sensitive type. We said we understood that, but it would be more helpful if he turned his sensitivity into positive action. Thankfully he got it, and next time he brought a great book and read it aloud to the patient. He started bringing music, got the hospital therapy dog to visit, and turned his sensitivity into helpfulness. The patient recovered and the visits were no longer melancholy, but positive.

So, it's just my unprofessional opinion that the answer lies with knowing what to do, and it won't always involve ignoring the feelings or just brushing them off. Instead, it sounds as though your daughter needs to learn what she can do. If a kid says something hurtful, perhaps she can learn how to respond with kindness, or say "stop", or tell an adult if it's a very damaging thing that was said. If she is upset by a friend, should she call you, or should she speak up and talk things over? Or should she physically remove herself from the situation, and do some calm breathing, or recite a verse or saying that means something to her.

I guess I mean: action, rather than passive behavior, might help her.

It might help if you recognize that this is not something she needs to "get over." This is who she is. Period. You need to accept her for who she is.

Validate her feelings. Let her talk about them. If she knows she can speak to you without you saying or doing anything to make her feel like there's something wrong with her (by saying she's "too sensitive" or she needs to "get over it" or she's internalizing things WAAAYYY too much").

She needs to be able to let it out. She needs to be able to work through her emotions in the way that she is hard wired to do that. Sometimes that will mean crying or talking about what she's feeling. It's not bad or wrong, it just is what it is.

Now, how do you help her? Well, you talk to her about ways that she can put on a brave face when she's with her friends. someone might say or do something that upsets her, and you help her find ways that she can squelch those feelings a bit, knowing that if she's still upset later she can cry in your arms.

I'm very sensitive, and I didn't always know how to deal with it. Over the years I've learned how to fake it when I'm out in public. Sometimes faking it for a little while actually helps those feelings to subside. Sometimes I cry when I get home.

But probably the worst thing someone can say to me is that I'm overly sensitive or need to just get over it. Those things are simply not true or helpful. From my perspective, other people need to try to be more sensitive. But really, how would you feel if someone who was sensitive like your daughter was always telling you that you were being too much of a cold fish and needed to learn how to feel?

How about instead of seeing her as way too sensitive you see her as a wonderfully in-tune human being who needs skills to return her body to normal?

Meditation. Teaching her skills to use her gift. It's a gift, not a curse. Help her to figure out how to use it.

There is a great book called The Highly Sensitive Child. Get a copy ASAP.

It is her personality type...it is the way she is wired...there are a few techniques to help but for the most part she will be sensitive.

They will be great artists, musicians, poets, counselors...great friends to others.

In dealing with American culture be thankful she is a girl...I have a highly sensitive boy. He has to stuff all his feelings down all day then they explode all over me when he gets home from school. Good luck!!

I am super sensitive, but not really a crier - not as a teen either - however, I absorbed feelings around me. I still do. I have learned that I don't need to get personally involved - I can look at other people and situations and know it doesn't need to affect me personally.

That life lesson "don't take things personally" was what helped me. Before that, if I was at work and a permanently grumpy co-worker wasn't particularly kind to me, I'd let it affect me. Once I really got that her grumpiness had nothing to do with me (it was her mindset) then I could let it go.

Not sure if a teen would get that, but I remind my kids that from time to time.

I read the book the 4 Agreements in my 20's and it changed how I viewed interactions with people. What other people say and do is about them - not me. I can only control my reactions to things. If someone is unkind, I have a boundary where I can say "that wasn't very kind" and then I can let it go. Part of my emotions was feeling like I wasn't standing up for myself. I'd get annoyed with myself. So learning to look after myself, plus not taking it personally - was what helped me.

I think Elena B. and Gidget gave great answers!

Perhaps she needs to go back to the counselor to learn some new tools and practice using some techniques to help her understand how to react.

This is a gift she needs to learn how to manage, please don't make her feel being sensitive is a bad thing.

Characteristics of people who are introverted are being better understood and recognized. Your daughter just may be an introvert. Please take the time to understand teen introverts and their struggles. There are a few books out that are helpful.

The book "Quiet" by Susan Cain was helpful to me.

Instead of trying to change her, how about getting her the professional help she needs to be able to deal with her feelings? I'd suggest going back to the counselor - unless there was a problem, in which case find another one - to get some objective help. You want her to stop having the feelings and you have decided she internalizes them too much - but that's not helping her cope. But you do go rushing in to pick her up when she wants to run away from difficulties. That's not a useful coping skill, and it probably contributes to her feelings of being a failure. She needs far more effective techniques to employ, and I think you both could benefit by working with a qualified therapist who can help your daughter, and also help you know how to respond. (I've just finished working with a teen who needed to develop more independence and more separation from her mother - it's a different issue than your daughter's, but my work with some life skills and the work with a highly skilled counselor have helped this young woman make extraordinary strides in 4 months.

Well, I chaperoned a elementary field trip to a play last week and cried during the show in front of my group of 5th graders so....

I did become less sensitive as I got older (my parents said I cried if someone looked at me cross eyed at 13). but I am and always will be a sensitive crier. I suggest that you not try to change her. Support her, teach her to ask to excuse herself for a minute to regain her composure when she needs to, but please don't try to tell her that her emotions are bad or wrong.

If she's sensitive--or has anxiety maybe-? she's not going to "get over it." It's part of who she is and how she's wired. She can go back to counseling, it's just like going to the doctor. It will help her. Try a different counselor, if you/she feels like it's not helping, until she finds a good fit.

I promise this works. Give her a Midol. See if it makes a difference.

I have seen this completely change a kiddo. It's not an all the time thing but you might try it and see if there is a difference.

If she saw a counselor for awhile, maybe it's time she go back for a refresher course.