HELP ! HELP ! HELP! Strong Willed Child

I just wanted to say I am going through some of the same with my almost 4 year old girl. I too have a 1 year old boy also. I work full time though and have a day care provider who sees my daughter more than I do. When I do see her, she tests me a lot and I just put her in time out and if that doesn't work I tell her if she does it one more time, I will put one of her favorite toys in the basement for a day. That usually works for her. I try to tell her that it makes me sad when she is naughty (and I look really sad), and she usually doesn't like that I look that way and tells me so. I tell her that I love her and I like it better when she is a good girl.

N.,
This isn't an immediate solution, but a helpful suggestion. If you ever get the opportunity to listen to Shawn Hogan-Downey speak - go & go quickly! She usually speaks at different parenting seminars. Keep an eye open when looking at Metro Parent Magazine, the seminars are usually advertised in there. She talks about raising children from toddler to high school and has wonderful, practical advice.

Try flicking her right on her mouth every time she says it,it stings her lips and lets her know her mouth not her bottom is out of control,if that doesn't help take away something she likes such as her favorite toy or tv show let me know how it works.

Try a postive reward system for the postive behavior, focusing on the positive. It is pretty involved and I am a slow typer if you are actually interested in more I will give you full details. I am a Social worker and taught parting for many years. One postive thought, strong willed children grow up to be great achievers as adults, eventhought they drive their parents crazy on the way. Good luck,

S.

I have the greatest book for you it's called Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, it offers very practical solutions for getting past the power struggles and dealing with the emotions of the moment. My son is a very strong willed 3 1/2 y/o. I appreciate the strength because I know that it will serve him well in the future, but it can be extremely frustrating to deal with a little tyrant. One thing I try to keep in mind is that every situation is an opportunity to connect or to disconnect with my child and I try to find solutions that keep us connected. Sometimes I say that I understand that he is upset/angry that he can't (have ice cream for breakfast) and he can tell me he's mad, but he can't call me names and he can have one of 2 choices.
good luck!!! and then I just sit with the temper tantrum if he has one.

Hello N., I am T. Miers and have raised two boys one of which was the same way. I found that if you totally ignore her when she says something that she knows will require a response, she will eventually give it up. It is hard but it really does work. For example, my child use to screem and throw really bad temper tantrums, it didn't take long when he knew mom wasn't going to react for him to stop. It is hard but it really does work. You have to stick to your guns. You and Your husband need to be more strong willed and one step ahead of her at all times. She is very intellegent and needs to be challenged. Find something to challenge her or put her into a martial arts program where they learn disciplin and how to control it. That also works on a strong willed child. Please, try to ignore her. It will take a little bit but it will work. Have a lot of patience. You will need it.

N., It is normal for a strong willed child. Very calmly make it clear those are swear words in your home. One of the consequences we tried and it worked, is tabasco sauce, it is a food, (NOT a soap) a couple of drops on a teaspoon is enough. There are many good books on the strong willed child, check at your library, there is a ton of good info for you. Talk to your daughter when she is calm, explain how it makes you sad and frustrated when she speaks that way, ask her how she would feel if you called her names or treated her the same way she treats you. She must be so frustrated and feels no control in her life, help her find the control she needs. The toughest part for you is staying calm, and it is the most important, it helps her learn to try to stay calm in a tough situation. When she is upset, have her take 3 big breaths. give her time to gain control of herself. Also explain if she calms down in a few minutes(set a timer) there will be good consequences. Make a chart, make faces on it for her attitude. Be consistant, stay calm. You can do it. K.

Ok N., as hard as it may be -- how about just ignoring it!!! Believe me when I say this I -- at one time I called my son high spirited -- but sometimes I think it's our problem. Take a breath and just ignore it!! When reading your whole thing it sounds like it brings her attention (negative) but attention. Perhaps, when she starts to spout out the word idiot -- step back and ask yourself if your actually "paying attention" to her. As parents we get so busy with everything sometimes we just don't pay attention. I felt the same way you did (when my son was about 21/2 and around 4 also) that all I was doing is disciplining him in some way or another and getting more and more frustrated. I was introduced to some different ideas -- like trying to put ourselves in their shoes, recognizing that are humans with real feelings (not that you didn't realize this -- but I was waaay to controlling on some things and not realizing this) For instance as a person would you like it if when you want something your husband always told you to wait and when you got upset and said something he didn't like you were sent to your room, spanked, or whatever. And if your anything like me you felt that --well I'm an adult their the child they need to 'listen' well your right but are we 'listening' to them? I wasn't and I am still constantly working on this! When I have days that I'm always on my boy about something -- I eventually have to take a step back and re-evaluate what I can do to help!! Often my argument with my oldest is to "quit ____" with your brother! Now often if I just took the time to play a little or take the little one out of the situation and show him something else -- the problem is fixed. Ok so I hope I'm not rambling too much and that this makes sense. Basically, just try ignoring -- and really looking at what is setting her off (like is she need something and your just not quick enough for her).

On another side note: I personally was sooo sick of my little ones "whining" and not seeming to play independently as much as I would like to see. So wrote a "letter" so to speak of all the things I loved about my child (and the things I wanted to see -- but wrote it in present tense) for example : I love the way Garrett plays independently, I love the way you are happy, etc. You know this little action helped me to get in touch with all the things I truly enjoyed about my kids and through the thought my little one has become more independent and doesn't whine as much. But guess what when he is whining it's usually because momma isn't very Present (mind wise that is)...

i would ignore it. once she sees she gets no attention from it she may stop. good luck.

You got some pretty good advice. We are struggling with the same issues with our daughter and I tell you, I am going to use some of the suggestions that the moms posted. It's so nice to know that your child isn't the only one!!! Good Luck!

Oh you could so be me. If I may be so bold, it will get better. My middle daughter had a HORRID 4th year - HORRID. I found myself crying myself to sleep more often than not - I found myself crying to my mother that I didn't even 'like' this child. How could a mother feel this way? Well sometimes we do - and there are moms who may not be able to relate and that's OK. She would have tantrums that would last for HOURS - 20 mins was a blessing (I'm not in ANY way trying to make your trials seem minimal - but after weeks of 2 hr tantrums in a 2 bedroom trailer while dh worked nights - 20 mins was a blessed evening in my house). The only thing (IMO) you can do is pick something - and go w/ it. It sounds as if she is much like my child and if so - it's just time. That is maddening but it's what I experienced. We still have the problem w/ the "I'm stupid" when she gets upset w/ herself and she will even hit herself but overall is growing beyond that. School helped a lot w/ her - the other two girls did just fine before school but I suspect my middle is of an above average intelligence and home was just plain boring and not stimulating enough. Also I've found that having the girls in church/youth group has helped tremendously because it gives them #1 an understanding of just how unique they are and it also gives them a greater understanding (and a creator to be responsible to) of their 'responsibilities'. If she doesn't have them already I'd give her some little jobs around the house - and play it up like you 'need' her help. My little one can often seem very selfish but is really very other motivated when she sense's it's really needed - if that makes sense. I have lot's more thoughts but you've recieved several bits of advice. You can always contact me for more info if you'd like... Hang in there it does get better.

I think that this is a phase. For example, when my nephew was 4-5 he said bastard all the time! This was extremely embarrasing for not only his parents, but for the entire family. He heard it on a television show and just kept repeating it until he "wore it out". His parents did stop letting him watch that show and also stopped making a big deal out of the word. Eventually he stopped getting the attention from using the word and stopped using it on his own. I have a 5 month old baby girl and I dred the day I have to go through this :)

Good luck and don't EVER think your a bad mom! I don't know you, but I'm sure you're a terrific mother - everyone needs a little help sometimes :)

J.

I hope some of my advice can help as I am a teacher with a specialty in behavior modification. The most important thing to keep in mind is that in order to effectively change any behavior, you have to understand WHY she is doing it. Going on just what you wrote, it seems like it could be for attention. If she has picked up on the fact that the word really bothers you and will get your attention, that may be her motivation. If that is the case, giving her additional attention for saying it will NOT reduce the amount that she says it (even negative attention in the form of punishments or corrections,etc is still attention). You might try extinguishing the behavior by ignoring. This is balanced out by lavishing on the praise every time she doesn't use the word. You said she is very intelligent so you would start by sitting her down and explaining what words are not acceptable in your home and giving her alternatives to say when she is mad. Then when a situation arises where she says "idiot", just turn your back on her and completely cut off all attention - don't talk to her or address her for any reason. You can explain later that "I don't like to talk to other people who use such ugly words. I only like to talk to people who can use kind words." To follow up, in ANY situation where she becomes frustrated and does NOT use the word, you can scoop her up and lavish the attention on her for making such a wonderful choice, hugs, kisses, extra rewards, treats, etc. By making such a big deal over her NOT saying it and cutting off communication/attention when she does, it raises the incentive for her to stop using it.
You do need to be prepared that when you are trying to extinguish ANY behavior with kids that they are doing for attention, for the first week or 2, the behavior may actually get worse as she tries to test you to see if you are really serious. I tell parents all the time to expect an increase before you see a decrease and that this does NOT mean it isn't working - it actually means you have struck a chord with her and she is fighting back. It means you are on the right track and have to stick to your guns. If you can stick out the increase, the decrease will come with lasting power. You will have made a lasting change and empowered her to seek out positive consequences instead of settling on the negative consequences as the source of her attention.
I hope this helps you out - good luck!

I don't know if you are a Christian or not, or what your religious beliefs are but all behavior (unless there is some mental problem) all comes down to a heart issue and so her heart issues need to be dealt with in addition to you disciplining her. Kudos on spanking by the way, I think that is a great form of discipline, very biblical.
I don't know if you know what I mean by a heart issue but my husband and I have a VERY strong willed 1yr old and have learned a lot from two people the first is a guy named Tedd Tripp who wrote a book called "Sheparding a child's heart" it is a very very good book that starts with the infant stage up to teenagers, unlike any parenting book or advice I have ever read, it is wonderful.
The second resource that we have taken advantage of is a guy named Mark Driscoll, he has 5 children 11 and younger and is a pastor at a church called Mars Hill in seattle WA. Mark is a young guy (around 35 I think, so kind of young for a typical pastor I guess) He is super cool and very smart, loves the Lord and has an abundance of parenting advice and knowledge. He preached through the book of Proverbs which if you are not familiar has much information in regards to children and parents. Mark has sermons on discipling, instructing, and a couple others that I cannot remember the names of.
If you go to marshillchurch.com (there is a mars hill in Grandville MI, this is not the one, it's the one in Washington) when you get there to to "I am new here" and then there is a link to the media library and there you will find the sermons on a number of different books of the Bible and different topics. They will be under children I think.

I hope this helps. It may seem like a complicated answer with some work involved but that is what parenting is all about, it's hard work but it pays off well :-)

B.

Oh I remember the days. My wonderful, well adjusted, 19 year old was Miss Srong Willed! My grown daughter is smart, has leadership capabilities, makes great decisions, and know her values and mind. Its great now... but it was hard growing up. You have gotten wonderful advise. Take time each day to thank the Lord for the qualities that HE has put in this special child.
Speak a blessing over your daughter each night. (Out loud, so she hears it...It can be the same thing each night, repition is good)
Find time to get away and get perspective. One of the best things I did was to go each year with s few friends to the "Hearts at Home" Conference. It was a two day conference with speakers, drama, etc... all geared to stay at home moms. I learned... I am not alone... other moms have the same struggles I do... and I took home great advise and picked up great books to help me in areas I was struggling. I highly, highly recommend this to anyone who is, or wants to be, a stay at home mom.

Blessings to YOu

C.
A mom who's been there!

Hi N.! I have a very strong willed little girl too and they can be very difficult sometimes. Don't beat yourself up for being frustrated - it just comes with the territory! My daughter is now almost 7 yrs old and she still has the same strong will. She listens a lot better now though, especially since we usually take her most prized priviledge (T.V.) when she doesn't. What I did when I was in your situation was to say, "You need to stop using that word." Then I would ignore it for a while. Then a little while later if she was still saying it, I would say "you need to stop using that word." I think that one key is to use an even tone and never ever show that you are upset, irritated or angered in any way by what she is doing. It is a really hard thing to learn, but kids are looking to push your buttons (especially at 4)....Ignoring bad behavior is sometimes the best thing you can do to make it go away. Good luck!

I also have a very strong willed daughter who talks back to me or groans in frustration to me when I won't let her do something. Whenever she does this I send her to her room for a timeout, but with no time attached to it. I tell her that she is a child and I am the Mom (or Dad) and that it is not acceptable for her to talk to me disrespectfully. I tell her to go into her room and when she decides to talk to me properly, then she can come out of the room. I also make her apologize to me so that it reinforces the message that she has done something wrong. By enabling her to make the decision to change how she is talking to me, I think she feels like she still is somewhat in control. She is in charge of when she is going to make the decision to talk properly to me - instead of me being in charge of when she can get out of her timeout. It is amazing how quickly she changes how she speaks to me. And trust me I don't think she has ever been in her room longer than a minute or two.

Also maybe talk to her teacher about discussing with the preschoolers words that they are not allowed to say. My daughter had this done several times in her class when kids were using words like stupid and idiot. Then my daugther would come home and discuss it with me. It was helpful because then the message that I was giving my daughter (that these are not nice words and that only adults can use them even though they are not nice words)was being reinforced by an authority figure other than Mom and Dad. I also told my daughter that she is allowed to ask me if a word is okay to say without her worrying about whether or not she will get in trouble. Then if the word isn't okay for her to be saying, she knows that she is no longer allowed to say the word.

Hi N., I also have a strong willed soon to be 4 year old. Have you tried some positive reinforcements? Like if she does not use bad language all day she could earn a star or a small treat. If that does not work how about taking away a favorite thing after a warning. That seems to work for my kids. If they know they are going to lose a privilege, they will straighten up. Hope that helps. And good luck.

Question! Have u ever really asked her where she heard the word (idiot)? Does she even know the meaning of the word, have u asked her if she knows what it means? Possibly one way she might cut out using it is every time she says it she has to mark a line, or . on a calendar then at the end of every day before going to bed she has to count how many marks she has representing the word usage and she has to give u a toy for every mark !! Pretty soon she wont have many things left to play with?! Let her know she can earn them back with proper behavior! Good luck and dont give up on her ! It could even be something that has happened to her at preschool, perhaps another child has made fun of her for what ever reason or u mentioned she is smart maybe she is more advanced then alot of her classmates and isnt fitting in the crowd , so she feels like she needs to act up and call herself that so other kids will like her? I would approach the preschool teacher alone and see if she has info u could use!

I too had a very strong willed little girl and was at my wits end as to how to deal with her. There is hope and today she is a wonderful (although still stong willed) 30 year old woman. My biggest help came from reading the book, "The Strong Willed Child" by James Dobson. He has some wonderful suggestions and I found most of them helpful. I was also able to get some help from Dobson's book entitled, "Love must be Tough". While this second book was more about the marrage relationship, we were able to incorporate some of the principles from it into our discipline in her teen years.

My main recomendation would be to stay very consistant. Whatever your rules, stick to them. Also, have lots of patience and love. A strong will can be a wonderful quality in adults, but can be very difficult in a child. Do your best to steer her will in a positive direction. Good luck!

My advice would be to ignore it, she may be using it to get attention, especially with a younger sibling in the house, sometimes even the negative attention is what they go for, and it sounds like she gets alot for using these words. You also might try telling her you don't understand her when she says those words, to try to find different words. I've had alot of success with that one. I'm a mom of 6, ranging in age from 24 to 12, only 1 boy among them, so been through alot with my girls lol. I've found when they find something that gets a response out of mom and dad, they are much more likely to repeat it.

I would talk with the preschool teacher to see if there's anything going on there that's prompted this.
Secondly, make it crystal clear that you set the rules and guidelines, not her. And that you aren't going to tolerate her choice of words. find a time out place for her to sit every time it happens.
And reassure her that someone as precious as her is surely not an idiot, no matter if other kids might be calling her that. That she's loved and it hurts you when she uses these words against herself and you.
You can always try the money jar. Fill it up with some choice coin and every time she mouths off, take one out of hers and put it in yours. Especially if she'd like to use the coins for a reward toy or something.

As everyone else has said ignore it at this age. Both my boys had picked up a word or two I did not want them to use the first time I heard them I would explain it is not a nice word and from there on out I would ignore it in about a week the word was gone. You need to know how they handle it in preschool I would bet there is another child calling her those names and they hurt her feelings so she is lashing out at you. I have found very few teachers preschool and above correct children in the use of those particular words which drives me crazy. I have worked hard on teaching my boys (17 and 8) not to use those few words because they can be so hurtful to other people. I have tried to explain to my youngest he is not stupid because at 6 he started to call himself stupid his half sisters and cousins on his dads side were calling him stupid (one still does) when we were married that word was not allowed. That is one word I hate more than sware words because it is so powerful. I try hard to fix it by saying you are not stupid and I know you can do it and all you can do is try your best. It has helped but stupid, idiot and butthead in my house will get you in more trouble than sayin a four letter word.

Ah yes....she knows your buttons and how to push them. You are doing "the dance" and the only way to stop is to walk away. I have a brilliant strong-willed/spirited child as well. I bought a book from Amazon about Raising your Strong-Willed Child (or something to that effect) that helped me realize that my guy needed very clear, direct communication from me that gave no wiggle room for misinterpretation (or he'd find a way to interpret it to his liking).
This behavior needs to stop now because your 1 year old little sponge-child will absorb it as well and then you'll have two on your hands.
I tried timeouts and other methods of discipline as well and the only thing that really worked for me was telling my son that when he was finished with his tantrum I would talk to him AND THEN WALK AWAY.
Now my son still hits on occasion (he usually doesn't mean it when he hit me, but sometimes his exuberance gets the better of him). His father hits him back (setting an example of "how would you like it?") but I FINE him - taking away money depending upon the severity of the hit. This cured him of hitting me quite quickly, but he still hits his dad - gee, who has the more effective approach?
Hang in there - when your daughter stops getting the attention she should stop (or find other buttons to push-hehe). It's an on-going merry-go-round which I imagine will end sometime around when she moves out!
And finally, you are NOT a horrible mother to love your daughter so much and yet not like her actions. I tell my son exactly that - "I love you but sometimes I don't like the way you act." "I love you but I am too mad at your actions right now to be with you. Please give me some time." That reinforces that no matter what they do, you still love them.

As a "older" mother of 2 strong-willed boys, now ages 20 and 8, they too picked up less than desirable words, I believe from both television AND preschool/daycare. This is what I did and it seemed to work. I would ask them if they knew what the word they were using meant. Most of the time they didn't, so we would get out the dictionary and look it up. Then together we would think of a "nicer" word. I explained to them that it was OK to get upset with themselves, others, etc. but that they could "vent" in a nice way. But, it didn't happen overnight, it took some time for them to come around, but I was persistent. But, it finally worked. You will both need patience, AND persistence. Now I find my 20 year old applying the same thing to his 8 year old brother when they are together. Good Luck and God Bless.

D.

Hi, My son is 14 now and has always been very strong willed. He also would say how stupid he was if something he did was wrong. The only think I can say is to pick your battles. For example, when my son was three, he would only wear Mickey mouse shirts....nothing else. Rather than fighting with him we made a rule. he had four Mickey Mouse shirts that he could wear all the time except for church where I picked the cloths. This went on until he was five so you can imagine all the photos etc have him in Mickey. He finally outgrew it, it wasn't the end of the world and now he dies of embarassment if we look at photos. It is important to try to make her feel good about the decisions she makes. For example, if she wants ice cream for breakfast, give her a little on her waffle or in a smoothie or somehow. I know others will disagree with me but when you have a strong willed child, you have to learn not to sweat the small stuff. For important stuff, then we did set group rules and discipline

I know you got plenty of good advise on this already, but I just wanted to add something not mentioned too much. I also have a daughter that has put us through the ringer, she's almost 5 now, and still as daring as ever. I have always made it very clear when i don't want her using a word, and luckily, she's pretty good at listening. the latest one is duh, and before that it was do do head. Anyway, back when she was 3 I was letting her watch spongebob and some other Nick cartoons and I noticed how aggressive she was just after watching. After looking more closely at what messages are being sent in these cartoons, I quickly switched to strictly PBS shows. This made an amazing difference in her behavior and now we've found Noggin which is the kindler, gentler side of Nickelodeon. It might just seem like entertainment for kids to us, but we have to realize that they are learning about life from these cartons. They absorb everything they watch and what THEY see is what YOU get. Try changing what kinds of things she's watching along with all the other great advice below. They're all right about ignoring it, she's saying it cause you've given her this power to disrupt your whole day just for saying one word. Gracefully take back the power in the situation and she'll learn the limits she's testing. Stay strong, it's good to have someone in your life that keeps you on your toes. Good luck!

I so know how you feel! My daughter gets so bossy, I take a second look at how I speak just to make sure it's not from me. I try to explain food choices w/ how they'd effect her body. No you can't have a jelly bean (thank you grandma - Love her, but I'm such a hippy, we have a no high fructose corn syrup rule) for breakfast. Theres to much sugar, sugar effects like body like..., do you think thats a good choice?
My cousin moved to TX, there kids have to say Yes Mam, No Mam when there sassy. And I have to say that and explaining why it's not polite to say such and such really works. Your daughter could have easily heard it at the grocery store. Mine picked up "Damage" with a foot stomp, from Daddy,"O Shit" was a good one from my Dad. I just explain why it's not polite/bad manors, and make a point to say O shucks next time I do something wrong. Soon were laughing at O Shucks, and the O word is replaced. We also make a point to model the manors we ask for.
I also don't mind her questioning me about the way things work, as I choose to think of it. I don't want to train her to be obedient. We talk about her "adjustments", logical or not. And aging how my plan is efficient, or what changes we can make. I do however have to draw a map of why we didn't shop zig zag today. But she's not as sassy any more either. I like to think it's something like personal will/power thats developing. It just needs to develop politely.
We have the bouts of crying sort of tantrums. Some times she just needs to work through it, and I remind her I'm here when she needs a hug. Also give her ways to get positive attention. Like please don't do .... if you need attention just ask. Mama I need some attention please. Most often she's hungry, and getting cranky from it.
Hope any of that helps.
A. H

I also have a strong willed almost 4 year old daughter.

There is a book called Try and make me! from Ray Levy, PH.D and Bill O'
Hanlon It is in the process of helping me with the power struggles with
Abby. It was suggested by Abby's school. One of the teachers used it with
her son. I bought it used off of amazon for $4.

For the bad word we explained that they are ugly and hurtful. But when she
acts up I send her to her room and she can throw a fit and say stupid all she wants. We let her know that her room is her special room to vent. I know it is difficult and nothing is cut and dry. After she is done she has to say she's sorry before she can come out of her room and she always says she's sorry for saying the bad
words. But the book will help a lot. It is about defiant children but they
explain what they consider defiant in the book. It is a great book.

Hi N., I think so far you're doing a great job. Sometimes it's harder on us than the child when it comes to punishing them. My daughter is 4, very strong willed, very intellegent, and very verbal. I often think that children who are on the 'smarter end' (and forgive me for sounding snooty there) have a hard time expressing themselves other than in an obnoxious way because their lil minds are going so fast. I too struggle with the naughty words, especially aimed at me. She'll often yell 'you're stupid' at me. It's earned her timeouts, trips to her room, spanks, soap - you name it. She recently started in with trying to come up with personal insults towards me and her daddy such as you're fat, you're ugly... I tried during a calm time to explain that hurts feelings- but it's almost like until they've had their feelings hurt they don't grasp all of it. So (as mean as this sounds) one day she was mad that she couldn't have 8 cookies and she told me I was ugly.. SOOO I said - YOU have ugly hair!!!!! She burst out in tears, to which I immediately hugged her and told her I only said it to make her see how much she had hurt my feelings too. I reassured her I didn't think any part of her was ugly and that mom didn't really feel that way towards her. That put an end to the insults coming from her. Once and a while she'll slip and I just remind her of what she felt like when her feelings were hurt.

Hope I don't sound too mean there. Good Luck!

It sounds like she is doing this for attention and she see's how much it pushes your buttons (smart girl). I too have a strong willed 4 year old and some days are constant battles and others we get along great. When my daughter starts to do something negative to get attention I try to ignore it. I tell her I don't like her behavior and that I will be happy to talk to her once she is acting nice. If she carries on I send her to her room and tell her once she is ready to be nice she can come out and talk to me. I know the feeling of being emotionally drained by the end of the day. Hang in there this is most likely a phase and she will move on to something else to push your buttons. Haha.

Try doing the opposite of what she expects. When my daughters say "I hate you" I calmly say "That's okay, you can hate me... But I love you and there is nothing you can do about it." With the words like idiot or stupid or butt head I might calmly but quite seriously say, "Who are you calling ________?
Are you saying that to me? Well, I am not a ___________. I am very smart. Then turn on my heal kind of snooty like, as if to say I don't waste my time with people that talk to me that way. Then I say nothing, and wait. She will try to get me to look at her. I give in and tell her, "I don't let anyone talk to me that way and you shouldn't let anyone talk that way to you either. We deserve better than that, don't you think?" I ask for an apology and I tell her I will always love her no matter what she does or says, and I could never stay angry at her for very long. If she is saying it about herself, I have been known to say matter of factly. "I don't let people talk to my daughter that way. It took me 9 months to make her and she is very important to me. I had better not hear you putting her down again." I can see the wheels spinning in her head. I get the look a dog gives you when you talk to them, when they tip their head sideways. It seems to defuse the problem and take the power out of their words. They don't get the reaction they are looking for from me. It makes them think. Don't overreact. Its like the tot that bangs his head on walls. We're supposed to say, "That's a silly thing to do." and walk away. They quit because they don't get the response they are looking for and end up feeling silly alone in the room banging their head. We just need to take the fun out of it. Best of luck.
K.

I won't pretend to be an expert on this issue, but I think that something else is bothering your daughter. Since she hasn't stopped this behavior no matter what punishment you've tried, it seems that she may be acting out. They say that kids will do whatever they can for attention, even and unfortunately, negative attention. I noticed that you have a one year old boy, and I was wondering if maybe your spirited little girl might be feeling a little less important now days and trying to get your attention. I would try having some one on one intimate conversations with her to find out what's bothering her. Maybe she needs more time with you or daddy or maybe she is just confused about how your relationship may have changed with her since the new baby and she doesn't know how to deal with it. I had a niece who went through the very same thing when she was 3 years old and her baby brother was born. She absolutely loved her new baby brother, but she started acting out and nothing could make her stop. Finally, her mother took her to a counselor to talk. She ended up confessing that she felt left out and didn't understand why things were so different after the baby. She wasn't sure how to get mom and dad's attention when she needed it and she felt they didn't have as much time for her because they were so busy now. It was so sad for my sister to hear her say those things. She had spent plenty of time with my niece, so why was she so upset? They had to set up a better system to spend time together. Mommy, daddy, and big sis. It was especially important for her to get the one on one time with each parent...without baby brother sometimes. I wouldn't have thought it would bother my little niece so much, but it did. I hope this advice and story helps. Good luck and God bless!

Who is she calling the idiot - herself or is she calling you the idiot? I hate to ask that question, and you may have to ask her to be sure. It may be that she is using it out of disrespect towards you, or disrespecting herself. Either way, she needs to understand that she needs to respect you and herself more than that. I know that we had a similar phase with our 4 year old daughter. She would hit herself and say she was bad. What we did is after she calmed down, we would talk to her. She seemed to understand better when she wasn't upset. It took a couple weeks to get through it - but we did. You may want to wait for her to calm down, and then talk to her about the behavior and words. You may get further that way than punishing her. She may see you saying no as a punishment of sorts, and then when you punish her further for saying idiot she just keeps going. The more you punish the longer she goes. I wouldn't say ignore it, but instead calm her down and then talk about it. Hope this helps.

My strong willed daughter is now 33 and wonderful. Negative attention or response will make matters worse. Discipline calmly, firmly. The time out idea was perfect with adding the minutes. But try not to get excited over this. She is so testing you. My daughter tested me right through Middle School. She is now my blessing.

Hi N.. First, I just want to say that I do KNOW how you feel. I have 2 girls and 1 boy. My middle child is the daughter that has challenged me beyond belief! And many times I have said that I really want to enjoy her, but she exhausts me and at times I don't even feel like I like her! She will be 9 the end of this month. Don't be discouraged, it is getting much better. I had the awesome opportunity to see a lady while living overseas that really helped me. She said that every child is either auditory, visual, or kinesthetic. This is concerning how they take information in and process it. Well, I was very surprised to find out that she was kinesthetic which means that she feels everything! Something as simple as touching her arm while giving her instructions and hugging her and pulling her close which I'm sure you do, but at so many times I don't feel like hugging her and have to make an effort which then feels wonderful for both of us. I have read almost every parenting book under the sun trying to figure her out! If you can find a book that addresses this aspect of her personality, it may be very helpful. I would also love to read one. Let me know if you find one. I realize that she is just very different than me. My oldest daughter is much easier and very similar to me which only magnifies the contrast. I'm sorry I can't think of any great advice right now, but I really wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Hang in there. If you have XM Radio, you should call Dr. Robin on the Oprah & Friends channel. She is awesome with advice!
Take care and good luck.

Stand firm, dear! She is testing you and doing exactly what she knows you don't like. Your only choice is to (lovingly) show her that YOU are the parent and she simply must follow the rules. If you are sure that she is getting proper attention and positive influences, then you just have to stick to your guns. Keep adding a min. for each offence, I think that's a good idea...eventually, she'll see that you are serious and she'll get pretty tired of time-out!
~L.

PS If if makes you feel better, my son walked around saying 'chicken parmagana'(sp?) over and over and over for days...just stuck in his head, I guess. Maybe its just stuck in her head, too!

I am in the same situation you are with my 3 1/2 year old son. I think the only thing you can do is to be consistent with your discipline and continue to let your daughter know she is behaving incorrectly. I have also tried talking to my son about proper behavior when he and I are getting along and cuddling. Lately it seems that we are always "fighting" which is me disciplining him for bad behavior. I have a girlfriend who also has a son the same age and she is going through the same thing. So, I think the kids are testing us to see if we will give in and let them mouth off or misbehave. So, we have to be good parents and not give up! We just have to remember who is boss and be strong. I am also verbally praising my son when he actually listens to me and does what I ask without putting up a giant fight. That way he will learn good behavior gets rewards and bad behavior gets discipline. Good Luck!

My son sounds a bit like your daughter! We tried everything you have too, but with little to no success. Along with everything you did, our son would scream at the top of his lungs repeatedly!!! So I started telling him that everytime he screamed I was charging him $5.00, because it would really hurt my ears and head. That ended that REAL fast! =D

We finally just started ignoring him when he says a word we don't like, or there has been a few instances he's picked up a swear word from a computer game =(, I just explained to him we don't use language like that, and it's not a very nice thing to say!
There was also a Spongebob episode where he was using a swearword over and over (sounded like a dolphin squeal LOL) and I reminded him what happened, and he seems to understand, he'd say, "Oh ya!" and that would be the end of it.

If she's just saying idiot or stupid, try ignoring her when she does it, and see if it makes a difference, sometimes I think they know they'll get some attention (whether good or bad!) if they keep up a habit they know we don't like.
Also, she's 4, it's definitely a phase she's going through! My son is 5.5 and we had to go through the SAME thing.... seemed like he'd NEVER grow out of it!!!

Good luck, and hang in there! =)

She certainly is spirited, isn't she? To me it sounds like she has discovered she can get a reaction from you when she says that "bad word". Have you tried ignoring her when she says it? If you let her know you disapprove of that word, then pretend you can't hear her when she says it, she might stop the power struggle. When my daughter (who is a spirited 5 year old) says something she isn't supposed to say, my husband and I will look at each other and kind of make light of it by saying something like: "Did you hear something? I think I might be going deaf because I saw Khalan's (my daughter) lips move, but I didn't hear anything." And then she'll usually giggle and choose an alternate word or make her request without whining, etc.

As an aside, though, I would strongly discourage anyone from using soap in the mouth for any purpose. Soap actually slows the heart, and can be fatal if enough is ingested.

I know how you feel not liking your own child some days. I was just talking with a co-worker about this the other day. We were chuckling about how some days we'd just like to trip them (not really, of course). You are not alone in feeling this particular frustration. But hang in there, I've heard that spirited youngsters mean better-behaved teenagers. This is the one hope I cling to!
M.

Hello, I too have a 4 yo daughter who is very strong willed and she went through a phase of saying "I hate you", to make it short, we punished for weeks with no impact on her. Then I decided to ignore it, as hard as it was every time she said it i just completely ignored it, and at times her for a couple of minutes. After a couple days she never said it again. Hope this helps!!!!

Hi N....
You are NOT a bad mother and don't you EVER think that! Being a parent is the hardest job in the world...
After reading your help note..It sounds to me she may be saying that word for attention, even though you are at home with her and feel she gets attention. How did she react when her little brother showed up? Could she be jealous of his "good" attention? So, any attention Neg or Pos that she gets would okay with her. By the sounds of it she seems to get your attention all day with this word.
If you stop giving her attention when she says that word, she may just stop saying it.
Hope this works!
K. B in Michigan

It is not a phase. She has learned what all children learn, how to manipulate and gain attention. She knows it is irritating to you so she continues. Try doing the opposite. Reward her every half hour to an hour that she uses kind words. Create a visual reward chart, show her what you are looking for stated in the positive (using kind words), and reward her immediately at that half hour time. Love and Logic program and (PMTO)Parent Management Programs are the best parenting strategies on the market.

I think you are doing a great job and doing a lot of right things. Keep doing them. I do think she will grow out of it if you continue to deal with it. My middle daughter was a strong willed girl. She had quite the temper and I remember once she broke a brush out of anger. I am a believer in spanking, however for this daughter is just didn't work. She really became numb to it for some reason. Bedroom time outs worked best. This daughter now is 28 years old a nurse and a lovely person so as you can see she did eventually grow out of it. Also when she is being good give her a lot of attention. It is very important to give focused attention especially when she is talking to you, look at her straight in the eyes and this communicates to her that she is important. Good luck!

Hi N.,

I sent a repsonse, very similar to this one, to another mom with a similar problem.

I have been through every aspect of this, more than once (my children are 14, 11, and 7), so I offer these suggestions, which may or may not work for your situation, but are worth a try.

First, the reasons for this could be many, her age, her personality, her reaction to her sibling who is now developing a personality of his own (and getting attention of her own that doesn't revolve around simply taking care of his needs).

My suggestions to you is to remain calm. This is the most difficult part of the whole thing (it is really hard not to react), but if you come unraveled every time she throws a fit, then you are both in the same boat. Someone has to be in control, especially when the other person is so out of control.

Next, let your action fit the behavior. If she is using bad words, simply say that you cannot hear ANYTHING that she says when she uses words like that. She will have to repeat what she is saying, minus the bad words, if she would like you to hear and respond. If whe is using the bad words about herself, try to discuss it with her at a time shen she isn't having a meltdown. Try to find out if she's just saying it to get a rise out of you, or if she really feels that way about herself. Part of this may be about her intelligence, and her expectations of herself. She may be expressing frustration over her own limitations. (She probably wants to be able to do everything that you can do, and gets frustrated when she can't.)

If she is throwing a fit, let her know that you'd be happy to talk to her, once she pulls herself together, and walk away, if you are at home. In public, remove her from the situation, and explain that she cannot return to this place, whatever it is, the store, a restaurant, playgroup, etc., until she can control herself, and then DON'T GO for a week or so. Then try again, reminding her of this as a second chance. If she does it again, extend the time of not going. Repeat as long as necessary.

These things are really hard to do, because they sometimes require you to give up something that you want to do...be at the store, or a restaurant, or just have some time to do something for yourself. It probably won't work instantly, consistenty is the key. Once she realizes that you're not wavering, she will have to change her behavior in order to get what she wants.