Help Its My Husband&kids

J.,

I did go through this and it was some of the worst times of my life. I married my son's soccer coach because he seemed like such a good father and family man. He had two children, who lived with him most of the time and I had one son. The children were all close in age and got along pretty well.

Shortly after we were married, my husband began to pick on my son for any little thing, including eating too much food. His daughter was overweight, he considered his son perfect and my son didn't and still doesn't have an ounce of fat on his body. Both boys were very athletic and the girl was sort of a couch potato. They were teenagers and they ALL ate a lot of food. Our grocery bill was high, but $$ was not an issue for us, we both had very good incomes. He once accused my son of "stealing" cereal! I told him in the kids presence that the kids were free to eat any food in our house within reason and that he better never accuse my son of taking food again!

We argued a lot about the kids and many other things and like your husband, he would cry and apologize and things would get a little better. The straw that broke the camels back was one day he said to me, "I just don't like Paul." I packed and left that house and we NEVER looked back. Marrying that man was the WORST mistake I have ever made.

Your husband should NEVER put your children's father down, nor should he be cursing at them or you. I don't think children should be disrespectful either, but I can understand why your daughter spoke back.

I believe your children's welfare should come first. Your right, no one is perfect, but he's a grown man and has no right treating you or your children like second class citizens or abusing them in anyway...emotionally or physically.

I will pray for you and your family.

Blessings.....

Your kids may not be perfect (mine aren't either), but he's supposed to be an adult and he clearly isn't behaving like one. Calling a 15 yr. old a bi***- seriously? IMO for the sake of the kids, get rid of this guy.

If he has issues with your ex then he needs to discuss with you WITHOUT YOUR KIDS BEING ABLE TO HEAR! I recognise that teenagers can be difficult, mouthy and irrational - is your husband a teenager? He needs to man up and learn to be an adult (maybe a parenting class for him and/or family counseling for all?)

Only you know if this is fairly isolated (maybe he had reached breaking point with her and snapped) or if his attitude toward your kids is an ongoing thing. If it is ongoing then he needs to be going... out the door.

Good luck.

If your husband can't be an adult and a role model for your children, give him the boot. Put your children first because they are yours for life unless you REALLY screw things up (it takes work, but it can happen). Perhaps family counseling would work to help blend your family and get hubby to understand what's appropriate and not. If he's not willing, there's your answer.

My man and my sixteen yo and I have been through a little bit of this. Ultimately I know my man is a good person, we have decided to try really hard to be a united front when it comes to parenting. I have made it clear to my son that my man is my choice as a life partner and that he is an adult, and is to be respected no matter what he things of him. But i also have let my man know that my son is one of the most important things in my life along with him and the baby we have together and that I expect him to treat my son as he would treat the son we have together. It is a work in progress. But I'm happy for the efforts of both of them. There should be no name calling and IF it happens apologies need to be made. We need to show our children respect if we expect them to learn to respect others. It is sort of strange/immature of him to be jealous of your time with your kids. It's not like he didn't know you had kids before you got married! If your priorities and his are not the same-why would you want to be with him??

No one is ever allowed to call your children these names, especially your husband.

I would have a really difficult time no kicking his butt right out the front door. Maybe even worse.

IF you feel you want to stay in this marriage, go to therapy, insist your husband also go with you and then you all need a family therapy session or 2 or more.

I agree that his reaction seems so over the top. I am wondering what else is going in there,.

Follow your mommy heart and brain. It is your safety alarm. If you feel there is something going on, or does not feel right, follow that and figure it out.

Pull your daughter aside and let her know you will never allow ANYONE to ever treat her like this and you are going to deal with stepfather. Then you
and your husband need to have a conversation.. not at home... and ask him what exactly is his problem.

I have had a lot of issues with my stepfather. I try to just avoid him as much as possible.. He is just not my cup of tea and I feel uncomfortable around him. I have been very honest with my mother and she has spoken with him. We are polite with each other, I am respectful of him, but he knows he is not my favorite person.

I'm sorry, but it sounds like you have a choice to make.

I'd ask.......... is he a good husband? does he support you emotionally? Does he treat you like you are smart? Or is he critical? If your relationship with your husband is a good one (and only you can answer this) then sit him down and tell him you cannot have two teenagers in the house. He needs to be the grown up and keep his mouth shut about your daughters father. Calling names........ that's a thing kids do, not grown adults. He needs to apologize to your daughter.

Now, I'm sure she can be a pain in the rear because she is 15! Please!!! But you and your husband can go to a parenting class together to make things better in the house.

If you think he cannot handle all this...... then again, ask yourself is he a good enough husband to hang on to? If yes, It may mean living separately until your daughter is old enough to live on her own. It may mean sending your daughter to her Dad to live.

Don't let your husband or your daughter tell you what to do. Get a little space (and perspective) and figure out what is right... on your own. You probably already have an answer in your heart.

First, you said that your "hubby always feels the need to bring up my ex" which upsets your daughter. Why did your daughter have to ask your husband to stop this? This is something YOU should have nipped in the bud a long time ago. There should be NO discussion about your children's father in front of them unless it's good stuff. That's a given in any household. If you and your husband have discussed this previously and he is unwilling to live by that rule, I think you have your answer about how willing he is to try and make your family dynamic work.

Second, I can relate somewhat to your daughter as I had a step dad from the age of 12 to 16. As a step-child, I understood that my mom loved my step-dad even though he and I didn't get along. He was jealous of our relationship. She and I had been together alone for 12 years before he came into our lives so we had a serious bond he probably didn't quite understand. Even though I didn't like him, I respected him as the man my mom loved. My step dad was a drunk though and he became physically abusive so it was very easy for me to tell my mom I wanted her to divorce him, which she eventually did. In the end, he was too immature, even when he was sober, to handle a family and my mom and he both knew it.

I can also relate to your husband's side of the equation as I have a step-son as well. I, however, have mothered my step-son since he was 3 and after his birth mother abandoned him at the age of 10, I have been his mom (which he's called me since he was 7) ever since. I always nurtured my relationship with my step-son and never acted jealous of his relationship with his dad because that's foolish and immature. I treated him as I would have my own child and loved him just the same. Your kids are older and building that type of bond is much harder, if not impossible at this point, but regardless, your husband can stop acting jealous of your time with your kids and learn to treat your kids in a loving mature way if he really wants to make your marriage work.

I don't buy the whole "your kids should come first" mentality. The truth is, when you take a wedding vow, you promise to put your spouse first, above all others. Now, that does not mean your kids are second rate citizens now or that you shouldn't defend them or take care of them or make sure they are not in harms way or that you love them any less. What that means, however, is that you should do what you can to have a successful marriage and that EVERYONE needs to learn to respect the family, not JUST the kids, or JUST the husband. What this also means is that the adults have the added responsibility to try to live by example when children are part of the equation. If the spouse is jealous and acting immature, what message is that sending the kids? As parents, we don't have the luxury of throwing a temper tantrum when we don't get our way without it making a lasting impression on our kids. Apologies are in order and counseling should not be far behind.

I would never suggest divorce as anything but a last resort because I highly value the sanctity of marriage. If your husband cannot refrain from speaking poorly about your ex and cannot handle your children in a mature and loving way, and he is unwilling to go to counseling or take a parenting classes or read some books to learn how to do this, it would seem, again, you have your answer. Good luck.

Blessings,
N.

OK here's my take, I am divorced and am the child of divorce.
1. No one should say bad things to a child about their parent no matter what the parent did! the child will always feel the need to defend the parent..! (the biggest fight I ever got in with my ex was when he bashed my mom's parenting and although i may have slightly agreed with him I didn't feel like he had the right to judge! )
2. Fifteen year old girls can be B**"s I know I was!!! and my 14 yr old sometimes is, Girls at that age have sometimes have no empathy for family members/ other people beside friends its usually all about themselves and friends etc...
3. Sometimes in the heat of an arguement things get said that you really shouldn't say and then A lot or repair work need to be done by both parties- It's hard to forget those words..
SO we all know, being a stepchild is hard/ being a step parent is hard! I think you and your husband need to have a very seriouss talk about parenting and maybe with a therapist, you need to agree that he will not bash the other parent in front of kid s (you and he can talk about the other parent together while u are alone!) .You also need to talk to your husband about allowing you to be the one who is disciplining the kids it just works out better if it is the bilogical parent an Not step parent, keeps resentment from building! You and he TOGETHER need to come up with the house rules though! and YOU need to follow through with that!!! You also need to talk with your husband about your and his relationship- and work on your intimacy. He needs to feel like you love him and he is important to you, your kids are teens so they are most likely busy with their own social lives you and your husband should have plenty or at least some time alone together to solidify your relationship. Your kids will always be your kids! they will always love you, they may not always love him but they should at least grow to respect him. Soon the kids will be out of the house and on with their own lives..you need to think about where you want to be then- do you love this man? Is your relationship worth it?

I haven't read all your responses but here is my 2 cents for what it's worth.

either marriage counseling is in order for the two of you, or things will only get worse. It wounds to me like several people are in the wrong on the given situation. Divorce may be the answer but there should be an attempt to show commitment on the part of you and your husband, you want to teach you daughter that he should not speak to her that way but you also don't want to teach you daughter to run from commitment when things get tough either. If counseling is not an option then you may have to consider separation. Speak with both your Husband and your Daughter (separately) to be sure that they both know is and is not acceptable behavior, what will be tolerated and what the consequences of their actions will be. Determine if you Hubby just made a BAD mistake and he is really trying to make changes in his life or if he is just going to continue with bad behavior thinking there will be no consequences. and in my opinion him apologizing to your daughter is very important. but in the end Abusive behavior is what it is and most abusers can not change without help.

I haven't read any responses yet, but first of all your husband sounds very immature. He shouldn't even talk about your ex in front of your daughter, let alone call her that name or your son that name.

If you are going to stay with him, you need to set some firm boundaries. There really is not reason he needs to talk about your ex, unless it's "he's on the phone, he's at the door" type of stuff. The two of you can talk in your own room but never in front of the kids. He married you and knew you had children, he needs to respect that first. Men are often jealous and want all of your time. They remember what it was like without the kids and some how thinks it should still be like that... Now, this isn't even his daughter.

I think you need to listen to your kids. He is not nice to them. You need to put their needs first. He has issues when you pay attention to your kids?? He needs to go. He talks bad about your daughter's dad? He needs to go! Pack his stuff and show him the door. Your children have to come first.

You need to divorce him. Your kids are not perfect, no kids are, but it is your job to protect them. It is not acceptable, under any circumstances, for a parent to call their child/step child a b****. He's got to go, plain and simple.

ummm, can i get so coffee here ? repeat after me, "my kids come first, not you", there sounds like there some unspoken conflict between your daughter and your husband, maybe its truly just about the childs father, maybe not. ask him point blank, "what is the problem that you have with my daughter?" "and what is this going on with my son, anyway??" there may be more going on then you know, start asking questions, big ones.a step father doesnt call his step daughter a ____@____.com unless he is either secretly attracted to her, and has the notion that she is somehow, in his mind, teasing him, or he is trying to over parent her and she cant stand the sight of him. as i said, start asking questions, big ones.
K. h.

Have a family meeting and set up some house rules that everyone agrees on. Important ones should be that there is no discussion about someone that is not there to defend themselves (ex-husband/children's dad) and absolutely no personal attacks (name calling especially). It is also important to set up regular family time so that bonds can't be built to make it a great family. We have game night where we play a board game without answering phones/texts, no TV...just good ol' togetherness. (and yes, we bribe the older ones to play by offering to let them stay up later by however long the game takes...that way they don't feel as though they are wasting their evening on us when they could be chatting with friends!)
I believe that you are caught in the middle and have a fine line you must walk, but at this point I would chose to make my children's relationship a priority for me. This would mean that they know they are just as valued as my husband. Until you and your new husband are on the same parenting team, it has to be you to call the shots on discipline and standing up for your children. And it will take a lot of work to build relationships with your children and husband, but it is worth it for the future.

GET OUT NOW. Your kids deserve better and you have all the control.

Hey Jessica, I thought you were going to take your daughter, nephew and 2 boston terriers and leave a year ago to get away from your husband AND his family! This guy is as much of a child as the children you are raising!

I would not encourage you to leave because of the kids - they are going to be gone in a few years (with any luck). If you truly love this guy, then find a way to work it out. Go to counseling - even if he won't go. Make some house rules as others have suggested. But I have a feeling that's not going to work because he is going to continue to pit you against your kids.

Your kids ahve given you grief since before you left their father; they've lived with you, gotten mad, gone back to daddy, gotten mad, come back to you. It's like a revolving door. It's easy to use the kids as an excuse (I did once), but the point is - from all your previous posts - this guy isn't working out as you'd hoped. You're not happy with him - haven't been after the first 6 months. I was hoping you wouldn't go through with the wedding in the first place since you were having 'romantic' thoughts about your ex. Something is just not right here ..... I think it's a bad match. And if you can't come to some kind of understanding, get him out. But make it clear to the kids that it's NOT because of them. If you don't, they will be ruling your life and everyone who comes into your life, whether they're living at home or not.

Good luck!
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