Help! My 2 Year Old Does Not React to Discipline!

The Pearls make me a bit nervous with some of their advice. I much prefer some of Gary Ezzo (again I do have some reservations) or I really like a lot of Dobson.

As far as the kitchen goes, I have found having a cabinet that the kids can play in keeps them out of my cabinets. Funny thing is, they hardly play with their things, either. :)

The shoe thing always annoyed me. I found it's a fairly short lived stage if you stay consistent. I'm always so thankful when the kids finally choose to leave shoes on!

Have fun! This, too, shall pass!

I too have a VERY spirited 2.5 yr old. I have found that consistency does pay off even if sometimes i want to run away sometimes because I get so frustrated. I do time outs with a timer (they say 1 minute for every year they are old). If my son is continually naughty with a particular toy, it has to be put in time out... sometimes for the rest of the day. I too believe in spanking and agree with you about it. Sometimes I even give myself a time out when I just can't seem to get thru to him. My daycare provider told me that it is very common for children of his age (especially ones that are very strong willed) to be so naughty that you feel like they are constantly challenging you. I remind my son (sometimes daily) that I am the adult/mommy and he is the child and needs to either listen to what I say to pay the consequences. Keep up the good work and know that you are doing an amazing job even if it doesn't always feel like it.

Hi Brandy - you would go absolutely crazy in my house! You've described much of my life. LOL

He isnt pushing you, I promise. He's not even being disobedient. He's being himself and doing what comes naturally to a preschooler which is doing what feels good in the moment. It sounds like he has a curious and investigative mind and is a smart and wonderful boy.

These are issues that most assuredly do not warrant a spanking because they are developmental and truly, he doesnt understand what "your" problem is. He does know that you are angry or disappointed with him, but developmentally he isnt really able to discern exactly why.

Give him limits but also give him some freedom. Give him access to a drawer or a cupboard or two that you are okay with him investigating around. Dont stress about the shoes, just give yourself a couple of extra minutes to put them back on when you get to your destination. I let go of that one when I realized I like to take off my shoes during a road trip too. His feet probably feel hot and a little swollen from hanging over the seat and he's simply more comfortable in sock feet.

Redirection is really the only way to work with a child this age. If he is getting into the utensil drawer and you dont like it, then take out a couple of safe things from your drawer that he can put into his drawer. Just say - "here you go. Momma will share with you. This is momma's drawer. That is joey's drawer" etc.

I hope that helps you enjoy your little one a bit more. Trust me, I really do know how frustrating it is - and how tiring - but hang in there! Just like the saying "there's no where to go but up" with kids, all they do is get older and more aware of what we want them to do.

Hello Brandy-

I'm a parent coach who focuses on behavior modification without punishment and the toddler years. The basis of my techniques, (I've used these techniques with children for about 10 years with great success), is that children want to do good, but WE as the adults have not provided clear directions, guidance or instructions. Also, my goal is not to get your toddler to obey, but to create a bond between you & your child which will last through the teenagehood, so when they face real life challenges, they will come to you first for guidance.

I teach my parents to first see if you’re expecting too much, is the request within the child’s developmental abilities, toddlers cannot follow complex directions. Is the child well rested and fed, a tired or hungry child simple cannot comply with instructions. Have YOU been clear in what you expect, toddlers need clear directions, they do not have the developmental understanding to anticipate your needs. Are you being consistent, if you allow a behavior one day but punish the same behavior another, not only are you providing incomplete instructions, but opening the door to arguments later.

As for punishing behavior, I believe in redirecting, education, discussion and positive statements. Redirect poor choices by offering better ones, “let’s throw the ball outside.” Educate when a poor decision has been made by your toddler, “if you want the toy ask for it, please do not hit.” Discuss poor choices & solutions for next time, “Yelling at Mommy when you want something hurts my ears, how can you get more juice without yelling?” Positive statements helps ease stressful situations, provides instructions and removes the volatile “no” word from the situation, “yes you can go outside, as soon as you eat your lunch.”

I have learned from more than 16 years working with children that punishment does not work. All punishment does is create animosity between you & your child. My techniques helps create bonds.

I hope this short FYI helps some.

R. Magby

To save your sanity, choose your battles, don't get into power struggles with a 2 year old. Does it really matter if he takes his shoes off in the car, is it hurting anyone. Let him play with some safe kitchen stuff. He sounds like he is a very curious little boy which is a sign of intelligence, don't stifle that.
Best to you

Argh! My middle boy was like this, just so stubborn! Nothing seemed to work, he screamed, threw things, wouldn't listen. I went into a serious state of depression. Ultimately here is what I did:

- First and foremost, I just calmed down - although I really didn't show much anger or lose control with him on the outside, I needed to calm down about it inside for me.

- Once I started to find my happy place inside I really started to work on picking my battles with him. For example, taking his shoes off in the car (my son did this too, drove me crazy). I decided that this was a battle to drop. Who cares if he took them off, I know how to put them back on. In fact, a lot of times I would just put him in the car with no shoes and put them on when I got to our destination. Another example, making messes, e.g., the kitchen stuff, I decided that this was only going to be a battle if he was trying to get ahold of something dangerous like a knife but realized it was fun to play with the pots and pans with spoons - so have fun.

- I also really worked on a reward or remove system. If he was doing great or listening, I would reward him with hugs or extra mommy time or even sometimes a little treat at the dollar store or piece of candy. If he was being bad, I would take something that meant a lot to him and let him scream it out on the couch (or naughty chair). For the record, this technique would not work with my other two for different reasons. All kids are different.

- Last of all, remember this is short lived, around 3 1/2 or 4 my son started to turn into a very well-behaved little boy. = )

In short, the books are great reference points but don't drive yourself crazy with them (I did that with my first son). These books do not always follow what your child is doing. Embrace who he is, love that he is challenging, this strength that he is showing will be a great asset for him later in life. And always remember, our children not only learn from our behavior but the feed off of it too. If we make a big deal out of it sometimes they just like to see you squirm and in turn do it more.

Good luck! Believe me when I say, we all understand your struggle.

Ah, yes, the TERRIFIC Two's! You have a little independent one on your hands and you will love it as you watch him grow into an assertive thinker and doer, but right now...ARRGGHH!! I fell you, been there! Here's my suggestion:

Love and Logic Institute! Go to loveandlogic.com, sign up for their daily emails and parenting solutions that keep you sane and your children in order with love and logic! They send great articles full of examples and you'll hear yourself going "Yes! That's my kid!"

Your child is testing the boundaries, nothing unusual about that; 2 is a milestone age for a little one and they start to recognize they want independence, they are capable and want to do it their way! There are changes in the way he is being expected to behave and there are changes in the way he receives the information and we mom's start to see the first real glimpses of the personality we'll be living with for many years to come. I

I never used the word "no" so I never heard the word "no" from my then-2year old. I would say "Let's do something different" or "That is not safe to do", etc. Instead of saying "Don't touch" I would model and say "Look with our eyes only; these things are not ours and we don't want to break them, so just look with out eyes" and I would put my hands behind my back and lean a bit forward, my 2 year old would mimic the same behavior. (I also used humor and alot of animation in my expression as I would tell her that I knew a little girl who looked a lot like her and was about her age and just like her she wouldn't stop doing what her mommy asked her to stop doing and, well, let's just say you should stop doing that....her eyes would get as big as saucers and she would quickly fall in line with what I needed and I would praise her for her wise choices, lol).

Additionally, I would suggest we pick our battles. Removing shoes in the car is probably as common as it gets, remember clothes are really not their thing, lol, a 2 year old would rather be in the buff, and can you blame him? So unless it's in some way hazardous, let him remove them and of course, because they grow so fast, let's make sure they aren't uncomfortable.

Part of it is he knows it pushes your buttons. Instead of telling him not to or giving him some response as a result of doing it, invite him to do it and don't react when he does. For the kitchen: kids love to be in the cabinets, banging pots and spoons together, give him things he can do in the kitchen.

Bottom line is be careful not to become the voice that is always telling him what NOT to do, the "don't do this" and "don't do that" voice that he hears constantly, there's just nothing developmentally positive in that. I don't pretend to have the answers, but I knew I wanted a child who wasn't afraid to explore because I was raising an adult who I needed to be able to venture out and explore. So, identify a little place in the kitchen that is his and where he can play with things that are safe for him to play with. Let him take the shoes off if he isn't throwing them out the window.

Good luck and don't forget...Love and Logic Institute at loveandlogic.com

At this age, choose your battles. The shoe thing is annoying so maybe take them off before he does. He is two so there are little things that will continue.
Wow no shoes to take off. Kitchen stuff, put up high. And so on. You are allowed to be creative and surprise him. It of course continues in life. He probably is testing you, pushing you. You do not need to have battles. Just realize you are able to prevent them. And then when you get Dr.Dobson's book woohoo~! let the other moms know. He was always my favorite.

Two is such a hard age!! They want to touch it all and learn so much. The best advice that I can give is try to divert his attention. My son always loved to carry some kind of a toy around with him like a hotwheel. This kept him occupied in the car and he loved it. I think at two they want to test you. Some kids are very tough. Counting worked well with my youngest son but the others looked at me like, "So what." Different children, different personalities.... Just experiment and find out what grabs his attention the fastest. Consistency is the key!! I always found that 3 was harder for me but just remember that little boy have a lot of energy that they need to get rid of.

Updated

Two is such a hard age!! They want to touch it all and learn so much. The best advice that I can give is try to divert his attention. My son always loved to carry some kind of a toy around with him like a hotwheel. This kept him occupied in the car and he loved it. I think at two they want to test you. Some kids are very tough. Counting worked well with my youngest son but the others looked at me like, "So what." Different children, different personalities.... Just experiment and find out what grabs his attention the fastest. Consistency is the key!! I always found that 3 was harder for me but just remember that little boy have a lot of energy that they need to get rid of.

Patience Bleskan has a fabulous website with articles about discipline and how the childs brain works. www.patiencebleskan.com. She helped us tremendously with our very strong willed younger child.

Some kids resond very well to discipline, some seem to just push and push and see how far they can get. I've dealt with both :)
The key is to keep going. He may be a handfull for another year or more (not what you want to hear, I'm sure). But you being consistant and loving is going to give him a sense of safety (that you love him, you're taking care of him, and things are consistant and predictable). When he's older, you'll be more able to see the fruits of your labors. My kids are now 6, 9, and 11, and finally they are (usually) obedient and well behaved. But at 2, they were definitely a handfull and it didn't seem like anything worked, especially with my now-9 year old.
Just hang in there. Sometimes there is no "short-term" improvement. Make your consequences as logical as possible, and keep going.

I have days like this too w/my boy. Sometimes it makes me really angry when he won't just sit in time out or listen. But I do like what other people have said and do agree. Pick your battles. Before it turns into a struggle, take a deep breathe and ask yourself if it really matters. I do this a lot and end up walking away from a lot of situations that really aren't worth it. I also really love Parenting with Love and Logic. I think it helps to put the ball in the childs court and helps them learn consequences to their actions. Some things are NOT ok to do and they need to realize that and can learn that even at two. I also have another parenting tip sheet that points out that misbehaving children are sad not bad. I LOVE this! I definitely notice a difference between days that I give my son a lot more attention in the mornings compared to days that I don't. If I start off the day focusing on him and giving him the time he wants, the rest of the day goes better, even if I have other things to take care of later on. Or if I notice things are getting crazy, if I stop what I'm doing and just get down and play with him, things get better. Often times he just wants attention and being naughty definitely gets him some kind of attention. W/time out our pediatrician really emphases that it's a time to withdrawal all attention from them. That they really don't like not getting attention, and when they can learn that that is what time out is, and when it's consistent, that really helps them to know their boundaries. Which also makes them feel a lot safer! When we give them too much slack or power, or aren't consistent, they don't feel safe (they're little and need structure) and they tend to act out more. I really notice a difference with this too. One more thing, my SIL told me about a book that she LOVES and really works with her children, it's called "Beyond Time Out" by Beth Grosshans. She says it tells you exactly what to do when your kids throw tantrums. I haven't read it, but it really works for her kids.

Anyway, good luck! I know things can get hard. I hope it gets better. :)

P.s. my son is 20 months, so he's around the same age. I think sometimes the only thing I can do is just to take him out of the situation as well and try not to make a big deal about it. Sometimes when I get upset or tell him 100 times I think I turn it into a game for him. I notice he does a lot better when I say to stop only once, and give him time to decide to stop, and then give him a warning and ask if he wants to go to time out. And if he still doesn't stop take him to time out. The more I talk the less he seems to listen. Then again, every day is different. Anyway, sorry if this is a lot. I just really understand what you're going through and how frustrating it can be! I hope some of this helps! :)

I am also a fan of the Love and Logic approach. My daughter (now just over 3 is very spirited and challenging). She went through her stage, but is great now. I learned to be consistent, but not to battle. Never engage in arguing or let him see you "lose it" if you can. Also pick your battles. At this age they are learning (and should be) a sense of independence. Give him choices where you can - when both choices work for YOU. It will give him a sense of independence and control. For example - would you like peas or carrots? Would you like milk in a blue cup or a green one? etc. Then when you have to put your foot down (safety issues, etc) stay very consistent and calm. If you have to let him scream it out - walk away and take away the attention. Give him more positive attention when he is doing what you like, and quick corrections or ignore him (if not a big deal) to remove the negative attention. Sometimes they do it to see how far they can go and how we'll respond. Good luck - hang in there... this too shall pass!

I am not sure if they really understand discipline just yet....what I found comfort in is the book Love & Logic.
I think he senses a reaction from you and enjoys it. He wants your attention good or bad just something from you. Maybe take a deep breath when he does those little things that irritate you and react calmly....??? maybe if he does not get a reaction and you divert his attention to something else he will stop pushing your buttons....which I am sure he is smart enough to figure that one out! good luck!
A.-soOftables

Instead of the "naughty chair", do "naughty time" and use a pack n play so he is confined and cannot get out. I did this with my son who was also very strong willed. It worked great. As he got older and could understand the concept of the concequence for his actions, and we could use a chair or rug. Good luck.

Hi Brandy!
Being consistent is the best teacher. You are probably saying "But I AM being consistent!". I believe you, but it takes time for that consistency to pay off.
One thing that I learned, that I was saying "no" to EVERYTHING. I hated the shoes in the car thing, but it really is minor and I had to decide if it was worth it to frustrate both my son and I.
Keep on saying "no" to those important things (I'm pretty firm about kitchen utensils too!) and realize that he is still learning his boundaries.

We reserve spanking for serious, open defiance, potentially harmful situations. The reason I can't stand the Pearls methods is that they use whipping for everything and actually set the child up to disobey so they can use the plumbing line on them to "Train" them. I am so glad you are open to other methods. Good job, mama!

I was just watching Dr. Phil yesterday and he said that every kid (or person for that matter!) has a currency, and its a matter of figuring out what that currency is in order to make him listen. I guess it sounds borderline like bribery, but I suppose at that age, they don't understand just doing things because it is right or wrong. They're motivated by "If I do this, then I'll make mommy happy, thus *I* will be happy" etc... I don't know how helpful that is, but it was food for thought.

Also, I have a friend who's kid was a TERROR. I hate to say that about a child, but he truly was even though I think he was a good hearted kid. He was just so restless and hyper! I think his parents tried REALLY hard to discipline him, and I could see how defeated they were by the lack of results. Eventually he just chilled out.. so perhaps it was a phase. (A long one unfortunately). Just wanted to throw that out there as a possibility. Sometimes these things take time to work itself out. However, I do agree that you should stay consistent because eventually the message will stick in his head.

I have no advice for you! Just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. Not listening is a big challenge for a 2 year old...just hang in there and try not to lose your cool...sometimes that is what they are looking for and if they dont get a big reaction it will not be as fun to challenge us! Good luck!