Help, My 3 Year Old Beats up the Baby!

There are a lot of good book on this but talk to her about her brother. Tell her that she needs to protect him and keep him healthy so they can play together when he gets a little bigger. Explain to her all of the fun things that are going to happen when he is able to walk etc. Let her help with taking care of him etc. but most of all talk to about how important the role of big sis will be to him. I know she is young but will understand a little-smile!

I am having the same problem myself. Apparently this is a very normal reaction to a new sibling but it's driving me nuts too!! I started using a reward chart for my son and it seems to have helped quite a bit. He is choosing to be nice to his sister so that he can earn stickers which, when accumulated will get him a new Thomas the Tank Engine character. It's like a rewards challenge. Hope this gives you some ideas and Good Luck.
N.

I agree with Kristin. You've got to jump on this immediately and take decisive action each and every time she does something threatening, whether or not she "means to" or whatever. Preschoolers are by nature extremely self-centered, and she does not want to stop being the baby! She knows she isn't supposed to hurt her brother, but that is not going to stop her from trying.

You've got to intervene each and every time she does this and make her sit alone in her room, away from all fun and interaction. No warnings, no threats, just a "We don't do that to Baby!" and off she goes to time out. My older daughter was almost 3 when her baby sister was born, and we went through some jealousy issues with her. I kept on her like white on rice until I knew without question that I could trust her around the baby. It will be a while before your baby can stand up for himself, so you've got to stand up for him!

Hey M.. First of all, my heart goes out to you. Not only is it hard to know your baby is being injured, but you also have the stress of your own child doing this. The stress of feeling torn between worry and frustration is so draining. After being a foster mom for 11 years and adopting 6 kids, I've seen or heard it all. I understand how hard this is and know that other parents have gone through this.

My suggestion is to reinforce the positive. Start with a very short playtime together, completely controlled by you. You, the 3 y.o. and the baby could sit on the floor to roll a ball back and forth to each other. Only do it for say 30 seconds, or shorter if need be. Compliment your 3 y.o. on how nicely she is playing, how gently she is playing and how much you appreciate her help in entertaining the baby. Make sure you sit in a way where you can quickly move the baby or block your 3 y.o. if you need to. Slowly increase the time. You will get a since for how long she can tollerate it.

The next time she is not appropriate with the baby, you remove her of course (time out or whatever you feel is appropriate). When the timeout or removal time is over, then remind her how nicely she had played with the baby and how happy it had made all of you. Ask her if everyone is happy now? Explain that the baby's not happy because he's hurt, Mommy's not happy because the baby's hurt and because she did something wrong, and she's not happy because she's in trouble.

I would also keep a chart of all the nice things she does for the baby. Everytime she does something nice for the baby she gets a sticker on a chart. Once she gets X amount of stickers she gets something that extra special to her.

I would also be very mindful of her playing with other children her age and younger. If you see a pattern of her being a aggressive, then I would seriously seek outside help. I would also seek outside help if you do not see any improvement. A good place to start is a public health nurse who you can contact through your county health department. They are free and know of all kinds of services and therapists in your area. Another place to try is your school district. I know at 3 y.o. she isn't school age, but once a child is 3 and potentially has special needs, it is your school district's responsibility to evaluate and provide services. You can ask them for a psychological assessment.

I hope this helps.

M.,
you must be a stress mess with what is going on here! I remember when my 3 yr. old son would give kisses to his baby sister and leave huge hickey marks from sucking so hard on her skin! I had to supervise his interactions with her very carefully! It is, of course, normal for pre-schoolers who become older siblings to show some resentment like that... to an extent! Your daughter is really becoming a physical threat though to her brother!!
My advice is maybe taking her to a big sister class or something like that, one that is geared for her age. A class that teaches the importance of protecting and looking out for her baby brother. Involve her more in those little things like diaper changes, feedings, ask her for her help. Make her feel involved and important to his well-being. Make her feel like she is his protective big sister who is helping to take good care of baby brother.
I think if you isolate her too much from being involved, constantly shunning her because your fearful she'll hurt him, then that is exactly what she will set out to do! I'm not saying you shouldn't disipline her immediately when she harms him, because of course she must be scolded for this, just give her another chance to be gentle and helpful. She needs to establish a loving and nurturing relationship with him, not carry on with this aggressive and destructive one!
Show her alot of gentleness and love and make sure you say things like, "I think your baby brother wants you to hold him, here on the couch, next to me. He loves to feel his big sisters gentle arms holding him!" Show her that you trust her to become more loving and gentle to him. Have confidence in her that she CAN be a gentle and kind big sister!
You have a big challenge to deal with here, but these are both your little babies who you love and so it is worth all the time to nurture their bond as siblings. P.S. How well does your little girl's older sibling treat her? I was a middle child and my older sister was constantly beating me up, physically and emotionally and I used to take it out on my poor younger sister! Hey-- it is tough to be a middle child! Good Luck -- E.

First of all, protect the baby. He cannot protect himself and it sounds as if he is in real danger from a sister who cannot control her impulses at this age. Talk to your pediatrician!!!!! Look at the interaction between the 6 year old and the 3 year old. Look at how family and the 3 yo's friends interact with her. She may need some help controlling her impulses until she is mature enough to do it on her own. Three is very young, but old enough to be able to begin showing empathy and compassion, as well as protection of a weaker child or animal. Does your daughter have a pet to nurture or focus her attentions? How does she treat it? Maybe she would like one to keep her busy and away from the baby. Does she go to preschool or play dates to keep her occupied? Sometimes the child just needs to have her own activities to divert her attention and keep her occupied. Then you can have special mommy time with her while the baby is sleeping or being cared for by dad. Protect the baby first, though. He cannot easily unlearn what she is teaching him, nor can he protect himself.

I would contact a professional and get some advise. The idea of hitting your child to teach her not to hit seems VERY backwards to me.
The best advise will come from someone that is trained in better tools on how to deal with this.

Your daughter needs some tools. She's frustrated, but doesn't know any way to express her frustration other than smacking her baby brother.

First, she needs to know that hitting is NOT ACCEPTABLE AT ALL! That means spanking/slapping/smacking her as punishment won't work. Doing that just shows her you're frustrated, too. And when mom seems out of control, a three-year-old feels even more vulnerable and the hitting will just get worse. It's an ugly cycle.

My daughter didn't hit her baby brother at that age, but she would get angry and hit me. When she did, she was marched into her room and shown other ways to express herself. I showed her how to punch a pillow and even gave her permission to scream into her pillow if she thought it would help "get the angry out." Her favorite alternative, though, was to draw a MEAN picture. I'd hand her crayons and let her go to town. She got really good at faces of little girls crying.

She'd bring me these pictures and I'd do my best to describe what I saw. "Oh, that little girl looks so sad! It can be hard to be three and have a little brother who cries a lot." Often she'd then tell me about an event that frustrated her that morning about the baby. When she did, I'd just affirm her feelings. "Wow! That sounds like a very frustrating experience! I can understand why that would make you feel angry."

Somehow, just being acknowledged made all the difference to her. She needed to share what was going on in her mind but didn't have the verbal skills to do it. Find ways to help her express herself that don't involve hitting.

Be VERY firm about not allowing hitting anymore. If it means separating her from the baby for a time by putting her in her room or even a playpen, just do it. Let her scream her brains out. When she calms down, remind her that "We don't hit - EVER!" give her a hug, and offer an opportunity to interact with her brother in a more loving way. Can she help dress him? Play peek-a-boo? Praise her like crazy when she is playing nicely with him. A little praise goes a long way.

All the best!

Hi M.. Your daughter has issues that she doesn't know how to express and she's turning towards the easiest target...the baby. First and foremost protect the baby. Second, when you and your daughter are alone, ask her to role play with you or her dolls about her anger or feels towards her little brother. Time out might work, but physical discipline may not be the choice here. You may need to break down and see a specialist to help you get to the root of the problem(s). Its obvious that there is some underlying resentment going on that she's trying to express.

Good luck.
T.

Dear M.,
I feel so sorry for your baby. The last thing a little baby needs to figure out in this world is that at any minute, someone could just walk up and slap them. For no reason.
I think your daughter DOES know why she is hitting her brother. She is angry or jealous, or both, and she thinks she is taking it out on some "THING" that she doesn't care if it hurts. It's about her and how she is feeling when she does it instead of realizing she is hurting another person.
You should come right out an ask her....."In your life, has anyone ever just walked up to you and slapped your or poked you in the eye? How would that make you feel? Would it make you feel HAPPY? Would it make you feel LOVED?"
You need to get to the bottom of this because it's not fair to your baby.

Take your daughter, just you and her, and buy her a pillow. Let her choose a thick one, a flat one, whatever she wants. And then let her pick out a pillow case. A plain one, but in whichever color she wants. Then buy some colored permanent markers. Ask her to draw her anger and what she is feeling when she hits her brother on her pillow case. It doesn't matter if she just goes crazy, scribbling all over it, if that is how she feels. Then, that is her anger pillow. And if she wants to hit, punch, poke, smother, roll around on top of something, that's what her anger pillow is for. She is not allowed to hit or hurt another living thing any more. And she is not allowed to use her anger pillow to hit or hurt anyone. If she even dares, she is on time out. The only thing I worry about with the pillow thing is that she might try to smother her brother with it, so don't leave her alone. But you have to try to channel her agression somewhere else. You cannot allow her to be womping on a helpless baby. You may need to take her to see somebody for professional help if she can't quit. But give the anger pillow a try.

I wish you the best of luck.

talk to her eye to eye and ask hey why she does it. get down on one knee and listen to her, maybe go out to a park with her and have some one on one time and see what it is from you that she needs.

Little kids aren't mature enough to know what they are doing. You just have to watch her ALL the time so that she doesn't hurt him. Keep him at a safe distance from her in his crib or wherever. There is real danger what she can do. When she's close and starts to do something bad say "nice, you have to be nice to the baby." and show her, holding her hand to touch him very softly. This WILL most likely stop as she gets older. If she sneaks in a little hurt you can always give her a little slap on the hand and say a firm NO, you don't hurt the baby. Good luck.

She may need different types of attention.

OMG I would be terrified. Go for cousling and watch her like a hawk. Maybe you can keep her busy with an activity or try to have her "help" you as much as possible so she doesn't feel left out.

Good luck,

Alli

Give her a good lick on the leg to cause some pain and in a pleasant voice (not in anger) tell her no hitting, no slapping, no lying on the baby. Repeat this as many times necessary until she stops. She WILL stop. You can follow up by saying we show love to one another and point out ways of showing love such as a hug, holding the baby's hand, a kiss or getting something for momma and for the baby...etc.

I have a 2 year old and he is very pleasant to be around and a happy toddler. We trained him this way.

Please try. Don't let her will dominate yours and her get away with her inconsiderate actions.

K.

Hi M., please don't 'lick' your daughter ~ using a 'pleasant' voice while you hit a child is a little...creepy and draconian.
I'm not surprised she says she doesn't know, b/c at this age kids are so impulsive. Here's an idea, take her hand and show her how to touch the baby gently.
* If she strikes, remind her that hitting hurts ~ and its your job to protect the baby (and her) from being hit, so she needs to find something else to do if she is going to hit the baby. she won't want to go away.
* Take away motivators. We start everyday with 4 books to be read at bedtime. Bad decisions result in books being taken away Good decisions are rewarded. We've had great success for rewarding good decisions rather than punishing bad ones.
* As a parent you need to choose whether you are going to use positive or negative reinforcement. Both will get you the same results (getting the child to do something); however, negative reinforcement (i.e. spanking) will result in fear, pain, and disrespect. Remember: you cannot demand respect, it is earned. Good luck. Give us an update.

She needs dicipline like a timeout anytime she is mean to the baby. Get down to her level and look her in the eye to tell her that she is hurting the baby then put her in timeout where she cant see the tv or have any toys. You may hasve to slap her hand to show her what hurt feels like.

There is lots of good advice that you've gotten so far, I'd just like to add...
You made no mention of how you are disciplining her when she does this. You said you asked her why she does it. A 3 year old won't know why she has the impulses that she does, what she needs to understand it that it is NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Properly done, time outs work best for this age group. If you don't do them or its not working, look up Super Nanny. She has a show that most of the time explains them in detail. She also has a book out that is very helpful. Good Luck.

This is a great opportunity to teach empathy. Very nicely ask her how she would feel if you did those things to her. Explain that babies get hurt easily so she needs to be careful for now. When he gets older, she will be able to do more with him.

Also, since she says she doesn't know why she does it, she could be looking for negative attention and she just needs to be redirected.

Usually when this happens it is jealousy, meaning, the baby is getting something she needs.
i would spend more time with her alone and give her what a baby gets; holding, rocking, joy at seeing her, making a big deal about how pretty she is or the things she likes to do, giving her things to eat, like applesauce, or fruit smoothies that are like breast feeding, nurturing and sweet(not sugar or she will associate sugar with getting her intimacy needs met). you can even try "playing baby" and wrap her up and give her a bottle. as long as you have true love for her in your heart you cannot do it wrong.
she probably just missed some steps of her development and needs to backtrack a bit to get filled in, then she will be back in her world, happy about who she is and her activities and no longer obsessed with 'the baby'.

good luck!
A.

Probably the most difficult aspect of this behavior will be for you to stay calm when it occurs. The most simple behavioral therapy I can think of for this situation is to calmly place the 3-year-old in time-out every time she hurts her brother. The time-out needs to be a period in which she does not get attention... and you can tell her exactly that. After a suitable period of time, your daughter should be free to play again. If she is gentle and kind to her brother, she should be praised and rewarded with affection. Impulse control is not the strongest suit of a 3-year-old, but it is exactly when these skills start to be learned. They are really essential to our socialization. Also, since you are already giving your middle child "special attention," you may need to announce to her that she is now getting some special attention and time that is "girl time" for you and her to read or play together. Remember that the special time has to be activities that she chooses or agrees are special. Middle children often need more special attention than the eldest or youngest, who seem to naturally get their needs for attention met.