Help with My Son - Temple City,CA

Completely agree w/ previous writer and would add that however much it pains you that he is losing friends, sometimes the natural consequence is the most effective to change behavior. Losing friends is painful and eventually he will learn that.

Aside from that, he needs a lot of love and understanding. I'm a huge proponent of family counseling. Though I think there are times when child psych is affective, divorce/loss affects the whole family. How you and your husband grieve is going to influence the boys and vice versa.

Take care of yourself in this time. Your children will survive this and you will too.
Best to you!

Jen

S.,

I know you think this is a personality thing, but to me it sounds like a typical reaction to loss. You son is possesive and controling of the things he has because he has lost something he thought would always be there. So, he doesn't want to share and he doesn't want people/friends to take his stuff away.

My very close friend has four kids who went through various stages of loss due to a divorce. Her oldest then, 8 years old ran away one weekend after the concern was raised at school that he wasn't able to communicate with the other kids and was acting out for no reason. When they found him and asked him why he left, he said "Daddy did it because he didn't know what to do anymore".

It was very eye opening for everyone involved that this little person had seen what happened as his father giving up on his family and really it was a very joint choice. No left for no reason, but upon closer examination it was uncovered that no matter how much counseling he had, he still didn't get it.

Make sure that he gets to hear from you and his father that no matter what happens he's loved and that he has a home with both of you. It's awesome that he's already in counseling, just make sure you both follow up with him on the basics. Sometimes we forget that even if we've explained it in terms with think kids will understand, it still works in their heads like wildfire.

Good Luck!

Hang in there, and don't get too discouraged! It's more important for kids to have and maintain a single friendship than it is for them to be well liked by all their classmates. And some people will just naturally be more bossy than others (we all know bossy adults, right?) If they learn to focus that behavior well enough, "bossy" turns into, "natural leader."

My daughter had the same problem. When she had a friend over to play, she would announce that, "We're playing this!" without asking what her friend wanted to do. If she had decided to play dolls, she would take whichever doll she really liked and announce, "This one is mine. You play with this one," and hand one to her friend. She would often even dictate what the dolls did - "Mine says this, then yours says that." I would pull her aside over and over (and OVER) and say, "Ask what she wants to play." Every time, my daughter would stare at me like I was a crazy person and say, "It's MY house! I decide!" When I told her that she should always give her guest first choice of toys or videos or whatever, she'd say, "They're MINE! I decide!" Then she would often literally be in tears because she felt like, "No one likes me!" We tried explaining, we took her to a counselor, and nothing really improved. It took her into her teens to start to change, and then she went too far the other direction, and tended to let her friends call all the shots even if she knew it was breaking the rules and they'd both get in trouble. (She informed me more than once, "No one will like me if I have to follow all these rules!")

That's my very long winded way of saying, keep explaining why you ask for certain behavior, and why other behavior alienates other kids, but your son will have to figure this out for himself. It might take years for him to do that. Figuring out interpersonal dynamics is easy for some people, and very difficult and confusing for others. What is SO OBVIOUS to you will sound TOTALLY alien to your son.

My daughter is now in her early 20s, a delightful young adult, but she's still occasionally puzzled by the complexities of what's good manners vs. being taken advantage of, or how to make decisions as part of a group. That's just who she is. We taught her - now it's her job to put it all together and use the information.

Hi S.,
You didn't tell us which son is the one who had counseling, the one with autism or without. You will have to approach each differently. Traditional counseling will not work with autism, they have trouble empathizing, and therefore don't understand other people's feelings intuitively. When dealing with them they need to be told how the other person feels, and relate that feeling to one of his, for example, when he doesn't want to share, remind him how he feels when he wants something really bad and you withhold that thing from him. You are doing the right thing about telling him repeatedly about what friendship behavior is, but it is also important to roll play. Having spent many years working with children on ASD I can empathize with you, it is exhausting and discouraging when you think there is no progress, but assume progress, stay on course and know it will dawn on him one day.
Good luck, Wendy

Hello, I am sorry to hear that you have had such a rough time lately. Our second child out of four was just like your son. He was very bossy and stingy with his friends and possessions as well. I talked to him many times about treating his friends better, but nothing helped. He is now 39 years old and is very giving with his friends and will do anything for them. However, he is not that way with me or with his son. Unfortunately, his 10 year old son is turning out just like he was. I am at a loss as to break this chain. Our grandson is such a sweet boy in other ways and would do anything to make me happy. We had custody of this grandson for three years, so we have a very special relationship with each other. Hopefully, your son will also outgrow this bad habit. I know how hard it is to see him losing friends. However, it may be the only way for him to finally get the picture.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Hi S.:
You've received some good responses,so I'll keep my brief. My eldest use to treat some of his friends sort of mean. It use to bother me to witness it,and I'd tell him as you did,that it's unkind,and he will lose them as a result.He use to boss them around,and even had one friend,that would tote his books! Unbelievable! I finally sat him down one day and asked him point blank why he treated them so poorly.He said"because,they act so stupid!My first thought was"What the heck? "So because he acts stupid he treats him crummy? Kids can be cruel,but they also sense,when someone is not at the same intellectual level as they are,and can be easily manipulated. My son went on to say,that a few of his friends acted like 5 year olds.He said they are always getting into trouble at school,and he tries to stay a distance,so he doesn't get caught up in it.My Grandson is the same way.I've caught him talking down to A friend. He told me the same thing. Grandma...He's such an idiot! I asked him,if he thought that way,why did he hang out with him at all.He said,I don't know,he's sorta fun sometimes,but mostly he gets on my nerves.???? I know this sounds nuts,even cruel,but kids can be painfully honest,and once they have developed their own personality,they also become more selective in their choices of who to associate with. He may lose a few friends,and it certainly doesn't hurt to remind him how to be more kind,but he needs to learn on his own,that sometimes our actions, bring with them sad consequences.I wish you all the very best. It's tough,I know. I raised two sons myself.It's rewarding though.J. M

Hi,

I posted a question a couple weeks back about sort of similar ideas. I received one recommendation to read the book, "How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too!" by Sal Severe. I'm about halfway through it and it is really good. Very common sense (but I never thought of it...) I'm not sure how it will work for you but it's worth a try. One of the main ideas is to be consistent and follow through with punishments. e.g If you say, keep fighting and we're going to leave the toy store and they do it, you just up and leave instead of keep warning the kids. I borrowed it from the library so didn't even have to buy it. Good luck!!!