Help with Positive Activities

As I was reading your story, it sounded so much like my own. My step-son is 8. He's active, but inherited his father's and his grandmother's ADD. It wasn't so much of a problem until these past couple of years. It was hard in the beginning...me providing discipline, but my husband has really been supportive.

I would suggest (if you haven't already done so) that you and your significant other talk about disciplining...what's acceptable, what's not acceptable. Also, pick his brain for what he does when his son starts to get wound up. Once you and he are on the same page, then be consistent.

I've found that a simple time out works...sometimes after reminding my son to do something more than 3-4 times...I need a moment to regroup myself. This gives him time to think about what has happened and gives me time to cool down. When I'm on top of things, I ask him to help me do a couple things. I never give him more than 2-3 things to do at a time...on days when he's really wound up not more than 1 task at a time. Example, if we're at a grocery store, I'll ask him to go down the aisle and get one of the items on the grocery list. That way, he's moving around and being helpful. We have a routine. I have to provide the structure and remind him, but he has a checklist of chores so that he knows what's expected of him. Whenever I need him to busy himself for a while, I'll let him know the length of time and set a timer so that he can check for himself how much time is left, so that I can do whatever I need to do without interruption. Usually, it's for 30 min to an hour at the most.

Whenever there's good behavior or behavior that I'm looking for, then I praise it. (Hugs, high fives, or a simple great job or thank you) When my son gets overly excited, and starts bouncing around, I have him take 5 deep breaths while he puts his hands on his head. I do it with him. I calm down, he gets a kick out of it and calms down enough to tell me what he's so excited about. When my son is frustrated, I let him know that it's fine to be angry, but not to be destructive. My husband has a punching bag that gets used sometimes. Or we have him use his t-ball set up and hit some whiffle balls in the backyard. Once his angry energy is out, we talk about what has made him frustrated/angry/sad. Then I ask him what he can do about the situation and add some suggestions if he can't come up with anything or seems unable to see past the challenge to a solution. If he's gotten in trouble for something and is angry about being in trouble, then we sit and talk about how he could have done things differently so that he wouldn't have gotten into trouble, and why he got into trouble. After these talks, I always give him a hug and let him know that I love him.

I hope this is helpful.

If you ever feel like you are about to lose it, lock yourself in your room for a few minutes and get yourself calmed down. It is called giving yourself a time out. It drives the kids nuts as they don't know what to do. It also keeps you from yelling something you may regret later. I rarely have to do this anymore.

I would take them to the park and let them run and play and get the energy out. I know that helps some Hyper Active kids a lot. If you have something like a basketball hoop out in the yard or in the neighborhood. Maybe get a ball and have him go throw some hoops for a while. I'm not sure what he likes to do, but get him out playing some sort of sport or activity that gets him moving. Swimming would be another good activity for him if you have a pool close by. Just have to get him outside and moving around though. That should tame down the outbreaks and it is good for him.

D. P.

Hi S.. How frustrating for both you and his father. Maybe even for the 7 year old who doesn't really know what to do??? I have used Essential Oils for many things the past 10 years and there are a couple of blends of oils I can tell you about that stop the "brain chatter" of ADD/ADHD kids. You can put the oils on their feet or allow the children to smell them by diffusing them in your house. Actually, the father can put them on the child's feet before they to see you and you could have some diffusing in your home (if they are coming to your house) when they arrive. It would work wonderfully. Some teachers with ADD/ADHD students use this in their classrooms and have seen a big difference. The oil calms the children down and helps their attitudes!

Let me know if you would like to try some. I do sell them and you can also purchase them on line.

Thanks,
C.

Hi S.,
((deep sigh)). I feel for you. But, as an OT, I'd like to tell you a story about a child I worked with (10 years old) with ADHD.

I'd bring him to my office/gym once a week to work on his classroom skills. Every week, I expected him to sit still and work the whole time.

One week, he jumped up from his chair, and basically started "dancing" around the room. When I told him to stop, his response was, "I can't, my Mom says I'm hyperactive."

My jaw hit the floor. Then, without hesitation I said, "YOU are always in control of YOUR body, so you will sit down and work right now." (not yelling).

Well, then HIS jaw hit the floor. I never had any more "behavior" issues with him. (I'd blown his cover).

It will have to start with his father, but "behaviors" and the reality of ADHD can be 2 very different things.
T

I could go on and on about this for ever so I'll try and keep it short. :)

It can tuff in "step-parent" situations from both sides (I am one and I have step parents) so I understand.

Overall the best thing to do is keep your control and keep trying. Easier said than done. Or I know, you've kept your cool and your are getting no where. But just hang in there!

Getting angry (not that you are but I am just saying) only makes you more upset and hopeless; and the child(ren) withdrawal more which overall hurts the already stressed situation. I know it's hard to not let it get to you, we are all human, but seriously, stand your ground, hang in there and kept your cool. I was making myself crazy over my situation, but I changed my attitude and over time it all worked out.

Since mom is not in the picture maybe the kids are expressing those negative or hurt feelings to you since you are the mother figure. ??? I'd focus on bonding with them. Express to the kids how important they are and that you want to be a family. Maybe do "family" activities at home (crafts, drawing pictures, puzzles, etc).

I constantly tell my kids that our family is very important, that we are nice to each other, we use kind words and love each other always. They are kids, they are not always going to have perfect behavior but stating that daily helps. Just like telling yourself positive statements to boost self-esteem, that's how I view what I'm doing. And it works. My kids will recognize when someone is not using kind words.

This is a situation that is not going to be fixed overnight (I am sure you knew that) but over time I think you can work it out. It sounds like you two really care about each other and you seem to really care for his kids.

Reiteration, reiteration, reiteration on how you feel about them, what you want for your families and how the kids are expected to behave.

If things don't get better or think you they are beyond your control, I'd get professional help. Consult his pediatrician for suggestions or a counselor. If you love this man and his kids, and want this to work, it is worth the effort.

Best of luck.
:)

Hi S., Welcome to the wonderful world of "blended" families! I don't gather that you two live together but are around the kids a lot anyway. I am marrying a wonderful man on 10/10 who has a daughter that is special needs...autistic and mildly retarded. I have 2 kids of my own and my daughter last year was diagnosed with ADD. So I have had my hands full as well as my future husband with the kids testing us every chance they get. My advice is to get some books on blended families or even search "blended families" in a search engine and read some articles. Ideally I think they all say the biological parent needs to do the discipline, but that is tricky if you are watching them and he's not around. Just know you are not alone, and if this gets serious for you two as far as marriage goes, you need to get it under control now...so congrats on taking steps toward that! I'm not sure if this helped or not, but I wish you the best of luck!

Hi. The thing that popped into my mind as I read your post, is that my brother was given a prescription for ritalin years ago b/c of his hyperactivity, and my mom was able to handle it with food sensitivity testing. A naturopath would know. But all of the teachers at his school couldn't believe the difference in his behavior. He was a changed child. Just a thought. Often beviour is health related. But I know your situation is different with the blended family and mom being out of the picture.

First, let me say I have only had experience with hyperactive children at church in Sunday School. But a couple of things helped when I could tell he was going to act out. One, I told him that I loved him no matter what he did and nothing he did would ever change that. Two, I tried to ignore bad behavior (as long as he didn't hurt anyone else) - this included him biting himself, etc. But once he was quiet/ still for two minutes after that, I praised his good behavior (I praised him a lot more than the other kids, but they understood, because I had a talk with them). Three, I gave him something physical to do when he would get that way. Put him in charge of something and have him do something physical that would make him feel useful (nothing fake), like carrying something for you or getting something down from high in your closet, or walking the dog. I would probably prepare tasks for him alone to do just for this purpose and then only use them when he starts to get "antsy". You could start a garden (even one or two plants), then have him be in charge of it and praise him to the other kids about it. Anyway, just some thoughts. And, by the way, that boy I was talking about? I haven't been his teacher since January 1st, but he still sits by me in church sometimes and recently drew me a picture that said he loved me. He is a perfect gentleman when he is with me - and he is 8 years old now. Good Luck!