My parents are really pushy when it comes to my kids. I have tried to set boundaries for them but they act as if I don't exist. They want to come out in a couple of months for my daughters birthday, but we have had plans for months to take a family trip. My husband insist that I tell them no, however I am so afraid of what they are going to say or do. What can do to defuse this problem without it exploding?
Just let them know that you have already made plans to go out of town. Let them know tat if they would like to come the week before or the week after that you could do a separate little b-day thing for when they are there. They are going to have to learn to understand.
Good luck. Parents are parents and they think that you should raise your kids how they raised theirs and lots of stuff you do is the wrong way. i have decided that listening to my mom and taking SOME of her advice is a great thing. Just tell them that you already had plans for your trip and see if they can come to see you before or after the trip. If not, I wouldnt blow off my plans, because that is your fun with your husband and kids and they will enjoy it. Your parents should understand.
H. mom of two.
I have the same problem with my mother, mostly. It gets so bad that she will just take him to get his hair cut without telling me, or basically TELL me that he needs this or that, and I should do soething different. I finally got ot the point where I got fed up with it. It seemed like my son thought she was his mommy, instead of me. I finally just told her to back off. I let her know that, if she doesn't respect my wishes on how to raise my child, then she can stay away. I know it sounds harsh, but you have to do what's best, and they have to understand that you have your own family now, and they have no power in it. They had their own chance at parenthood, however it may have turned out, and now it's your turn. I'm sure if someone would have tried to tell them how to raise their kids, they would've been irritated too. Besides, you don't want your child growing up confused, and not knowing what is right and wrong. He/she needs a strong foundation and a firm moral background to grow and develop from. If he/she sees that you are unsure and weak, then he/she will undoubtedly start to walk all over you! Be firm, and tell them what the stipulations are...don't bargain! This is your child, and you don't HAVE to compromise!
Good luck!
Kat
Your husband is right. Once we reach adulthood, our parents have to cut the apron strings a bit. You and your husband make the decisions in your home. They don't have a say anymore! Let them know that they have to be flexible and they can visit another time. Don't feel guilty about that. Your husband sounds like he will support you.
You just need to tell them that you are planning a family trip, and that they are more than welcome to come another week. Maybe even give them some suggestions regarding when they could come. If they start in, let them know that this has been planned for several months and that the arrangements have all been made and that you would love for them to come, they will just need to come another time. If you are not there then it will do them no good showing up so they will stay home and arrangement a different time to visit. I too deal with a weird situation and upfront, honesty is the best bet, even if it may hurt the other person at least you were honest. I feel for you, but they are not the bosses of your life and family and if they will not come to terms then you will have to set them as much as you can. Don't let them rule your life.
M., I have inlaws like your parents. It is very difficult especially when you want to keep peace. At least, it is your parents. It may be a little easier. You have to be strong and keep to the boundaries. Just get the courage to tell the truth. Always start with something positive: "Mom, we would love to see you" but we have plans to go away so how about (pick another date) and stick with it. If she gives you a hard time, tell her your sorry but another time is better. If she gets really mad & upset, you will just have to tell her it is not up for discussion anymore and that your family is going away so you will not be home if she tries to visit. And finish with you have to get off the phone. Unfortunately you just have to put your foot down. You don't want to cause problems with your husband.
You just need to tell them that you have been planning this family trip and if they would like to come out after then that is fine. Basically, you need to put your foot down and tell them that you understand they want to see their grandchildren, but that they are your children. I have had to point this out to my parent's several times and they sulk for a minute or two, but bottom line you are the parent not them. Hope all goes well.
My parents wouldnt let me treat my odlest they way i wanted to. They always acted like they were the parents not me. Im not sure how you can stop this. Mine finally stopped but we went through alot soo i just wanted to let you know you werent the only one* it does get better but DONT let them control your life! you have to put your foot down* i would just tell them the truth and if it hurts them there is nothing you can do about it ...you cant live your life for them now You have your own family.. GOOD LUCK...
I am 41 years old and my mother still "tries" to control me and my daughter (who is now 19 with a baby of her own)! There comes a time you just need to tell them to back off. I went years trying to satisfy my mother and my family and it doesnt' work (it jsut causes alot of stress in you and tension in your home). I have come to realize that even if "your parents' say their hearts are breaking, they are going to have a heart attack (yes, mine has used that one)over what they percieve to be your rejection towards them, blah-blah-blah...you have to raise your family/husband without their interference. Tell them you have had this family trip planned and it is all set. Tell them you and the children are looking forward to spending time with them BUT that they will have to make arrangements to visit AFTER your vacation. And emphasize AFTER. Do not let them come before so that they are at your house and you can't get rid of them (yep, been through that one too!). It's hard, but you just need to be strong, pray about it, and know that what you are doing is BEST for YOU and your family. It's wonderful to have someone give you advice and to be able to take that advice if you feel it is good...but there is a fine line between "giving advice" and "trying to control" and sadly, many of our moms haven't figured out where that line ends. Good luck dear.
LorieB
It sounds like your parents are in a different part of the country from you. Use that to your advantage. Don't give them the opportunity to invade you and your husbands space. I also agree with everyone else on having them come after your family trip. Parents sometimes need to be put in their place and realize that if they did such a good job of raising you then they should sit back and relax as grandparents. Their "parenting" days are done.
