Arent I the Mom?

OK -you're the mom and you don't need to allow yourself to be treated like a doormat by your husband or his mother. What person in their right mind thinks it's okay to plan to "take" that baby for a week without asking the mother? On top of that on a major holiday? What are your Thanksgiving plans? Why on EARTH is your husband acting like he's the boss of you? Sorry for all the questions, but I have a very hard time imagining living in a situation where this could ever be a scenario.

I guess I'm having a difficult time understanding why you seem complacent about it all -like you have no say and it's going to happen. You're posting here, but what about calling your MIL up after you tear your husband a new one for saying that to you and talking to you that way and letting her know, nicely, that you would love for your baby to stay with her sometime when you had plans or something and that you'll all be there for Thanksgiving, but that the child isn't simply going to her house for Thanksgiving and staying for a week without you. To be very explicit -I think you need to grow a pair!

I would never be without my children willingly on a holiday. However, if my husband ever pulled that on me or spoke to me in that manner, you can rest assured, I would be without him on the holiday and everyday thereafter. Parenting decisions should be made together out of love, respect and compromise. I hope you stand up for yourself and for your child's sake. (how does he feel about being away from mommy for a week at his young age?) You really need to have a good heart-to-heart with your husband. Is this your husband's typical behavior or was this a first? You might want to think about your relationship and the direction of your life. Sorry you have to go through this - I hope it works out in your favor!

Hello, I'm sorry, but I might have not been so nice. I probably would have said back to him, "I don't care what you say, he's NOT going." How is this baby going to feel going with someone he hardly sees, for a week? He would probably come unravelled! I think she could at least ask if she could come to visit for a week. That way he is in his own home and she gets to see him. What nerve!!
Good luck with your precious little boy.
K. K.

Oh HELL No.
One parent does not make arrangements for for such a long term 'vacation' for the children without consulting the other.
I would never agree to this. You're child is still just a baby. If your in-laws want to see him, they can come visit, or invite ALL OF YOU to go visit them.
This is so wrong. If my husband did this to me, there would be a huge argument about the fact that he did not consult me, has no concept of the bond mothers have with their babies, and no respect for my position as a co-parent. I would not agree to it and I think you should hold your ground on this one by saying 'absolutely not, we will have to think of another for them to spend time with him but I am not sending him off alone for several days on a holiday'. Honestly, if my husband did not see my side of things on this and push came to shove, this is a dealbreaker for me. I am sorry to be dramatic about this but I see so many things wrong here.

No, No, No, No! Something is wrong here. Why does this woman think she can take your baby, and why are you allowing it? Please talk with someone like your parents or a clergy person as soon as possible! This is not normal behavior, for a grandma to take the baby and not have the parents, too. You should be very assertive and put your foot down. The baby stays with you! Maybe I don't have all the details, but please think long and hard about your question.

Put your foot down - this is most definitely a "hill to die on." This is not okay.

Um, hell no, this would NEVER fly in our house! Especially over a holiday! Put your foot down and say , "NO" "But here are some alternative dates for a visit with grandma..." Or invite grandma to come for the holiday! (And my advice to you would be to show every one of these posts to your husband!!)

I think you should go with your husband and the baby to his mother's house for the holiday. db

There is no way that I would allow my baby to be taken from me without my consent by anyone. PERIOD. Tell your husband in no uncertain terms that he can not just tell you that your S. is going to your MIL's. That is crazy! How disrespectful and rude of him! So sorry you are going through this... Put your foot down and tell him like it is.

M

Uh......unless your hubby is surprising you with a kidless cruise or something....no way, Jose.

Gotta say...that is SO not ok!!! What is wrong with him? It's your child. It's a family holiday and you spend the holidays with your children. That is beyond ODD to me. I would tell him "no"...there's really no discussion on THAT and then get in some serious counseling...that is insane to me that he would want to be away from his child on Thanksgiving and thinks that's ok to dictate that sort of decision to you. Wow! I'm not sure he even made it into the 20th century...

-M

Not okay. And no way. That is your child. If he goes to Grandma's, you go with him. My daughter would be so traumatized to be away from me for so long with a virtual stranger. Absolutely not. I would divorce a man who did this. Who does he think he is?

I would say no way. If she want's to spend a week with him then she should come to your house for Thanksgiving and spend a week with you. This is a very dramatic thing for a little one. This is the time that they become very clingy to mom and dad. And all of a sudden he has neither of you. This will totally mess up his sleep patterns because her way is diffrent then yours and she WILL do it her way. A stay at grandma's should be with one that he sees often so that he has no problem with it. Or when he is older and understands the situation of a sleep over. My mil asked my husband to split us up for thanksgiving (him and the one that looks like him to go to her house and me and the one that looks like me to go to my moms) We always went to my moms for every holiday because she hated me and didn't want me at her house. Now she has changed her mind and want's us there. Problem with that is we already had our family and our traditions. I'm glad my hubby stood up to her and told her no way. You don't split the family up at holiday's. Good luck with this. JP

Wow, your really need to put your foot down. If his mom wants to see him, she can come to your house for Thanksgiving. I'm not sure how long you have been married, but when we got married, we decided that we (hubs and I) were a family and would start traditions of our own. Your hubby is not being fair to you OR your S., who will most likely miss his mommy.

I would be pissed. The two of you have to make a decision like that. Who sends their kid to grandma's alone for thanksgiving, anyway? Yes, you are the mother. I think you have bigger problems then just thanksgiving if he isn't up for discussing the matter. Time to see a couple counselor stat because your husband needs to grow a backbone in regards to his mother!

In the mean time, put your foot down and say ABSOLUTELY NOT to sending your S. to his mothers on Thanksgiving. Children, do not need to be without their parents on a holiday, especially at 1 year old. Put your foot down!

oh H#ll no! if my husband did that i would be livid!. if she wants to see him for a holiday she should either come to you or all of you go to her. thats not ok for your hubby to just ok it without your feelings on it first. thats not ok for me. i would call his mother and explain calmly that you and your husband havent decided together if your S. will be there for the holiday. then tell her when you reach a conclusion then you will let her know either way. also offer an invite for her to come to your place for the holiday. thats a tough situation to be in i hope it all works out.

Yes, you are the mom, and hubby is the dad. Together you need to make decissions about your child. If you don't want your child spending Thanksgiving with grandma, then you need to sit down with hubby and tell him why.

Why didn't he ask you? It could be that his mother manipulates him, it could be that he knew you wouldn't be happy with the decission, it could be that it's a convenient time for all people involved, it could be his mother doesn't want to travel to your home, or many other reasons.

Why on a holiday? Because holidays are a time for family to be together.

If my husband did what your husband did, we would be separated and headed for divorce. Not consulting you, assuming you would want your baby to spend a week away from you during a holiday - these are all madness. He seems to have forgotten parenting requires BOTH parents. Not the grandparents. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that NO, your mom is not "taking" the baby anywhere for Thxgiving or any other time of year unless I say its ok. I agree with the other poster who said you need to grow a pair - you let it go for two weeks already! Who knows what other plans have been made without your knowledge!

Um...thanks but no thanks. Your husband and his mother need you to put some boundaries in place, there are no plans made without including you period and absolutely no overnights at this age (unless by your request). I wouldn't budge on this one. Give an inch and they'll take a mile.

My husband wouldn't be able to see straight if he told me MY kids were going to spend a WEEK away from me on a HOLIDAY! What the hell was he thinking??!?!

If I were you, I'd tell my husband that "WE will be spending the holiday as a FAMILY and I don't care what YOU say, because he's NOT going!"

Why can't SHE come to visit YOUR family for the holiday? This is making me mad and it's not even about ME! grrrrr.....

That's a big decision and should have been made by the two of you.

WHA!! He just out right said it??? Um that would be a JELLO NO!!! That needs to be discussed with the both of you and NOT just him and his mom. You put your foot down and say that it was unfair of him just to decided this and that you don't appreciate the sudden decision. FOR A FULL WEEK!! I could understand the weekend or overnight but a week?? I could be a good vacation for you and your hubby, but seriously!! Ask and discuss, not demand.

Unless you and your hubby have some child-free plans for the weekend, why would he go to Grammas for a week over a holiday?
Can't the whole family go and spend it together?
I wouldn't get too upset with your MIL, she did afterall speak to her S. (the dad) and he made the decision. I would get upset with him. He should have discussed it with you.
I would say NO way!

I would be pissed!! This is a decision that is made together and why is he sending your S. away for a holiday? If you were all going, I would still be mad, but I would not put up with anyone sending my children away from me on a holiday without it being a total parental discussion.

The other ladies have echoed my feeling about this situation. To keep things civil, your family should go together to visit grandma. It seems like the best solution to a sticky situation. Good luck mama.

Your baby is way too young to be without you for a week. ESPECIALLY with someone he doesnt know very well.
Also, yes, YOU"RE the mom so stand up! I would never allow this...EVER!

I would FLIP out if my husband did this AND also talked to me like that... he knows better!
We have for sure had talks about this topic, but I am not comfortable with the idea of my kids being away from me until a certain age.
I mean 1 1/2 is WAY to young in my opinion!
Your poor little man will be with people he doesn't know and not know where mommy is. That is just crazy!
Why can't you all be together.
Rule in our house is, people can come her to visit, but I am not taking my girls out of their beds and routine. Period...
Not sure what you are asking or if any of us can help, but just know that some of us think your husband is insane and you should put your foot down! Wow!

NO! you your husband and your S. should be together for the Holidays. His mother must have intimidated, and or manipulated him in some way. That's just crazy and unheard of. Let your husband know in a loving respectful way that it is important to have your own family traditions that make memories for your children, and your family. It looks like we are all in agreement here. NO J.

There must be more to this story.
You could just say, :OK I am going with the baby.:
You could see your lawyer, pastor, local social
services, You can't just let this go.
Gook luck.

I have a four year old and and 6 month old and neither of my kids are going anywhere without me for a week. I would tell him no or we are all going to his mother's for Thanksgiving. It is your kid too and that is a big decision without both parent's consent.

Since dear hubby skipped over you, i say do the same to him. call the MIL and tell HER no way, not happening this year, the next, or anytime in the future without both you and your hubby's input. it sounds sneaky & underminded to me. men seem to forget that we've been with baby since conception- we as mommies have a deeper bond with our children, a bond they'll never comprehend.

How old is this man of yours? I have NEVER in my entire life heard of a Dad making lengthy travel arrangements for their baby, not even a child, without a lengthy conversation with the mom FIRST. Well - in the veiled societies I have...

Why wouldn't he just tell his mom thanks for the nice offer but I've got to talk it over with my wife? Does he normally do extraordinary, unusual things for his own mama without you being in the loop?

I would be in such shock over that that kind of announcement that my speechless state would say it all. You are right..you are the mom and all the other moms here pretty much agree, baby is too young to be away from you that long. It would be very traumatic for a baby to be separated, so you need to decide to all go together and you decide on how long you can stay.

I hope his independent decision making abilities improve with time.

my kids are 5 and 3 and my inlaws live 45 mins away and they have never slept over at there house. There is NO way I would allow this to happen. Is he kidding. How will your S. react w/o you and with someone he DOESNT EVEN KNOW???? I am even unsure of my mom driving out of state with my kid a day before I can go for thanksgiving. DO NOT ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN.

I would not be ok with this situation. I have a 3 yr old and when he was a lil over 2, I gave birth to twins. That has been the one and only time I have been away from my eldest. My husband gently reminds me that his mother would like to have our S. over for a sleepover, she lives 30 min away, and my mother just tells me she would love a sleepover. And my answer is still, I am not ready. My answer has nothing to go with whether my child is ready, I think he is, but I am not ready to be away from my child overnight.

As for your husband, parents make big decisions like that together. That's how parenting works. I wonder what his background is. My neighbor across the street has a niece (white) who married and Egyptian. She has no say in what happens to her kids. They live in Kuwait. Anyway, her husband just decided that the two kids needed to be away from them (am unsure what his reasons were) and packed them off to Egypt to stay with his mother for several months. Didn't matter what she said.

So, I am wondering what your marriage situation is like.

Deja Vu! What is up with "men, fathers, husbands" feeling that they have to appease their controlling mommas? What in the hell is that all about. Many of you know my situation w/ my husband wanting to just drop our child off at his mother's and I stood my ground, and continue to stand it. No way, no how! As far as I'm concerned they are both strangers!!!!

>>>Under no circumstances should you allow yourself to be BULLIED b/c that's exactly what had the potential of happening to me if I gave in. It is your child, you are his primary caregiver, MIL has absolutely no respect for your role, and your husband obviously does NOT support you. What decent mother would allow her child to stay away from home for a week with a "stranger"? What responsible man/father/husband would even condone and advocate for it??? Stand your ground. Don't send your child off to be traumatized and forced to get used to people for a week. Sounds like your husband doesn't want to be bothered with the baby for a week, and MIL is going to continue to cause problems in the NEAR future, so you might as well set the tone NOW!!!

I'd be outraged. It doesn't matter what the plan is. What matters is that he and his mom are making plans for the baby without your okay. She does not "outrank" you. Your husband has a primary family now - and that is supposed to come first - that's YOU, the baby, and him. If he can't do this, then if I were you, I'd question if he really wants a wife. And no way no how would I let this happen.

I'd be upset if my husband and his mom made plans for our sons for the day. If they made them for the week, I'd be livid. When I was 7 months pregnant with #3, my husband and his mom decided we'd have Thanksgiving at our house (mine and his - not hers) THEN he called me at work and told me. Later he tried to say it didn't matter because it didn't happen. She crossed a lot of other boundaries as well. And since she violated his boundaries ALL of his life, he didn't see it as a problem.

I actually had to enlist the help of our minister (things were much bigger than them "just" planning a holiday for me to cook for them while sick & pregnant too). Having someone other than me explain to my husband that his ALLEGIANCE was supposed to be to his wife helped a lot.

And, even my MIL never tried to take off with my kids for a week. Good luck!

I would say, "Great! I'll make plans to go with him!" Has your baby ever been away from you? I can't imagine my young children being away from me for that amount of time. And, holidays are for families. He should be with his own family. If it can include extended family, that is a bonus! Is this a normal thing for your husband to do? That is just so odd to me that he would have a strong opinion about this and demand it from you.
Oh, and call your MIL and ask what you can bring to help with the meal. That way, she knows you are all coming.

Hi Michelle,
I can understand why you would be mad at your husband. Is this an isolated incident? What he did is clearly disrespectful to you ( his words - I don't care what you say). Does he often tell you that he doesn't care what you say or what you think? If this is a pattern, then you may want to seek professional help now before things get worse. My other question is whether or not his mother has a regular say in the decision making in your household. You haven't said how long you have been married but this does seem to indicate another problem. Both of these issues will definately put a strain on your relationship if not break it (or you). These are just things to think about. For this particular incident I would suggest asking your husband why it is important to him to have his S. spend the holidays away from the two of you. See what he says. That may open the door to further conversation and perhaps negotiate this into a family holiday instead. While your anger is justified, it won't change the situation so change the way you approach it.

I'd stick my foot up his behind for sure. He may be the man of the house but your the mother of his baby. If Mom ain't happy then nobody is happy. he'll get the message real quick. and I'd be packing my bags and saying bye to him and off with our S. to granny's and then to make her life hell too. I'm sure they won't be planning no more trips without your say after that!

My husband did this same exact thing to me!!! It wasn't for Thanksgiving though, but a few weeks before. But ultimately, he left the decision up to me, (even though he had already made the plans to do it).

Perhaps he choose that weekend b/c he knew he would be off of work so would be able to take the time to drive your S. down there.

In any case, you need to sit down together and talk about how plans like this need to be discussed as a family, since you are equal partners. None of this bossing around, I don't care what you say business.

Why would your S. go without you anywhere for a week?
Especially if she is away?
Just say NO and stick to it. Even if you and the baby have to make plans at your parents.

Don't know what the situation is between you and your Mother-in-law but, if you want to be around your child and husband on Thanksgiving "without" fighting you better start packing for the whole family.

I don't think it's right for your husband to assume he can make decisions like this without talking I over with you first. However, you did mention she really doesn't get to see your S. often at all – it might be time for a visit but, a visit from "everyone". I think 4 hours is a long drive but, it's doable especially if your willing to help with the steering wheel a bit. At least this will assure you do visit, your good with the family and the next morning your on your way back home WITH your child!

You can just sit him down and yell at him but, will this really make a difference? This all depends on what type of husband you have. Sure, this will work for some men but, every man is different and you said he told you, "I don't care what you say he's going" umm… he doesn't sound like a man who's going to give into you yelling. In other words, if you know for a fact that you simply can't beat him, join him. Let him know you're ALL going together and returning together and turn it around on him, "I don't care what you say we're ALL going"!!!

Wish you the best of luck, chances are there will be a few fights – hope they blow over easy and are forgotten soon. Ohhhh, the wonderful rollercoasters of life!

-M.

sounds like you two have more issues than one isolated incident. i don't think the solution is to yell and scream and protest that you're the mom and you get to make the decisions. you need to work on being a team and it sounds like he has decided that you don't work well together and he's tired of "asking mom" for approval.

Maybe he ha something special planned for the 2 of you?

I am curious as to how your husband responded when you asked him, "Wow that's great, quite a surprise, your mom must be thrilled...just wondering why we didn't talk about it first?" The reason could be as simple as this is the only time that his mom can see your S. for an extended period of time, blah blah blah, and no you should not have been excluded, and no spouse should tell the other, "it doesn't matter what you say..." It can be tough for a man to have a great relationship with his mom, and this sounds like an easy way to bring happiness to her. Instead of yelling at your husband or making him feel like he has to choose, figure out a way to be supportive so that his "it doesn't matter what you say" doesn't become a habit for him when he is making decisions re your family. Do what you can to resolve this without anyone feeling awful, and help your husband understand why this would even bother you, and why it happened, and how to resolve these types of situations in the future (PERVENT these situations...) Peace to you & I hope all 4 of you enjoy the upcoming holidays. B.

Yes, if this were me, I'd be PO'd too...but let's look at this another way, shall we? First off, could there be a possibility that your hubby has plans for you both for that weekend and asked his mom to babysit for you both? OR maybe it's because he already knew you would say "no" but felt for some reason he had to put his foot down on this one? I don't know. It just doesn't make sense that he would just come right out and make that kind of decision without you for no reason especially since your child is so young. Without any "pointing fingers", talk with him. Tell him how not discussing this with you hurt you, but find out why. You also did not mention how your relationship is with your MIL so...I'm just assuming it is a good one.

Before you jump him with the over my dead body I think talking to him as calmly as you can to find out Why he made plans without your input...maybe he has something special planned? Even so this would not fly at my house and I think I would first listen then calmly tell him How this has made you feel. I think picking battles is important, for me this would be an all out war if talking calmly did not solve the issue...baby is too young for an over night....let alone a solid week! Good luck, keep us posted, think you could get a riot to show up at your house, if you need support you can always have him read our responses so he doesn't think you are just being hormonal or bitchy or crazy female like men always tend to think....no it is just momma instincts...and momma instincts are Not to be trifled with.

If my SO did this, he would be in the doghouse for sure. He would be lucky if I didn't move back home and start a single mom's life. I would sit and listen...he may have some special surprise in the works, so I would LISTEN. My dd is almost 2 and I wouldn't let her spend the night at anyone's house unless I am present or it was an emergency. When we have been away from her overnight, it has been at OUR house and around her things so that she was more comfortable. I have found that people that don't have children in their homes regularly aren't baby-proofed for my dd.
Here is some other things your hubby needs to consider...
How old is his mom? Running after a toddler alone is NOT easy.
Where will ds sleep? This is a major one...you may have issues once he is home.
Is there a high chair? When my dd doesn't eat in one while visiting relatives, it is really hard to get back into the routine.
Speaking of routines, does his mom know your ds's? This too can cause major problems once he is home.
These are but a few things to consider...Personally, I didn't and won't let my dd go away from me for a week. If your hubby still INSISTS, I would let him know that he would be spending Thanksgiving alone cause YOU are going to his mom's with your S.. Since they didn't ask you, then you don't have to ask permission to go with him. Just a thought though.
I really hope things work out and your holidays turn out wonderful. Good luck.