Alright mamas, you've always given such good advice and I need some now! Or at least someone with whom to commiserate! I don't know how much of a back story to give you. But here goes... My mom and I have always gotten along, but have never been close. We live 4 hours apart and get together about 4 or 5 times a year for long weekends. I personally wouldn't mind seeing her more, but she and my dad are constantly telling us how busy they are with golf, etc. And I have 2 kids in school so it's hard to get away. My mom has always given me the impression that she's just not that "into us" - I don't know how else to say it. We get along fine when we're together but we don't talk often unless it's to plan the next get together. There has to be some specific news for us to call each other. I used to try to call more, but she always acted like she was about to run out the door or was too busy. You know, she'd say the typical things you say when you want to wrap up a conversation like "OK, wellllll......" even if I was in the middle of a story or whatever. She would also make fun of her own friends for talking to their kids too much! So, I've sort of gotten over the fact that we won't be close. It's just the way it is.
Piece of info you should know - whenever we get together with my parents, my husband and my dad play golf. This turns into an entire day b/c it always has to include lunch/beer, etc. It's fine. They have a good time. My mom and I do something with the kids during this time. I used to complain a little about it when my kids were little (and more work) but they're 8 and 10 now, and actually fun to be around. So I don't care if hubby plays golf.
Another part of the story is the fact that my husband works 100 hours a week (almost literally) and my kids and I rarely see him. We miss him, and are constantly looking for ways to be together. Every year for the past 3 years we have gone to FL for Spring Break. We spend the week TOGETHER and have a great time. My husband isn't off golfing, I'm not shopping - it's serious togetherness. I look so forward to that week each year. We have the trip booked for this Spring as well and I WAS looking forward to it.
Fast forward to 2 nights ago. My mom calls me (actually she's on speaker with my Dad) and says, "Hey, we want to run something by you. Be completely honest!! How do you feel about dad and I being in FL at the same time as you guys, and staying in the same resort?" Uhhhhhh, my first reaction was "Ok, but my husband is not playing golf!" Well, apparently that was the wrong thing to say b/c they got all sorts of irritated with me, saying we didn't want them down there with us. I tried to explain that it would be fine if they were there with us, but that it was a week that my family of 4 spends TOGETHER and that wasn't going to change.
I got off the phone still feeling like they didn't understand that my family NEEDS that time together. They're welcome to be there too (although really, I'd rather them not be!) but no one should be "dragging" my husband away. So, I sent them an email really detailing our lives and how we never see Daddy and just want our family time. I really thought they'd understand and say something like "Oh, it's fine! We understand you need family time. We'll hang out when we can while we're down there." I got no such reply. Instead, I got a nasty email from my mother saying that my attitude is horrible, that I don't appreciate what my husband does for me, etc. She went on and on about how I always push them away. I have no idea what she's talking about!!! I feel like she pushes US away. And really, what does that have to do with anything? I just want a family vacation with no golf, and that's what we had planned! Am I the crazy one here??
I called them last night and we did actually talk through a lot of issues. We talked for over an hour, with me mostly crying. I think I feel better about a lot of it, but I'm obviously still dwelling. I think they just don't get it. And I don't think that'll change. So I know I should just drop it. But they're my parents and even though I'm almost 40 I think I have this weird thing about still wanting their approval, or at least wanting them to like me! I guess the best way I can describe them is passive aggressive. I just did some research online and the descriptions fit them to a "T". It's mostly my mom. She kept saying things like "well, then maybe we just won't come if we're not wanted."
I'm having a hard time getting over it. How can I let someone make me feel so bad?! Does anyone out there understand me, and what I was looking for with this family vacation? Maybe I am a bad, selfish person, like my mother believes. But I don't think I am. I'd love to hear your own stories to know I am not alone. Feeling so sad right now.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! To all of you wonderful folks out there who took the time to read my post (I didn't realize how long it was until I went back and reread it!) and for responding. You all made me feel like I'm not alone on this kind of thing, and that made me feel so much better. I have definitely come to the realization that my mother's issues are HERS alone, and not necessarily about me. I'll have to keep trying to remember that when we have things like this happen in the future (probably easier said than done!)
Some of you were curious how my husband felt about the whole thing - I should've put that in there! First of all, he is extremely supportive of me. And I love him for that. He even "takes my side" on issues involving his own mother, which I know a lot of husbands fail to do. On this particular issue, he didn't understand why my parents and I were even arguing. He said to me, "Florida is our family trip. I actually don't want to play golf there." I asked if he would please call my mom and dad and say the same to them, because I thought it might help me out. He did that for me! Although, I bet my mom thought I "made" him do it. Whatever.
So on Friday I went about my day, out of the house all day until after school. When I got home there was a syrupy sweet message from my mom saying, "Just checking in, want to see if you're OK, well, we'll talk soon!" She will NEVER admit that she was wrong or that her email to me was ridiculously angry, but I could almost hear the regret in her voice. Who knows. It was nice of her to call and check on me though. I will continue to try to have a good relationship with her, as much as I can.
Thanks again, for "listening" and commenting or sharing your own stories :)
More Answers
H.G.
answers from
New York
on
I haven't read your answers but I feel for you - really. They ASKED you to be completely honest. You were honest but didn't give them the answer they wanted. Tough cookies! I absolutely would never want to vacation with my family - and I like most of them. I really don't want to vacation with anyone except the people in my house. My husband works 40 hours a week and I still look forward to that family time on vacation. No reasonable person would insist on imposing with the explanation you gave.
Honestly, I'm guilty of explaining too much of my life to people too. You don't owe anybody more of an explanation than - gee, thanks for thinking of us, but we like to spend that week as a family and re-connect with each other. The kids and I really need that and so does hubby - after all, he works so hard . . . blah, blah, blah. Gotta love it when people ask you to be honest and then you can't be.
Sorry. People don't take advantage of us without our permission. Don't give your parents permission to take advantage of your family time.
4 moms found this helpful
Report This
A.C.
answers from
Jacksonville
on
Ugh! Why do people say be totally honest and then have a fit when you are? Tell your parents you want this week for family time. If they would like to plan a trip for everyone at a later date, wonderful! Remind your mom she asked for honesty and that is what you gave her.
3 moms found this helpful
Report This
☆.A.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
You're not bad--or selfish.
You are well within your rights to say that you want a golf-free vacation!
2 moms found this helpful
Report This
D.S.
answers from
Norfolk
on
Hi, K.:
I understand your dilemma, wanting a loving mom and dad, and wanting them to understand that you need some special time with your husband.
How do you do that and feel good about yourself?
It sounds like you are trying to please everyone else but yourself.
Your are a new mother, even though your children are 8 and 10. You are still in your nurturing role as mother. Mothering everyone except yourself.
I'm giving advice now and I apologize for that.
Think about what you need from your husband first.
It sounds like you are not getting your needs met from your marriage. It sounds like you are sacrificing your time and needs to have him be the privilege character because he works 100 hours a week to support you and the children.
So you sacrifice all year and once a year you get your needs met with your husband. Now your mom and dad want to visit with y'all on vacation.
Your mom doesn't like the fact that you have set a boundary on them by telling them you want to enjoy your husband without interference.
You sound like you are feeling guilty for setting a boundary.
Go ahead. Feel guilty. Then get over it.
Next, you need to sit down and talk with your husband about your feelings and how can you get your needs met more often.
That's the end of my advice.
Good luck.
All the Best.
D.
2 moms found this helpful
Report This
V.W.
answers from
Jacksonville
on
Eiyie yie!
You are not a selfish person nor bad. And I completely understand the whole 'want to be liked/loved and approved of by the parents' thing. Totally normal. What is not normal (at least for your mother, apparently) is being told that you already have your plans made and you aren't jumping hoops to include them in them. If they want to come, sure, fine. But, we already have made decisions about how we spend that time (no golf, all 4 of us together all the time) and if you want to include yourselves in that, great. Welcome! Let's have fun.
But, they (or your mother doesn't) don't want to accept the role of being a 'guest' to your vacation. She wants it to be their vacation, too... and she wants you guys to change your plans so that they can have the vacation that THEY want to have.
Well, sorry Mom, but NO. "These are our plans. If you want to come, great. If you would rather not come because our plans don't suit what you wanted to do, that is fine as well. It is really your call. I think we will have a great time either way. Would love to see you and include you in our vacation, but if it doesn't work for you, we'll have to get together another time."
The end. You probably feel like you need to explain the whole "being together as a family" and that you look forward to this "annual tradition" to help you get through the other parts of the year... but really you don't. You don't have to explain any of it. And sometimes, explaining has a way of making you look like you are doing something wrong, even when you aren't. Don't over explain. Just let her know THIS is how we have planned our vacation. If you want to come be a part of it, we'd love to see you. If what we are planning (no golf) doesn't suit you, then we shouldn't try to vacation together at this particular location. Because we will spend the entire week together as a foursome (or six-some), but will not be golfing. If that works for you, let me know and we'll look for you.
2 moms found this helpful
Report This
A.B.
answers from
Sarasota
on
I don't want to make snap judgements but she sounds very self-centered. Only you know exactly what you put in that email to her but if it really was just explaining and non-confrontational....well, it really is a shame that she responded the way she did.
However I think you absolutely did the right thing standing up to your parents and putting YOUR family's needs first. You are right! You and your kids need time with daddy and if your parents horning in on your special family time is not going to work for you, it's not going to work and there is nothing wrong with that. Good for you for setting boundaries! You obviously have your priorities straight.
Be strong! Enjoy that family time and let go of the guilt. It is your parents' choice to not be understanding and to be upset.
I know....so much easier said than done.
1 mom found this helpful
Report This
M.M.
answers from
Washington DC
on
I get you. My Mom is similar in how she responds. We talk and she says everything is ok and then months later (she usually waits) she'll tell me how I am not a kind person for what I said. For you, I'm glad she's upfront as you can talk about it now without festering.
The lady that mentioned the golf time made a good point. You want and more so need to feel you have family time. I wish you could see more of your husband, but I also get how husbands can sometimes put work first. Thing is, your kids need time with Dad too so I'd ask them what they want. Another consideration is having g-parent time over one of the weekends so just 2-3 days vs the whole week.
Remember, every one of us has wants and needs and sometimes is selfish. That does not make every one of us a bad person. It's about compromise.
1 mom found this helpful
Report This
F.H.
answers from
Phoenix
on
So are they going on vaca with you or not? She asked you to be honest but you weren't. You should have just said no, this is the only time of the year the FOUR of us have to be 100% together and I don't want to change that. It has nothing to do with them, it has to do with you, hubs and kids. SHE is rude to invite herself, then be angry when she is turned down or put in her place. I understand what you are saying but you need to try to let it go. You guys talked it out, although I don't know if you ok'd them going or not. I hope not, because its likely if they go, your dad will be dragging hubby away to golf and it sounds like you are not strong enough to stand up to either of them. I hope it works out for you and you guys have a great time regardless.
1 mom found this helpful
Report This
T.M.
answers from
Tampa
on
I would feel EXACTLY like you do on this one. You need this time to be together as a nuclear family....just the four of you. I would hate for the inlaws to come and put pressure on you to do the things that they want. Your vacation is NOT about golf and that is what they would want it to be. Going on vacation is just way too expensive to do something that will disappoint you and make you miserable. You need to tell them that the 4 of your will be going on vacation there for a week to spend time together. Their plans simply won't work for your family.... I feel your pain...really I do!
1 mom found this helpful
Report This
A.S.
answers from
Boca Raton
on
K. . . . I could be way off base but here goes:
Your mom is all about your mom. Your dad goes along with her the way most men who love their wives do.
You don't sound like a "bad" or "selfish" person to me. You actually sound pretty reasonable.
JMO (and I could be completely wrong).
1 mom found this helpful
Report This
C.C.
answers from
Houston
on
Upfront...it sounds like golf is your issue..not your parents. If given the opportunity to play golf when you all go to Florida..I think he would do it other than spend that time with you and the kids...and you just don't want him to have that opportunity. Be honest. The problem lies with your husband...he is the one you need to confront about not spending time with you and the kids. You figured you have him cornered since you have already layed down the law of "no golfing" when we go to Florida. Can't say that I blame you for that....but I say the problem is with him and not them!!! Get it?
Report This
H.H.
answers from
Washington DC
on
My mom did this to me for my birthday or our birthday's since her's is the day before mine. We have always spent it together, but this year I JUST had a baby. She made me feel horrible that I wasn't spending our bday's together this year and that I didn't care about her etc, etc. I think that you should not bring up the issue, go on the vacation and if they ask your husband to play golf have HIM graciously decline. They know where you stand on this, so no reason to keep bringing it up. If she continues to make you feel bad ask her if she wants to talk this out and if you feel you have then she CAN'T hold it against you later. Let her know that, let her know you have no problem having her in your life, but sometimes it would be nice to have it on your terms and not always hers.
I have the same "approval" issues with my mom, but after our bday blow up I let her know that my family (meaning my husband & especially my kids) come first and yes our relationship hasn't really been close ever, but especially since this blow up we've been tiptoeing but I won't sacrifice myself or my family for her. Don't know if that helps, I hope it at least makes you feel like you're not alone in these issues.
Report This
J.S.
answers from
Columbia
on
You're right. They're wrong.
You can't control your mother. You can only control yourself and your reactions.
Report This
P.K.
answers from
New York
on
OK. I can see both sides since I am sitting here on a keyboard. First, I
really see your point about wanting your family time. It is important. Parents are parents. They all make us crazy. That being said, I can see
how they would want to be a part of a vacation week, and enjoy their
grandchildren. No easy answer here. Can you sit together and come up
with a plan. Golf early in am once or twice for a few hours. Does your husband want to play or not while there? Maybe breakfast together and
then everyone go their separate ways? Dinner on the days you do not
have breakfast together. Is this an all inclusive resort or will you be off
doing things. If all inclusive and you will just be by the pool and doing resort
activities, I might be nice for everyone (yes parents too) to just relax and
enjoy each other. If not and you are going to be out and about, make a
plan that all can agree on. One day they will not be here and you will be
wishing for a week with them. Hope it all works out.
