My sister in law just got diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and started chemo treatments last week. The porblem is, she has moved in with her parents because her house is a wreck. The problem with that is she has two boys ages 7 and 4 that are needy, and my mother in law has lupus, and gets tired really easily and both of her parents smoke and won't quit. The main reason she has practically moved in is because her house is cluttered with so much stuff it's unable to be lived in or have visitors without embarrasment. No one will clean her house so that my mother and father in law get to rest and she can't rest in her own home. How do I go about getting the house cleaned out without causing problems or being pushy? I have known the woman for 5 years, and have never set foot in it. Her own mother has only been inside twice. What can I do to help and not cause problems?
Thank all of you for the support and the wonderful advice. My hsband spoke with his sister's husband, and he has started the clean-up process. My mother in law is going to check on it this weekend, and if it's not in order, she is going to call us to come and help finish it up.
L.,
I would have to say just go in and clean the house even if you have to pay someone to clean it. Right now she does not have a choice. She will appreciated more than you ever know. Sometimes person do not know how to declutter their home and they will not ask for help. If you are in Georgia let me know, I know of someone that can help you.
It's been my experience that when someone is dealing with serious illness of themselves, spouse or child, they welcome any help of this nature. What would be seen as intrusive during a normal time is welcomed because they are so tired and strung out they just don't have the time and energy for regular things. I would just nicely offer and preface with the fact that you know she doesn't feel like it, and her children aren't old enough to do it and you would love to help her out in that way.
I think it is wonderful that you are willing to help with the house. From your email, it seems like the house is more than just messy. I have experienced, first hand, the issues that go into cleaning a house where the home is close to condemnable. The main issue is what to get rid of, what to keep, and what to donate. Unfortunately, the home I helped clean did not have anything worth salvaging. Put all papers into folders and go through later.
My suggestion is to make sure when you mention the "Cleaning" to the sick mother, you give her the peace of mind that you will not get rid of anything you think might be of value to her. Have her write down specific items that mean something to her. Hoarders tend to be obsessive about items that you and I might deem useless. Buy a TON of plastic containers, get lots of help from those that are not judgmental, and go at it. I would not have the Mom involved in the actual clean because she will not get rid of anything. Unfortunately, you will (most likely) not change her behavior, but you will be able to give her some order in a life that is now very stressful. Good luck and God bless!
Get your husband involved in the matter. As a wife to a 2X cancer survivor, I can tell you that offering to clean house is a life saver. Although, some of us have a difficult time excepting help. If you tell her in a gentle way that you are going to do this instead of ask, that may help. I would also see if there is any of her very close friends, relatives, or church folks that can help you out. Once it's done, I am sure SHE will feel more comfortable in her own home. Let us know how it turns out.
Blessings,
K.
www.balterbaby.com
first of all, id like to say that im sorry about your sister-in-law's condition.
you didn't mention anything about your brother. what i gathered from what you wrote, it sounds like her house has been like that from some time now.
and her 2 boys, are they just needy as being kids and wanting everything, or is there something else?
if i was in your shoes, id just take her keys, go over there and clean. i wouldnt ask, and you are not being mean about it. i wouldnt be too worried about hurting anyone's feelings. if her house is that bad, she is lucky that children and youth hasnt paid her a visit.
her 2 boys are old enough to help around the house.
she is lucky to have a sil that cares enough about her.
i hope this helps a bit
I would just jump in and clean the house. Choose one room off the beaten path and make that the room that all the clutter goes in. I would not throw anything away but put it the designated junk room. Then start with one room at a time mainly the areas that others would see first when visiting.
Good luck. Sounds like this would be a massive undertaking.
That is a tough one but kudos to you for wanting to help. A frank discussion with your mother-in-law about what you want to do and why. She would probably be thankful that she wouldn't have to do the work! If she won't talk to her daughter than that really is as far as you can go. I'm guessing that her health is what you are concerned about more than anything. If she is on board then you need to evaluate the house and rent a dumpster,call a charity,or get a storage pod. Once it's cleared of stuff you can get it thoroughly cleaned and invite your sister-in-law back to her nice CLEAN house! Sounds easy but I'm sure it takes it's toll on you but the good deed is enormous!! Good luck!
HI L.,
I would look at www.flylady.net She has a great way of decluttering without getting overwhelmed by the job. Just do it 15 minutes at a time. Pick a spot to start and do that. Have a trash bag for throw away, one keep, and one to donate. Put what needs to go where in the appropriate bag.
Your sister-in-law will be so happy to have peace instead of chaos with her treatments and everything.
If you need a cheerleader. My email is ____@____.com I hope I was helpful.
Good Luck!
Kathy
This may be a long shot but Oprah has a series running called Clean Up America. You may want to try contacting her. Also there is a show on I one of the home channels called Clean House or Clean Sweep. It's a great thing you're trying to do. Good luck!
Being a clutter bug myself, I know your sil would appreciate it. I would suggest that you not throw anything away but put them in boxes or categories so they can be looked at at a later date. My husband gets fed up with some of my clutter and calls his self cleaning and throwing things away. I then have to go out and rebuy things. It also causes a lot of tension between us when he does that. I know I need to clean and I have tried flylady.net but have not been able to do it consistently. I have the "C.H.A.O.S." (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) too. When you finish with her house, want to come to mine! :-)
What a beautiful thing to want to help someone in need of it! I think the thing to do would be to say, "I know you're in a tough spot right now and I'd really like to help. I'm available on Wednesday and I was thinking maybe I could help you get your house in order. Then, I can make dinner for us? What do you think?" Make it open and friendly and non-judgmental. Depending on her response, go for it or respond, "Well, what would you like? I really want to help. You're family and love you." And offer her more than just practical help like cleaning/babysitting/etc. Sometimes the best medicine is a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen: a friend.
I really wouldn't worry about offending. She would probably LOVE to have someone do this and would be so very thankful.
If in doubt about what to throw away, get some boxes and put it in there and put it in the garage. I would get some friends together or other family members or whatever and get some help if you don't want to do it yourself..just so you can get it done quicker.
That's a wonderful thing that you are doing!!
First off .... you kick a** !!!
My SIL hasen't called or emailed me and my hubby is stationed overseas. But she rarely calls when he's around.
I think you should talk to your husband , brother and mil. Then decide . Just taking her keys is stealing and trespassing. That could totally backfire on you. Talk to them to see what is appropriate and best. Your husband should be involved since it is his family.
Good luck !
Wow! that's so nice of you. Where is the dad in all this? get him involved with his home, wife, and children.
I think first you need to figure out if she's just a messy housekeeper or is she obsessive compulsive about keeping things. If she has OCD tendencies, then if you clean her house it won't take long for it to return to its "natural" state. Or maybe she has depressions issues (even before the cancer). It's hard to clean if you're depressed and laying around. you might need to get a counselor involved.
When you tackle the house, if you want more help, I have a friend that's a professional organizer. I can send you her info if you let me know.
Good luck!
You could say you are sorry for her medical problems and as a gift you are cleaning her house
