My SIL just had her 5th baby 2 weeks ago. With every pregnancy my SIL has had, my MIL has not been supportive. With her first two pregnancies (Results in 3 children - 1 set of twins) the father was NOT good guy which is why my MIL did not approve. With her 3rd pregnancy, my SIL was (And still is) married to a really GREAT guy. MIL still did not approve because her and SIL's husband do not get along (Even though he really is a good guy - He just won't let her push him around). With her 4th pregnancy MIL AND FIL didn't approve because of complications that baby number 4 had after he was born. They were worried about baby number 5's health as well as my SIL's health. I can understand that, but I also know how much it upset my SIL not to have her parent's approval. Oh and just so everyone knows, baby number 5 did have to spend a couple of days in the NICU (Because she came early and was only getting 70-75% oxygen) but she was not as bad as baby number 4 was and is perfectly fine now! My MIL did not approve of the pregnancies but of course loves and spoils all 5 of those grandchildren.
With my first pregnancy, my MIL was VERY excited. SIL admitted to me (We are pretty close) that her feelings were hurt over how excited her mom was for me but not for her. Now we are pregnancy with baby number 2. We are telling my SIL and her family today (They knew we were TTC so I know they will be happy) and my MIL and FIL tomorrow. Of course we are happy to be pregnant with baby number 2 but now I feel a little guilty because I know my MIL will once again be excited and my SIL will be hurt. I don't know what to do or say to make the situation better. Is there anything I can do or say?
P.S For anybody that wants to suggest we wait to tell them, my SIL is probably already a little suspicious because I haven't said anything to her about "another negative" which I usually do every month. I know she will be happy that I'm pregnant, it's just MIL's reaction that is going to hurt her feelings. My mom and my MIL have become pretty good friends. They call each other weekly and even went on vacation to Florida together in April. My mom told me that she doesn't want to keep this secret from MIL and wants us to tell her soon (With my first pregnancy my mom had to keep the "secret" for 6 months because my hubby (Then boyfriend) kept procrastinating telling her (I admit I was also procrastinating, Lol) and it was hard for my mom). That is why we are telling them this weekend.
All I can say is to not let your MIL or SIL triangulate you into their drama or their relationship. Just be nice and appropriate to both of them and let the chips fall where they may. And I would try to avoid having my ego stroked by my MIL's preference for me. That's a little strange, honestly (over her DIL) and could come back to bite you someday.
Congrats on the baby!
Congratulations!! I would do whatever you want, whenever you want as far as telling your SIL. And if you get into a conversation about your MIL with her, about how she wasn't happy for her, but she is happy for you, just give your SIL a big hug and tell her you don't know why your MIL behaves that way, but that you love your SIL and her babies. Just keep the communication lines open with her that way she won't start feeling bad towards you because of it.
This is a relationship issue between your sister-in-law and mother-in-law. It has to remain between them. It's sweet that you care so much, and want to protect your SIL... so much so that you want to try to "fix" it somehow but it's not your job to fix it. I don't think that you can. I believe that your SIL knows this and doesn't hold anything against you but she would really need to talk to her mother about this.
You cannot control other people.
You cannot control their feelings either. Nor can you tell your mother-in-law what to do or how to behave. You can be happy and excited for your sister-in-law and maybe (very doubtful) it might pass on to your mother-in-law.
Your mother-in-law is a piece of work. She plays favorites and tries to manipulate situations via her behavior. You can be part of the problem and play along with her. Or you can be part of the solution and tell her you are disappointed in her behavior. Yep. That might put a bulls-eye on your back and change the way she "thinks" about you. are you willing to do that? If not. Then go with the flow and tell everyone and let the chips fall where they may.
As much as you'd like to make this better for your MIL and SIL, there is no way that you can do so. They are responsible for their own feelings and their relationship. Let go of your guilty feelings.
When you try to get involved you're creating a triangle which is not healthy for any of you. You have a relationship with each one of them and not with both of them at the same time. Each relationship needs to be separate. There is a theory explaining all of this but I can't think of what it's called.
Your SIL is your MIL's daughter? If so, I somewhat understand the difference in your MIL's feelings. Your SIL "has" to love her mother; so it"s safer to be more judgmental with her. She's also raised her and is disappointed in the way her daughter is choosing to live. As a disinterested outside person, I am thinking that it might've been best for your SIL to not have had the kids when she did. I believe it's best to not have children when a relationship is unstable. I would also worry about the health of the fourth child considering the risks involved with the third. It sounds like, in your MIL's eyes, her daughter has made some poor choices and because she is her daughter she feels the need to let her daughter know this. It's difficult to let go of the need to influence our children.
All of this has nothing to do with you. it is their relationship to work out. You can't fix it. You can be empathic with your SIL. However, your relationship with your MIL should only be based on what is best for that relationship. Your relationship with each woman is separate from the other relationship.
It is not your place to change this relationship or dynamic between your extended family. You cannot fix this.
Tell them the news and do not stress over what you cannot control.
It doesn't matter when you tell them in this case. Your MIL is a very judgmental person.
I'd be pretty careful around her, to be honest. If she would treat your SIL this way, don't be surprised if she turns on you one day over God knows what...
Keep in mind that your MIL probably has your SILs best interests at heart. She obviously has/had issues with the men with which she has had children. And seeing a grandchild struggle with health issues has GOT to be unimaginable stress for a grandmother.
She's more excited for you because you have done things "properly" and are in a secure, stable relationship with her son, and she seems to approve of your actions as a wife and mother.
Tell your SIL and let the chips fall where they may. The issues between your MIL and SIL are not your issues.
Good luck!!!
