How Do I Get My 6 Year Old to Not Sleep with Me

Give her a blanket you have slept on so she can smell you.

Give her a pillow you have used so she can "feel" you.

She's five. She needs to do this. I know she's young, but she's five. You tell her that YOU need to sleep with DADDY. Daddy needs to feel me too.

You stand firm. As long as she knows you're gonna cave? She will continue to cry and have fits. Sorry. I know this is hard. I think of the part of the movie "kindergarten cop" where the kindergartner says "I'm not a police man, I'm a princess"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYzfTHO9tkY

and she FINALLY hears him after 4 times.

Any way - You need to let her know that she needs to start sleeping ALONE so she can have sleepovers....

You may have to bite the bullet on this.
Get her a nice hug size teddy bear - and she sleeps with that from now on.
Teddy stays on her bed - so it never gets lost.
She's been trained to sleep with you and it will be hard to break the habit.
But she's not a baby or even a toddler anymore.
You have to be firm in the belief that this is for her own good - and a little crying won't hurt her any.
She'll cry a few nights - there will be an adjustment period - and then she'll be over it.
YOU - wear ear plugs - and each of you stay in your own rooms until a set time in the morning.
Everyone gets up at the same time whether they are tired or not.
It will take time to establish a new routine but she's in school already or soon will be and it might be quite humiliating for her if her friends found out she can't sleep without having her mom in bed with her.
How will she ever manage an over night at a friends house until she's got this fixed?
It's time to make the switch.

Additional:
How about you go away for a long weekend and let her learn to sleep on her own when you are not there?
Go visit some family, or take a girlfriend on a spa weekend.

Crying off and on from 9 pm until 2 am is NOT a nightmare. It's a long night, and probably a grumpy morning. I think you may need to readjust your definition of a nightmare.

When kids grow up, they face numerous adjustments. And many of them are not a lot of fun. For example, when mommy takes the child to the first day of pre-school. It's all exciting, and mommy does most of the work (packing the backpack, all the paperwork, etc). Then compare that with going to middle school. The child is in charge of the schedule, for keeping track of homework and books, etc. Another example: putting a toddler in a car seat for a long drive. Mommy packs the blanket, the toys, the DVDs, the snacks. Then that kid grows up and wants a learner's permit. There are classes (often safety classes that detail the potential dangers of drinking and driving complete with awful photos of crashes). There are rules to memorize and lots of practice on those three point turns and laws to follow and restrictions and regulations.

So now your child is, what, in first grade? Or entering first grade? And her insistence on sleeping with you is impacting the whole family. Ending this may not be fun and comfortable. This is breaking a 6 year long habit. There's no need to be overly strict; maybe she could perhaps choose a new sheet set for her bed, or a fluffy pillow in a fun design. But sleeping without mommy is not negotiable.

It's important to help her develop independence. Don't promise rewards. Don't bribe. Sleeping without mommy, and sleeping alone so that mommy and daddy can have the bed to themselves is not something for a party. Inform her kindly and calmly of how things are going to be, now that she's six and not a baby anymore, and be consistent and firm. There may be a couple of loud nights of crying, but don't react. Stick to the plan.

If you're not willing to make her uncomfortable and challenge her to develop confidence, I don't think there's much you can do.

If you want to build a resilient child, you have to look down the road and endure some short term discomfort. And if you value your marriage, you will not have a child in the marital bed or be sleeping in the child's bed instead of yours. This is where, long term, she is learning what marriage (or partnership means). Is that what you want?

So how was it that she cried from 9 PM to 2 AM? Did you leave her there? Did you go in and talk to her? Did you go in briefly and be firm, then leave? Did you do it for only one night? And here's the hard questions: Is this about making YOU more comfortable, or her? And because it didn't work a year ago, you gave in, right?

It sounds like you're trying to use logic with her (night light, helping her understand the number of feet between her room and yours, etc.), but this is not a question of logic. It's a question of emotions, of you being a human security blanket, and of you both being more attached than is working for you. While you feel like you are reassuring her, in the long run, you are handicapping her.

So, I'd suggest that you do what many people do with 6 and 9 month olds, except that you can prep her with a certain amount of planning and some discussions of the "big girl" privileges she expects (whatever it is - bike riding, using the computer, going to a friend's house, watching a certain movie....) and contrasting that with her lack of maturity/confidence when it comes to sleeping. Beyond that, you do what we do with young kids: You put them to bed, you don't give in to whining and emotional blackmail, and you go back in 20 or 30 minutes, pat the back (do not lie down, do not have a conversation, just say "You're fine. Time for sleep") and then you leave. And you (or better, your husband) should go back in maybe 45-60 minutes later and do exactly the same thing. Exactly. Do not linger, be matter-of-fact. Both parents use exactly the same language and technique - whatever you choose, agree on it and do it to the letter. If he can't quiet her down, he doesn't send you in though!

The next day, if she has kept you up a fair amount, you present the facts: you are sleep deprived and exhausted, and she is sleep deprived. You're too tired to drive, and she's not sufficiently rested to do XYZ. No blame, no guilt - just facts. Yes, play it up a bit, but don't be overly theatrical about it. Sort of like "no dinner, no dessert, no argument." I'd also consider a quiet time for her mid-afternoon since "you had a rough night and maybe a nap would help." If that doest work, you can certainly give her time in her room while YOU take a nap, alone, in your own room because you are exhausted. You have to take away what she wants - which is control over you and togetherness with you. The point is, crying and whimpering and whining and screaming at night cannot be a successful behavior for her, and she cannot get a payoff for it. Personally, I would choose a 3 day period including a weekend and just decide you'll be miserable every few hours if necessary, and then you will be done.

So I'm
Probably the odd one on this. Choose your battles. One day soon she will decide in her own to sleep in her room and you will miss her. Just make sure you cut out special time for your husband.

My suggestion would be to begin by changing the location, but not the people. Start with both of you sleeping in her room. She's likely to accept sleeping in her room if you are there. Get her used to falling asleep in her own bed. Once she's asleep, leave the room.

I really think that once she falls asleep, there's a good chance she'll stay asleep. She might wake up and come to your bed, but most nights she'll probably be just fine.

For now, I would sit with her and not leave her room until she falls asleep.

Try putting a small mattress in the floor beside your bed. Tell her that she has to sleep on it. Faced with the choice of this, or back to her room, I would bet that she will stay on the floor. If she starts her crying in your own room over this, put her in her own room and put up with a week of crying. And I mean it.

She will keep this up if you don't put an end to it. She does not need to feel your body to know you are with her. Tell her that it's not fair to you to be kept awake all night. She probably hasn't thought of that. You need to tell her that she has to think of someone other than herself. Even a 6 year old can understand that.

You cannot continue to allow your child to run your lives. Letting a child this age have his or her way just because you can't stand crying is allowing them to run your lives and make them feel that they can manipulate you with tears. If you keep this up, she will be doing this big-time in her teen years, and it won't be pretty.

You and your husband should be sneaking out once she is asleep and going to the guest room to have relations while she's sleeping in the floor. You are correct that her sleeping with you is hard on your marriage. Get tough and make it stick. Perhaps in a year, try to move her into her room again.

When I transitioned my last one to her own room (she was 6 months and had been co-sleeping), I just said the heck with it - I'll go sleep on the floor the first couple of nights. I shhh'd her when she woke up but thankfully, it went easily.

Could you do something similar and reward her? If you have to buy a body pillow, a big teddy, whatever to fill her bed, but you can be next to her on a cot. Your daughter must be able to go to sleep on her own? Say you'll come in and be on the cot. Reward her for sleeping in her own bed.

I mean ideally she will sleep through and she'll discover she can sleep on her own, and in the meantime you'll get sleep. It may not work at all - but at this point, not sure what your options are. I'd start there, and move the cot (or better yet, just an inflatable mattress so she doesn't get idea you're going to have a permanent bed in there), further away. I mean even if you end up the hall after a week or two - at least that would be progress.

My kids have their own sleep habits. One sleeps with a fan on and has trouble going to sleep. I get it. You are your daughter's lovey essentially - her comfort. Maybe give her special comfort time in other ways. Snuggle for 1/2 hour before bed or some other routine that works better for you.

Good luck - hopefully someone has an idea that will help you!

This is tough, but yes I agree that everyone is going to be uncomfortable for a bit and that just has to happen for change to happen. First off I would probably talk to your pediatrician and see what their opinions/suggestions are first.

Second, I applaud you for recognizing that this is a problem in your marriage and you need to fix it...because you do.

I guess my suggestion would be to transition slowly some how. I like the idea of putting a mattress on your floor. You can leave it next to your bed for a few days then slowly move it towards her bed every few days until she is actually in her bed. It might take a week or two but at 6 they understand way more and have the patience for way more resistance. Or, as someone else suggested, you could start in her room and go from there. Put her to bed in her bed and sit on her bed till she falls asleep. Do that for a couple days then sit in a chair next to her bed, then move to the hall, etc.

Honestly, I'd probably have a chat with her that on X day (pick a day and stick to it) you are going to start transitioning her to her bed. I might even present her with the two options listed above and let her pick which one she wants. If she cries and says she doesn't want either options tell her she can pick or you can pick but you will be doing one of them. And you have to do it and you have to stick to it. It doesn't need to be a punishment or full of yelling or anything and you and your husband need to be on board to be patient and calm.

This will be tough but it will be so worth it.

Well first off you can not cave in to her, you said you tried this last year which means she learned that if she just cries long enough she will get her way, now you have to undue that lesson in addition to helping her learn to be okay on her own and that will complicate things. In the end you are the parent and she is no longer a baby, at 6 she fully understands yes and no and if she cries like that it is to manipulate you into giving her her way, I for one never cave to temper tantrums. You are the parent, set the rules and follow through. If she was 3 or 4 I would not suggest such a tough love approach but she is school aged, not a baby.