How Do I Go About Getting My 25 Year Old Daughter to Share Her Life with Me?

Sounds to me like you are needy and she doesn't want that kind of a relationship with you. So back off and let her be. You raised her. Now it's time for her to do her own thing. We only offer my grown stepkids advice if they ask for it.

You'd probably think my relationship with my mother is bad because we are not super huggy, hand holdy people. But we do just fine. You didn't get a daughter like them. So stop trying to make one and appreciate who you have.

Every Sunday, well just about every Sunday, I cook a huge meal and they come and that is good enough. Seems kind of silly to raise a kid to be one way and then complain that you succeeded.

My son is 27. He has a college degree, lives on his own, has a good job. But I was having a hard time connecting with him. There weren't any problems, no anger, there hadn't been a fight, but I was just trying to give advice, ask questions, remind him about paying his bills, etc. He resented that.

A couple of years ago, he told me "mom, every time you see me, the first thing you talk about is money, and then you ask if I paid my car insurance. I got this, Mom."

I told him that I still worry about him and will, until the day I die. He said he understood but that I needed to "chill".

So things are much better now. We came to an agreement. If he is driving a long distance for work, or away for a week or more for work, or if we haven't talked in several days, I send him a quick text. The text is: R U A & W. It means "are you alive and well?" He replies "A & W" (alive and well). He knows that if he replies fairly quickly, I won't bombard him with questions (where are you, are you ok, when are you starting the drive home, have you been eating well, how is the job going, and on and on). My mind is put at ease, and we both know that. I just text back something like "thx" (thanks), and that's that.

And now we get together at a local cafe a couple of times a month, where we get a drink and share an appetizer. I ask him about his job - not things like if he's getting a raise, or if he applied his paycheck to his rent and insurance. Instead, I ask things like "hey, is that guy who you were training doing any better?" or "got any out-of-town trips coming up?" or "so what has your dog done to get into trouble lately?". Those are non-threatening questions, and from there, the conversation flows easily. And I don't give advice unless asked. And then, I try to stay on track. It's very easy to give one piece of advice and go off from there to an entire galaxy of advice. I just let him talk, and I listen.

So maybe you can just share something with her. Tell her something interesting. If you know something about her job, ask something neutral, like did her co-worker come back from maternity leave. Ask her if she thinks you should change the curtains in your bedroom. What colors are popular now? Tell her you heard from crazy Aunt Gertrude and she won't believe what Auntie has gone and done now! Don't give her advice, even if you think she needs it. Listen to her. Of course you're needed, but in a different way now that's she's 25.

Oh, by the way, my son got a promotion at work. A couple of days ago he called to tell me about it, and said he was a little nervous about it, and I was able to encourage him and tell him that he's got the education and most of all, the ability and the integrity, to be a good leader. Then he said "mom, could you help me out?" I was glad to be asked but had no idea how I could help him, since he works in a very technical field. Then he asked "the first planning meeting I have to be in charge of is Tuesday after lunch. Could you make some desserts that I can bring?" He knows I love to cook. I'm excited and I'm making two of his favorites. It was nice to be asked, and to be needed! Of course, it's changed now. He wants me to bake for his meeting. He doesn't want advice about how to conduct the meeting. He's got that.

Yup.
Sorry - but if you have to ask, you probably are.
Stop offering her advice. My MIL does this this still with my husband who is almost 50. It's just odd. It makes everything uncomfortable and quite frankly is overstepping - he's a successful grown man. At 25 your daughter should only get advice from you if she asks for it. Otherwise, you're projecting that you don't trust her to know what's what. That's insulting.

You can drive grown children away like this, so I would just take a step back, and obviously don't offer advice. You say she gets angry - so why do you continue? If she calls you once a month, I'm guessing she does it hoping to keep it light so it doesn't go there.

Form a connection other than mother-daughter. Have something in common as two grown adults/women. If you're always the mom/mentor it's not equal.

If you admire your daughter so much, why do you feel she needs your advice? That doesn't really make sense. Back off, let her know she can come to you, and maybe she will in time. But when anyone forces something, it just pushes the person away.

Good luck :)

you do sound a little clingy, hon. i'm sorry you don't have the closeness with your daughter that you crave (and i get it, i'm grateful and wallow in any time i get with my busy adult boys.)

yours sounds a little more than just busy- if she gets angry at advice at this age, it may well mean that you've offered a little too much of it over the years. we all like to be needed, but sometimes that need to be needed comes off as neediness.

it'll be hard, but i suggest you take a big step back. keep that door open, but maybe don't try to keep dragging her through it. and bite your tongue. this relationship didn't get this way overnight, and it won't turn into a storybook mother and daughter situation overnight. make every interaction positive, try not to bury her in guilt or angst or overblown admiration, and let the first moves be hers.
khairete
S.

1. Never compare your relationship with anyone else's, that's just a recipe for disappointment. Not all mothers and daughters are a Hallmark Card commercial, that's just not reality so let that go.
2. If she gets angry when you offer advice then STOP OFFERING ADVICE. That's pretty simple.
3. She is no longer a child and it's a GOOD thing she doesn't "need" you anymore. You should be proud not saddened by that. If you want to feel needed then get a pet, particularly a dog, you will be needed 24/7 by a dog.
4. Maybe if you leave her alone, back off, get busy with a life of your own, etc. she will be more willing to talk and spend time with you.

I am still several years away from this as my daughter is 15 now, but I still dread losing a connection with her, and I am sure this is breaking your heart. I can also say that your daughter sounds a lot like me! I am really private and have always been super independent. My mom, to this day, drives me crazy with questions and inquiries and advice. It does make me not want to share too much, because I know it isn't me sharing- it's her finding a way to be able to tell me what I should be doing. Now in my 40s, I am more accepting that she is not going to change, and I don't want to look back and not have spent time with her, so I make an effort to do more things with her. But like you mention, I am fully aware that she is trying to get me to 'need' her, not just spend fun, easy time together. So it's not easy.

I am a SAHM and I really struggle when I think of my daughter growing up and leaving the house. What I have learned from watching my own mom as well as my MIL is that I really need to focus on having a life of my own. I don't want to be waiting by the phone for DD to call me, and clinging too tightly to her, I know it will drive her away. As hard as it will be, I am going to work on finding new connections and interests and probably going back to work. It will help her to know that I have a life, too, and will give us something else to talk about!

It doesn't sound like there are really any problems with your relationship, it just isn't what you envisioned, and no doubt that is hard. Give her some space, and when you do talk to her, practice just listening. Ask her questions that aren't interrogating questions. If she says something about a project at work, for example, say "that sounds interesting! what's the most challenging part of that project for you?" NO ADVICE to follow... just questions that let her talk about what's going on with her. Over time, she'll learn that calling you isn't a chore. But it does take time! If my mom changed course now, I'd be suspicious for a while, I wouldn't change my behavior overnight either!

Good luck. I hope you take these suggestions (not just mine, everyone's) for the loving reality checks that they are meant to be. No one is trying to hurt your feelings, but if we all said "yeah, you're totally fine, don't change a thing" we wouldn't be helping, right?

Yes, you're being needy.
25 is a busy age.
At that age I was just out of college, starting my career, moved several states away from home AND was maintaining a long distance relationship with my boyfriend who would eventually become my husband two years later.
It was exhausting.
So my Mom was lucky to get a call from me once every few months.
But she was busy too!
She had just got a new boyfriend, was getting close to retirement AND was FINALLY doing some traveling she'd been wanting to do her whole life.
Sometimes I'd call and she'd be out of town.
She certainly was NOT hanging around the phone (this was before cell phones) waiting for it to ring!

Your relationship is just FINE!
Stop being envious of what other relationships appear to be.
Especially as she gets a bit older, gets married, has kids of her own - she'll want more contact with you.
Give her some space - she doesn't need smothering right now - she's putting her finishing touches into her personal growth as an adult woman.
Keep channels open and (by the way, once a month phone call isn't bad at all) talk about all that YOU'RE doing and she'll be more likely to share if she's not feeling pressured to share.
Do not offer any advice unless she ASKS you for it.

I suggest that if you build a life for yourself you won't need your daughter to need you. I suggest your need may be causing her distance.

Volunteer. There are so many people who need help. Research non-profit organizations.to find one which sounds interesting. If you're busy you'll have less time to think of how she's not meeting your needs.

I urge you to read about co-dependency. Each one of us are responsible for our own happiness. It is not healthy for you to need frequent contact from your daughter.

Typically, young women in their 20s are busy separating from their parents and becoming their own person. I agree with people who suggest asking more open-ended questions about what she enjoys doing right now and learn to sit with the new dynamic of not advising, but listening and being supportive by just letting things be.

I also agree with the suggestion that maybe it's a good idea to find other ways to fill yourself up. In my situation, I don't have the sort of relationship with my own mom that I would like to have, and it does make me very sad. However, I've accepted this and found other ways to get my 'bucket filled', so to speak. Put some efforts toward doing something which feels fulfilling for you and lest you grow as a person. My son is only 8 right now, and I've already noticed that we both do better when he isn't the center of my entire world. It's not a popular idea of how to perceive parenting in this hyper child-centric era, but it's a heck of a lot healthier than expecting our kids to fill our emotional needs.

My parents never offer me advise. Never! Well, almost never. I could count on one hand the number of times they have offered me advise in the last 20 years ... and it was always when they really, really were concerned.

Stop giving her advise. If she wants your opinion or advise, she'll ask. She is an adult, and she needs to live her life. If you want to be a part of her life, be a part of the life she has made. Show an interest in her. Take her to lunch. Ask her how her job is going. Ask her how a class is going or something she is involved in. Share things that are going on in your life.

But do not offer advise. It makes her feel like you think she can't handle things on her own. It undermines her confidence.

Your daughter doesn't want parenting anymore. You're not needed *in that role*. She wants you to respect her as an adult equal who is perfectly capable of making her own decisions. (Even if you're secretly worried.) Treat her like a peer, not like your child.

Offer advice when you're asked for it. If she doesn't ask "What do you think?" then don't tell her what you're thinking.

When she calls, talk about yourself. What you've been doing, your upcoming plans, etc. Focus on yourself. You need a life and a role in it that isn't "Mom". You need to find fulfillment outside of your adult children and shouldn't be looking to them to feel needed.

It's going to take some time. First you need to change how you interact with her. Then she's going to have to realize that she doesn't have to avoid you anymore because you're not going to be the critical and/or needy person you used to be. Don't expect overnight miracles.

You have three other kids. Back off your daughter for a while and wait till she grows up some. Stop offering advice if she doesn't want it. If you give her space, she'll come around eventually.

Other than the normal need for independence, perhaps you need to look at your part in this relationship. As a parent, we need to give less and less input as they grow up (unless they ask) and this is a fully grown woman! At this point, just try and give her space and love but no input and see where it goes from there. Hang in there!!

Love the positive ideas below about what you can talk to your adult child about.

I'll add: If your child asks for your opinion or advice, give it briefly, and never, ever, follow-up later with a question about how things worked out or if she followed your advice. I learned this from my Mom and found it got easier and easier to confide in her, because she gave me her opinion to consider and never expected me to feel I had to follow it.

All my best. This is not easy.

I get the need to feel needed. But your work with creating a person to be responsible and to live is the world is over. Be thankful that you were able to get her through a lot of rocky areas in her teens to the adult she is.

Now it is time for you to finally do all the things you put on hold raising your child. Go back to school, join the book club, take up a hobby. You need to find interests for you that do not include your daughter's every word and activity.

The relationship you have with your daughter started a long time ago when she was an infant. Somehow you got all hung up and lived your life through her. Now you are having a hard time separating your two lives. Your daughter is still there but feels like you are being too nosy about what, how and whom she doing things with. The more you insist the more she will pull away until there is no relationship at all. If she should marry she may not tell you or she may not let you know she has a child because you are too demanding. Sorry to be so blunt and in your face. We have had several moms over the years post similar statements about their daughters and it's because mom couldn't let go.

I have a daughter who is 38 and we talk everyday several times a day. And then there are periods we don't speak for about three days and we will talk. She lives in a different state in a large metro area. I trust that I have put in here all the things that she needs to survive on her own. The same with my son in a different state.

Do report back to us after the holidays and let us know how things are improving.

the other S.

ETA: Remember you other children are waiting how you respond to the first so that they have an idea of what will happen to them and they will make their own decisions which may mean that they, too, will pull away from you. My life is my children but my children are not my life. Something to think about.

It would help to know the background of your relationship with her, say, from her teen years on. Was she always private? Did she perceive your questioning as intrusive? Did she perceive your advice as condescending or critical? Most teens do to an extent, but if either (or both) of you kind of went overboard, that can make the rift wider. For example, my mother was a know-it-all type who only wanted me to do things HER way, and as I result I pulled away and told her practically nothing. Or maybe my teen moods prompted her to try to help more, and then I rebelled. Sort of a chicken or the egg thing, it's hard to know what came first.

If you find so many things about her to be admirable, have you told her this? And if so, do you follow up with, "Since you are already so accomplished, here's what I think you can do even better"?? My mother, for example, tells others how great I am, and then critiques me because she feels my accomplishments are a reflection of her parenting. So the better I do, the better she looks to others. On the other hand, my stepdaughter's mother is extremely needy, and has required my SD to be the adult since the age of about 10. Nothing gets shared with her because she (the mom) can't handle it and gets all stressed out. Obviously, these are 2 extremes, and the rest of us strive to be somewhere in the middle.

Without more detail from you, I'd suggest that you tell her how proud you are of her (and cite a specific) and then stop. Don't offer advice. Don't suggest how she can be better.

At this point, if she hasn't shared info with you, you aren't in a position to offer advice anyway. By your own admission, you don't know enough about her life to be a valued counselor whose input she seeks.

So try to not have a goal that you will be holding hands and sharing confidences, and see if you can just share little bits of news about your lives with each other. Invite her to lunch or to see a movie (where you will be together and not talking, but you can share some laughs). Don't focus on the finish line, just on the first steps of the race. Whatever this situation is, it has built up over time. Your daughter is an adult, and you are both responsible for this relationship being where it is.

As for being busy - people make time for what is valuable to them. Find other things to interest you that will make you a more interesting person to her, and give you things to talk about besides her and what you feel she needs advice about. Stop any plans to advise her, and find other ways to be valuable to her. By being occupied and fulfilled in other ways, you will take the pressure of her feeling that she needs to be your fulfillment. Then you can build from there.

Good luck. I understand it's painful but you have to find common ground in a gentle way and not in a way that criticizes her for being too busy for you. Even if you're entirely right and she's entirely wrong, it won't help you to reach your goal if you think that way.

I agree with 2kidmama all the way. Stop giving advice unless she specifically asks for advice. Otherwise, just be her sounding board. Listen, empathize, but don't advise or instruct. If she does something you don't agree with, don't voice your opinion. And if it all falls apart, don't say Well, I would have told you xxx...just be there to support her while SHE picks up and pieces and figures out how to move forward. It you do this, she will EVENTUALLY see that you've changed and may very well want to share more with you. You have to give it time though. Change doesn't come easy or fast.

I have a great relationship with my mother-in-law. She never gives advice. She offers help though...as in: What can I do? Can I do something to help? She also gives praise. Such as: You are such good parents. I admire the way you... On the flip side I ry to have a good relationship with my mom, yet I feel like I am gritting my teeth and just trying to get through our visit when I see her. Why? Because she thinks it is helpful to always be offering advice. She thinks she is being "helpful" when in reality she is being critical. To us she is telling us what to do. Her way is the best way or the right way to do it in her line of thinking. I can't ever even get through to her about it because she gets defensive and says Well, I was JUST TRYING to help. I am an independent person and I dislike needy. Stop wanting to feel needed by her. She is an adult now. Go volunteer at a church or shelter if you want to feel needed. I also dislike feeling criticized. I also don't want someone to visit and give me advice. If I want advice I'll ask for it. There is my opinion. Maybe it will help you.

You need to let her go, stop trying to give her advice, and let her do things on her own terms. When you approach her as a fellow adult rather then a child then maybe you can form that kind of friendship with her. See if she would be open to scheduling something with you, maybe once a month a nice lunch out just the two of her, and promise that you will not advise or pry into her life during those times so you can get to know each other as the adults you both are now.