Pleasing the Unpleasable Grandmother

Tell her how you feel. Be very assertive about it. She may not be aware of how she undermines you. Good luck

Hi J., I know how u feel! My mother and I havent gotten along well at all in my years of life. Now Iam a single mom with a son that she basically has to take care of cause the father has dropped out.I just pray alot and know thats its not all my fault because she just wasnt the motherly type.I still love her and get by but its not easy.Thanks for asking for advice cause your situation is similar to mine.Gook Luck always & remember its not your fault.

Hi J.- You poor thing, I know what its like. It leaves you feeling bewildered that your own mother cant love you. But, the sad fact is, she probably is not capable. One thing stood out to me in your letter. How can I just learn to suck it up? The bottom line is, you dont have to. Your responses are what will cause an argument or not. If she says she has no sympathy for your bad day, the appropriate response is exactly what you are feeling. "Mom, you know it really hurts my feelings and makes me angry when you are so cold and uncaring toward me." She may argue the point, but keep returning to your response. "You may not mean for it to be hurtful, but it is." Say these things calmly, without attacking. Just a matter of fact statement about how you feel. There is absolutely no argument for it. Also, in regards to the respect thing. I would consider telling her that you cannot have that type of behavior demonstrated in front of your very impressionable kids and if she cant muster the maturity to act respectfully to you, you cannot take the kids there anymore. I know you dont want to take them out of her life, but it is better that they not see her than start to treat you with disrespect.

As far as therapy goes, I do believe in it 100% and urge you to find someone who will work with you regarding your finances. YOU, not you and your mother, need some guidance in how to deal with her and your emotions so that they do not control the situation. Much luck to you and remember that her inability to give to you has NOTHING to do with you. It is her issue and hers alone.

J.,
I may have alittle something to offer here, as your request reminded me of myself just a short while ago. Once you make us a grandmother, we own the title Matriarch also. We get swollen ego's and become self impuned with parental authority. We like to show this off infront of our sons and daughters in front of our grandkids. No, it's not the right thing to do, but it does happen with some grandparents, just like in your case. My daughter talked with me about this and told me that she felt left out, and like she did not exist since my grandson was born, she voiced her jealousy as grief that I spent more time with him and seemed to be more loving with him. I told her, I did not love her any less, it was just that she was an adult and his little needs were, different and more urgent. He is learning and growing and I love to share the world with him just as I did with her. I began to check myself and my behavior and I stopped ruling over in front of my grandson, why? Because my behavior was teaching him that he did not have to listen to his mom or obey her, even if I was not around. You see, we cannot do anything about what we do not know about. When she informed me, I was able to evaluate myself and made a resolve for how to handle the problems. My best solution was not to add to them. It may be a good idea for you to leave the children with your mother and do something for your stress and relaxation while she has them. You always want to respect your mother, but you do not have to put up with manipulations and outright and blatant obnoxious behavior. She can be with her grandchildren without you around and things will be fine. If you have always had a problematic relationship you can't fix it alone, she would need to be willing to work on it with you. You may truly have to learn to take it with a grain of salt and a quick prayer. I would say pray and ask for guidance and the right words to say when you speak to her. It's about the children, just as you say, and not about you and your mom's inability to get along. The largest thing in common here is that you both love the children and you can agree on that. Just leave it at that, and leave the kids with her on the visits and do your own thing until it's time to end the visit. Or, otherwise, you will have to let her know it is your children, your rules and she will have to decide what is more important, a visit with the kids or no visit at all.

Sending you well wishes for good luck. I'm pulling for ya!
Jen

Was in your place years ago. Did the same as you and bite my tongue most of the time. Although you can't say much in her house, you can in yours. Take as much as you can but do not hold everything in for too long for this is bad for your health. In your home, she should show respect to you and you in hers. When you speak out at her, tell her this and tell her to do it for the sake of the children for it is not good for the babies to see the war between you both.
You are grown and she needs to treat you the way she wants you to treat her. Good luck

Hi J. J, I know how you feel, only it was my mother-in-law. She wanted me to give her my kids, so she could raise them. That was the last time she saw them. You have to do what you feel is right, even if it means cuting back the amount if times she see's them. Your's and your childrens mental health depends on it. Also tell your mother why you are doing this. I have sent a prayer to God for you. Good luck. M. H.

J.,
I can identify with you on this one. My relationship with my mom has become more strained since having children. Just when you think you shoulc be able to identify with each other more... comes that overwhelming expectation/pressure to be the perfect DAUGHTER AND MOTHER!
We've had many small power struggles over this and in the end the only advice I can give is to assert your rules every time. I have to remind my Mom that I'm the parent, over and over. She likes to overstep her bounds and wants to do those things that I think should be reserved for parenting! (And at 40, I'm not a young, needy Mom!)

Good luck keeping the peace... know you're not alone.
T.

Wow!!! Your situation sounds so much like my own, I just can't believe it! I know that you don't want to hear this answer, but the way that I got to a better place is.....counseling! I went to counseling by myself for over a year, and dealt with a lot of issues that I didn't even realize I had! If your mom is treating you like this now, I'm certain that there were some problems when you were a child.

I don't know if this makes sense, but here is what I've learned: I am not going to change my mom or even be able to convince her that she's acted badly. She really seems to have NO idea (though I've definitely explained it to her!). The only thing that I can do is work on myself and my relationship with God--learning my worth in Him.

Since your situation sounds so similar, I think there's a good possibility that your mom has been emotionally abusive and/or manipulative to you, probably since you were very young. It's all about her and what she feels and thinks. What I can say after much counseling and much time spent with God is that I have now come to a place where I can "separate" myself from that and not feel responsible for her and how she feels. Even though she still says a lot of hurtful things to me, it doesn't devastate me like it used to.

I really think you could benefit from some individual counseling--if you want, contact me personally. I go to a counselor who charges very low rates, based on your income. I only pay $30 per session. It has changed my whole life, the way I see myself, and the way I relate to others. It's definitely worthwhile to go through the healing process-you will wish you had done it sooner!!!

As far as arguments go, it takes two for an argument. The next time she starts, look her straight in the eyes & say "I refuse to argue with you".

Now watch the expression on her face!!! It's priceless.
You've caught her off guard & taken the air out of her sail & she won't know how to react.

Hi J.! Gosh, that sounds really terrible. I will say, that I have had part of that experience with my mother in law. We were close before my daughter, but as soon as my daughter was born, I was invisible. At first, it bothered me terribly, and sometimes I would cry...but I realized that if my daughter is in the room, she does that to everyone. She is just oblivious. Is it polite??...no...but I have just learned to shrug that one off. Otherwise, she just sounds kind of mean. Have you had a flat out discussion with her about all of this? Maybe she doesn't realize how terrible she is being. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job, as a mom and a person, and I hate that she is tearing you down. I have spent some time in therapy, over my life. I had a rocky relationship with my own parents for a while, and my therapist told me that some people are just not healthy to have in your life. It doesn't have to be forever, but sometimes for a season. You need to assess how miserable she is making you. If every visit is filled with toxic energy, it might be time to stop visits for a season. If you can suck it up without it bothering you, that is one thing..but it seems like it truly does bother you, and you are storing bad energy in your body. That is not fair to you....so my best advice, is to very politely confront her about the things that bother you. If she does not alter her behavior, I would stop the visits, but continue, just she and you, to try to work out some things. It is crappy, b/c I know you don't want your kids w/o her...but maybe that will give her the wake up call she needs. Just remember, if you stop the visits, that only has to be temporary...but some people are just toxic, relatives, or not..and are just not healthy to be around. Don't let her tear you down..you sound like you are doing a GREAT job!
A. :)

I agree with the other's. Counseling may work. Check with Catholic charities as they have a sliding scale cost. When I had to go I was only paying a dollar per visit.
I also agree that you need to take your mother to the side and have a heart to heart talk with her. If she has demeanored you all these years she may not think or notice when she makes statements about your bad day & hers were worse.
I would mention if this does not stop that you will end the visits with the children until it does because you want your children to grow up positive and with a positive outlook. Point out that you know your children notice she doesn't even acknowledge you when you arrive. You know she loves them but you will not allow this to have a negative impact on their lives as they are at their most impressionable ages now.
Once she learns you are serious, then she might conform to what you talked about, even if it may just be around the children and not when it is just you and her. Stick to your guns on this. My father went through the something simular with my grandmother. But it was because my Mom & Dad were independant and not like the others that needed mama for this or that. Good luck & God Bless!

I have had issues in life with people running over me. My mom was a little controlling but not to the extint that you describe your mom. I went to a small group at my church & we read & studied the book Boundaries. It has helped me tremendously! The authors are Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. It is a Christian book however & think I found it a Barnes & Noble or Borders. (You don't have to be a Cristian to read it) You can also order it off the internet. I also really agree with the one mom who recommends counseling for just you. I go to Disovery Church on Orange Ave & they have counseling called Restoration counseling that is only $35 for 3 two hour sessions. The ph # is ###-###-#### x230 (It may take a few weeks for them to respond so be patient) It has helped me tremendously too. The main thing that needs to change is your mom not contradicting you in front of you kids. Because if they see her do it then they are next & if she doesn't respect you then they will see that they don't have to. Your mom will probably not respond well in the beginning to you setting boundaries with her but if she wants to be in your childrens life she has to follow your rules at your house! Another suggestion would be to leave & go do things for yourself when she comes to visit the kids. Or do things around the house that are hard to get done when you are taking care of them. Don't pay so much attention to her. If it appears to her that you don't need her then she might reach out to you more. And don't confide to her about your bad days, she may not be capable of giving empathy, some people aren't. You can confide in your husband or other friends when you have a bad day. I hope this helps !Good luck & God Bless!

Hi J.,

Don't feel like the lone ranger, my mom was coo-coo too!

But I realized that we're all on different levels of insanity on this planet. Whatsmore, God orders us to honor our parents, and it dosen't say "only if you think they deserve it."

After my mom died I focussed on some good things she
did and agonized that I was'nt grateful enough.

please bite the bullett, repenting is so very painful.

D. P.

It's called selfish, controlling and anal-retentive. She'll never change, but you have the choice to change the way you feel about yourself and your mother. You are admired for going to school, working and taking care of your children. God bless you! And god bless your mother, just give her love, as she appears to be lacking self love. Please keep your mind and heart open and give your children the love and understanding you did not get from your mother.
Been there...
Blessings, S.

Hi sweetie!

Have you considered asking your husband to watch the kids while just you and your mom do a girl's day out? Could just be a salad at Wendy's and a walk around a lake or along a river. If the topic comes up, then take it from a "self-affective" sortof approach. Like, "Mom, when you do_____, I FEEL as if my authority is being undermined." You know what I mean? Moms do tend to become busy-bodies when it comes to their grandchildren. I know my mother now looks down on me for disciplining my son the same way she did me. Go figure. But you know, no one can mother the same way THEY do, so there is no arguing, I hate to admit. This is about setting boundaries, and when someone steps over those boundaries, there should be some sort of consequence until the full effect of your standpoint is felt. And I suggest being consistent. Good luck to you. Hope this helps!

C.

my MIL is like this, so I made a date with her, and found out she felt like I was doing this to her... so Now we do out shopping (which I hate) and have lunch once a month, it isn't 100% better but it is WAY batter than before!

I smile because I can relate to your situation. My mother and I likes control, except that I like to be in control of a situation and she likes to control or be the boss. First recognize that behind the control is FEAR and lack of TRUST. Fear of "it" not being done right and you have to clean up the "mess", and not trusting the person that they are capable enough as you.

I don't argue with my mother anymore, I simply identify what she is afraid of in each situation and ask her to trust me that it will be done right and assure her rather than persuade her. If she still insists, I ask her why she thinks her way is better (and sometimes it might very well be based on experience) and then use your best judgement. As for the relationship, I would try to complement her on how she raised you and show her how much you appreciate what she went thru and that she did a good job. Tell her you want to do as good a job as her with your own kids and INFORM her of the more modern ways of doing things based on facts and hopefully the relationship will improve after she recognizes it is not about a power struggle but that you want to do what's best for your kids as well. My guess is that she ignores your 'bad day' as a way of getting back at you for not letting her be the boss.

That is soo wrong of a mother. But stick to your guns and set the rules. Your the mother now and no one should over rule you! My friend wouldn't let her mother in law babysit after repeated miscommunication. After awhile she go the message, sad to say it took a year or two.

If your mother doesn't respect you, then niether will your kids or others.

I have absolutely no experience with this at all, so you can take my advice with that in mind, But my first thought is that you should do drop offs with her rather than visits. Let her be a great Grandmom. Drop off the kids and let her have tons of fun with them. Then go pick them up when the agreed upon time is up. Maybe in time you two will be able to be closer I really do hope so.

Dear J.,
I can relate. I have the same type of mother. I have been through therapy and yes, it was expensive, and my mothe would not go either. My husband and I disagree all the time over how to deal with my mother. Even though it seems difficult, as you should be able to tell your mom everything, we do not tell her much. She always thinks we are doing things wrong or not good enough. So, I do not let her in on everything, and if she has a comment, we either let it slide or comment back but trying not to everreact to it. I know this seems simple, it is not, but it is the only way we can keep her in our lives, peacefully.

Good Luck,
____@____.com if we can talk more.

I had a similiar situation but it wasnt with my mother it was with my mother-in-law. I have learned with time to ignore her and I realized that she will be in my life whether I want her or not. She is their grandmother and I have to deal with it. Honestly I have just learned to ignore her and everyone else because unfortunately I dont get a long with many of my in laws. At the end of the day do whatever makes you happy because you cant please everyone. Have you tried just to talk to her woman to woman? I dont get a long with my father and he came into my life when my son was born. I've had problems with him but I've gottem myself used to just having a realtionsip with him just for my kids. I know it must be hard for you with that being your mom but you have to ignore her and just think of your kids.

Hi J.,

It's not you, it's her. You will never get the support or approval you want. She just may not be capable of it. Enjoy the knowledge that you are a wonderful mother and let your children have a relationship with their grandmother. You don't have to be involved in it. When she comes to visit, take the opportunity to take an aromatherapy bath, read a book or whatever you don't find the time to do. Let the kids have fun with their grandmother and don't be involved. When they get older, let your mother take them out and enjoy the time for yourself. She really will be doing you a favor, she just doesn't need to know it. Praise her and let her know what a wonderful grandmother she is and don't expect anything in return.

Remember the challenges you are having with your mother and be a better mother to your children when they are adults and better grandmother when you have grandchildren.

I am a mother of 2 grown daughters and have 3 teenage grandchildren. I tried to be as supportive of my daughters as I could and love my grandchildren they best way I could. We can only do our best. If your mother's best does not meet your expectations, be kind to her and don't expect her to change. We cannot change other people. We can change the way we act or re-act toward them.

Wishing you love, peace and healing - Wendy

For whatever it's worth, here are my thoughts on the matter:

Because your mother is a "control freak" then trying to force her to act a certain way (by withholding visits etc) is only going to make matters worse. I would advise trying these things:

Enlist her help with things, even if you don't need it.
Could be anything from asking her advice on dealing with something regarding the children to asking her to teach you how to cook a certain dish. - She may just need to feel needed, reinforcement that she's still an important part of your life, and of course it will allow her to feel back in the dominant mother role that she obviously misses.

Pick a time to talk with her, such as when you're cooking together or whatever, and she has ignored your comment or made a snide remark and just ask her if she's mad at you for something. But you must sound sincere and caring, not angry and accusing. Hopefully this will open her eyes to how she's been treating you (if she honestly didn't realize) and also give her the opportunity to open up to you about whatever has been bothering her.

She may just be trying to prove that she is still the "all powerful queen", and that's fine as long as she isn't purposely going against whatever you say just because you said it. But I believe butting heads with her will only make things worse and you need to try a softer approach.

Tell her what a great Mom she has always been and reminisce about something good from your past. Thank her for teaching you how to be a good Mom to your own children. Get a discussion going so SHE will talk too. This might be a good time to ask her advice on something.

I think once she feels that her "superiority" is no longer in jeopardy she will soften up as well. And if allowing her to feel superior makes your life easier and allows the two of you to get along better, then I think it's worth it.
- You'll still know the truth and can be proud that you've found a way to handle her.

Best of luck to you, my dear.
~ Ree ~