Seeking Advice on Bossy Mother

Since you can't move away and create space maybe you can create space in a different way. Stop letting her come around and spend time with your child. I know it sounds mean but do you want her treating your child the same way she treats you someday? Sometimes it takes being deprived of something to see what you are doing is wrong. Maybe after a month of no contact mom may call and find out just what is going on and then you can tell her how you feel with the ball in your court. You are a grown woman who is raising a child and working full time and she should show you the respect you deserve.

My mother is gone now but she was tough. I can remember yelling back at her some of the things you are talking about. Like "I not your child anymore! I am Doug's mother now and you will treat me with some respect." Or "stop being such a martyr! "

Good luck and remember you are the boss, you just haven't realized it yet.

And one more thing, Try to have a frank conversation about her health. I just remembered that the worst of her bad behavior happened when she found out she had cancer and wasn't telling anyone.

Good luck

My mom has always been a very difficult personality. In fact, I remember smiling for weeks after a visit to my grandmom (mom's mom) in the nursing home. My mother and I went over to visit Grandmom, and my mother started bossing her around, as she usually did. My grandmother, God bless her, had broken down physically, but her mind was sharp as a tack right up until she died at age 96. As my mother was bossing her around, my grandmother just said very loudly, "Marian, you have been bossy since the day you were born, and how anyone puts up with you, I'll never know! If I had the strength, I'd throw you over my knee and crack your behind for talking to your mother that way!" LOL Maybe you had to be there.

Anyway, my mom's personality has been the same all her life. She's 78 now, and I barely made it through having her stay with us recently post hip replacement surgery. I was very, very relieved when she was finally able to return to her own home and take care of herself. You didn't state specifically, but it seems from your post that your mother's behavior is a change from her norm. In that case, I think perhaps she needs a thorough physical evaluation. Certainly, menopause brings on changes, but at 64, your mother should be through the real craziness of that. (Ugh... I'm going through that now!) What you said about your mother's weight gain, however, jumped out at me. A sudden significant weight gain could be an indicator of a serious problem. She may have a thyroid problem, which can also cause problems with concentration and behavior. She may also have developed diabetes, and uncontrolled blood sugars can cause all sorts of swings in personality. Neurological issues could also be playing a part.

The problem is, if your mother doesn't want to talk to a doctor about this, there isn't much you can do. Even if you call her doctor, he/she can't make your mom come in for an evaluation. Your father is probably most in the position to push the issue, but unless your mother is declared incompetent in some way, no evaluation can be done.

Try to catch her at a calm moment, and perhaps she can be persuaded to be checked out.

Hi S.

My Mother and I have had a difficult relationship in the past. My mother sounds much the same as yours, always right and has opinions that are the law... I know how you feel, she is a good grandmother but you are not a child and deserve to be treated with respect. And to me, that is the main issue here, respect.

I solved this issue for the most part before I had kids because my mother was in my house and raised her hand as if to slap me, for God only remembers what. I said to her, this is my house and if you think for a second you are going to treat me like a child and with disrespect you can walk out that door and never be invited back. And that was pretty much the end of it.

I think a good way of addressing the way she condescends is by saying something to the effect of: if you seriously think that you were unable to teach me these things when I was a child then you missed your opportunity. I'm not sure how to put it in a softer or more polite tone, pointing out that she is who raised and taught you and that she should have confidence in what she did should be enough ( you'd think right...)

I'm sorry I can't give you more ideas, I know you want to preserve your relationship and only want the respect you also deserve. Hopefully you can point out to her that you both are adults and deserve the mutual respect that comes with that.

Sounds a lot like my mother...luckily she lives 6 hours from us now, so I don't have to deal with her every day. The way I see it is that you have 2 options: 1.)Tell her if she wants to continue having a relationship with you, she needs to change her ways. Someone so toxic will drain you of your positive energy which will reflect on your relationship with your own baby. OR 2.) Change your response to her behavior. When she does things that anger you, just let it go and move on. Agree with her even if you don't.
After years of arguing with my mother, and endless pleas for her to change her behavior, I decided I would just not let her bother me anymore. When she makes negative comments, I will just agree with her (which pisses her off even more) or point out that it must be so difficult having to be right all of the time. The more I expressed my concern about her poor eating habits/bad health, the more she dug her heels in and argued with me. She is a grown woman and has issues with control...the last thing she wants to hear is her daughter telling her what to do. Just letting her be "right" all the time (even when she is totally "wrong"), has improved our relationship tremendously. I've learned in life that you either have to accept things as they are or change your perception of how you view things. You can't change someone else's behavior...and it will only frustrate you to try.
Good luck!
J. W