Need Help on How to Handle This Situation

Dear T.,

With all due respect, just the tone of your posting sounds overwhelming and dramatic. I can hear the frustration and sense of lonliness from what you wrote, I definatley symphathize with you.

I am older than your daughter but younger than you. I too have children and can emphathize with the dilimma you're facing. So...here's my advice..... Your daughter and her husband are excited about expecting and they probably haven't quite adjusted to being married yet. She has in a sense gained another mother-figure and is probably eager to include her and the rest of her husband's family in this most exciting time.

Unfortunaley, daughters tend to take their own mothers for granted....sad but true. But, just the fact that she is coming to you in times of need says she really trusts your judgement and counts on you to point her in the right direction when her back is aganist the wall, so that is good.

I say the way to fix this and get back on track is to start praying over your relationship with her and your son-in-law and you future grandchild. By praying over the relationship I mean...start talking to God about it and start talking to the situation telling "it" to be the way you want it to be instead of dwelling and talking all the bad stuff. When you do this you are creating the future you will have!!!! I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but God gave us the ability to create with words.....find out about it in Genesis of the Bible. It says He created us in His image and if you watch the first part of that book it shows you that God created with His words by speaking what He wanted. Since we are created in His image then we too have the ability to create with our words....right? OK back to you. Start creating the relationship you want to have....one filled with openess and love and bonding, or whatever, with YOUR WORDS!!!!!

I hope you can hear what I've said...go check it out in the Bible or with someone you know who has spiritual teaching. My prayer for you is that the eyes of your understanding will be enlightened so that you will know the hope that He has called you to. (Ephesians 1:18)

T.,
I can't say that i can relate to you on exactly but I do think that the way your daughter is treating you probably won't last much longer. I really didn't have a lot to do with my mom either (I can relate more to your daughter on this one) but as soon as I had my son I NEEDED my mom! I never thought I would. I don't think I would have survived the 1st year without her. I also had a good relationship with my inlaws but it still isn't the same. So just hang in there. I think she will soon come around.

T., in my experience I know that when there is disunity in a family it usually bc of lack of communication and/ or there is backbiting involved. The most important thing to do for the good of you family is create a lovable environment and try not to nit pick at your daughter for her relatioship with her in laws. Instead try to be loving, caring and as non judgemental as possible and maybe she will start to feel closer to you. Sometimes us women can unknowingly be a little passive aggressive and create tension that is not seen but is felt. Try to be as loving as you can towards your daughter, this is a very stressful time for her and she is going to need her mom's advice and support....in other words, make it all about her until her hormones subside...aftyer that child is born, she will have a whole new appreciation and understanding for how much you love her and all you have done for her.

T., I am not going to bash you and tell you this is all your fault like some of these posts. I have reread your post several times and I don't see that you are being selfish. What you are going thru is natural. Sure there could be a reason that your daughter is acting this way, but the main thing is that you figure out how to have a relationship with your daughter and grandbaby. To me, it sounds like your daughter is the selfish one. Since she only comes to you when she needs something. Part of this could be due to only being 20. I say give her a little more time. I know like someone else said, I gained huge respect for my parents after I had my daughter. She is having to go thru a good bit. I say let her know you care and want to be involved and really that is all you can do! HUGS.. I hope it works out for the best!

As the other reader mentioned, your tone is a bit disturbing. I'd say give your daughter the space she needs during this time. Be glad that she has in laws that love her and don't resent that relationship. Be supportive of her and don't try to force anything. If you keep going the way you are, you are going to push her away and destroy any chances of them spending more time with you. She is an adult now with a family of her own.

What do you think caused this situation?

Hello i am T. and i feel your pain, i have a 18 yr old and 8 5 and 6 yr old and she is not calling them and wanting to talk to them and call for her, and wanted her to be more involved with them but she refuses and i had to learn to let her be, and not speak bad about her to my other kids but to let her have her way the more i called the less she called so now i talk to her but not often sometimes you have to let people go and they may come back, but know that even if they don't you tried and that is all you can do and pray and forgive them. Let God handle them.

T., I would recommend that you do some soul searching. If your daughter is treating you in this way that is disrespectful in your view - ask yourself, " what have I done or not done throughout the years with my daughter that may have led her to treat me this way?" Most times, if there is a rift between family members - it's not just a one way street , if you know what I mean. Everyone should hold themselves accountable for problems that occur within relationships. If you want to blame your daughter alone - you may never have the relationship you are yearning for with her or her children. Maybe you need to ask your daughter to lunch and have a real heart to heart with her. Ask her why she feels the way she does. I know you've told her how you feel, but maybe she has not yet had the opportunity to tell you how she feels. I would allow her to get whatever it is off her chest that she needs to. Listen to her, and then apologize to her for whatever it is she feels has hurt her. Ask if you can both start over fresh. Good Luck

Hi T.:

Obviously there are two sides to every story and we've only heard yours. The only thing thatI can advise is to finmf out why your daughter feels the need to distance herself from you. Do you hate her husband? Has there been tensions between the two of you because of her husband? have you had confrontations with her husband? What have you said or done or not done that would make her feel like she needs to stay away from you? These are rhetorical questions to ask your self. Once you address the REASON why your daughter feels the need to not be around you unless she absolutely needs something, then you may get to the root of the problem.

Good luck.
E.

As a mother it is our job to love our children. We may not love their choices, but the unconditional love should always be there. I think this is what your daughter is seeking from you. I do not know the true relationship she has with her in-laws but her relationship with you is one that she is open enough to come to when she is in need.

We are all pieces to each others puzzle. Your piece fills the space for need in her puzzle. All I can say is to continue to love and be there. Patience. She loves you and when everything settles down, you will have your place in this relationship. It is all new and she has to try to make room for everybody. It can be overwhelming especially now that there is a baby on the way.

I am sure the exclusion is not intentional. Continue in your path of love and being there. That may be your place for now.And as she has shown in the past, when she needs her mother she will be back. Some contact is better than none. If you pressure for more time, you may get what you expect and you may get what you don't want.

I hope this helps.

L. S

Maybe you are over reacting! Let me tell you, nothing coudl have ever brought me closer to my mommy! I was 27 when I delivered my baby. As soon as my child came into the world, I instantly found a new respect and love for my mom. Also, 20 is so young! She is hormonal, confused, just pregnant! Think of it as her starting her period all over again! just be super supportive. Make them a dinner every other week, adn bring it to them so she doesn't have to cook! That's a great (non-nosey) way to pop in and check up on the parenst-to-be!
You also should seek God's control over the situation. Begin praying that God will lead you to say and do the right things! Gods will is at work RIGHT NOW, and you are to upset to see it unfolding!
GOOD LUCK!

Can you appeal to your son-in-law? Tell him how excited you are about the coming baby and you hope to spend more time with all three of them? Do they live in the same town as you? Can you make an extra effort to call your daughter and ask the questions that she's not telling you about? Maybe the situation can be chalked up to pregnancy hormones. Good luck.

Hi T.,

I'm 32 and mother of a 19-month-old boy. I think if I had been pregnant at 20, I would have treated my mom the same way. At her age we think we know everything there is to know about the world and that we have it all under control (so not true! We only realize that when we get older!). I don't know if it is the case, but even though I was always sort of mature for my age, my mother always expected more from me. She treated me like a teenager even when I was 26! Therefore, I responded likewise. I wanted distance. She did not respect me. I think that happend mainly because she didn't approve of my boyfriends. Eventualy I married a great guy - both my mom and I agree on that - and she started treating me like an equal. She is a great mother and I love her. She and my sister are my best friends. The hardest thing in a parent-child relationship is learning how to let go. Be patient, talk to her, and don't take it too personaly if she ofends you. She is upset and so are you. Consider getting some counseling if you both cannot get to the bottom of this.

Good luck,
A..

T.,

Hang in there. My own experience (as a young adult, and even now that I'm in my 50's) is that the people I most want to spend time with are the ones who aren't expecting me be or do certain things for them, but they just like me for who I am....so I suggest you approach your daughter in this same way. This will free her to do and be what she's comfortable with...instead of reacting to your expectations of her. Just let her know that you love her and enjoy the time you do get to spend with her....without making her feel guilty for not spending more time. Make sure your own emotional needs are met in other ways, with other people, so that you don't seem "needy" to her. That's important. Otherwise, it's almost impossible not to let some of the sentiment of "I wish you came more often" slip into the conversation...and you end up laying on a guilt trip even if you don't mean to. Guilt isn't the best motivator...and you don't want her spending time with you just because she feels that she has to in order to keep you from being upset. Look for ways you can enrich her life...without expecting anything in return from her. Remember the old addage about letting the bird fly away and if it returns of its own will, then it's yours....but if you keep it in a cage against its will...it never really was/is your own. Let your daughter know that you're glad she has a good relationship with her in-laws....that's a blessing that a lot of new brides do not enjoy. Let her know that you are willing to give her the space she needs to work out her life in the way that's best for her....and she'll more likely to respond positively to you. Let her know that you are always there for her, no matter what.

I know it's hard to let go...but like so many other things....when you let go of the rope...the other person doesn't have any reason to pull against you. As she continues to mature and work out her new role as a wife and mother, she'll hopefully be more able to respond to you as a friend as well as a daughter.

If I were you I would stand back and see what happens. You could stop being available when she needs you. If she can't come around on your turns as well then don't be available for her. When she calls are come by tell her that you are busy are just aobut to step out. NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS FOR YOU DO DO SO.

It's difficult to give good, solid, accurate advice without knowing her feelings on the matter.

There's so much that could be present here that, while you're expressing your desire to be involved very clearly, it's impossible to know why you're seemingly cut out of the loop.

It could be that they don't feel you're being cut out of the loop (a miscommunication).

Could be that they feel threatened by your presence in their life together. They may feel pressure or tension of some sort when you're around each other and try to limit their own exposure to that.

Could be that location is more convenient to see the other family.

Maybe you and your daughter need to get together one on one to talk it over calmly and rationally. Instead of focusing on your immediate needs and desires, focus more on hers and theirs as a new family. Ask about what get-togethers with the other family are like -- that may explain why they spend more time with them. Maybe they're more accessible or maybe they're more laid-back or maybe their beliefs and ideals are more alike?

The situation with my family is such that my dad and step-mom are laid-back and calm. Get-togethers with them are always relaxing. When my brother and his fiancee join us there's noticeable tension as the fiancee and my dad don't get along too great and my brother and dad clash a bit, too. As a result of this uncomfortable situation, my brother and his fiancee don't get invited out to visit very often at all. My mother doesn't have any contact with me or my daughter as she's mentally unwell and will not seek help and I don't want a person with her problems around my child.

None of that's to say your situation is like that, but rather to illustrate that there are many variables to take into account.

There's really just so much here that is an unknown that I couldn't even begin to guess what your particular situation is -- maybe you're being too aggressive in your approach to the situation? Maybe you're seeming demanding to them? Think about the conversations you have had with them in the past and think about your wording and how you spoke to them... maybe that could clue you in to what her possible motivations are for the distancing?

I wish you luck in getting more involved.

And I'll share a quote with you that I read a couple weeks ago that impacted my view on life greatly:

Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world."

~B.