IN-LAWS Need I Say More?????

this is a hard issue. the bible says honor thy father and mother but i swear the are some its impossible to do that with. my mom is quite the same way and it drives my husband crazy....lol. if your husband wants to call them let him. as for the kids if you do allow them to see them i'd do it where you and your husband can keep an eye on the situation. sometimes with age comes the realization that they are not immortal and they look at their mistakes and realize they might die alone. my grandfather on my moms side was the same way. the best advice i can give you is PRAY. turn it over to god and let him deal with it.

Hi,
My father is a pastor and he deals with a lot of things objectively. I know that sometimes a mediator is good even if it is just to tell the other party to back off. I suggest going to your pastor and telling your side before going with your inlaws. And don't underestimate the power of prayer. =)

Val

Dear Christina G.

I can "feel your pain" more than you could ever imagine !! I also have major issues with my mother-in-law (father-in-law is deceased) and I have problems with every single one of his brothers, their wives, and unfortunately now their kids who are my daughter's cousins....doesn't seem to bother my husband or them that my daughter who is their flesh and blood relative gets "left out in the cold" and made to feel like she is not welcome. I have tried so many times over the 23 years that I have been married to make it work relationship wise with my husband's family and they just don't get it....they think that they have done nothing wrong and it is my problem. So, I can definitely relate.

Regarding your in-laws contacting your Pastor...that's pretty "fresh" and quite bold to involve someone else in your situation, especially the pastor of your church. Now if they attend the same church, then I could see why they would seek his help. Doesn't make it right at all, but I can see why they think it's ok to do so. If you haven't already sat down with your pastor, I would highly recommend that to you and discuss ways that you can avoid allowing them to upset you. Your being upset over the things that they are doing to gain access to you, your husband and your son is not only ruining your life, but health-wise is affecting you and your family. Stress is huge and I know you are experiencing a great deal of it by this situation. Too much stress is going to take it's toll on you and just go to your pastor and share your concerns and allow him to talk to you about ways that you can reduce the stress and try to move forward regardless of what they do. He will be a great help to you and may I also add that as difficult as this issue is for you and Heaven knows I definitely know it because I have dealt with in-laws for way too many years....but we are all human and sometimes it is difficult for us to just give it to the Lord, just lay it at His feet and let Him carry your load. He loves you, Christina, and He doesn't want this pain and trouble that you are going through, so please spend some time in prayer and allow our Heavenly Father to make it better for you. Easier said than done because we always have this need to go forward and do things or fix things, but sometimes in our lives we can't always do that "on our own".....in fact, you know that we can't do anything without the Lord's help, mercy, love, and grace. So, that would definitely be one of the major things that I would advise that you do.

Next, regarding your husband and the "going back and forth" on how he feels on the subject. First of all, men are program totally different than we are and they have this unique ability to just shrug things off and you want to know why??? They do not possess what we do as women and that is "our worries about family, children, and relationships"....plain and simple. All men can block it from the minds and not worry or get upset like we do because they were not "programed" or designed by God to be the "nurturers". We nurture.....God made us that way for a reason and just like he made us to be the ones to carry and gift birth to our children.....we nurture. Through that process, we worry about every aspect of our relationships with our husbands, our families, our friends, and most importantly....our children. Men offer many wonderful things to all of those, but they can not see things the way we do because they just don't have the "nurturing gene". That is why he appears to not be as worried as you, and believe me, if that doesn't bother you tremendously I would be shocked because it bothers the heck out of me when my husband acts like that. You can't change it so don't try, you won't understand it because you not made that way, so all you have left is to change yourself and how you look at it regarding your husband. I know how hard that is and I struggle with that every day, but through 23 years of marriage, I have learned along the way that I can not change him to think like me, I have to find a way to not allow his behavior to upset me. You need to feel what you need to feel. You are not wrong in your feelings and you should never feel that you are just because your husband thinks another way. Stand up for what you believe is right even though your husband may take another stand on the issue. Know in your heart that this is not a "battle" but a process of a mother who is nurturing her son and a wife who only wishes to have a loving and great relationship with her husband minus all the interference by your in-laws......NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR IS IT???

Also, remember....no matter what you may think of your in-laws and no matter how good or bad they may be....they are still your husband's parents and he is always going to feel torn, so you need to tread lightly in that area and try to understand his "back and forth". He is trying to please everyone and it's not working. Even though he may have had troubles with them in the past, and even though you and your husband were doing great in your relationship when they were not in your lives, they are still his parents and you just can't ignore that fact, as much as you would like to believe me I know....but you can't and so that is something that you need to consider when you are discussing them around your husband. Most likely he wants exactly what you want and he probably wishes that you all and his parents could just get along and be happy, but he knows how they are and that makes it tough for him.

So, to answer your question....definitely go and speak to your pastor in person in his office. Call him, make an appointment and go. You can not believe how much he will be able to shed some insight into this problem and guide you in a more positive direction for yourself and for your family. If you trust your pastor and you know him to be the kind of man to be up front and honest with you, then he is definitely the one to seek advice from first. I am only saying that because I don't know what kind of relationship he may or may not have with your in-laws since they did call on him for help. Do they go to the same church and that's why they called him?

Prayer....you really have to seek the Lord's guidance and go to Him in prayer. I am quite sure you have already been doing this, but just as a Christian myself, I know how hard it can become in our prayer lives when outsiders bring tension and worry and we sometimes get so caught up in the "drama" we forget to spend time with God. So, definitely continue doing that.

Then try to find some way to avoid discussions with your husband about them unless it becomes too intense with what they are doing behind your back. But, keep it as close to yourself as you possibly can, seek out others like you have done here on MamaSource.com so that you can have your time to "vent" and release the stress and if you want to write back and forth to me as your "vent" partner....I'm available!!!!

Please let me know how it goes and I will be praying for you and asking God to shine upon you and remove all stress and doubt from your heart and your life. I ask that our Lord and Savior watch over you and your family and bring many blessings your way today, tomorrow and always. I will give Him the praise and the glory for making you to be the best mom to your son, the best wife, partner, and best friend to your husband, and a faithful child of God. Remember, He is there with us on the mountain top of our joy and happiness and He is there with us when we are in the valleys faced with trouble and a heavy heart. Let Him take it over because He loves you and He doesn't want His child to suffer or be upset. IF IT'S BIG ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT....IT'S BIG ENOUGH TO PRAY ABOUT.

I truly hope this helps and I look forward to hearing from you.

In Christ,
T.

Christina,
I don't know enough about your situation with your inlaws. Do you think your Pastor would be able to help the situation? I will pray for your inlaws. God can change the situation, so the only thing I know how to do is pray for a change in the hearts of your inlaws. You and your husband will be in my prayers for strength and wisdom on how to handle the situation.
God bless,
L. Jacobs

Hi Christina-

I to had issues with my MIL at first. Ultimitely they are your children and your husband. As my husband likes to tell me when I try to run things ....your not my momma...and I tell him your right I am more than your momma I am your wife and you live with me not her...so unless he wants to live with her...he will try to make me happy first.

So...if your in-laws really love your children...you tell them that they have to respect your first because you expect your children to respect you as well and you cannot have them around disrespectful people that are setting a bad example of how you the parent should be treated....and if they do not want to do that..then tell them that your husband can visit them anytime he want to becuase he is afterall their son...but your children will not come around until they chose to respect how you want to run YOUR FAMILY!

I don't think there is much you can do without upsetting your husband? I have problems with my MIL? She will do anything to get sympathy. She treats my son better than my daughter but my husband does not see this. He did not want to believe that she was having my son call her mommy. I think she tried this because he could not say grammy at the time. I just told my son that I am his only mommy and not to call anyone else that.
I hope your sitituation gets better!!!

I also think it might be a good idea to meet with the Pastor. Maybe having somebody there who's not directly involved will help. Sometimes it takes somebody from the outside of the situation to help those inside see what they're doing wrong. Maybe through some Christian counseling, you all can make this work. If not, maybe just being able to get everything off your chest will help.

L.

Christina if you dont mind me asking what did they do to cause the falling out (not that it much matters if your relationship with your husband is stronger without them)maybe you need to agree to a meeting with them and the pastor and calmly explain while exery one is sitting there you guys have know interest in working things out and if they dont stop harrassing you you will file charges but if you make this threat you must follow through personally i find family to be a top proitity, i don know what i would do with out my parents or what we would do with out my boyfriends parents the 4 of them are great we do have a good relationship with both of our parents and our parents get along get also i'm always one to suggest trying to work it ut but without knowing the history i dont want to suggest it

I too had many problems with my parent's interfering and my in-laws. We would go for years not speaking to them because of their stunts. When we were connected our lives were so stressful! We moved 1,000 miles away and that helped a lot because we didn't feel pressured into seeing them on the holidays and such, and they wouldn't hear what was happening in our lives. Sure, I wished that my kids had grandparents in their lives, but un-healthy relationships are even worse for them. Never let your kids hear you bad talking them.

Your husband sounds as if he still has strings attached. I would suggest that both of you go to family counseling. Maybe if he hears a third party tell him how un-healthy his relationship is with them it will help rid him of guilt feelings. Anybody can be a biological parent, but that does not make them a true Mom & Dad. They need to get their own lives. Please make a mutual decision about how to handle this situation; if you don't he may one day accuse you of forcing him away from his parents. Luckily we made decisions that were best for our whole family.

It sounds as if you made the right call about keeping your son away from them. So don't backslide. Good luck!