How Do I Teach My Son Not to Hit?

Updated on January 27, 2011
S.B. asks from Chicago, IL
8 answers

Hi Mamas,

My son is nearly 15 months old, and he has gotten into a tough stage. He smacks people in the face, pulls hair, and head butts. Since it is just me all day long, it ends up being me that gets the worst of it. I don't know how to get him to stop! I say No, and I hold his hands down as I say it, but then he head butts me and laughs. I'm gonna end up with a bloody nose or a black eye one of these days! How can I be more effective in teaching him that this is not acceptable behavior?

Thanks for your advice!

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P.O.

answers from Harrisburg on

Keep holding his hands and repeating "Do not hit". If you say just "No", he might not get the concept of what he is not supposed to do.

When my kid did that, at times I would make light of it and maybe tickle instead and say "Mommy don't want you to hit, I said don't hit " and before you know it, he is not so "upset" anymore and ignores the behavior. When I use the stern look at times, he seem not to get it and in fact thinks it's something he should continue.

I am not promoting making fun of it all the time, because he should know not to do so, but if he is frustrated when he hits, it for the moment it sort of diffuses him from the problem and he can relax about it..

More Answers

R.D.

answers from Richmond on

My son is 13 months and looooves smacking when he's angry. When he does this, I grab both his hands and smile and go 'niiiiice, niiiiiice' while gently running his hands down the side of my face. Works every time. Now, it he goes to hit someone, I say 'Roman! Be nice!' and he immediately changes his behavior, going 'niiiii, niiii' and petting whatever/whoever is closest to him. This worked when my girls were that age also. Always redirect the negative behavior with the positive behavior, and make sure you tell him he's done a good job :)

3 moms found this helpful
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P.M.

answers from Portland on

Rachel's advice is good. Since your son laughs, I would also suggest you give NO emotional response whatsoever to the hitting. That way you won't accidentally feed his need for attention. Be cool and calm, even if you feel upset, and show him how to touch nicely. THEN give a positive response.

Be aware that overhand throwing and hitting at this age are a normal "developmental" behavior that encourages good eye/hand connection. So give your little guy plenty of practice throwing as a game. That may take away some of his need to use those moves on you.

2 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

Put him in his crib or play pen (no toys) every single time. Don't hold his hands down except while you are transferring him to a safe place. Then leave the room. He wants your attention and he's getting it - the more he laughs, the more frustrated you get (understandably), and the more attention he gets. So if you deprive him of human contact, he'll get the message. Don't worry to much about communicating - just say "no" - don't even worry about "No hitting" because it doesn't cover "no head-butting"!) At this age they don't understand "hurting" someone else - they really don't have empathy so there's no point in trying to teach it. You can say "No, that hurts" just to have a consistent message of things that hurt - but don't expect any real empathy and really don't focus on getting him to say he's sorry. At 15 months, he's not sorry. And that's not the point - the point is to get him to stop.

My son did the head-butting thing at about age 2 - it was awful. I made the commitment to leave wherever I was - a store, a restaurant, a play date, EVERY SINGLE TIME, and immediately. I just swooped in, picked him up, put him in his car seat (I even kept a blanket in the car so I didn't have to waste time with his jacket), and went home. It was a hassle sometimes because it wasn't convenient for me to leave a shopping cart of stuff I needed to purchase, but it ended the problem in less than 2 weeks.

When you take him out of his room, you can say he goes in there if he hits. About 3 minutes of being alone with no toys should be enough. If he screams, don't go in until he calms down. The point is to stop the hitting. He will figure out that it's bad for HIM if he hits, pulls hair. Eventually he'll understand that he hurts others, but for now, it's enough that "hitting equals zero fun".

1 mom found this helpful

L.M.

answers from Dover on

Continue what you are doing but also try this:

When he hits, control the hand he is hitting with (preferably try to stop the hit altogether) and tell him "No, we don't hit". If he does it again, do the same again. If you are holding him, follow that by putting him down as you say "It is not nice to hit Mommy, it hurts".

If you can tell what is going on...he's tired, upset, etc. try to vocalize what he isn't..."I know you are tired but that means it's time to rest not hit" or "I know you are upset that you can't have that toy right now but it is not ok to hit". That way, he learns to identify what he is feeling and can later express it. Also, "It is ok to be mad but you can't hit" lets him know what he feels is ok but how he acts is not.

1 mom found this helpful
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D.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

You just keep doing what you are dong. Tell him 'we don't hit, it hurts', then redirect him to something he can do. Hitting is perfectly normal at this age. If he is hitting because he is playing, you give him something he can play with. If he is hitting because he is mad, you give him an acceptable way to express his anger - stomp up and down on the ground with him, let him hit a pillow or a soft toy.

A.J.

answers from Williamsport on

All my kids got firm smacks on the butt or hand the first time they ever tried hitting, biting, kicking, head butting-anything aggressively on purpose after a clear calm "No" warning. They never did it again to another child, their parents anyone. The habit never formed to be aggressive because they never got past the calm clear warning after that. I've never had to worry about them hitting, the message was so clear.
I actually had to teach my 2 1/2 year old son it was OK to "hit back" when a "time out kid" was hitting him every day at the gym daycare. I let his mom know my son was free to hit back so her son would be learning the logical consequence to hitting people one way or another.
Likewise, my brother and I would have been spanked for a capital offense like hitting, and never did it to my memory because we didn't want a sore butt. I've never been in a physical fight in my life, I've always known hitting was wrong, and I'm not an aggressive person, I never feared my parents or hated them and I don't have low self esteem-nor do my kids.

Be brief and clear. He's 15 months old, he doesn't have empathy and verbal understanding yet, but he does have impulse control and it's great first step to responding to your verbal warnings for other serious things too.

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R.Y.

answers from New York on

I would try saying "We don't hit" or something similar in a firm voice and abruptly put him down or in an empty playpen for a minute or two. If you can see he is trying to be playful or just get your attention you might be able to redirect him to clap or play peekaboo. It depends a bit on your son's personality. My 2 year old daughter is easily redirected. My 4 year old son is more aggressive and needed the time out style consequence (and still struggle with being aggressive when he is mad).

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