How Do We Teach My Tween Step Daughter Not to Behave Selfish and Ungreatful?

Your adorable step daughter is not learning from her mom, but rather from her peers. They start experimenting at this age with attitude, 'necktitude, shouldertitude and eye-rolling and well as hair flipping. Just as a 2 y/o learns to get what they want by screaming and throwing a temper tantrum, tweens learn to get what they want with their 'tudes'. DONT let her get under your skin. Instead enjoy her growing up phase. When she says "you are taking it the wrong way" you probably are. From HER point of view. I used to tell my tweens its not what you say but HOW you say it. They didnt get it. So I learned not to pay attention to what they said but rather how they acted. If you tell her to set the table and she rolls her eyes and huffs and still sets the table, then hurray. Ignore the dramatics. Its a learning process and she cannot ruin your time, only the way you react to her can ruin your time.

K.,
This IS absolutely normal. It has to be so much harder for you because of the circumstances but I would urge you to do your best not to take your step-daughters attitude personally. Don't say anything you will regret. A huge amount of patience is needed at this age, and i hate to tell you this.......but you have a few years to go.

Imagine the confusion this young girl is feeling with dueling families and values. Yikes, it has to be sooooo hard for her. And it is sooooo hard being a teen-ager to begin with. Hormones, brain break down, growth spurts. YIKKES!

Get the "Parenting with Love and Logic" book. To me this book was my Teen-Age Survival Guide. Follow the advice and visualize what it will be like in about 15 years........my bet is that instead of a step-daughter you will have a daughter. It may look like you are climbing a mountain right now, but with gentle consistent discipline you will reach the top! If you are lucky, you might even get a thank you.

Hang in There!

P.

As terrifying as it sounds, she is asserting her independence, which is a good thing. She still needs boundaries, and you can set clear ones by telling her in advance (not during an argument) what the rules and expectations are, as well as what a fair punishment is -- make sure you all agree, so that she feels like she is being treated fairly and as a person, not like a little baby. She will, of course, push against those boundaries, both to test her independence, and your love for her. She still desperatly needs to know that you love her, care about her, and she is permanently a member of your family. It's interesting that she says "you are taking it he wrong way" -- maybe she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Talk to her, ask her, in a calm voice, what she did mean, and explain how you took it. The sooner you start having a twoway dialogue with her, the more fruits you will see. As Dale Carnegie said, treat people and praise thm as if they are living up to your expectations, and they will. The more you treat her like a nice person who is just trying to find her way toward adulthood in a difficult situation, the more kindness you'll get from her. And vice-versa, if you label her as a rebelious ungrateful kid, that's what you'll get. Good luck! With lots of love, you'll get throuh this and both of you will come out of this great friends and a support system for each other for life.

She is a teenager, she is hormonal and she has 2 homes as well as dealing with her own insecurities, this is a child/young woman who really has no control over anything except her behavior.

Please get some books on how to parent a teenager. Concentrate on the girl part.

If she had one home with family that were around her every day they would have a better understanding of what is going on with her emotionally. PMS in a teenager is 100x worse than adults. If she feels everybody dreads her visits, she is going to feel that. If she is trying to begin showing her independence, she needs to be taught, not snapped at about her behavior,cause it will just perpetuate the behavior in her.

Have private talk with her and let her know that sometimes, you react, rather than pause when you speak and are really working on not doing this. Then ASK her if she sometimes does this and has regrets about it.

Get a conversation going, letting her know she is part of this family as well as her mothers home. Let her know you want her to visit and for it to be a place she enjoys, but now that she is maturing, it can look immature for her to be bossy, to roll her eyes to be having hissy fits and to not speak in a mature manner to others. Let her know you remember how that used to feel and how it is hard to not be passionate about everything, but there are other peoples feelings and they need to be respected if she wants to be respected. Also let her know that her young brothers look up to her and will want to be like her, but how is she going to feel if they start rolling their eyes at her and thinking she does not know anything?

Hang in there. I know it will feel like a lot of effort to an ungrateful shrew at first, but keep in mind she is only a 12 year old girl with a lot of physical and emotional changes going on, and her homes are probably completely different.

I am sending you strength.

This is probably not what you want to hear, but her entire brain is busy being rewired and there is no way to "teach" her not to be selfish. Let her huff away. Then sit down later and talk to her about how important she is to you and your family, how much you love her, and write out a contract that include some ground rules for all of you that you all sign.
This, however, will not solve the problem. Time is the only thing that will. Your new mantra: She is closed for construction. Repeat this as needed under your breath as you watch her roll her eyes, stomp up the stairs and slam her door. Don't give in, but don't come down too hard. Being 12 is a tough row to hoe.

K.,
Your husband has to step up and discipline his daughter and if necessary do it with you. This is one of those things which is very normal at her age and she will get beyond it when she is done with puberty, trust me I know. My husband and I went through the same thing with our daughter, it lasted 2 LONGGGG years. Our daughter is now 27 and our best friend and has told us numerous times how glad she is we stood strong with her. What we used to do is tell her if she is going to behave poorly then she needs to go to her room and if we were doing something fun as a family she could join us when she could act like part of our family. She missed out on a few picnics, games in the pool, etc and lost her T.V. a few times but she learned. I will say this, it might take you a bit longer because your step daughter doesn't live with you full-time like ours. And just so you know boys go through it too only they can really hurt your feelings in the things they say in public but again you need to stand strong. I hope this helps.

T.

Does her dad reprimand her? It is important for him to do it. If you are the only one, you are going to get labled the "wicked step-mom". I have never allowed my children to talk back or roll their eyes at me etc. They may not like what I have to say or the rules, but if they start, I tell them to stop it right now, it's disrespectful. They moment she does it, she needs to be told to stop, that you don't treat people this way in your house. If she doesn't, send her to her room, or have a consequence. (ok, guess we're not going to the movie tonight.) Also, she needs to learn to apologise for behaving that way. She is old enough to be sent to her room until she can get over her fit, and come out and say sorry for yelling, or whatever she has done. Whatever you do, don't react to her by getting upset or yelling. You are the adult. Calmly tell her the rules, and follow through. If you are consistenct, your son will not pick up on the behavior because he won't want to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Hi K.
Blending families is tough, tweens & teens are also tough and add to that a little one who you are trying to mold and you have major stuff going on. My advice: is pick your battles & some my mom gave me with my difficult son. Remember that the child who is the most independent & unruly is the child who needs the most love. Show that love even when it is the most difficult and most opposite from what you want to do. I do wish I was dealing with eye rolling and long pouting faces when my girls were twelve, and they are mine, but she stopped eating. Remember to pick your battles--people at church told me she was rolling her eyes at the SS teacher, it was not the battle I was fighting if you see what I mean. I remember the day that we were taking her to MD, and I was pulling my hair out literally. She looked at me strange said nothing. On a good day, I said sometimes I think like I will be bald before you are grown up. I never got that upset again or perhaps she knew better than to upset me that much again. I think she learned something that day. Be real before you kids and they learn to be real. She still needs more love and compassion than most kids and she is mine.
God bless you and the decisions you make as you rear your family
Emptynester -- SAHM married 40 years -- adult children 38, coach; 34, lawyer, married with family ADHD; & twin girls 19 in college.

I may have no right to answer this question seeing as I have a 4 year old son and no daughters, let alone teens. but my son does the "sassy attitude", "eye rolling", "long pouting faces" and "hissy fits" that you mentioned. I have been trying to combate them for a while now and have found a few things that have helped.

back to basics. "I will not talk to you when you talk to me that way." "Im sorry I can't undersand you when you talk like that."
"i will be happy to listen to your feelings, thoughts, etc when you change your tone and talk to me ..."

When he rolles his eyes I stop talking. I don't respond till he gives me respectful actions.

you are not punishing them as much as you are giving them the choice of what they want more: their attitudes or what it is they are wanting from you. And letting them know how you expect to be treated. They get nothing that they want until that is achieved

Im sure it's much harder with your girls but it has helped us. also the parenting with love and logic book helped explain the choices.

good luck I will need it when i get there