How Do You Deal... - Detroit,MI

Molly:

Go back and read my post about letting resentment go. it's hard. You so want SOMETHING to happen to them - you are walking around with this anger - it's not affecting them. DO NOT GIVE THEM THIS CONTROL OVER YOU!!!

Write down your grievances and how angry, disappointed and all you are. Then forgive them. Walk away the smarter person. The better person. You are now wiser - you are on to them and their schemes and you won't let them hurt you or your family again.

Hugs to you babe!!

Here are a few things that work for me:

1. I pray for them. I pray they find peace, are of their greatest good, are able to find healing and solace, etc.

2. I detach. I do what I can and when something is out of my control (I don't get to change other people) I work on letting it go. I can feel my feelings without wallowing or spinning in them. I can be willing to move on with my life. Ever heard the phrase, "resentment is the poison I drink thinking you'll die?" I like it a lot. My feelings do not have to inform my choices and I don't have to be reactive. I do get to set boundaries, advocate for myself and my family, and learn to be in control of myself.

Hating someone is allowing them to live in your head rent free. This is powerful. Don't give her a moments thought anymore, its a waste of your time and emotional energy and it is STEALING your best you from your family. By allowing yourself to hate someone and stew over their issues, you let them win.

It isn't easy to be the bigger person and move on, but it is oh so worth it! Its a intellectual choice that you'll make every time she comes to mind. Drop the topic and move on. Tell yourself she is not worth it, and picture your lovely family and how they need you to be all there for them emotionally.

Best wishes! I know its hard.

How does the saying go? Something like

Carrying around anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the offender to die.

Well, you get the idea. Time will go by. You'll be ok, Molly. You're WAAY too cool to waste your time, talent, and energy on this.

I mean, after TODAY, then! Right?

:)

I understand what you going through completely. My family has been through the same thing but from my husband's grown daughter. We have cut off all contact with her and will have nothing to do with her. We have threatened her with legal action and won't hesitate to do it. She knows we have the proof. I keep everything that she has ever sent to us. She has put us through hell and back countless times. Stooped so low as to accuse her father, my husband, of the lowest dirtiest thing you can think of. Once she done that we said enough is enough, told her to never ever contact us again. If she did, it will either be ignored and if she continued she will be charged with harrassment and whatever else is needed. Luckily for us it's been quiet for a long while but we know that she'll never stop, so it's a manner of time.

As far as how we handle it. At first it was extremely hard because for me, I was hurt for my husband and I would be extremely mad at her to the point where I dwelled on it to the point of making me sick. I finally realized that you can't change someone, you can't reason with insanity. She was/is unable to rationalize or to understand our side so it was a losing battle. She is sick and that's unfortunate but what can you do? I had trouble trying to forgive her because everytime I would come close to forgive her she would do something again and it would start all over again. You have to keep on forgiving until......Forgiving is not giving them a free pass it is freeing the hate, the fear, the disgust that you are feeling. You forgive but you don't ever forget. If you believe in God, give it up to him. Talk about it, get it out. What I did that helped me was keep a journal of sorts on my computer in a locked file. I would write letters to her explaining my feelings and views and then I would just save it. She will never see them but once I did that, I actually felt better. It was a type of release. Sorry you are going through this. Certain people thrive on drama and can't tell the truth to save thier lives. I know that to be true of my stepdaughter. No one her dad's side of the family nor her mom's side want anything to do with her. She has chosen to alienate us all. That's sad.

Molly, we went thru something like this with my husbands ex. She stooped to levels we never imagined...even for a bitchy ex wife. Anyway, I described it as a "black cloud" following us and never leaving. Even during our wedding, over the holidays, every few days we were reminded of it, some kind of drama happening and you just think, when will it ever stop??!!! But honestly, you just have to remember that the good comes after the bad, the rainbow after the rain. And its ok that you don't see that now, but you just have to get to that place in your heart to understand that some people have serious issues and that unfortunately, you have to deal with it and you just do the best you can. There really is no right answer and frankly, sometimes the way I "dealt" with it was I went to bed. And I would get up and feel better. Like I just needed a BREAK!!! And it helped. Just don't start drinking or anything like that because doesn't solve anything. And it helps to have someone you can vent to that actually "understands" because not everyone does. It will get better...good luck.

Forgive her.

Forgiveness isn't for her really but for you to free you from that internal all consuming anger. I'm including a link with a powerful message I believe may help you in the journey toward forgiveness. Understand that it is a process and is very much like peeling the layers of an onion. There will be tears and some pain but you can make it to the otherside.

http://tylerperry.com/scrapbook/video/73/

You have to figure out how to handle this within you and only God can really help you work through it and guide you to the people, places and things to help you work on this aspect of you.

I will keep you in my prayers.