How Do You Deal with Dinnertime Tantrums?

Thankfully my 5 year old and 3 year old never gave us much food grief. I think the thing to do is promote good eating habits early on and stick with them. Offer choices and show them....would you like to have peas tonight or carrots? Give them the option to pick the healthy food they want to eat. My kids still laugh when I put broccoli on their plate because when it's raw I usually offer a bit of dip (ranch or whatever works). They stick the "trees" in dip and now they have snow on them. I heard from a speaker once that playing with food at an early age is o.k. if the end result is eating it.

Hi N.-

My son, now 3-years old, used to do the same thing (and very occasionally still does).

There are some flaws with this approach, but it works for us: We give him 2 choices when he does this. He can eat his dinner, or we can end dinner, but there isn't going to be another meal later- this is it. If he chooses not to eat any more he gets to look at books or play quietly on or near the sofa while we finish our meal. We keep an eye on him (of course) but he isn't rewarded with mom or dad as a playmate, which is frequently what he's after

On the occasions that he chooses not to eat I include a piece of plain toast or something equally bland/uninteresting with his milk at story time. That way hunger pangs don't keep him up all night, but he doesn't feel like he's gotten a preferred/alternative meal. I also make sure that there's a decent amount of time in between dinner time and story/milk/toast. With the time gone between dinner and story time and the fact that a piece of toast isn't very similar to a typical meal, hopefully he doesn't perceive this as an alternative meal.

The "right" way to do this, of course, is to let them go without a meal so that they learn that it's in their interest to eat what's put in front of them...My son's so stubborn that doing that would be perceived as a challenge and he'd up the ante on the dinnertime tantrums. Then also there's an element of laziness involved on my part; if he doesn't eat and he goes to bed hungry he won't actually sleep for any real amount of time, which means that I don't get to sleep, either. I'm still making up for the sleepless nights when he was an infant; I like sleep. Thus the piece of toast with the storytime milk.

In any case, this approach works in my house- the tantrum ends quickly, one way or another.

Hope that this helps- Good luck!

M.

When I worked at a inhome daycare as a full time helper we made every child sit at the table after they were around the age of 1. The owner and I always sat down forlunch with the kids and ate family style. We made the meals fun and threw in some learning when the kids got antsy like songs and stuff. Noone was allowed up from the table until everyone was done. If you were done or didn't feel like eating to bad you had to sit there and visit. After sitting there and realizing they weren't getting up they usually decided they really were hungry and could really eat more. We by law couldn't make anyone eat, but we could make them sit at the table til lunch time was over. This worked great! Otherwise the older kids would scarf their food down and go play and the little one's would pretend they weren't hungry so they could go play too. Now if we had a kid throw food or have a tantrum we would only give them one piece of food at time so an entire plate wouldn't land on the floor.If they continued to throw food they got a few warnings and then that was it they were done but still had to sit there. If they were kicking and screaming we rolled their highchair away from us(but in view) and turned them around and ignored their behavior. It's strict measures but it worked great! If we kept our strict rules up lunch time was actually quite fun and the conversations with the kids were hilarious.

I'm watching a 2 year old in my home right now along with my own 5 year old. This 2 year old is used to mommy giving her sippy cup after sippy cup of juice all day long. When she's at my house I won't let her have a sippy cup before meals and only let her have a few sips after a few bits or this kid fills up on juice and doesn't eat ANYTHING. I also always sit with them at meals because they're behavior is better as well as being better eaters, if I walk around and do something they act up and don't eat anything.

Everything I have read about dealing with this has said that a child will not starve themselves, and if you don't allow them to have what they want, they will eat what is given to them. It is hard sometimes to see them hungry... it makes you feel like a bad mom if your son is crying for food and you say no... but I stayed strict with my son when he went through that when he was younger, and he learned to eat his dinner. If he eats good, and is hungry later, I will give him something. If he doesn't, then he gets to watch everyone else eat dessert but can't have any, and I don't give him snacks when he gets hungry later if he doesn't eat dinner. He used to know that Grandpa would always give him candy or ice cream or something later, so wouldn't eat dinner. I stopped allowing that to happen, and wouldn't let him have anything after dinner if he didn't eat, and now he usually eats. Toddlers have their phases of not eating much for a couple days and then a lot for a couple days, I try not to get worried when he doesn't want to eat. But he understands that he won't get anything else if he doesn't eat his dinner (I don't make him finish... but at least eat some). He doesn't even ask for anything else later when he sees people with ice cream, if he didn't eat at dinner, because he knows he can't have any, and I remind him of that during dinner when he doesn't want to eat, so that he understands that he is making that choice, and not me. He is 2 1/2, and understands this pretty well. Good luck!

J.

Though I agree somewhat with the last 2 comments I must say for us that never worked. My daughter would starve herself to the point of dry heaving.

For us we have now given her the option of eating with us or at tha table alone later. She is on a different eating schedule then us (always has been) Usually she will eat with us but sometimes she is jsut too busy playing to stop.

Hope the tantrums get better, 2 is hard.

My dausgher started to do the same thing about two months ago. I took my granmothers advise and bought a buster chair. Now my daughter sits at the table with us. She really likes it. She climbs up into it all by her self. I think that she had gotten to the point that she needed to be closer to us. It might work for you.

My boys have done the same thing and still do it actually. They are 4 and 6. I can't stand dinner time. I think we are too wishy washy sometimes. I know when I have been firm and don't pull any punches it goes better for the next few weeks. If I (or DH does) threaten and don't follow through it just goes on and on. Your child is preparing you for when he is three. That is when it gets really hard. If you child is eating even a little bit it is probably enough. Don't worry if he misses a meal. Just be firm and consistant.

My wise Pediatrician told me there are 3 things you cannot, and should not try, to control with a child. They are eating, sleeping, and potty training. You have to set and enforce the rules, but do not get into power struggles over it with them! The child will make this a control issue if you let them. You need to explain to your child in simple terms, that you expect him to use his manners at the table (that means not screaming and crying, he needs to use his words if he wants something)Then, you should offer your child a healthy variety of food at each meal, and when he has a tantrum, calmly remove him from the table for a short time to his room or a chair, then tell him you'll give him ONE more chance to sit and eat with you, but that if he does it again, he will be done eating and remove his food until the next meal. Our Pediatrician said this was okay. The child will not starve if he misses part of one meal. If you allow him to behave this way, you will never have peaceful meals together. Good luck!

We have the same problem with our son. I am trying to offer different foods, eliminate distractions (other kids, tv, noise). We are also starting to offer additional meals throughout the day, mini meals - yougurt, applesauce, cheese. In addition we are offering Carnation Instant Breakfast to his milk to make sure he gets what he needs. You could also try Pediasure.

I have had my 2-year old refuse to eat and throw tantrums. I give him a time-out and when the time out I ask if he's ready to be a good boy and sit at the table and eat. It has worked for me.

Try the booster seat. I know our 17 month old loves to be at the table with everyone.
How much milk is he getting. We had an issue with our second child that all he wanted to do was drink. We were told by the pediatrition to limit milk to 15oz a day. I worked really well and he started to eat.
We have a rule, take a bite or go to bed (or nap). This works really well for my nephew who just turned three. (he doesn't like to eat unless he is fed and sometimes, he just refuses to eat period)
Our rule also is, that is dinner, no snacks, no nothing unless you eat. And our sons have learned, that their dinner will sit and wait.

Maura has the right idea. I also responded this way to my children and most times it worked. I would only add one thing. Take your child's plate of food and put some plastic wrap on it. Put this into the frig. When your child wants something to eat say an hour later, then offer to heat up his dinner but he will get nothing more/different. If he wants his dinner then, have him sit at the table like normal but do not sit with him. Hover in the background behind him. This way he doesn't get used to having "special" time and make a routine of this each night. Good luck!

Dear N.,
ERG! I soooooo dislike toddlers who wont sit still at dinner time. I swear that it was the single, most annoying time of day when my kids were little. Trying to cook and its late in the day...ugh. Well, there is no sence in trying to force a kid to eat. The fact remains that kids will eat when ~their~ hungry. The impression that I get is that at age 2 and 1/2, your little man is probably ready to graduate from the high chair to a booster chair and allow him to sit at the table with you and make him feel that he has more independance by being at the table, rather than a sepearte piece of furniture. He is probably beginning to catch on about how confining the high chair is, thus the tantrums. I can assume that you can buy a very good,(safe) affordable booster seat from Wal*Mart. Once you two are together at the table, you can start working on his table manners. Make it fun, TALK to him a lot. Explain in an amusing voice how and why you place the napkin on your lap and how you hold your fork... How you have to be "shhhhhhhh" silent while you chew your food and act like you couldnt talk even if you wanted to until you swallow your food. Pretend with him that the two of you are having a fancy dinner...even if it is just Mac&Cheese. (Make it fun, but not too much, read on, lol). Bottom line, kids learn by imatation. They have a curiousity about everything they see us do. They study us and imatate what we do. They want to do "grown up" things like we do, sitting at the table seems the most logical advise I can offer. Other then trying a booster chair, perhaps you can plan your dinner time an hour earlier or later, but always be consistant about what time dinner is served. Six O'Clock at my house, everyday for almost 20 years. Also, dont rush through your meal time, especially dinner. Relax and enjoy your little son smearing spaghetti all over himself... and of course...the no-brainer, limit or eliminate snacking about 2-3 hours before meal time.
It's nice to have fun with our kids but you must also remain firm. If your little son simply will not behave after you have tried everything, try this rule..."Kitchen Closed!" As hard as it may be to send your baby to bed without dinner, you cant let them control you and treat you like a short order cook. Sooner or later your son will need to learn to eat at the time that YOU have decided is dinner time. If he goofs around and dosent eat or says he isnt hungry, try this... begin warning him that the Kitchen will be Closed soon. "Kitchen Closed" at my house means that I have prepared dinner, everyone had their chance to eat as much or as little as they wanted, leftovers are being put away and the dishes are going to be washed and, the Kitchen is Closed. No cooking or snacking and making dishes because, the "Kitchen is Closed". The Kitchen will open again in the morning. Except for bedtime snack, you know, when you have a snack before brushing teeth and going to bed. My 17 year old STILL has to have his bedtime snack but, by age 3 & 1/2, he knew that when I said "kitchen will be closing", he had better pay attention to the food on his plate before I took it away because dinner time is almost over. Hope it helps!
C. M.

Hi both of my kids gave me major headaches at the age of two and three. i could never get them to eat when it was time to eat. our pediatrition suggested a kids table and me sitting down with them instead of them in a highchair next to the table and me at the table. It worked! It took some effort though. i had to be consistent and I didnt like sitting on a small stool but the kids seemed to like eating with mom and we still eat together every night .. which is amazing considering i have very active teenagers.

I have the same problem with my 16 month old girl. I hate it.

My son went through this at about the same age. If he refused to eat, we made him sit with us until we were done and he got done and dinner was over. Kids won't starve themselves, they'll eat when they are hungary enough. However we have a rule and have had it for quite sometime now. If you don't eat breakfast, you wait until lunch, if you don't eat lunch you wait until dinner and if you don't eat dinner you wait until breakfast. No snacks without eating meals. Our ped also recomended offering smaller portions like 5 times a day. Good luck, two year olds are strong headed!!

I have a 19mo. old who loves sitting at the table on his booster seat. He probably feels more like he's part of the family than when he's away from the table. Since we've started doing that, he's been eating really well. He also MUST have his own utelsil.