How Do You 'Get Back At' and 'Make up With' Your Husband?

30 years next month.....learned a long time ago, NO games. It's not worth it.

We say it, we get over it, & we move on.

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I've seen spite at work in my family growing up.
It destroys and no good can come from it.
My husband saw it growing up, too.
When his parents divorced, they had resentments that went back over 30 years and we watched them destroy/vandalize their house (they both moved out) over the course of 2 years and it was almost comical if it wasn't so sad.
Spite is one of the seven deadly sins (it falls under wrath).
We decided early on (and before we got married) that we want a spite free life together.
We just celebrated our 22nd anniversary.

Ok, how's this....?

In 1986 my guy was building his house. He wanted to show me the site, so he picked me up from work (as a gymnastics coach) at about 9 pm in his Honda Civic.

It was profoundly dark in the neighborhood, all the houses in various stages of being built. We parked in the gravel in front of what would be his house, but which was only a hole in the ground on that day.

We talked and talked, we smoked, we made out. Talked some more, decided to rip one off in the Honda.

However, I was wearing a leotard, which kept getting in the way even though he kept trying to push it to the side.

Finally frustrated with the leotard, he gathered it in his fist and PULLED IT WITH ALL HIS MIGHT and it just ripped up the back. Problem solved!

I can't say this is THE sexiest thing we've done.....but it's PG13 here, you know?

Anyway, THIS is what I try to think of when I'm REALLY thinking OMFG, YOU CAN'T REALLY BE THIS DUMB! tehehe

Also there is no point in 'getting back at' your husband. It's like two guys on the same basketball team fighting over the ball. Just gotta ask yourself, 'do I want to be RIGHT, or do I want my TEAM to win?'

:)

Well, having been married once to a man who saw fit to "punish" me in a thousand different ways whenever I didn't live up to his expectations, I realized how childish and destructive it is to do that to another adult. (Added: Come to think of it, punishing a child for the sake of punishing is pretty destructive, too. I grew up with a lot of that from my mom.)

And looking around at marriages that work, I realized that gamesmanship isn't part of the ones I admired the most. Marriage isn't a 50/50 proposition, which would make it about keeping score. Really great marriages have both parties giving 100% of what they have to offer all the time. We all have better days and better weeks than others, so 100% on a terrible day will be something less than 100% on a good day. But it's still 100% of what we have to give.

So I've been married to my present hunny for going on 30 years, and we both are so glad to still be married to each other. Do we sometimes annoy or disappoint the other? Sure, we're only human. But we both continue to give 100% to support the household and each other, which includes forgiving when necessary, and sometimes, being the bigger person when necessary.

This 100/100 arrangement probably works best when both parties agree to use it, and when it is instituted right from the beginning. But communication and growth are always an option, and so you can talk this over, consider the advantages to both of you and your children, and make it a new goal. You will probably both have failures along the way if your auto default has been 50/50, but practice makes perfect.

My best to you. I'm really glad you can find the humor in your mutual behaviors.

I knew there was a reason Troy and I should fight....

Ya know even looking back at my first marriage the only thing I did when he pissed me off was I spent a lot of money. We never really made up mind you but I had a lot of nice stuff.

Oh I did once ignore the dishes in the sink because Troy had made a crack about me not doing the dishes the night before. Then he came home and without a word just did them and asked what I wanted for dinner. Never did that again, the guilt was too much. :(

I agree with Sue H whose reply is the only one I read. I guess maybe it comes with age. My husband and I don't really fight, we have a disagreement, come to a conclusion or we conclude that we will agree to disagree and we are done with it. We don't play games with each other at all.

Maybe I'm old, or old school, but we don't treat each other like that or play games. I think it's really hurtful, childish & disrespectful. We either talk it out/apologize & let it go.

I mean this as nicely as possible...it seems like you two bicker, ignore & do things like this a lot. I just can't imagine living like that.

As far as this statement "NEVER, EVER presume to judge someone else's relationship if its working for both of them." Obviously the way they are doing things is NOT working, if they keep bickering & game playing over admittedly stupid things.

If i get silent he hatches a way to make it all o.k. he doesn't like feeling like an a@%%hole. If i continue to argue and be a jerk myself he has no quams with the argument. I pull the silent thing only on occasion when im really pissed.

Regardless of the other posts I think it's hilarious. I don't think every little disagreement needs to be talked to death and it's obvious neither of you took it seriously.. go you for getting your bubble bath in! Too funny!

We don't play the "get back at" game. If I am mad at him then I stay mad but I dont' retaliate in any way silly or not. If he is mad at me then he is mad at me. We ususally just get over it if it's not really a huge marital issue or bicker for a couple days about it without really "fighting". We dont' really "make up" either.

When we have a disagreement, it usually doesn't last longer than 15 minutes. O. of us ends up laughing or cracking a joke.
My husband knows that I am not his mother and it's not my *job* to feed, clothe or clean up after him. That said, I'm home way more than he is so I don't get too rigid about normal, reasonable things that should be done.
I have gone so far as to put his water glass, which he seems to leave on the bathroom counter every...single...morning (he leaves at 4 a.m.) back onto his nightstand or dresser so he realizes there is NO "glass fairy" that puts it in the dishwasher everyday. LOL

Seem like my husband and I always look back and think how ridiculous we are. We are the King and Queen of fighting over NOTHING. Seriously, we don't really argue over the big stuff....our arguments are usually always over small little insignificant, stupid stuff!!

Good thing is that they are usually resolved pretty quickly and easily. I am guilty of the silent treatment though. Hubby is a talker and doesn't like things to fester so the silent treatment really gets under his skin.

Makes me laugh, the people who stated they're too old or been married too long. My parents do this type of thing and super happy together. Some buttons can be pushed, some not. NEVER, EVER presume to judge someone else's relationship if its working for both of them.

I give mine the silent treatment and lock him out of our bedroom if it's really bad. The problem is, the silent treatment is just fine with him. He could go a month just living in the house and not speaking to each other. I dont do it to get back at him. I do it because if I say something it will be mean and escalate things. So I just stay silent until I can be calm enough not to get angry and make him angry. He gets back at me by going out. He will say, well you went out last saturday so im gonna go have a drink. Well, when I went out it was for 2 hours with a ladies church group and he goes out until 3 am to the bar. Making up is very very difficult for either of us. He will never breakdaown and try to talk or ask whats wrong. And I cant get over it until he does. Eventually I will blink 1st and tell him how upset I am. ABout 50% of the time that starts the reconciliation. The other 50% it sets him off and escalates things! Sex works to end it immediately. But when I'm mad I dont want him anywhere near me.

I just go shopping, he does not even try b/c the few times he has he has failed