How Does It Not Break Your Heart When Your Child Is

I know how you feel! My 3 year old son is so sweet to everyone. A lot of times he will try to play with other kids at the playground and no one will want to play with him and I just want to cry. He just started Preschool and I don't know what goes on between him and the other kids but I almost don't want to know. I get so worried that other kids are mean to him because he's so sweet, but hopefully I'm wrong.

I don't think it will ever go away...that's being a mom or a parent in general. Even my mom tells me on days where she can hear stress in my voice from work or whatever it may be that it kills her that she can't make it better or make it go away ;)

you're a mom, you will always want to fix it or make him better

Couple years ago when I dropped my oldest off at college the first time, I stood stupidly in his dorm room when it was time for me to leave, trying SO SO VERY HARD to hold back the Emo, and suddenly he was a diaper-bottomed toddler teetering at the top of a flight of concrete stairs and I was TOO far away to CATCH him! A little panic in my chest, OMG! What have I done to my BABY? How can I leave him here ALL BY HIMSELF?!

The second I left, terror immediately switched to pride over which I balled all the way home.

So, yeah, it doesn't get much better as they get older either!

:)

my kids are still pretty young so we haven't had to deal with this much yet. But the thought makes me nauseous. Make sure you maintain a good relationship with him so he always knows he can talk to you about it.

Its so hard!!! I agree... just want to bawl when my kid is on a playground or playing and someone teases her, or they say something not nice. I want to bawl and then get mad. I have to remember that sometimes these things actually mold our kids and help them make decisions and mature. Still I hate hearing about it or even hearing it with my own ears. Sometimes it makes me feel almost ill.

I don't know, I guess I am in the minority here, because I figure if kids are less-than-perfectly-nice to my own daughter, it's a chance for her to learn a few things:

1. Not everyone will be nice to you, and that is THEIR problem, not yours, so don't take it personally.
2. If someone doesn't want to be your friend or play with you, go find somebody else.
3. If someone is being mean or teasing you, stand up for yourself and tell them to knock it off.

I was one of those kids who did get picked on a lot, so I'm not insensitive to it - if anything I am MORE sensitive to it, but I want my daughter to deal with it better than I did (which was to cry, tell the teacher, get upset, and then get teased some more). I am hoping eventually it will sink in and she'll learn some tools for not letting what others say or do impact her too much. I do tell her all the time how much I love her, how proud I am of her, and how wonderful she is, so hopefully she will believe me more than she believes another kid. I don't like to see it either but if DD doesn't seem that bothered by it, I figure she must be able to handle it okay. Like water off a duck's back.

And she is 4 years old, and in preschool, so I figure it's only the beginning. If they are only 2 or less, they don't even have real social skills yet so you can't take anything they do too much to heart.

ETA: There is a wonderful children's book by Max Lucado called "Because You Are Mine" and it does a terrific job of explaining that God loves us all because He made every one of us, and He does not make mistakes - so the only thing that matters is what He thinks, not what other people think. We read it a lot together.

I always tell mine that I am sorry that this is happening to them and that I am there for them. I think it is important that we empathize with our children so that they know that their feelings matter to us. We can't solve all of their problems for them, but I think it's enough for them to know that we are here, we care, and we are standing by to help them through whatever it is that they are going through.

My heart is broken for the little boy my sister nannies for right now! He is picked on constantly (I feel like he is destined to be teased...parents dress him very dorky, he has speech problems, small for his age, etc.). A little boy bit him and drew blood TWICE. His parents will NOT go stand up for him and it makes me so mad. I want to go protect him, but it's not my place. I suggested that my sister drop them off at school one day to talk to the teacher and mention he told her about the biting and teasing...I hope my sister does it...

I STILL feel this way over my 19 yr old girl. She called me last week crying over some mean thing her dad said to her. I listened patiently. Talked her through it. Picked her back up and reassured her. Then I hung up, called her dad and ripped him a new one. Usually I ask her, do you want me to step in and she almost always says no.

It was the same in school. She would tell me about a bully and I'd ask her if she wanted me to step in. She'd say no, then we would talk about what are some ways she can handle it. We'd go through her options, you could run, you could tell a teacher, you could fight back, you could cry. Each one we would talk it through and I would have her visualize it. What do you think will happen if you fight back? Will that be ok? Or would you get in big trouble? Does that sound right to you? What will happen if you tell a teacher? Do you think that would be the right choice? I would just help her problem solve it. To this day, she is a great critical thinker.

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I go through this too, I think a lot of parents do. I don't usually say too much, I just tell her when she is feeling sad to remember that her family loves her. My daughter goes to a very small private school (only 58 kid’s total and only 6 in her class). Her best friend recently moved away and she is having trouble finding her place again. There is only one child in her class that teases, but she has been getting along better with him. I think that all kids need to learn how to handle themselves. As long as it is not a bullying situation he will be OK.

YES, i HATE seeing that... When I hear someone being mean to my son on the playground, at school,etc, it breaks my heart.... Honestly: it makes me want to be the bully mom, lol....

Hi S., My son is 13 and it still hurts me a lot if my son is hurting.
We're their mother and we just don't want them to feel any pain, even though we know it's necessary for them to mature. I don't think our feelings will ever change!

OMG I'm the same way! My son has a best friend in his pre-K class. He's been in preschool with him for 3 years now. Well his buddy went to camp for the summer and once he came back at the beginning of the school year, he played with all of the other boys and my son was too shy to ask if he could join them. He was so sad! I told him to ask him to play next time. He has and he always comes home talking about how they played that day. It broke my heart to hear him feel rejected though! Also, anytime we go to a playground or Monkey Joe's he tries to join in with other kids. They usually look at him like he's crazy. I try to steer him on to something else because, while my son doesn't notice their looks--I do, and it breaks my heart. It's just so hard being a mommy!!! We just love our kids so much!!

Oh my goodness, yes! I get what your getting at. Just wait it gets way worse when they start school! :(

I teach my child he doesn't need another's approval. If a kid doesn't want to play with him, it use to bother him. Now, he knows he can just go up and play with someone else, because that other kid isn't worth his time. Really, you can teach this at a young age. Also, in preschool, this is developmental. It's normal for toys to be taken and such, so prep your son for it by letting him know he can learn to share, he can tell a teacher to get his toy back, or he can choose a different toy. I think you are most likely more heartbroken over it that he is.

I agree...I think this is one of the hardest things as a parent to go through...and you struggle w/ how involved to be! It makes my heart hurt to know if my kids are hurting...especially when it is because of the way a school mate or team mate has treated them. My kids are 11 and 12 now, so I can ask how involved they want me to get if something is upsetting them...and if they say they want me to talk to the school/parent/coach, then I know it's gotten bad. Usually, they want to deal w/ it on their own and I have to know I did a good enough job giving them the tools to do that. Stay strong, S.! I know how hard it is...truly. You'll know if it is something that merits your attention or not! Good luck and hang in there.

When my children are hurting for some reason, I do let them know it breaks my heart. We don't coddle and promote self-pity, but we do let them know we empathize and love them. I have to say that I am thankful that they are not subjected to daycare and public/private school bullying though. *That* would truly break my heart. I just keep them here with me and let them develop a wonderful sense of their value and worth according to the truths of Scripture (they are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God). The only bullying they get is from their siblings. ;) And we can work that out pretty quickly. But, to send them back into that lion's den of selfish kids looking out for #1, no thanks. I can't even fathom that.

This is a normal, and completely necessary, part of growing up. Just like with a box full of puppies, tussling to find their natural "rank," kids will do that, too. We all (well, most of us) eventually find how we fit into the bigger world that includes all kinds of people. And there is a comfort in that, just as a puppy will happily participate in group interactions when he knows how and where he fits in. There is less strain and tension once a young being begins to understand how it all works together.

What makes it sad for parents is that we all see our children's potentials in glowing, perhaps unrealistic, light. It's sad and aggravating when the rest of the world isn't focused on our own child's happiness and fulfillment. Particularly in this country, I have observed, where the belief in independence and freedom runs deep. It's much harder, growing up in this mindset, to understand that we are also deeply interconnected with everyone else, and that interconnectedness, if nurtured, offers genuine advantages.

I was just listening this morning to a program discussing happiness, and which societies are the happiest. Interestingly, the Danes, who are strongly supportive of ideas of social and economic equality, are a happy nation. They have grown up with the understanding that a janitor and a lawyer are equal and interdependent, and the richest 10% of their nation are only about three times wealthier than the poorest 10%. They find a great deal of comfort in that equality, and are willing, as a society, to make sure that all citizens have equal advantages and opportunities. There's great security for all in that social portrait. (http://www.npr.org/2011/10/19/141514467/small-changes-can...) Just a little food for thought.

My almost-3-year-old has a "best friend" in her daycare class, who she loves to play with! But, yes, it bugs me when she comes home to tell me that this little girl hit her/pulled her ponytail/pushed her! I just listen sympathetically and ask her: Why do you think she did that? What did you do? Did she get in trouble? What other friends did you play with today? Like you said, I don't want to baby her, or tell her to fight back (that's daddy's stance), so I just listen and try to offer gentle advice (play with another kid, tell her to stop, tell the teacher, walk away).

I've talked to the teacher about it and she says that both girls are very stubborn and they get along most of the time. It's just that the other little girl is much more aggressive, while my girl will just walk away and find something else to do (rather than fight over the toy/chair/snack). I just wanted to make sure that the teacher knows that I'm aware of the situation and that they don't let it get out of hand.

It's also like when my girl was in the infant room, there was this little boy (a few months older) who would bite the younger babies. Well, in her first 6 months there, she was bitten THREE times! The teachers gave me an "accident report" each time, but weren't allowed to say who the culprit was. I only figured it out after realizing that he was getting accident reports (that he had bitten someone) on the same days... then, hearing the mom jokingly tell her son "you finally got a taste of your own medicine!" after HE was the one getting bitten! I didn't think that was funny at all! I had a good discussion with the teacher and the director and that boy was quickly moved to another classroom!

Good luck! Sometimes it is hard to reign in the "mama bear" when our kids are hurt!!