How Long Should I Let Him Cry?

Usually if you have to hold their hands they need the contact. Kids learn trust when they cry and we respond to their needs. Personally, I don't see how leaving a baby or child to cry for any length of time can teach anything but mistrust of the parents. My three youngest sleep with me and it doesn't affect my sleep at all.

Hi S.,

I agree with what every one else has said thus far. I used to rock my daughter to sleep every night up until about a month or so ago (she is now 13 months old). Now, once she starts rubbing her eyes and acting tired I hold her and rock her while she drinks her milk and when she is done (she spits out the bottle when she is full) I take her over and we say "night night" to Daddy and anyone else who is in the house and I carry her into her room kiss her and tell her I love her and put her in the crib. Now she lays down and goes to sleep without a peep. When we first started this process though she would cry for about 20 minutes.
A few more suggestions-
Does he bave a blankie or a stuffed animal? If he has something that provides comfort that may help.
Is he really tired? I know if my daughter isn't ready to go to sleep she will play in her crib and if she is still not tired she will cry to come out. Maybe push his bedtime back a little bit.
Is he eating enough that he isn't hungry when he goes to bed? Maybe try to give him a snack or something if you suspect he might be hungry.
Good Luck

S.,

Read www.askdrsears.com for sleep advice. Do not make the little guy cry it out. Take one side off his crib, put it right next to your bed (you can tie the legs to the legs of your bed and put a body pillow in the "crack"), hold his hand, and both of you can sleep well. He is not going to be a baby for long at all. Enjoy it while you can!

Best wishes,
K.

S.,
My first child did the same thing. I thought that it was my "job" to go to her every time that she cried at night. I finally talked to the pediatrician, because I was pregnant with our second child and I was still up 3 or 4 times a night to get her back to sleep. The doctor told me that as long as she is not hungry, her diaper is clean, and she is not sick, I should let her cry. The first night, it took 9 minutes, but she went back to sleep. It seemed like a long time, but it was only mintues. From there, it got easier each night.
By the way, she is now 24 years old and seems completely unharmed by the trauma of crying herself back to sleep:)
Sandy (mother of 4)

S.,
There is a very good book on this subject that I think would help a lot.
It's called Baby Wise by Gary Ezzo, Robert Bucknam
http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Baby-Wise-Nighttime-Becomi...
Check it out!

Good luck,
S.

Once you have established that it isn't physical (pain, hungry, etc.) then when he falls asleep is when you know it has been long enough. It has taken you 18 months to establish the routine he is on now, it isn't going to change instantly. This is probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, but your son NEEDS you to. Find a way to calm yourself during this period (I just sit crossed legged and breath deeply). It will get better and you are not alone. Good Luck

I guess I just got lucky. I rocked my son to sleep every night until he was 13 mnth old. He went to sleep on his own with a bottle of water. Only about 1 ounce or so. He has slept on his own since & gave up the bottle almost 2 years ago. He is now almost 4. Even with my second, who is 6 weeks, we rock to sleep. I am not an advocate of the "let them cry themselves to sleep". The great thing about this website is that everyone has a different opinion & you get to decide what works best for you & your son.
Good luck

Hi S.,

We have a 14 month old. Usually we don't have a problem with him going to sleep and he only occasionally wakes up and we just give him the pacifier back and he is fine. During the Christmas break he started cutting another 4 teeth (which will make 12 total). He only slept in his crib 1 night that whole time. We got him to start there but he would wake up by 1 or 2 am. He would be stand in his crib and cry. When we lay him back down he would be quiet but as soon as we stepped out the door he would be crying again. In the past if we had to let him cry it out, after 20 mintues he would fall asleep. We tried to let him cry it out 2-3 times last week and this time he cried for over an hour and the intensity of the crying never diminished. I knew it was because he wasn't feeling well so one of us eventually took him into the spare room. His fever broke two days ago and he has no problem sleeping during the day so when he did this again last night, after an hour of trying to get him back to sleep, we let him cry. This time it only took 20 minutes and I knew he was just getting conditioned to us going in to him. His crying became weaker and weaker as the minutes went on so I could tell he was winding down. I am due with baby #2 in one month so bringing him in bed with us just isn't going to be an option anymore. I guess for my son it usually only takes 20 minutes but since your son is a little older and may be a little more "conditioned" to having the extra comfort it might take a little bit longer. I would suggest trying on a non-worknight to let him cry and see if it takes longer than 1 hour. Let him cry as long as you can take it. You are not being a bad parent. I don't believe in co-sleeping because my parents did it with me and I slept with them until I was 6 years old. As I said I do break it on occasion when he isn't feeling well. This past week was the longest we've ever let it go on and we paid for it with our own lack of sleep.

I feel your pain on this issue. My son, who is now 31/2 years old did not sleep all night until he was almost 1 year old. I finally had to use some tough love when my family physician diagnosed me with exhaustion and forced me to realize that I needed sleep as well. He had suggested a book called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, MD. This book was a Godsend. Couple of things that I was advised: 1st - crying will NOT hurt your child. He can cry for up to an hour before it could be traumatic (attachment deprivation issues) - but it is NEVER detrimental in the physical sense. 2nd - he will never make a full hour for crying. 3rd - NEVER, NEVER give in or he will realize he has power over you to get what he wants and that means you lose sleep. 4th - keep your bedtime routine at all costs for the first month. If bedtime is not consistent, then neither will sleep. 5th - put him to bed awake so he learns how to go back to sleep, this will help you in that he will stop looking to you to put him to sleep. My son was able within 2 weeks to put himself to sleep and if he woke up at night, was able to self-soothe within minutes and go back to sleep. But, the 1st week was awful so hold your ground and trust your instincts. You will know when you are doing best for your child or whether you are pacifying a guilty conscience on your part.

Have you had his ears checked? We had the same problem with my grandson and it turned out to be his ears. After so long laying, the pressure built in his ears and he woke up crying. Picking him up relieved the pressure. It has been 2 months since he got tubes and he usually wakes only once if at all. He has also increased his naps from 30-45 mins to 2 1/2 - 3 hours. It is awesome. It is worth checking into.

Regardless, I usually let him cry 5 minutes and then I pick him up and rock him while standing and he is out within a few moments. If a child cries for long periods it is usually a signal of other issues.

I think that Julie gave great advice! I typically wait 5-10 minutes, then go back into his room but do not talk and definitely do not pickup your son (this will only restart things). I'm not sure if you do this already but instrumental music really helps to sooth as well. It is important to do this now because it will only get worse as your son gets older... but trust me doing that "process" will fix the problem now as apposed to it getting worse.

As hard as it is, it is important for your baby to respond to him and not let him cry longer than a few minutes, he is learning trust right now.
Have you tried to see if he is allergic to milk or anything?
Good Luck!

Stacy,
While you have gotten a lot of good advice, I will add my two cents anyway.
It might be that your child simply needs more mommy time. You said you work full time, so I assume he is with a sitter or in day care. My suggestion is to set aside some extra time every day to just cuddle and bond with the child.
My kids are adopted, and the first two were not babies when they came, but my youngest, since I had waited so long for a baby, I held as much as possible. I worked too, part time, but I always rocked her every night. Now she is 12, and I would love to have a few of those times back. They really do grow up so fast. I feel if you give them as much love as you have, they will be better equipped to face the world when they need to because they are grounded in knowing mom loves them unconditionally.
People always told me I was spoiling my kids, Go with your heart. I did and have never regretted it.
L.

The answer is, as long as it takes. I am a single mom and I went back to work when my son was 12 weeks old. I knew that I would never make it if I did not get him to go to sleep on his own, so I did the "cry it out". I started at 2 1/2 months...he cried every night for the first month for about 20 minutes, then fell asleep and slept through the night. If I went back in at any time, it only prolonged the process, so once I learned that I stopped going back in. On the rare occasion that he woke in the night, I gave it a few minutes before going back in...most of the time he would cry or make some sounds for two minutes and then I wouldn't hear anything more. This way, I could distinguish between if he really needed me or really needed me to stay away. By the time he was four months old, he was not crying at all. By eight months, he was pointing to his bed asking to be laid down. Every child is different; I probably would have continued rocking him, but he always woke up once I laid him down and it took three or four cycles of rocking and laying before he would stay asleep. Some people do not have that problem. Do whatever you have to do to develop independent sleeping patterns now; you are approaching the end of the crib soon, and after that it will be much harder. Good luck, as a working parent I totally understand the struggle.

As little as they are, they catch on fast. My son was between 3-6 months when I put him in his own bed and he still knew if he cried, I'd come back. One night I was just so tired, I didn't get up and fell back to sleep and that was it. He slept in his own bed from then on. It will take a night or two but if routine has gone on until he is 18 months old, it may take longer. You do have to stick to your guns and even though it's hard, he will not remember. It also makes them more independant and self assured sleeping on their own. I know, I still have a 9 yr old that comes down during the night! He'll probably never quit being a mama's boy unless I stop that too.
Good luck~

I so feel for you...this is such a hard thing to do. I found that it was one of the hardest things that I've had to do yet. The first time that I used this method, my son cried for a tormenting hour and fifteen minutes!! I was almost physically ill, but it worked. I did this when I put him to bed and when he would wake up. When they realize that there's no reason to wake up, they'll sleep all night...or wake up for a minute or two and put themselves back to sleep. Once you do it a couple of times, they get the idea and it isn't as hard on you. I've heard that you can go in the room every 5-10 minutes so that they don't feel "abandoned", but you absolutely DO NOT pick them up. Good luck!!

I had the same problem with my little one a couple months ago (she is now 15 months). Pretty much the same scenario as you are dealing with. We let her cry it out and sometimes it would last 30-45 minutes and then she was fine. Also she would wake up about 4:30 EVERY morning and I would bring her to bed which I personally feel is a bad habit to start. We again, let her cry. It took 2 maybe 3 days and it was over, now she is wonderful at bed time and sleeps all night. It is harder for us to deal with then for them, but little ones have to learn to put themselves to sleep. I have a family member that to this day, they still has to lay down with their 3 year old because they didn't stop it while she was little. Sorry, not me! I wish you good luck!
P.S. - Investing in a pair of earplugs is not a bad idea :)

My daughter did this but would not just cry she would throw a temper tandrum until you finally gave in. Our doctor at the time told me to put her to bed give her a hug and kiss tell her I love her and that I would see her in the morning then shut her door (make sure the room is childproof) and don't go back in he said it might take 5 to 7 days before she would stop cring and screaming but whatever I do don't go back in so I would go in my room put earplugs in and a portable cd player with the eadphones on and cry to my self because I knew she was in there and just wanted me. But it worked after the fifth night she no longer cried she would go to bed fine.

Hi S.,

I was in the same boat that you are in, just a couple of months ago. My sister did the "letting the baby cry" method and encouraged me to try it. We used to rock our daughter to sleep and put her in her bed once asleep, around 3am she woke up again and wouldn't go back to sleep, sometimes for hours or until we took her in bed with us. So I thought I'd try letting her cry, well for 2 days in a row she started throwing up when we let her crr. I was so upset that I stopped it again and went back to the old routine. At her doctors appointment the doctor highly encouraged me to try the crying method again, she said it is very hard but it's just a comfort thing on the babys side. So I tried it again that night, she was screaming next door, and I was crying in my room. It took us 3 days and she went to sleep on her own. To this day, we don't have a problem putting her to bed. She may cry for a min or 2 but then goes to sleep. I would go in after 3 min. and let her know that Mommy and Daddy are there but that she needs to go to sleep now and waited 5 min. did the same thing. The time increased with every time until we would let her cry for 10 min (highest). It really is hard and I don't blame you if you don't want to do it, but I have to say I am so much happier the way things are now than they were a few months ago :). If you need someone to talk to, write me anytime :) My e-mail is ____@____.com wishes,
Trisha

P.s: There is a book out there that talks about that method. It is called "Every Child Can Learn To Sleep" by A. Kast-Zahn and H. Morgenroth.

Hello S.~ I for one know how hard it is to sit outside your baby's door, and listen to him scream. It really makes you feel worse than he feels. I used the let them cry method with both of my children, and I don't care what anyone else on here says......It's works if you can stick to your guns. I would let them cry for about 10 minutes...after that I would go into their room, and not say anything to them or pick them up, but just a gentle rub on the back to let them know that I was still there. This went on for about a week or so, and got better with each passing day. My kids are now 5 & 3 and neither have yet to sleep with me & my husband. They are strong sleepers, and this has created a sense of independence for them as well. Good luck with your little man & remember do whatever feels right for the both of you.

Hi S.,

If you want him to sleep through and fall asleep by himself, let him cry until he falls asleep. My 16 months old daughter was never a good sleeper either, but I jusr couldn't handle being up all the time, especially being pregnant again.
It was very hard to get through, but once done it all is so much better.
There are different methods. There is a book out by Dr. Ferber you can read his mnethod is a more gentle one, he strectches the cry time every couple of days.
I couldn't do that so we went ahead cold turkey. We did it a lot earlier than you guys though. When my daughter was 6 almost seven months old and still came every 3 hours we started the crying it out process. It took almost a week, but ever since then she sleeps through the night, okay, unless she is sick or so of course.
The first few nights are the hardest. We rung with don't go in all night long. We were more exhausted than ever before because ithurts you psycologically so bad too.
The truth is, the baby is fine, they don't die from crying if they are older than 3 months, they just fall asleep after that much crying at some point. Your problem is, you waited very long so the crying will be very very long too. Be prepared to hear him cry for hours if you want to accomplish your goal.

At 6 months, Maja cried falling asleep and a couple times throughout the night. The first falling asleep was a 2.5 hour stretch of cryiong followed by a 1.5 hour in the middle of the night and a 45 minutes again later. THese times reduced every night, till she finally went to bed after a week without or just a couple of minutes crying at the beginning of the night and then she slept through. Now she goes happily to bed and sleeps through most of the night.

We put white noise in her room, that helps her a lot and we bought ourselfs some earplugs. You can still hear them with the earplug, but it is less loud, makes it alittle easier.

Good luck with whatever you guys decide to do.

T..