How to Be a Better Step Mom

Does he feel like he does not get enough time with his dad and he is using you as the scapegoat.

Can you start doing something with just you and him that you would both enjoy...learn a new sport, have a movie afternoon, go on a hike, go horseback riding....something with just the two of you to spend time together? doing this on a regular basis might help the relationship.

i don't have any advice from a personal standpoint, but as a stepdaughter i can tell you how mumsie handled it. i was AWFUL to her, not just during some adjustment period, but for YEARS. she would have had every right to be strict, stern and angry with me. boundaries and punishments and dislike would all have been acceptable. most women would have written me off the moment i turned 18 (she came into our lives when i was 10.)
but that woman never gave up on me. never once. not for a minute. not even when i made her cry (which was too often.)
i totally hear you about the shattered heart. i don't know how you can do it, i don't know how she did it. but what worked in our case was boundless, limitless, unshakeable love. you can have family rules and consequences and boundaries, and you NEED to have them. try not to expect too much from your SS while he's going through difficult periods and adolescent nastiness. keep loving him. it may be a long slow pay-off, but you will surely get it back. eventually.
khairete
S.

Other than what Suz T(spot on) said below (I am stepdaughter too) I would add that maybe you should ask him further questions. Maybe it's something you inadvertently did and don't even know it hurt him.

The fact that you want to do something about it and make it better says you're a great step mom to me.

Love, listen...I know I gave my step dad HELL...today I am closer to him than my mom or dad! But there were times when (as I look back) he said and did small things that made me so angry at him....even small things like making something I didn't like, making fun of my ears.

Most of all don't give up giving him love!

Keep in mind that in a little boy's eyes, mom's can do no wrong! They are perfect!

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I would suggest trying to become involved in things that interest him to try to develop your relationship, but don't push it. Like Suz T. says, just keep the love coming!

Please know...*know*... that nine is a very, very challenging time. Even bio-parents get a lot of flak from their kids at this age.

So, first, know that he's on-par,developmentally speaking.

Next-- unless you have been doing something drastically different, I'd actually advise you not to sweat this too, too much. This may be far more about him than about you.

What does your husband say about all this?
Lastly-- I would highly recommend "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. This book is primarily about interpersonal communication and is easy to read. It shows parents more effective ways of communication and how to draw kids out, so we have more progressive exchanges with them.

Good luck! Nine is certainly tough!

Hang in there! Every kid goes through phases and hopefully he'll work through this in a relatively short amount of time. I think what Suz T said is great! The tween years can be a very confusing time. My son was a challenge with me through those years and his dad and I were still married. Keep doing what you're doing - show love, be consistent. Maybe try and do something with just the two of you - find a niche.

Good luck!

Keep the love there. Suz T had great advice.
Good for you for caring.

PS I am not a stepmom. Bio kids can do this sometimes too! My 5 yo can get very mad sometimes and says awful things! But also loves us passionately. Good luck with this.

Great advice from Suz T. . . .

Parents are not loved at all times by their kids and this applies to step parents as well. The arguing back and forth needs to stop. My husband never lets the children go back and forth with me and I have a step son and he isn't permitted to do it either. I know sometimes I get on their nerves and they get on mine too but communication is key.

The skills to express yourself without being offensive or disrespectful are learned and very valuable. It is time for your SS to learn this valuable skill.

The reason why God put your heart in the middle of your body behind other organs and the rib cage was to keep it protected. You will have to figure out how to love your SS without him shattering your heart. His dad may be the best person to get him to communicate what is at the heart of the matter or perhaps you should give it a try. Is it that he really doesn't like you or is it that you discipline him and he doesn't like being told what to do or some other situation all together. Get to the bottom of this mystery if you can.

i'm not a step mom but my boyfriend will hopefulyl be a step dad at one point in the future...so I can say what I; hope him to do..
I would hope he would love my daughter enough to realize that all kids tend to test you...and not J. make it a step daughter step dad thing. my friend is a step parent to two kids and will tell M. how mean the older girls are to her 6 year ol and i have to remind her that out sweet little girls will one day be full of hormones too and they arent bad J. at a diferent age and testing diferent things then are 5 and 6 year old girls do.

One thing to remember - it's not always YOU. It's often just your PLACE. So, as much as it stinks to hear, what SS is saying is he doesn't want his dad with anybody. I think he has more to process. Being younger may be part of it. Around 11-12 they start to look around a bit more and see the world a little differently. So the sister may already be past that. Then you might also have the younger child who doesn't remember or didn't see the problems so to him, things weren't so bad. I think my SD had a hard time realizing how bad things were (and my sister, too) but my SS and I were old enough to see the fights and/or know what was going down. So to a younger child, the stepparent may simply be an interloper because they were not witness to the breakdown. Does that make sense? And he might be angry with Dad because he left, even if it was mutual agreement.

I would talk to DH about house rules and basic respect and how to enforce basic respect between all family members. And then disengage where you need to. If SS is just trying to argue and rile you up, then say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but we are having chicken for dinner. You can make a PB&J sandwich if you don't like it, or go hungry." And make sure that you and DH are on the same page about it. If there are rules and a cause and effect that is already announced and agreed on, it takes some of the arguing out. "The rule is in bed by 8:30 or no book. Sorry, you knew the rule. No book tonight." Let DH be the sheriff and you be his deputy.

Like I said to someone else, you might also read up on his age group. For girls anyway 8 is like a mini adolescence. It was....fun. Try to figure out what's him, what's the situation and what's the age group. It may help you feel less frustrated.

Hang in there.

Lots of lovin' from you and lots of "daddy time" alone with Dad.

This may be the hardest challenge of your life. It's hard to figure out how to show your love to a child who is bristling toward you, but he does need to know that you love him.

At this age, he has probably forgotten, or is currently forgetting, when his parents were married. This is frightening for him. He needs to know that he has 100% security in both homes.

Be tender toward him, defer to Dad in topics such as bedtime, manners, any form of discipline, etc. Also, have Dad be intentional in teaching him to show you love and respect. Sometimes we start to care about someone simply because we acted like we cared about them. Have Dad take him to the florist to pick out some pretty flowers for you, or take him to pick up something for dinner so you don't have to work that evening... you get the idea. Also, if he makes an unacceptable remark toward you in Dad's earshot, Dad needs to quickly say, "we don't speak to each other that way." Disrespect must not be tolerated. Yoy have no power here. Dad holds the cards.

Boys love their moms. Be careful to never criticize her in front of him. As he grows up some he will learn to appreciate your good and loving qualities.

I know your pain. And now I have an adult stepson who comes to me with his sorrows and joys and lots of hugs.