How to Build Self Esteem, Self Worth, and Confidence in a Tween, ETA

I think you're trying to put the cart before the horse.

Confidence is built by doing. So she has to overcome her fears and do this. I don't think this has anything to do with self worth or esteem, it sounds like she has plenty of that, she's just been asked to do something she's afraid of.

When this has happened with my kids or kids I work with, I just keep cajoling them until I make it happen. Sometiimes I add a little bribe or reward. It sounds like she wants to do it, but she's scared. Simply keep pushing her, helping her practice, etc., and she will probably do it. If she is absolutely refusing, and you think that her doing this thing will be extremely beneficial to her, then add a bribe. "If you do this, I will give you X." That usually works.

I taught theater for many years and I've been in this situation a lot. One thing I've done with kids who are very shy is have them practice just in front of me, until they are comfortable with others seeing. Kids are immensely proud once they do something they were afraid of, so I strongly think you should push her to do this thing, whatever it is. THAT is how self-esteem is built, it's not a magic word or phrase that you tell them. Self-esteem is in the doing.

There is a book called The Growth Mindset. It is interesting. It is all about how people who spend a lot of time praising kids for being smart (or pretty, or athletic or talented or whatever) are more likely to end up with kids who are afraid to try new things, because they think that if they fail, they will lose their "title" as pretty/athletic/smart/talented. They have come to believe that this title defines who they are and they are afraid to lose the self-definition.

Example: A child who is often told that she's got great musical talent might become afraid to do a solo because she doesn't want to do anything that might jeopardize her self-worth as a talented musician (if she fails, then maybe people won't think she's talented anymore, and then she loses her self-worth).

Kids who are praised for effort, and not "natural ability" are much less afraid to try new things. They know that they get praised for trying new things. Their self worth is not on the line if they fail.

So, in your example, you say that your daughter doesn't want to try this because she says she doesn't have any talent and she will fail. Do you respond by saying "of course you have talent" (basically, reward her self-criticism by contradicting her, and embedding even more firmly in her mind that her self worth is tied to being talented)? Or do you respond by saying "You can accomplish this if you work hard" or "it will be really fun to try" or something like that?

If you are a reader, I encourage you to get the book. It's been out a while, I got it at my local library.

You say "IF" your girl "secretly" wants to do it, in the last sentence of your SWH. That is important.

My thought as I read this was, if she is in all these other things and does well at them, why the urgency to do this?

Honestly, I wouldn't push her. She sounds like a great kid. Yes, YOU have your hopes up and want her to do it, but if she's not into it (for whatever reason, it doesn't matter why), I don't agree with pushing a kid into something. She's not ready. She's not comfortable. She wouldn't enjoy it because she'd be too busy worrying. Whatever the situation. I don't see a reason to push her. You don't even seem convinced yourself, that she actually wants to do it deep down.

You need to trust her and if she says no, that should be good enough.

Is it possible that she just is overwhelmed by so MUCH activity and wants to sit it out because of that? Maybe she is telling you she is afraid she'll fail as a viable "excuse" to get out of it, bc if she says she's overwhelmed you might disallow her to do other things that she really DOES want to do. Or maybe she doesn't even understand that it is feeling overwhelmed to begin with, but she knows she isn't up for it for some reason.

Truly, without knowing the circumstances of whatever it is, and what her actual schedule looks like day in/day out, I'd be hesitant to push her to do whatever it is. Middle school can be a difficult time anyway. A lot changes and the kids are held accountable for a lot, and expected to be very independent all of a sudden. Some kids take to it wonderfully. Some kids do not. For some it's all overwhelming, just life and school, even without any extracurriculars.

I'd back off of whatever this is. She doesn't want to do it, mom. Don't make her. Choose your battles wisely. If she is as active and involved as you indicate (she does everything she can but is sometimes limited by cost, is what you indicate), then deciding not to compete/perform for this one thing isn't a big deal, except to you. It isn't to her, and that's obvious. She doesn't want to. Let her not.
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After your SWH:
I'm still not clear why you think she doesn't have any self confidence. It sounds like she does, but doesn't like you undermining it? I'm not clear what you are asking anymore. Are you asking how to get her to do this thing that she doesn't want to do? Or are you asking how to change yourself, so that you can be more supportive of her?

If the former, I don't think that you should. Let it go.
If the latter, then just drop all the "ifs" that you apparently pepper your "encouragement" with. She is old enough to understand that she might not win/get the part/be the best. Perhaps you are verbalizing all of that to prepare YOURSELF for the possibility that she might not be the top performer? She knows she might not win. She knows she might mess up. She knows that other people could be better than her. She does. So drop it already.
"Hey, so & so asked if you would consider doing x,y,z. What do you think?" And leave it at that. If she wants to do it, let her. If she doesn't, she'll find something else that floats her boat. Sounds like she is multi-talented. And that's great. But she really doesn't have to maximize her exposure to every single field she has a talent or interest in at this stage in her life. She can do one for awhile, and then do something else for awhile. It's one of the few perks of being a young teen. The rest of it can pretty much suck. So let her decide how and when she chooses to use her talents. And just ask her, don't try to soften the "blow" of "failure" before she's even tried.
The smartest people I know (and I know some extremely intelligent human beings) know that there is always someone smarter than they are. Pounding her over the head with that knowledge is not helping. So stop. She told you exactly what the problem is. Listen to her.

My daughter is a singer. Every year there is a talent competition where we vacation. This year my daughter said she wasn't sure if she wanted to do it because she probably wouldn't win. I told her she has a 0% chance of winning if she doesn't compete. She has a 1 in 20 chance of winning if she did compete. She ending up participating and having a great time although she didn't place.

You can encourage your daughter but ultimately I think this should be her choice.

I don't push my kids to try something if it isn't something they haven't expressed interest in.

The only times I push my kids if they have expressed interest, but then later on they get cold feet. Like if the nerves build or anxiety sets in.

So I've had kids say they were going to try out for something, but at last minute they freak. Then I do the pep talk, you can do it, etc. What works for me is "What's the worst that can happen?" We walk through the possible outcomes. Best outcome - they make the team. Worst outcome? They don't. Three quarters will be in same boat. End of world? I think not.

That works here. But I guess I've never pushed them into anything they didn't think they were ready for. I think I tried once, but it backfired.

The other thing is - baby steps? Could she try it in a smaller way? Like maybe this is too daunting, but maybe there's a way to try it on a smaller scale? I've done that too. Work them up to it gradually. Then the confidence from accomplishing the smaller step helps move them on to the next.

I know - it's hard when we see their potential but they can't. But that's part of the process. That's what confidence is - recognizing it in themselves. Sometimes you have to back off and then when there is no pressure, they want to try. It's a hard one to know.

Good luck :)

You mention all that she tries and succeeds at, which IS great, but....

Learning to fail is as important as learning to win. My daughter is scholastically gifted. she has never made a B, and rarely has to study to achieve that. But when she tried volleyball for the first time, she bombed. She almost quit because it wasn't something that came naturally to her. But through volleyball (and now tennis) she has learned to mark success by how much she tries and improves, not how many games she wins.

Instead of telling how good she will be at it, let her know that it is the attempt to do it that makes you proud. Let her know that it is okay to be scared, disappointed, nervous, etc. but that doing it anyway is a bigger win than being good at it.

I'm a little confused. Is there one activity she doesn't want to do, even though she was asked to do it? Perhaps she was encouraged by a teacher or an activity leader to do something, but she doesn't want to. Exactly what has you so upset about it? It sounds to me like she is very active and engaged in a ton of activities - perhaps too many? Is she overwhelmed with a schedule as well as down time to roller blade and so on? I think it's great that she has time to just be a kid and ride bikes and not be in something organized or competitive - that's so essential, and I urge you to continue to allow time for that by not over scheduling other activities.

Can you explain more about why you think she should do something just because she'd be good at it? It's really okay to turn down things, isn't it? If this is something like a play or a concert, why isn't it okay for her to rebel at the time commitment required? We all have things we might be good at, but they don't necessarily interest us, especially if we've already done something similar.

It sounds to me that you are so determined to encourage her to be awesome at things that she's feeling way too pressured. At her age, as long as she's keeping up with her schoolwork and her chores, and if she is active at something (anything) rather than just being a slug with video games or the computer, I'd think it appropriate to give her a lot of autonomy about the activities she chooses and rejects (with you weighing in only on the expenses involved and the carpooling schedule). I wonder, if you leave her alone and build the confidence to actually make her own choice and choose her own path, she'll do great. She may think you are way too involved in determining what she should do, and perhaps she's rebelling. She will never learn to make good choices if you don't give her the chance.

If you're not failing? You're not learning.

Solo? As in performing alone? Not sure by your post but it makes all the difference.

I've got one kid who will get up alone and do anything in front of anyone. Violin recital in front of an auditorium? No problem. I would have been a WRECK when I was a kid and would have done anything to not do that. I used to get physically ill before gymnastics meets because I hated performing and I hated competing. And I was excellent at gymnastics and loved it, but eventually dropped out because I hated meets so much. Same with piano. I loved it and was good at it, but the recitals made me ill and I'd mess up so badly. To this day I can't play well in front of anyone other than my kids. My ex is a natural performer though. Loves it. Lead singer of a band. Never nervous. Maybe it's genetic.

My other two kids don't love performing but they did get up and play piano at school talent show, so that's a start...

I don't know, Gamma, I love your posts and you have good instincts. Without knowing the entire situation I don't know if she should be pressured too much. Sounds like maybe a few more compliments, votes of confidence, and possibly enticement with a reward may be in order. You're right kids make huge strides in confidence when they succeed at getting past that fear. I'm no stranger to some bribes and heavy pressure here. I never used bribes in lieu of discipline, but to entice them to do something scary? Sure. Kids often won't volunteer to do things that would benefit them.

Offer her a reward if she does it. And then let it go. She may do it at a another time. She sounds awesome!

This is something that I think my sons participation in band has helped him with enormously.
From the time they started learning instruments for band (6th grade, clarinet) the teachers have encouraged the kids to try out for auditions.
And they ALWAYS say that it's the TRYING OUT that's the value in it - it doesn't matter whether they make the cut or not.
So not winning a chair is like "Good try! You'll do better next time!".
If you keep trying, eventually you DO get in and it ed-emphasizes the worry about the possibility of losing.
Often the band teachers will tell stories of how they tried and lost (when they were students) but went on to win other seats.

You win some.
You lose some.
But if you give up trying, you have no opportunity to win anything.

explain to her that 'failing' is an important lesson to learn also, and that her character is displayed in the way she attempts things, not the results of the efforts. do so in simple language, not a long philosophical treatise.
then leave it up to her.
if she chooses not to proceed, she will learn a different sort of lesson from it. there's no 'lose.'
ETA if the director is creating this part just for her and no one else is auditioning, it's on him not her if she chooses not to. i can't imagine why you'd put it on HER not to 'drop the ball' if he really is the one putting all of his eggs in one basket.
khairete
S.