If at First You Don't succeed--QUIT!

I let my oldest daughter quit. Back then I was trying to protect her fragile self esteem. Now, I know that quitting had a huge negative impact on her self esteem. She doesnt think she can accomplish anything.

Now I have a do-over with my 2 little ones. My son wants to quit things if he isn't instantly good at them. I have to guide him back to it. Most recent example: tball. He swung and missed a few times. His little sister picked up the bat and knocked it hard into the fence over and over. Everybody praised her for being so good. SO, he went in the house and said shes better than me and I dont like baseball anymore. I walked him back out, put the bat in his hands and told him shes not better than you, she just practiced longer than you. We did it together and within 15 minutes he was hitting it over the fence.
I have a rule that they honor thier committments. If they join a team, they have to see the season to the end. If they start something they have to finish it. Sometimes that takes some coaxing, bribing, coddling, but I always make them see it through. And every single time they have been glad they did.

You know the Princess Bride?

"Inconceivable!"

"I do not think that word means what you think it means."

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I'm SUPER competitive. And yes, the Q word was a frequent companion of mine. And I was actually using it correctly, I just sort of never finished the sentence.

"I want to quit!" (feeling this way; angry/disappointed/bitter/embarrassed)
"I want to quit!" (being afraid that this actually IS the best I can do)
"I want to quit!" (knowing that others are better than I am)
"I want to quit!" (working my tail off not to have anything to 'show' for it)
"I want to quit!" (not being the best)

I'm also ADHD, which comes into play a bit in my own psych stuff in that I was literally UNABLE to say more... because I was far, FAR too emotional to finish the sentence. My thoughts and emotions were an absolute whirlwind / I wasn't really capable of listening to anyone arguing with me or 'making sense'. I just got angry with them. (Yeah, I was a pain in the neck). Then my parents would get upset with me (they are NOT quitters), and I'd feel even worse, and it was just icky/awful. Perfectionistic issues also come into play rather heavily with ADHD, and that those emotions don't actually FADE over time, but are on full force until something else supplants them.

But I still loved competing. The excitement, the anticipation, having a 'reason' to train, training hard, heart pounding as I prepped for my turn, the thrill and excitement of actually competing, the christmas morning feeling waiting for my score... and then the unbridled joy or crushing disappointment. ALL were wrapped up in why I loved competing on top of loving whatever sport/activity I was competing in.

As an adult, I've learned 3 things:

1) Quit gets it's sentence finished
2) Quit now gets translated into 'bound and determined'
3) I could care less about other people (90% of my wanting to 'quit' was bound up in how I felt other people felt about me for losing)

As a parent of an adhd kiddo who will also "short stop" sentences... I've learned that AGREEING with him/ commiserating works a gajillion times faster.

"I hate this! I'm not doing it anymore!"
"Right? I mean, I totally hate it when I ________. Sometimes don't you just want to __________ " (fill in personal experience that parallels).

Then, once he's able to vent a bit, and we can talk about all the crappy things, then we can start talking about the funny things/ great things/ and the pure hatred of x turns into the 2% of what I dislike about this thing that I actually like 98% of the rest of it AND strategies for lessening the 2% (or learning to cope with it) AND he's slowly learning to use his words / learn how words shape perception and perception shapes action.

It's a long process, we're about halfway there, and it's been a couple years now. But I didn't learn it until I was an adult, so I figure he's got time.

I'd ignore those outbursts. She's looking for attention.
At another time - when she is calm, you might ask her why she says things like that. Discuss her feelings and maybe even role play. You need to teach her how to be a graceful loser. She can't win everything all the time.
I'd also get her some training in dance if she wants to compete in dance... She isn't going to win unless she is trained. The pointed toes, the extension of the legs, the gracefulness of the arms - that stuff doesn't come naturally. She may also be developing some bad habits.
LBC

I think you should call her bluff. "Okay, quit then." I have a feeling she won't.

Like the others said, it sounds like she's just being a bit dramatic when she loses. You're right, she'll get better with more experience at competitions. She could also be fishing for compliments. Do you reassure her that she's fabulous after she loses? She may feel a little down about herself when she's not the best, so she might be looking for reassurances that she's still a fantastic kid. I would (if this is the case) make sure she understands that being the best at dance/cheerleading/tumbling doesn't make her a good person, and it doesn't give her self-worth. It's the "intangibles" that do, like sportsmanship, effort, perseverance, kindness to others, etc. Good luck!

If she's going to compete, she's going to have to get used to losing as well as winning, and she's going to have to learn to be a good sport about it.
How old is she?
How do you react when she loses?
Do you tell her 'Good try!'?
She might grow out of it, but if she lingers in this phase, you are going to get tired of begging her to keep working at it.
Regular practice beats unapplied natural talent in the long run (or at least that's what the poster in the Middle School band room says).
If she hasn't got the drive to work at it, maybe she should give it up.

My first reaction is to help her change her perspective since it has an impact on her life in general. How would we all like to react when we fail or don't do as well as we want to do or think we did? I think ideally, we would want to think of it as an opportunity/challenge, right? How can you help her do this? Maybe have her brainstorm ways with you she can be more prepared for the next competition? Maybe record the competitions so she can critique herself? You both can help point out areas that she did well and improved from the last and maybe others where she could improve for the next. Maybe encourage her to ask others (teachers, peers) where she can improve? Maybe she can practice with friends? Research ways to stand above? Analyze the "winners" to see if you two can identify why (s)he won? We all need to improve and grow...we are not perfect. This is what life is all about. :) Reiterate that competitions are for people who want to keep challenging themselves to get better and to view the result as a challenge (failure) or a compliment (win) that she has succeeded in one arena but still has many more to challenge herself with....success at one competition opens doors to more challenging ones. Also..."winning" does not equate to "perfect"...like the Olympics. :) And either way, in my mind, she wins since she is doing something she loves. :) Good luck! :)

You didnt mention her age but I would imagine when she says she wants to quit it's just an expression, she's not sure what words to use for her real frustration such as "I'm mad at myself, I know now where I went wrong on that certain move, now I have to practice more to get it right, it's tough work, and I'm just mad!"
Maybe have her journal her thoughts. Does she get to watch vids of her performance afterwards? When my son wrestled he always watched the videos afterwards and studied what went on in the match.... it helped him a lot just to critique himself and "fix" things.

You don't let her quit and you encourage her to keep on competiting. Good job!

Ask her if she wants to try out for the next talent show. Perhaps instead of dance, you could encourage something she's better at. Don't make her try out though. Maybe team competitions are the way to go with her versus individual competitions perhaps she and a couple friends could try out for the talent show together.

At first I was going to say maybe you should let her quit if she's not enjoying herself. But it sounds like she really loves to dance, she's just not sure how to handle losing. In this case, I think you have the right attitude of encouraging her to stick with it and keep telling her it doesn't matter if she wins, she just needs to keep trying and do what she loves to do. I don't really have any hobbies and I never had anything that I really loved to do (except maybe for writing, but even that I've given up on), so teaching her that trying and losing is 100 times better than giving up is an important lesson for her to learn. Good luck!

Sounds like she doesn't really want to quit then. She could be just saying that in frustration, letting off steam. We all say things we don't mean when we get upset sometimes. So don't take it literally.

This is going to sound backwards- but tell her she CAN'T compete for a year. She is going to take classes and work on technique in one or two areas, but she isn't going to compete. Bring it back and make it about the process and not the result. She loves to dance, so push her to dance and take classes. Who cares about a competition, especially since you know she doesn't have the training yet? YOU are making it about winning, instead of doing something you love. The people who win at SYTYCD work at their craft out of pure love and that is what makes them great.