Too Much Competition Between Cousins?

How much do they see each other?
It seems to me that there should be some things they can do together that aren't competitions where they can still have some fun.
Really 5 is a tough age for this - I think every 5 yr old has some difficulty with being a sore loser sometimes - it takes some time to learn how to win/lose gracefully.
In the mean time, they can build things with Duplo, play with matchbox cars, etc and not do so many physical contests.

I was the child who always lost, and a lot of times it was to my younger, but physically stronger, sister. I can tell you that toning down the competition between them won't really help the situation. Kids are smart enough to realize that the only reason they won was because the other person didn't give 100%, and they know that the win didn't really 'count'. And if you get rid of the competitions all together, they'll understand the reason why and you'll end up with your son feeling even more self-conscious. This is a good time to help your son understand that he's not always going to be the best, but he can still be a good sport.

A few things that might help:

Look for opportunities for them to engage in activities that don't involve competition. Building a lego set together, science experiments, etc. What is your son really good at doing? Have them do that together, so he can experience the thrill that comes from being really good at something.

Are there any sports programs that you can put your son in that don't include his cousin? Right now his whole perspective is that his cousin is better than him. But on a team, he'll see that everyone has different ability levels, but that winning isn't possible if the team doesn't work together.

Consider putting him in a martial arts program. One of the great things about martial arts is that you don't have to be the best athlete to be successful. There's a large mental aspect involved-- moving to the next belt level requires persistence, discipline, and concentration.

For me, my 'success' came in the swimming pool. It was one of those things that I could practice on my own, with occasional help from coaches and swim teachers. By the time I was in high school, I was one of the last people chosen for teams when we played volleyball, softball, or any other ball game. But in the swimming pool-- I was way ahead of everyone else.

I think you need to get ahold of your anxiety over this.

This kind of thing will happen on the playground and all through the school years. You can't step in every time someone is better at something than your child. Much better to help him deal with it. It's pretty natural for a kid to feel like giving up if they lose at something. My youngest didn't want to play board games with us for a long time, because she used to lose. Instead of not allowing her to play Monopoly with us, I said I'd help her out a bit - which her older siblings were ok with. Just to make it more fair. But she still didn't typically win. That's ok.

I would not bring it up to your brother and wife.

If my child was feeling de-jected every time playing with a certain child, I'd say "Well, take a break then" or "Maybe don't play that for a while". It doesn't have to be a big deal. Two of my kids are very close in age, and compete constantly - always have, typical sibling behavior. One pouts and gets pissed off. The other one still wants to play, so he's learned to give and take a bit - they've sorted it out on their own.

I would tell your brother and SIL how you feel and that you are concerned it is too much competing with your son constantly losing. Say you are worried about how this affects him, and can they help you to redirect the boys to do things that are not competitive. There are tons of things the boys can do together that do not involve competition! Our kids have some board games that you have to work together to win. They could go out and explore together, catch bugs, ride bikes, jump on a trampoline. They could pretend together. They could be spies together and play with walkie talkies. They could jump rope, hula hoop, blow bubbles, do chalk art. Some little boys are extremely focused on sports and competition. You should have your son play with other friends that are not like this...friends that he clicks with better. BUT, your job is to help him be able to handle people like his cousin in life...bc there will always be other boys like that. Go over scenarios and teach him things he can say. Help him to think in a non-competitive way and to look at competitions as something "for fun" and not to be taken seriously. Teach him to be resilient. It is hard to lose at age 5. My son HATED losing at this age and had a hard time with it. He matured and handled it just fine as he got older. This is a long process. Good luck!

My son went through this at the same age with his peers at kindergarten. They were all into running races and who could do what better. Kiddo was bummed out. "I hate being last." he complained. "Well, if you want to be a fast runner, practice running."

In short, I didn't go too far down that road with him, just encouraged him that if he wanted to develop a skill, to work at it. At ten years old now, he doesn't care that he's a slower runner because he's got a lot of other things going on that he IS fantastic at. Our attitude is that if you want to be the best at something, you are going to have to work hard. No one is the best at *everything*, and not being first doesn't mean that you are a loser-- not trying is far worse than not succeeding. Consequently, our son loves independent sports like bouldering and biking-- team sports aren't his thing. He is proud when he can climb even higher in a tree than he used to, or is able to work past previous limitations.

You are noticing this, but please don't project your fears onto your son. There will always be kids bigger, faster and taller than he is. That's not going to go away. Instead, teach him how to choose reasonable goals and that if he wants to achieve any goal, practice is the way to go. You can let him run when it's just the two of you and time him for his personal best... let him see his progress in real numbers, not just as a comparison to other kids.

How often do you see them?
I my dd only sees cousins around holidays...do you live by them?
My dd was always smaller than everyone, relatives and friends. So, she couldn't always compete with them. If they are running....she just can't keep up.
But she became a very good gymnast and shocks everyone with her full twist (even does one off the high dive at the pool)
Anyway, find out what he's good at and that will help him with his self esteem.

I think it's important for kids to play with a variety of types of friends/relatives. Sometimes they're going to win, sometimes they're going to lose, sometimes they're going to learn that keeping score isn't required in every aspect of life. It's great that you don't want to be a helicopter parent because that really handicaps kids and makes their self-esteem even lower ("because I can't do it without Mom and Dad..."). So instead, work on giving him not only th coping skills but also the values to understand the downside to being competitive. Do you play family board games that rely on cooperation or team-building? When I was a kid, we played "Monopoly" (the world's most competitive, and interminable, game) cooperatively, with trades and ways of helping out (putting taxes and fines in the middle of the board, where they could be claimed by anyone landing on "Free Parking", or giving $500 for landing directly on "Go" and so on). We didn't want anyone to go bankrupt. If we traded properties, we gave the "poor" player a lot of chances to land on the resulting hotels for free. That sort of thing. Yes, it was fun to make money, but it was no fun to watch anyone suffer or have them drop out of the game and only be able to watch while the others kept playing for an hour. Or three.

I wouldn't speak to the aunt/uncle, because you admit that your child can be very competitive. Teach your child ways to say, "I don't like this, let's do X instead" or even "I used to like wrestling, but I'm not interested anymore." Find some games that involve fun for everyone, and ask your son why it's only fun when one person wins. Help him be more compassionate towards the child who isn't as fast as he is, even if the cousin is faster. Develop, and celebrate, other interests so that physical prowess isn't the only measure of a "champion." Yes, he might want to do it when he's older, but then again, he might not want to do it at all, you know? Your nephew is eventually going to find someone much larger, stronger and faster than he is, and then where will he be.

But, it's okay to lose sometimes and still be a good sport. He's going to participate in gym class and he's not going to be allowed to opt out. He may perhaps join a team outside of school, and he's not going to hit a home run every time. But defense is important, team attitude is important, etc. Sometimes kids learn those values in another type of structured program, like tae kwon do. But I say that as a parent of a child who was not on teams (other than town recreation soccer or basketball teams now and then) and who didn't take karate or tae kwon do. He was the kid in the neighborhood riding bikes and organizing frisbee games and collecting groups of strangers on the beach to build a sand castle with lots of decorations and a trench to the ocean. Those are skills too. He found his passion of distance running, but not until 9th grade.

I think, if you balance out the cousin's intensity with other types of kids, and if you focus on "that's what's important right now to your cousin, but it doesn't have to be what you value," you will do a lot to encourage a more confident and well-rounded child. It's okay to start asking him age-appropriate questions, like, "Why is it important to be the strongest and the one who wins at wrestling?" Then listen to his replies.

And I do think it's too soon to worry about what will "hinder him for life." I think your own anxiety over this issue will be a bigger factor, and I hope you do what you need to in order to control your stress and worry. If that means some short term counseling, do it! It's a great gift to yourself as well as your son if you can clarify what's really important as well as get some help finding the right words to express that.

They are 5, they are playing. Let them play. As long as your son wants to play along with what his cousin suggests, let them play. It's OK to encourage your son to choose or suggest what to play as well, they can take turns deciding. I would not talk to the other adults. Be careful keeping your own anxiety in check, because your son may ramp up his own anxiety if he starts to notice yours.

Your son is being "too nice" - he should try calling his cousin to the mat (no pun intended) in something he excels at. Spelling? Math? Reading? Etc etc.

Muscles fade, bodies slow, much earlier than most brain functioning usually does. That's why so many professional athletes can't keep doing what they do much beyond "middle age".

See what happens if your son and his cousin go head-to-head in more "intellectual" tests. Then congratulate your brother on his "brawny" son, and be happy with your brainy one!