How Can I Make My 5Yr Old Son Understand?

I would video tape him. And show him that no other kids are doing that. And if he's not old enough to take the losses with the wins then he will have to quit soccer. I bet he'll quit the tantrums.

Also Im wondering how dad reacts when his professional teams win or loose. If he watches pro sports what does he say when they loose? Maybe nothing - Just a thought.

Hi, S.. If he only gets upset with indoor soccer, than there may be something else triggering his emotions. Is there a person who is stressing him out or someone who he is anxious around? Look for other reasons, because it is odd he only gets upset inside. If you can not find other reasons, than maybe he needs to play only outside soccer until he has gotten a little older. Maybe the warning that he can't do both will encourage him to be less upset about losing. I do think some kids have a more difficult time losing than others, and it could be age related, but it is still best to deal with it now, so it doesn't continue. Good Luck!

This is a tough problem. But, I think you are right to try to correct his now. My daughter played soccer through college and played with a boy when they were young that was the same and is still pretty much the same now at age 23! He doesn't cry, but boy you can tell he is mad when the team loses or he feels he didn't play well. Thankfully, he does not get mad at his team mates for "errors". In the scheme of things, this is not a terrible problem, but this boy over does his training, comes back too early from injuries, etc. I don't want your son to have these issues as he gets older.

But, you do have to acknowledge that winning feels great and losing doesn't. Remind him that if the team loses, it doesn't mean he played badly - today, the other team PLAYED better, not were better. The good news is that the next game is another chance. I tell my swimmers that each time they get on the block they have a new chance. It doesn't matter what they did in their last meet or last heat, they have a new chance to be the first one to touch the wall each time they start.

I hope you get lots of good advice, my only suggestions are to maybe get him off the field as soon as possible. You may be able to distract him from the win/loss faster if he is off the field. Keep track of all the good things he did - that was a great pass to Joe! You were REALLY fast out there!

Remind him that soccer is a team game, when they win, it's because of everyone, and when they lose, it is because of everyone. As the mother of a goalkeeper, I know what's it like when everyone tries to blame the goalkeeper for letting a goal in. A good coach reminds them the the offense, mid and defense didn't do their job either or the ball wouldn't have gotten that far. Conversely, when someone scores, it is because the rest of the team got the ball the right person at the right time, it's everyone's goal. This is all pretty complicated for a 5 year old, but I do believe this is time to promote this philosophy.

Good luck!

Play some board games with him at home for the next weeks... when he loses and you win, explain about sore losers without bringing up the soccer games. Use these games as an opportunity to teach him about being honest too, no cheating... and that life throws curve balls at you, and whats important is not that you win, but that you do your best. Then next time he throws a fit at a losing soccer game, bring up what you taught him when playing board games. Tell him it's more important that he does his best than wins. Just an idea!

I would have to agree with the poster who said that it seems too stressful for him right now. You could tell him that if he continues to take it so seriously, you will have to remove him, that way he can have a choice. Now, this is to say that a 5yo probably will not be able to just "suck it up" in order to stay in the sport. Always be sure to follow through of course, if you use that tactic. If you don't think he could succeed in just having fun, then don't give him an ultimatum. Maybe you can find a sport that isn't so competitive, like karate or something. I guess that is too, but there has to be a sport that he can feel better about.

My son was 12, and his team ALWAYS won. However, they were so competitive, he never got to play, nor did anyone that didn't have superb skills, and this is how they kept their 0 loss record. I thought the good side of this, is that the team would get to go on to state. But, that wasn't true either. Only the best players got to go on that team. I could understand competitive school teams, but community teams? I think it is silly, but once they are 8yo, they are hugely competitive where we live.

Perhaps it is the team dynamic, the coach, or just your son's personality, but I would try to make this age more fun, as little kids can get ulcers, asthma, bedwetting, etc, from stress(although sometimes they have those things anyway). If he isn't having any recent physical symptoms, and he can choose to take it less seriously, he will learn a lot from sports.

I have never been a competitive person. I always hated the feeling of not measuring up. I think I understand how your son feels. I don't see how you can make him understand. He feels what he feels on the subject. But if he were my son I'd make him stop the sport altogether. It sounds really stressful for him and I fail to see what good can come out of it if he's that unhappy about it. Failure is a huge part of sports. He will figure that out eventually. But do you want to deal with it between now and then? He's so YOUNG!

Suzi

Hi S.,

Unfortunately our world is competitive with almost everything in life. Our children and Grandchildren learn to compete to be noticed and to be the best from a very young age.
How much emphasis does the soccer coach put on winning? Many times the adults around our children stress winning to the point of removing the fun for the children without even realizing they are doing it.
If you don't already, begin to play some board games with him at home - this will help him to understand that he can't always win, that sometimes it's someone else's turn.
Winning and loosing will be a lifelong ordeal - I wish you much luck with this, it is not an easy thing to help a child balance.

N.

I don't know where your son plays soccer but it may be that scoring is emphasized more indoor than outdoor?

The club my kids play for doesn't keep score for the younger teams. And in fact the coaches are actually supposed to adjust their team/play to keep the games even at this age.

With the younger kids it is supposed to be about learning the skills and developing a sense of teamwork.

I think I might talk to the coach about 'de-emphasizing'the score..If he asks the coach what the score is- maybe the coach could shift the discussion to how they have been playing.

My ds' coach does an excellent job with this - and encouraging on both teams.

I know that you are focusing on his feelings about winning and losing but is it really how he is stressing or the fact that he is crying on the field?

I guess what I am trying to say is that the message he may get isn't 'it's okay to not win'...but that he is 'wrong' to feel badly when he doesn't win/cries b/c they lose.

I think he probably is just pretty intense with soccer - I mean if you watched the Olympics, winners and losers alike were crying. And to him right now, every game might feel like the olympics.

I would likely just start to focus on the playing and see if with the coach you can de-emphasize the focus on the score.

I like the idea of having other goals for the game that he can look to in order to feel 'successful'.

well, it sounds like he's really fixating on this. does he have other things that he obsesses over? it can be a sign of giftedness or even adhd. (no offense.) just stress over and over it's for fun and if it isn't fun he can't play. it's hard but he'll eventually understand.

I have a 9 yr old daughter that does competitive gymnastics. She stresses over how well she does. We encourage her to do her best. If she makes mistakes, we discuss it with her and how she feels she can correct it. It makes her feel that her opinions help her to improve. Has the coach stressed the fact that they have to win every game to be the best? What ever happened to go have fun. Your son is only 5, so just encourage him to play, have fun, he's a winner no matter what the outcome is. I have a book that is called "It Could Have Been Worse" that might be helpful.

I totally understand your frustration, I have 3 boys 2 that are very much into sports.... when they are at your sons age it is hard to balance these very different emotions.. Now a day every sport is a competition, its all about winning. I sat my youngest down (who is now 13) and asked him why does he think winning is so great? then i asked why does losing make him mad/upset? does your son have friends on the other teams? if he does or doesnt, ask him how the other team must feel if they lose..that they may feel bad too ... another way is to play games with your son and alternate between losing and winning and show him that either way good sportsmanship is what its about and the fact you had fun!! If this doesnt work you can explain that the other team members dont want to play with a poor sportsmanship/attitude and maybe he should not play with them. after a few talks with my son and i pulled him from one game( we watched from the bleachers) and showed him how the teams reacted when they lost the game that they still had fun and it was ok to lose at least they played a good game... the change wasnt over night but after a few games he did just go to hang out with his friends and have a great time playing. Even now when my son plays baseball agaist one of his friends teams they talk at the bases or tell each other good game at the end..hope this helps

The Coach, for our Kid-pitch Baseball team for our 9½ yr old, doesn't let the kids ask the score, he doesn't even ask about the score himself. He doesn't want the kids to focus on the score because its all about "how you play the game". Whether you win or loose, if you did your best and you loose, it's great. If you didn't do your best and you still win - not so good. So maybe talk to the coach and your son and see if maybe the score shouldn't be mentioned or even talked about until after the game and the team is together getting their snacks/drinks. He can do his drama then and maybe it can be ignored. Or he can't have his snack until the drama is over.

Actually, our coach gets mad if he catches one of our ballplayers asking what the score is. He just says, "Don't ask about the score, it doesn't matter. Pay attention to the game." I think it's helped our ballplayers a lot. Just a thought.

But, I guess we also have to consider the age too. None of my children were good sports at the age of 5 either. :)
C. R.

Just keep doing what you're doing and appreciate that he cares about winning. Some kids don't care at all, and their parents are the ones going, "How can I instill the competitive spirit in my kid?" You can't, the kids have it or they don't. Don't try to change his nature, he cares about winning and doing well. The crying thing is a factor of his age. He'll outgrow that.

Of course no one can get inside your sons head and know exactly what he is feeling or why. All we can do is try to understand what is causing his distress and deal with it from that perspective.

Sports are great for kids, they help them develop a team mentality, grow physically strong, learn new skills and even learn to work within a structured rule system. What he is learning from playing is valuable. Helping him to understand and deal with his team losing a game is part of the over all experience. Some kids are more competitive than others and if used properly this will propel them through life. He has learned to equate winning the game with success, and losing the game with failure, at least that is what I would think he getting from it.

Before going to each game I would help him set personal goals. These goals should be soemthing that you know he can acheive in the beginning. By acheiving these goals on a personal level he can walk away from each and every game feeling as though he gave it his best and acheived something from it. On the days that his team wins, dont let him concentrate so much on the winning, help him to also see the faces of the children on the other team. Draw his attention to the fact that although there is always a team that wins there is also a team that loses. Help him to see it as part of the game and an acceptable outcome if he has done his personal best. By acheiving some of his personal goals he should be able to see that the game is made up of small things. Each goal should be based only on what he is able to do. This means he can not set a goal of scoring more goals than player X, he can set a goal of scoring X goals. Or maybe blocking X shots.

Eventually he will catch on. He is learning, and some children learn some things easier than others. One of the things that I would suggest is to help him see the disappointment that other players may feel. By teaching him to be more encouraging to the players that may need more help, he may feel less like focusing entirely on the end result of the game. More than anything he should not be allowed to see losing a game as failing. It is a team sport, and the team wins and loses together. He succeeds regardless when he knows he has done his personal best. I hope this helped.

I don't know where you live, but I'd check out Upward sports. They have a soccer program and they don't keep score. It is a learning league. They also have basketball and flagfootball. Go to Upward.org to see if there is a league near you and to learn more. And just keep telling him that it's not winning that is important, but having fun and that you will love him even if his team loses. Somewhere at some point he got in his head that winning was the only thing that was important to the game. So now it is your job to squelch that embed into his head that it's having fun playing the game not the score that matters. And you may have to take him out for a year and let him mature a little and then put him back in the game when he has. Good luck and God Bless.

I'm not sure that this translates directly to your situation, but it kind of does. When my daughter was about 6 or 7, she wanted to go into the pet store at the mall and hold a puppy. She knew we couldn't have one because her sister was allergic. So we went in one of those little rooms and she played with a puppy. And when we had to leave the puppy behind, she was so heartbroken she cried and cried. It was so awful. After that, when she wanted to go in the pet store I had to say no because it's too heartbreaking to leave the puppy behind. She promised she wouldn't get upset. I couldn't let her go through that trauma. Anyway, after a long time, I let her go in again, when she convinced me she would be ok. She went into the store and she came out ok. I think what she learned to do (because she really loves puppies) was to gear herself up emotionally for the known outcome (no puppy coming home) and was able to put her mind in a place of accepting that going in. I think that's what you need to do for your son. Don't let him play for a while and let him know it's because he gets overly upset when he loses. When he's ready to play, knowing he could loose, and ready to handle that sorrow, then he can play again. By taking him out of the game, he will have to work to deal with it mentally, because it's the only way he can get back into the game and experience winning.