How to Cope/comfort Family Member with Cancer

I was diagnosed with breast cancer in December just before my daughter's 4th birthday (I also have a son that was 19 months old at the time). Just a week after her birthday, I had a double mastectomy and was in the hospital for 3 days. When I got home, I was not able to lift my kids for 2 months. I also started chemotherapy in February, so I've been going through that for several months as well. As for what we told our daughter, we tried to be as honest as we thought she could handle. We told her that I was going to have surgery and that I would be at the hospital for a few days (my M. was here to help, so they had Daddy and Grandma alternating taking care of them and being with me at the hospital). The kids were not allowed to come visit me there and, quite honestly, I was not up for the company (that was really tough surgery!). When I got home, I spent a lot of time in bed the first week or two, so she would come and sit in bed with me and I would read to her or we would watch a show in TV together. That way she could still hang out with me.

When I started my chemo, we made sure we told her that I was getting some very special medicine that would help make me better, but that I wouldn't feel very well when I was taking it. We also prepared her for the fact that I would lose my hair. We tried to ensure that she understood that this was not medicine she would get and that none of the medicine she takes would make her hair fall out! She has adjusted surprisingly well...both of my kids have, actually. I think you need to try to be as honest as possible with your daughter, without revealing the true seriousness of his disease. We really try to keep things as normal as possible around here for them (sometimes easier said than done) so that they feel secure in that.

Your husband's coping is a whole different situation and I'm not sure how to help you there. Honestly, I was pretty immersed in my own recovery that I didn't have it in me to see or process much of what was happening with my family members (i.e. hubby and my M.). I'm sure my husband had his times when he lost it a bit, but he never did it around me.

I think the best way to help your MIL and FIL is to help with coordinating meals, house cleaning, rides to therapy (once he is out of the hospital), etc. There is a non profit organization called "Cleaning for a Reason" that will clean the house while the patient is going through chemo, but I was never able to register on the site. I think they are a bit overwhelmed and maybe demand for the service grew faster than their small non profit could handle. But, it's certainly worth a shot! The website is www.cleaningforareason.org. Another great site that you could help them setup is a CaringBridge site. This will allow them to post information about his condition and avoid having to explain things multiple times to tons of different people. Just send out the link to everyone you want to be informed and they can go there to get the information. That website is www.caringbridge.org. This is also a non profit, so the website is free to setup. There is one more website I found helpful to manage people bringing meals, carpooling my kids, rides to doctor appointments, etc. I did this through a Care Calendar. That website is www.carecalendar.org. This site recommends/requires a coordinator, so maybe you could do that for them. If you can think of any other questions you have, feel free to send me a PM. I hope this is helpful and I'm sorry that your family is going through this. You will all be in my prayers.

No personal experience with cancer/major illnesses & how to cope, but did want to say not to worry about SIL going to Disneyland. If it was a LAST MINUTE trip, that they decided to take BECAUSE of FIL's diagnosis, then well I can see being upset. But if they'd planned it, I would not worry because I have a kid and I would not yank a trip to Disney if we'd been planning to go.
It is a way of coping also. Just differently so, and you will see that everyone copes differently, people will want/need different help in dealing with this. Just be there, let them know you're there for them to lean on.
I hear that people tend to disappear because they dont know how to deal with it, but they need friends to disappear least of all that they need at this time. Some may want "normal" chatter as always, some may want someone with who they can cry, worry, analyze, whatever.

Remember too, you/SIL/and all caregivers) need to recharge and rejuvenate so you can give of yourself. Maybe SIL needs to deal with this internally and prepare so she can come back strong for the family. Or maybe not, maybe she's just a callous daughter/sister who doesnt care, but that's not something that's under your control. All you can do is do YOUR best, nevermind the others. Make sure you and your husband are taking care of each other. Being at the hospital all day all week, getting tired and worndown and frazzled is not going to do him any good. Maintaining contact at the level he wants is.

I've also heard humor works wonders. Laughter is the best medicine. (dont be afraid to cry too.) When my cousin's kid was undergoing chemo treatment, my aunt asked for all of us to send jokes and stuff their way, so I'd try to email them at least once a week with some random funnies and tidbits of what was going on. I think this was 2-fold - 1 for the laughter, and 2, so they knew they were remembered.

First of all i want to tell you that things are going to be okay. I'm not going to try blowing sunshine up your tush, by my husband was diagnosed w/bladder cancer almost 2 years ago and there is so much available as far as treatments. The first thing I learned w/my husband was that I needed to be there for him, but not ontop of him all of the time trying to get him to talk about things. This is a very hard thing to go through, but you will make it. The greatest thing I did was to try to keep him busy with certain things because he was diagnosed in Sept & laid off his job in April. I would just talk to him about things in general. If I needed to run to the store for something, I'd ask him to run out instead and take one of our daughters. Just little things to keep his mind off things. As far as your daughter, I wouldn't tell her anymore then she is asking but in a way try to put into the terms a 4 year old would understand. My husband didn't want to tell our girls (10 & 4 at the time) but our oldest heard us talking about it & he told her. From there I went thru steering clear of certain questions and answered the ones that weren't so difficult for any of us. Like the "what happens when he loses his hair" - my answer was that we'd all shave our heads, kidding around but not going into a full explanation of it. What broke my heart was this past year when we mentioned it to our youngest who is now 6 1/2 - she wanted to know if daddy was going to die and I told her that someday we will all die - so it didn't seem so horrible to her. Good luck w/this - it is a very difficult thing to go through, but if you ever need to vent, talk, anything - please don't hesitate. My email address is ____@____.com.

Unfortunately, I have a lot of experience with family having cancer -- some treatable, some not.

Be honest with your daughter about what's going on. I just had to explain to my four year old that a friend of mine died from a heart attack. I didn't want to be too vague, but also wanted her to understand that my friend was gone (she lived just two doors away). The key thing is to explain that he's sick with cancer (not just that he's sick or she'll be terrified if anyone gets a cold) and it's a really bad disease that makes him not feel good. Let her know everyone is giving him extra hugs right now. This gives her a to-do item that's easy for her to understand. You might also see if she wants to draw him a picture to make him feel better.

A nice thing you can do to help his family is to sign them up for free housecleaning services. I've seen this mentioned on TV. Do a Google search on this (free house cleaning cancer patients) or try the American Cancer Society's website. I know many of these services are focused on women cancer patients, but you might find some that serve all families dealing with the condition. I'm sure the last thing your MIL wants to do right now is clean house.

I'm so sorry about all you and your family are going through right now ...

As for your daughter, be honest but in terms she can understand. I have been dealing with this as well, how to explain to my 4 and 6 years old that their Daddy has a brain tumor. We told them that daddy is sick, and that he will have to spend some time in the hospital so the doctors and try to make him better. She will not understand what cancer is, so do not get to technical with her. For your husband, just hold him when he needs to cry. Do not try to tell him not too, just let him get it out, it works wonders. I am guessing sil went to Disneyland because she did not want to take that away from her children on top of having Grandpa sick, I could understand that reasoning. When we go to Seattle for my husbands tumor removal (it is in to his brain stem)he wants me to make it a vacation for our boys, taking them to see the sites, ect.... so they do not feel so scared and over whelmed by reality.

Blessed Be you and yours.

For your daughter -explain, very simply, that grandpa is sick,and sometimes people get really sick and have to be in the hospital. Let her know they're giving him special medicine that you all hope will make him better, but the medicine may also make him feel bad. Don't mention death or anything like that until you have to cross that bridge.

As far as your SILs trip to Disneyland -depending on their plans, they may have been in the position to lose a lot of money on a trip they've been planning forever. I'm sure they're upset, but if she has small kids and they've all been looking forward to this, she's probably looking at it from the standpoint that they've planned it and they might as well go now, because the next 6 months to a year may be highly unpleasant for the family.

I wish you all the best! It's very difficult to cope with-especially if it's not a highly treatable cancer. I hope he responds to chemo. I know of many with late stage (stage 4) Lymphoma who have come back and gone into remission even when they were at death's door and everyone was certain they would die. Hopefully that will be the case here.

There is no real way to help someone cope other then to just be there for them when they need it because everyone copes differently. As for your SIL with her still leaving was either her way of being in denial or it was just her way to try to deal with it herself.. Unfortunately I have had to deal with all types of cancer in my family with 6 different times with 2 passings & the rest pulling through...My sister lost her fight in 2007 & I still cry when I speak of her, see something that reminds me of her or even when I pass cemetery but my other sisters seem to be able to handle it better.. As for your four year old at that age they still don't understand alot but me personally I was very up front & honest with my children about what was going on. Specially when it's someone they seen everyday pratically & now had to watch what they were going through.. If you go to church then I would definately ask someone there to sit down with you from childrens ministryies that could help you relate it to your daughter.. My prayers go out to your family...

that sucks! My uncle (I was living with him at the time) was diagnosed with Leukemia in March, so I know how that is! The more information you can get from DOCTORS the better... looking up info on the internet is ok, but don't take it to heart too much... usually all you will find is the worst case and best case scenarios... rarely the "average" cases. Let him know you are all there if he needs a shoulder... also, talk about other things! don't be afraid to have fun~nobody wants to be treated like their are on their deathbed... plus it will make him feel guilty on top of his fear because he will feel like he is stopping everyone from having a good time. also~ BE PROACTIVE! When my uncle was diagnosed, everyone in the family registered to be a bone marrow donor. He and his wife also joined a cancer fund raiser called Team In Training... the activity gives him something to focus on, and he knows that he is also helping with research to help find a cure. As for your SIL, I agree that it was insensitive for her to leave at this time... but if she took her family with her I can understand why she would want to go... It wouldn't be fair to her kids (if that is the case) to miss out on a vacation that had probably been planned for a while... (plus they might resent that they had to stay home because grandpa was sick... a lot of children don't understand that cancer is worse than just being sick...) As for your daughter, I don't really have any advice.. there are no close children in my case...

A friend of mine was going through chemo. The ladies of the church got together and made her a love quilt. It helped keep her warm cause she was cold all the time. Plus she felt like it was a hug when ever she needed it.

Lots of visits helped when my husbands gma (Nanny) passed. Having family around talking about the good times. Pictures in the hospital room of all of you so he can look upon your faces. Cards and drawing from the kids.

I'm so sorry. Cancer is such an awful, evil disease. I think being there for you FIL, loving them, bringing food for the family, just being available, are all good things you can do. For your daughter, I would leave it at a minimum. They don't really understand, and you don't really have the answers yet. I would tell her that he is really sick, and that we need to pray for him (that's what we'd do) and love him. For the SIL, I think emotions are high, and it is a good diversion for the anger that everyone feels for the cancer. She probably knows that there is nothing she can do right now, the future is uncertain so now may be the best time to go, and perhaps she feels helpless also. Some fight, some flee. She fled. Have patience with her. Don't turn this to be about her. It's the easy thing to do though, to channel those feelings somewhere. But, she doesn't deserve the lashing out. She needs comfort, just like the rest of you. Bear with one another. You need each other. Again, I'm so sorry. I pray that his care is helpful.